Confession:
I wanted to fill your mouth with red roses
I wanted to string daisies and words through your golden hair
We were princesses growing up
Or at least, we pretended we were
The forest behind our house was the only palace we knew
It was the only place we could feel pretty.

Confession:
I never hated you like I said I did
When we got into our big fights
After you told everyone I drained my body of it's red wine
Into the bathtub by the means of a blade.
You may have been malicious in your intentions
Or you may have been a kid who had no idea what to do
I will always choose the latter.

Confession:
Overdose felt like that razor was dancing across my forearm
Once again.
They could have been the same
When the news cut through my eardrum
I didn't feel anything
I didn't cry at first
But I drove for hours
Occasionally screaming that this couldn't be real
A feeling only an experienced cutter would know
Like a familiar old friend.

Confession:
I peaked when
Mom told me not to look at you
As your body lie face up in that wooden bed
With ***** marks from the witch's needle
Covering your arm like black and blue paint.
She said you looked sick
She said you didn't look like yourself
Because you weren't.
But you were still the same kind of beautiful
You had always been
Even in your illness
Even in your addiction
Even in your silence.

Sometimes when people say things to me or text me I'll write down what I really want to say and then crumble it up and say something completely different because I know explaining how I truly feel opens a door of issues and that I no longer have the energy to deal with.

I know you,
You claim you want happiness,
You want romance and joy,
Not the broken people.
Then tell me why,
Tell me why all my
most popular writing
Is about pain and suffering?

Father mosquito
drank my blood
and promised me
that there was a lot
to live for:
***, money,
women, love,
food, water.

But *** is only worth
the ten seconds
after I ***:
the ten seconds
where my body breaks
but not my heart.

And money is an idea
that belongs to someone else.
So, the money I have
never really is mine.
The things I need,
I'll never have.
The things I have,
I'll never need.

I do love the softness of women,
Father Mosquito.
You have understood me
once.

It's just underneath
my skin.

But you say love
and no love
is as important
as self-love.
No lips stitched into mine
is worth the feeling
unless I understand my worth,
and you're currently
*******
it
dry.

What happens when food
loses its taste?
And water is no longer cold?
What happens when
my body fails me?
Drink my blood
since it is yours, too,
father.

It's just underneath
my skin.

Tick,
Tock,
Goes the clock
As it counts the moments we're apart.
Tick,
Tock,
Passing every second of our lives
And watching the changes.
Clocks see it all.
Tick,
I've got a chance.
Tock,
It'll never happen.
Tick,
It could be me.
Tock,
But it's not.
Tick,
I hug him.
Tock,
He lets go.
Tick,
He makes me smile.
Tock,
He makes me cry.
Tick,
Tock.
He's here,
He's gone.
Tick, tock,
I love him still.
Every beat of my heart
And every second of the clock.
Measuring time in love,
And the clock ticks on.

I look for you everywhere.
Hallways,
Classrooms,
Shops downtown,
Outside,
Anywhere you could be.
It's practically instinct now
When I'm at school,
To look around for you constantly.
Wondering if you'll be here,
Hoping you're there.
Then sometimes,
I find you.
Out of the corner of my eye I see
Blond hair,
Standing tall,
The proud stride
And the little smile that make up you.
When I see all of that,
My heart skips a beat.
I'm grinning and start to head for you,
Then I remember.
I can't spend every minute with you.
You're not my boyfriend.
You have a million friends,
And I'm just one of them.
They don't run up to you
Every time they see you,
So I shouldn't either.
I can't.
So instead of going up to you,
Even just to say "hey"
Because that would brighten my day,
Usually, I'll keep walking in my path.
Maybe I'll make eye contact with you,
And we'll smile.
Maybe you won't see me at all.
You don't look for me.
That's okay, though.
I don't expect you to.
I'll just keep looking for you,
No matter what.
And sometimes I'll go talk to you.
We'll laugh and joke,
We'll hug.
I'll see you smile,
Maybe even make you smile,
And it'll be one of the high points of my day.
That makes the times I pretend I don't see you
Worth it.
That's why I look for you.
To bring us both together,
And to check on you.
I want to make sure that you're safe,
And happy,
And okay.
So I look for you.

It's seeing your arm around them.
The caring,
The protection,
The comfort that surrounds the act.
It's watching you offer that to someone
Knowing it won't be me.
That's what kills me.

It's seeing your arms wrapped around them,
Giving your strength
And your warmth
To others.
I see you and them and it slams into me
And I have to look away,
Go away,
Before it hurts too much.

It's seeing you next to them,
Pulling them toward you
And praying that you don't try
To kiss them
In front of me.
That's what makes my eyes start to sting
And my breathing change
As I try not to cry.

It's watching you with them,
Seeing the smiles and laughter
Just looking and seeing how happy you are.
Seeing the comfort and warmth and security.
And I feel like I'm dying.

how can i feel so out of place
when i am inside my own skin

He's light.
He's what brightens my day,
My week,
My life.
He brings me warmth,
And comfort,
And security.
He's my light.
But he's also my darkness.
He gives me so much pain.
He can make things dim.
He can hide things from me,
Make me search for truth.
Bringing my mind down,
Till I'm enveloped in black
And I'm shaking
Sometimes with anger,
Sometimes with tears,
Alone in the night.
But then he'll bring me back.
"You have a nice smile."
"You're a great friend."
"Thank you."
And everything becomes so bright.
He can drive me into the dark corners of backstage,
And he brings me into the glow of a center stage spotlight.
He's my light
And he's my darkness.

I hate me, I hate me, I hate me
For being so jealous, possessive, angry
Why do I ruin everything
By claiming each as my own
Why can't I just let things go
I lead myself to further pain
I keep saying "my" and "mine"
And expecting a long time
I don't, don't want to share
I don't, don't want to care
Not even fair, when I act this way
I'm the one who'll never stay
I keep setting myself up to fail
Punishment in my own twisted jail


I make people my whole world
I orbit someone like they're my sun
But it's cold, being left in space
They never wanted me in the first place