Have you ever looked into the face of God?
Had your name drip off his lips like honey?

No shame in licking it off
Because in that moment,
I too was a Goddess
Righteous, Raving, Rioting

Begging to hear my name drip from his tongue again,
To know he was thinking of me.

That night
I was the one who could make God himself drop to his knees
And speak my name,
Until our bed was the land of milk and honey.

Baby, we created the Promised Land.

I kiss with my eyes open sometimes
I like to believe I can see into someone's soul

It makes me feel like I am a kid with her face pushed up against a window
Looking into a place of wonder.
I am the child
And you are the candy store.

I want to memorize
How your nose crinkles a little bit
How your eyebrows pull together in the center
How your cheeks flush.

When I kiss you,
The heavens open up.
How could I close my eyes
When the angel that I have always heard about in church
Was right here in front of me?

I kiss with my eyes open sometimes.

tonight
he is going to go drink himself to sleep
and I am going to lay here
with only my regret to keep me company.

Actually scratch that.

I miss the things we planned to do,
The drives
The lunch dates
The lazy mornings watching movies
And how our just woken up tongues would taste.

I miss the memories I hoped to have,
But I guess you didn't think the same

I'm not quite sure what I said,
Why it all turned out this way
Or what caused you to leave me sitting alone in that park.

Maybe it was the alcohol,
Or maybe you were afraid of what might happen.

Either way.
When I looked down at you
That one lazy morning,
Right before you gave up on me,
I wanted you
With all my heart

But in your eyes I saw how apprehensive you were.
I saw the barbed wire around your tongue
And the metal fences behind your eyes I'm not strong enough to climb.

It doesn't help you kept building it higher.

So to make it simple.
When people ask me what's wrong
Because they see the bags you left under my eyes
Or the flesh you took that used to pad my ribs.
I remember how I came home smelling like you
Because we hadn't stopped touching each other for hours.

And I'll tell them,
I had a few late nights
Waiting for a friend to get home
So I knew they were safe.

If we are being honest
I know you will come home,
But I am not your home.
I tried,
I would have done close to anything to be

But I was too weak to climb your fenses
And I cut myself too many times on your sharp edges

If you hadn't left I would have let myself be cut to ribbons.

My deepest fear
is that
I will never be able to love him,
Wholly,
Completely,
As he has loved me.

I have a tendency to want
What I don't have
It's a terrible habit.
One that I want to ditch
I want nothing more than
To love him as unconditionally as he has loved me.

But I cannot forget the only
Real Love
I've had.
You and I met working at a summer camp your parents managed
You loved me too,
I could tell.
But we were in an open relationship

Where you were seeing
Mary Jane
Molly
Lucy
Nikki
and needed more than a little Liquid Courage to help.

Day tripping was your side job.

Even though you never treated me badly
I knew you would never quit.
Not for me.
Not for anyone.
But God only knew how much I loved you.

We were afraid that if we said those words
We'd scare the other away

Or maybe you didn't know what
Love felt like.
You knew you were supposed to pay for lunch,
Kiss me,
Open the door on occasion
But maybe we were just kindred spirits.

It sure as hell felt like it the night we met.
We talked nonstop for hours
A jumble of words and half begun stories
Jumping over each other
because we couldn't wait to tell the other about something.

I don't remember the next day
But I remember sneaking into the kitchen that night
to find the most disgusting hot pocket I had ever eaten
And then deciding to make chocolate chip pancakes instead

We (I) burnt them,
but we ate them anyways

I remember
I spent the whole night
waiting for you to kiss me.
Hoping I'd have the chance to taste the burnt chocolate on your lips.

The next day,
after we finished our work
We snuck down to the river while my dad was gone
And the kids were off on some activity

I don't remember how
But before we kissed
I remember being wrapped around your waist

I don't remember if I kissed you
or if you kissed me
But I remember what you said afterwards.

You said it like you saw the world in a new light
You held me
I stared at you
I had never seen eyes catch the light like your's do

I remember how when you looked at me
as the sun filtered through the trees,
My breath caught in my throat
And I saw the world in a new light

I remember how I loved you
I remember how I miss you

you aren't him
no one will ever be.
if i'm being honest,
he isn't even him anymore.

because
the first boy I ever loved
I loved when we were 8
playing on the playground
the first heartbreak I had
I had when I was 10
two years went too fast

he grew into someone I no longer recognized
all harsh words
and scrutiny

I'm not me anymore
No longer can I look in the mirror
and say I see the 9 year old in love
with a boy who would still make
her hurt today.

you aren't him
which I am thankful for
I don't think my heart,
even 10 years later,
could handle another him

the way you make me feel
reminds of him
all sarcasm
and witt

but now the bite marks
that I'm trying to convince
myself are Love Bites
are still sore.

and yes,
I know I'm looking for validation
in the wrong places.
but so far it's all I can get

your hands  rough on my skin
your words rough on my ears

I'm beginning to think
the two of you

are more alike
thank I thought.

He was terrible at dancing
It was part of his lackluster charm
He tried so hard to do what he could
I can only hope and pray
That the day does not
Come where I begin to
Feel guilt.

We drank three bottles of champagne
He's a beautiful person
A terribly old soul.

But I cannot wait for him.
His mind is much older
Than mine
For I do not want to speed my own aging.
To grow old this young would be a tragedy
And soon many would write songs and plays and poems about us.
But maybe I would want that.