you might not remember me the way I would've wanted you to, but at least I'll find peace in knowing that I'll someday be forgotten completely.

day 1
as someone who forgot how to love and wanted nothing to do with commitment, you made me question my feelings constantly whenever i was around you.

unknowingly, i was bringing myself closer to you and you made it so hard for me to stay away.

what seemed to be a fling, became a thing.
a thing where i could actually see go far and that scared me.
i didn't want to break myself again but was i ready to risk it all for you?

i was and i did.

that night, i remember tears streaming down my face.
tears that clearly explained my love for you through the vulnerability displayed.
it was there and then, i saw you risking it all -

by loving me back.


day 765
as someone who is so comfortable with your love and used to having you here, you're making me question my feelings constantly whenever you are not around.

knowingly, we are slowly drifting apart and you are making it so hard for me to stay with you.

what seemed to be forever, is almost coming to an end.
an end where i never saw coming and it scared me.
i didn't want to break myself again so why did i risked it all for you?

because i love you.

tonight, with tears streaming down my face.
tears that clearly explained my love for you through the vulnerability displayed.
it was right now that i realized,

you don't feel the same anymore.

to me,
love was always a mystery to me. i never truly understood what it was.
though, i like to think that i did and sadly, i thought everyone else knew what it was too but just like me, it was a mystery.

as someone who grew up without knowing what it truly meant,
i always thought it was something you can look for again after it's gone, something that will make you feel better on your bad days, something that will complete you.

i have loved so many times, or so i think i have.

but honestly, aren't we just a bunch of people throwing around the word love thinking that we know what it means? unintentionally making someone else feel special, not knowing what the consequences of using the word love really are?

now that i am older,
i think i finally understand.

that love is something no one can ever talk about without mentioning how much it actually hurts. loving someone meant truly wanting them in every way possible. most of us cannot handle how imperfect a person may be, and we will try our best to change them because "we only want the best for them." love is not finding perfection in someone's imperfection, but instead it is accepting the imperfections in someone and learning to love it as well.

i know i still can't tell you what love really means but i have found someone who helped me understand what love might be.

i loved every bit and piece of him, i loved everything about him. all his flaws, his appearance, his heart, his personality, his tantrums, the way he talks over me when he gets excited, how he tries to see eye to eye with me even when we have completely different point of views, **** i loved everything. everything that i never thought i'd like, i did anyway. i didn't only want him, i needed him. he did not complete me, but we go so well together. i never wanted to change anything about him even though i wanted to see them do better. i was willing to go through it all with him, good or bad.

is this what love really is? the fact that you know someone's bad side and you still love them anyways?

you see, no matter who i meet in my life and maybe, just maybe i might love them but i will still be able to pinpoint their flaws and maybe those are the things i won't like about them or the things i wish to change about them no matter how much i love them because i am selfish.

but with him, it's different because i loved it all. i still do. i never wish to change anything about him because that wouldn't be the person i love anymore and that's just something i can never do with anyone else, i can't love someone else like this.

he taught me how to be patient, kind and accepting.
but most importantly, he taught me how to love.
sadly, this love is only meant for him and no one else because love is not meant to be thrown around like how we did to others before we have met each other.

i guess your last lesson was teaching me that love also means wanting to see someone obtain the bigger and better things even if it means doing so without you.

i can finally say this to someone and mean it,
i will always love you, no matter what you do, where you go and who you meet in life.

thank you, my love.

i think i have finally understood the concept of moving on for people like me, for people who have a heart like me and also for the ones who love the same way i do.

you see, when you end up loving someone the same way i love - you can never really get over them even when it's over.
when you've integrated someone into your life, making them a part of your life, it stays. they don't just leave your life like that, even when they're already gone.
when you've made someone one of your main sources of happiness and when they stop becoming so - sure, they're just one of your main sources of happiness but just like wifi, full signal is always better than half even though it still works, right?

