I want you.
All for me.
Only me.
Only for my benefit.
Only for my enjoyment.
Only because I saw you,
And I liked you.
You were the chosen one,
To suffer by my hands.
Get used to it.

Remember,
This was never a love story.

Words come in,
Tears come out.
Can my silence be so painful?

My tears come out because my eyes can't contain the pain,
As my mouth do.

My silence, it's my suffering.
The suffering I can't let anyone see.
I can't be that weak,
To let them know.

Humans,
The most cruel beings existing on earth.
What it hurts the most,
Is that I'm one of them.

The same person who suffers,
Can provoke pain to other people.
What's humanity after all then?
We lost it?
Does it even has the right to be called like that?

I'm a pitiful being,
Yes, I'm.
Always complaining about my pain,
Like other people don't suffer too.
They do,
But I do too.

So let me be,
Even for an instant complain!
Because there's a lot of things about me that are wrong!

I want to complain about that.
I want to scream them all.
In a another world where I'm not human,
And I'm finally,
Alone.

"Are you drunk?"
"No."
I ask another glass of that thing I don't even remember the name now.
"You're drunk."
"No."
My head starts hurting,
But not more than my heart.
I couldn't stop the question.
"Why did you dump me?"
You glared at me,
Silent.
"I will take you home, c'mon."
"No."
You try to take my arm again.
"You're drunk, just admit it."
"No."
I couldn't even see you well now.
I couldn't see the eyes that made my heart beat so fast so many times before this.
"Okay then I quit."
And you did,
You walked away.
But you already had quit before this anyway.
That's why I'm here drinking alcohol,
To gather some courage to punch you while I can.
Well, maybe alcohol it's not enough.
Or I'm not drunk enough.
Yeah, maybe that's it.
*I was never drunk enough with you.

I want to.
I really want to.
But I can't,
I can't get you out of my head.
And that's frustrating,
That simply freaks me out.
Because my thoughts are all about you,
You,
You,
And you.
And that makes me sick.
I don't like it,
I don't like how you have so much power in me.
But I can't.
I tried.
But I can't.
I can't get you out of my head.
My brain can't forget something that still has a place in my heart.

My words,
Have a lot more to say than you think.
My poems,
Have hidden feelings in them.
My outside,
It's not all that I have.
I have a inside too.
And every word,
Every poem of mine,
Is the same as I.

Me,
You.
You,
Me.
**... never us...

My hands tremble,
As I see you.
Love?
Fear?
No.
I tremble* because I know you are the same as I.
A demon on earth.

Sara,
People keep calling my name.
Sara,
Silence it's all they get from me.
Why?
I don't talk with people who pretend to like me.
Sara*,
That's my name.

"You're loved."
Can I ask why?

Your lips,
Against mine.
Soft lips,
Wet tongue.
Eyes closed,
Synchronized movements.
How can a kiss feel so good,
When demons aren't supposed to kiss?

Maybe I was having a nightmare,
When I saw you.

Kaboom*,
My brain exploded.
I'm okay my heart it's still intact,
He's used to explosions.
Your explosions*.

My reason is yours,
My body is yours,
My life is yours,
My smiles are yours,
My hugs are yours,
My kisses are yours.
But my heart is not.

When love turns real*,
I wish you were an illusion.

I don't say this a lot so you can consider yourself lucky to hear me saying this,
I'm not going to repeat myself though,
Even if you ask me to.
So listen well,
Look to my lips moving,
See my mouth open slowly,
Hear my words.
"I'm staying".

I know what I want*.
And no, I don't want you.

Sometimes my words aren't enough,
To describe how much I want you out of my life.

"I love you."
But you're not the one I wanted to love me.

This is not one of those stories about a demon who loves an angel.
We are both demons,
Demons can't love.
So what do we do now?

I sat again in that lonely pavement.
You appeared.
"Hi, Julie."
I took another cigarette.
"Hi, Eugene."
You sat next to me.
And we smoked together.

