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I wish
There was no gravity
So people wouldn't get hurt
When there's no one there to catch them

When they fall

©IGMS
i would say i’m okay
but in all reality
it’s these nine pills i take a day
four for anxiety
three for a stable shiny mind
and two mg to keep me low

all of these downers
i’m still above
i’m still above that line
that line of feeling fine

all of these downers
that are supposed to keep me stable
and there are still moments
when i feel so unable
to take on the day

all of these downers
would have some on their ***
and i’m here still finding
that my *** is playing in grass
anger should be expressed
not held up in your body
that only creates a huge mess

but the only thing i think of
when i see those red words
is the time when the tv
had to be so loud
it would drown out the screams
of my parents voices,
yelling at each other

that was my safe place
a maxed out volume on a tv
on a paisley print couch
watching a 90s show

now the only safe place i seem to find
is the one where my headphones blare in my mind
or when i’m at a concert
second row, or barrier crowd
the bass so loud,
all those red words
they seem to disappear

there’s days i can’t have that
and those days i explode
those days are the days i’ve been coded
*disassociated
As I drove here today
I pondered the funny feeling
The one I felt when I first ran away
The one that crept
The one that made the abuse real
Those were the ones making me feel

Two hours later, I'm in my car
knowing I should go
I should run and take myself away
Once again
Its not as easy this time
Seeing him place his hands
And his words and his tone
On the little ones

The little ones that I grew
The ones I wish could have flew
With me to another place
Somehow achieving a sense of grace

The little ones I can't protect
Not anymore, I can't forget
Every time I'm here
all of these fears
They just come creeping back

I'll just sit in my car this time
I wish you would stop
These stupid petty games
The ones that I'm supposed to play
The ones where you don't let go
After I said that is it
For Sure
I'm not coming back
I don't want friendship
I don't want your apologies
I want nothing to do with you
Then
All of your angry words
Just make me out to be the worst
  May 2015 Colleen Harrington
Just Melz
we search for secrets
and lies because we
can't understand
the realities
in our
minds
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