moving on is never being able to completely look at someone and feel nothing even when you've shared a past together. it's about accepting the fact that you'll never ever have a chance with them ever again, no matter how much you want them. it's crying at night because you can't turn back time to fix things or to feel how much they once loved you. it's seeing them happy with someone new and softly whispering, "if you're happy, then i'm happy too." it's constantly torturing yourself with wishful thinking and hopelessly dreaming about another chance, for them to reconsider their choices of leaving you but feeling suffocated because you know, hope isn't even an option anymore - it's just pointless wishing. it's about understanding that you will never really understand why things didn't work out. it's about putting their well-being and happiness before yours because you know that if yours were prioritized, or even cared about, they wouldn't be as happy as they are today without you. it's about looking forward to go to bed because you can finally see them in your dreams but not being able to fall asleep because the thoughts of the past are flooding your mind like a tsunami.

i could go on for days, but i think you get it.
i think you understand that moving on does not mean you don't love them or care about them anymore, but it means you love and care about them enough to let them be because if leaving you is what makes them happy, so be it. even though it hurts.

so even if i have moved on from you,
(here i go again with the wishful thinking but)
if one day you decide to come back,
please know that i will always welcome you back with open arms and i will whisper, "i have been waiting for you."

i'll never forget the universe i saw in your eyes,
the look which sparked a flame inside of me,
a flame that no else could spark up,
not even with a million tries.

you will always mean the world to me,
my love for you,
will always be a secret held by the sea,
because i've stopped leaving clues.

even so;

don't you dare forget the nights we've spent,
i'm craving for your scent,
i'm still addicted to your smile,
but your number is something i've lost the courage to dial.

used to get drunk with you,
now i get drunk on you,
tried to escape you by getting intoxicated,
but missing you became ten times worse and i guess it's fated.

it's my fate; for everyone will eventually leave me,
for everyone will eventually get tired of me,
for i am not worthy enough and only loneliness will be there for me.


"you are my shooting star wish", he said.
was i really?
maybe we've completely misunderstood what shooting stars are.
maybe shooting stars are just the cigarettes angels throw away before god could catch them smoking.

i'm starting to think that's what i really was.
maybe i am your shooting star.
maybe i was just a cigarette that you were done smoking so you threw me away before you caught on fire.

there you were, lying right next to me. our bodies entangled with each other, fingers intertwined, legs wrapped around each other - it was almost as if our souls were about to become one. i lie awake, staring right next to me where you were - perfection, yes perfection, perfection is all i see right now. your tired eyes gently shut, eyelashes that looked like a butterfly's fragile wing, the bridge of your nose constructed so perfectly, your cheeks that were tinted pink, i wanted to run my fingers through all the edges of your faces, just to make sure that you were real and this is not another one of those daydreams i've been having for so long now, that this is really happening, that you, my dreams, yes, you are my dreams, that this is reality. "what did i do to get myself so lucky?" i wondered. there you were, such a divine creation of god, accompanied by a wonderful melody that consisted of the rise and sighs of your breath, a melody that made me feel blessed for you, my love, existed. before this, i was in love with the idea of you. the thought of you that kept running through my mind whether i was alone or not, i was so in love and infatuated by you, just by you existing in my mind. it was hard to believe that something as simple as your existence can make me so happy. i had no control over how you were multiplying the butterflies that were now flying viciously inside of me, how you make my veins pump with adrenaline, how you make my heart play a mean bass drum whenever you're around. home was now your arms, and my heart was now yours, but the best part was that you were mine, now and what feels like forever. there you were, lying right next to me, gently inhaling and exhaling. i can't help but plant a kiss on your pink tinted cheeks and bury my face in your chest, and under my breath i say, "oh god, i'm so in love with you."

a paradox. the perfect word to use to describe myself.

i am lazy, but i am ambitious. i wish to be happy in life, but my mind is always clouded with the saddest thoughts. i crave for attention but when attained, i tend to push away whoever who's giving it to me. i don't really like myself but i love what i've become. i will constantly tell you i don't give a **** about you but i honestly really do care about you. i want to love and at the same time i don't want to - it's my greatest fear, yet craving. i find it tiring to not be loved, but exhausting to love. i am tired but fused with energy. i don't even understand how any of this works. i am a conflicted contradiction.