Suffering,
I'm suffering.
A little too much,
A little because I don't know.
And if I do I don't want to tell you.
Tears,
I'm really crying over here.
A little too much,
A little because I can't do anything else.
And if I can I don't imagine myself doing it.
Created,
I was created like this.
A little too early,
A little because the pain chose me.
And if she didn't, I'm choosing her.
Loved,
I'm loved.
A little too much,
A little by you.
And I don't know why you love me to be honest.
Me,
You,
A little for me,
A little for you.
I'm yours as I want you to be mine.
**But can you really fight against my demons?

Doing that for 2 weeks made me curious,
And frustrated.
"What's your name?"
I couldn't stop my mouth,
That was one of my mistakes.
You laughed with a cigarette in your left hand.
"Eugene."
I inhaled, I exhaled.

"Want one?"
You offered me what I already was smoking.
"I already have one, ****."
I looked at the other way.
"But you still want another."
I was stupid,
I was stupid.
Because I took it.

"I smoke too you know."
That was the second time in just one week.
"*******."
It would have been better if I didn't say anything.

I didn't answer you,
I thought you were a ******* trying to win a bet or something by talking with me.
I was mostly right.

"Why do you smoke?"
You must remember that question,
Because I remember.
It was the first words you said to me.

"Stupid life,
Stupid life,
Stupid life.
Ugh I want to **** someone.
Oh **** it I'm going to smoke." - me, every single second I'm not smoking.

When I feel like crying,
I smoke.
When I feel frustrated,
I smoke.
When someone talks with me,
I ignore them and smoke.
When I realize my life it's useless,
I smoke.
I hate crying,
I hate feeling frustrated,
I hate when someone talks with me,
I hate my life,
But I love smoking.

3 a.m,
It's the hour when I usually get out of my bed,
And go smoke one more outside,
Two more,
Three more,
Basically until my need it's satisfied.
What it's never.

1,
2,
3,
10,
16,
Today I smoked 16 cigarettes*.
Hmmm tomorrow I need to smoke more.

I don't breath air.
And if I do,
My air it's a mortal one.

I don't miss you.

I don't want to see you ever again.

I don't want anything of you in my life.

I forgot your name.

But I still love you and have memories of you in my mind.

Why?

Why* is it so hard to delete everything?

Why?

Because it happened and it's there,

And there's nothing I can do to delete it.

And the fact that I know it makes me frustrated,

I feel like crying.

Because I don't know what went wrong,

I don't know why, the simple why I still love you.

But not how I did before,

Because now it seems that it grows everyday.

And I would like to know,

Know why.

But I already know that this is one of those questions that don't have an answer,

Neither for me, or for him.

Sometimes when you come to me crying and saying that you did it again,
I just want to say "*******".
Because nobody really deserves to be with you.
"*******", because I don't want to hear your excuses again.
"*******", because you think you're better than me.
"*******", because you really deserve to be ****** up by yourself.
"*******", for all the times you ****** me and I didn't enjoy it.
"*******", for not loving me.
"*******", for staying with me without reasons.
"*******", for knowing me.
But most important of all,"*******" because I don't say any of these words.

Do you know what to do when you're sad?
When you're mad?
I don't.
Everything I do when I'm sad or mad it's a ******* impulse.
A ******* impulse.
I would like to control it but sometimes I can't.
I can't!
It's like it's not even me that thinks in that moment,
Or maybe it's the me that thinks too much.
I don't even know.
Have you ever done something and then regretted it?
I did.
That *****.
I don't like to feel that way.
It's like you thought that you knew everything,
That you knew yourself.
But the reality it's that you don't.
I don't.
Not even someone who isn't born yet knows!
We don't know anything.
I don't know anything.
And then we just keep doing the same and the same mistakes,
And that makes me sick,
Sick of life.
Because I do that ******* same mistakes too.
Don't we know that that it's a ******* mistake?
Don't we know that's bad?
Don't I know it?
Yes, we do.
Yes, I do.
We still do it anyway.
I still do it anyway.
We are really selfish beings,
We all are.
I'm.
**And that ******* *****.

People think I'm just a stupid girl who writes more stupid things.
What they don't know it's that the stupid things I write about is in fact my life.
So basically my life it's stupid.

People think I don't care about what they say about me, because what it's not true it's not going to hurt me right?
Wrong, absolutely wrong.
I would like to feel that way every time they tell me something less positive about what I write.
But I don't.
So basically I can't lie about how I feel when I write.

People think love it's true, magnificent and perfect.
You exist to prove that they are wrong.
So basically love it's just a word with legends.

People think that I'm a suicidal girl who hates herself.
What they don't know it's the effort that it takes to pass by another day, breathing, knowing that your life is ****, but still writing.
So basically I don't care about my life, but I care about my poems.

People think they know why I write.
But they don't.
Because none of them would understand that I write to heal myself, I write because it's the only way I can feel alive, they don't understand that.
So basically nobody knows me.

People think they know everything that they need to.
But they don't.
You know why?
Because they don't know me.
They don't know you.
I'm glad they don't, some of them are just stupid people like me right?
So basically the world it's stupid,

And I'm in it.

Maybe we are all lost.
Maybe we lost to this game called life.
Maybe it was meant to be us doing the same mistakes.
Maybe it was my destiny to hurt you.
Maybe I'm not even a human being.
Maybe God didn't listen when I was crying.
Maybe my words were written to provoke something on you.
Maybe I was ordered to lie.
Maybe what's mine was never really mine.
Maybe your eyes were just a drug.
Maybe coffee was not meant for me to drink.
Maybe the alcohol existent in the world was not enough.
Maybe the smoke that I smoked was not that poisonous.
Maybe our meeting wasn't a coincidence.
Maybe I was created to love you.

I.
I,
I can't do anything to change myself.
I,
I have blood running in my veins.
I,
I have dreams.
I,
I have feelings.
I,
I have problems I can't solve.
I cry.
I laugh.
I write.
I'm real.
I'm just one of many.
Just something in the world.
But I'm me and that's what it really matters*.

Three words changed my life.
And no, they weren't "I love you".
Because my life it's not a fairytale not even a movie.
Is simply the reality.
And it's because of that that these words changed my life.
They made me cry,
They made me change.
Change to something better,
Something that doesn't have to be abandoned.
Something that is me now.
Just something.
The worst part of all this it's that it was you who said this words,
The same you that said "I love you" so many times.
The same you that promised things that couldn't do.
But I believed you anyways.
I believed in your words.
Until I forgot them all in that Saturday morning,
With just three words.
"I am going."

Idiot,

I was an idiot,

Idiot,

I'm still an idiot,

Each time more idiot,

Each day more idiot,

Inevitably idiot.

And all this because I love you,

Because even after the **** that you do, I love you.

Because even after you hurt me again and again, I love you.

Now you understand why I'm an idiot?

I don't know how to search for something that I don't know what it is.
I don't know how to pretend feelings that don't exist.
I don't know how to lie to you.
I don't know other way of loving you.
I don't know how to be another person.
I don't know how to stop being empty.
Is that wrong,
Not even knowing my reason to exist?

I'm scared.

I'm scared of you.

I'm scared of me.

I'm scared that you won't believe me.

I'm scared of not being here tomorrow.

I'm scared of what I feel.

I'm scared of what I may feel.

Don't cry,

Don't blame yourself,

Don't try to comfort me,

Because I know that you are scared too.

Don't try to put me the confidence you don't have.

Don't deceive yourself with fake hopes.

Don't try to fight against something that is with you and with me.

Don't pretend that you are not scared.

Because you are and me too.

Coward people,

It's said that they are coward people,

Weak people who can't control the situation.

I don't think the same way,

For me they aren't more than just people,

People who try to do a stupid thing,

But the most courageous thing too.

It's not like from a moment to the other you can do it,

You need courage,

And a lot of it,

More than I will ever have.

I want,
I want the hope of the dreamers.
I want,
I want the light at the end of the tunnel.
I want,
I want the darkness of the abyss.
I want,
I want the faith of the lost.
I want,
I want something that isn't mine.
I want everything,
Everything that isn't yours.
I want all,
Except you.

If I ever wanted to die,
Would you help me to die?