like i said, you just have to understand that i am really hard to understand and -
if i can't figure myself out then,


nobody can.

you said "i love you"
next thing i know
i was drowning
so deep
in the ocean you've created
an ocean of lies

my words
do you hear them?
i'm calling out to you
saying i love you as well
but they're lost in the ocean
along with all your other lies
just like a sailor drowning at sea

no way to escape
i'm drowning in deeper
and deeper
sinking slowly
your words swallowing me whole
buried deep under your lies

maybe i'll like it better over here
compared to the reality where
you don't love me
and you're not mine

your eyes
just like crystals
they shone with such beauty
that little glimmer in your eyes
when you smile
is magic
i miss being the magician
who brought that glimmer

your lips
were a shade of red
just like wine
and i was ready to get drunk
on them
after being sober ever since
you left

your dimples
are so deep
it was almost as if they had
a treasure buried beneath them
a treasure which is only known
when you're smiling
i miss being that treasure


who knew how all your imperfections
joined together can create something so beautiful
you were almost like a constellation
a bunch of stars lined together
messy but magnificent

like a tsunami;
the thoughts of you,
the memories of us;
they flood my mind,
without a warning,

my love for you
were the tidal waves
and you were the shore
because no matter how much
you pushed me away
i'd come right back to you
just to be pushed away again

you came into my life
like a tsunami
you drowned me whole
i'm still sinking
deep into our memories,
the memories we made,
when you were still
in love with me
and i never wanted
to be rescued

you were the tsunami
of my life
a chaos caused by
the beautiful mother nature

when you left,
i finally understood
why were tsunamis natural disasters.

we've all waited for something
or even someone at one point of our lives
there are a few kinds of waiting
we've all gone through

the wait we go through
while waiting for a bus, a train,
or even for the cake in the oven
to be done ,
for your favourite tv series,
for your best friend's birthday,
or your anniversary with your loved one
this is the kind of wait where we know
what we're waiting for will come to us
pain won't exist in the process of this wait
because we are sure that the wait will be over
sooner or later
dates of the days we marked down
on the calendar or
times of the days we set a reminder for
in our phones
they are constant and there forever

there's another kind of waiting
that we all have gone through too
at some parts of our lives
the kind of wait we go through while
waiting for our lives to get better,
or waiting for our loved ones
while they are fighting for
their lives in the emergency room,
or for the one you love who
left you a long time ago
to come back,
or for a second chance
this is the kind of wait
where no one knows when
will the waiting ever end
the kind of wait where it
might not even have an end
going through this breaks your heart
day by day
you start to question and wonder
when will this end?
will this even end?
even though not knowing of how
things might come to an end
we still wait like this because of
the hope we are still hanging onto,
holding onto for our lives because
if we were to ever let go,
we'd fall down and usually
the fall hurts

but what if,
what if the first kind of wait
turned into the second one?
what if,
your best friend never
makes it to her birthday
because all this time she
stayed up late was to
fight away her demons that
won her in the end
what if,
your anniversary no longer exists
because you found that
all the texts that read
"not coming home for dinner,
pulling an all-nighter in
the office to finish the assignments"
actually meant
"not coming home for dinner,
staying over in her house to finish what
we didn't last night"
you realize that
all the "i love you's" you've
ever told them in the
form of messages
were being read by them
on someone else's bed
or being read by someone else
who eventually deleted the text
after reading it
what if,
what you've been waiting for
never comes even when you were
so sure that it would?

in the process of waiting
the minutes,
hours, days, years
we spent waiting for what
we thought we knew would come
can turn into
hours, days and years
of the longest wait
for what we thought
we would never lose
and the days we marked down
on our calendars,
the times we set a reminder for
on our phones,
will still be constant
because the earth will still spin
in the direction
it always had

everything may still look
the same as it always was but
little do we know,
everything is slowly changing
and when we look back
we will realize how different
things actually were

time is a disability,
that blinds us from reality
time is a thief,
that takes away what's precious to us
time is a murderer,
killing us with each second we've
spent on waiting.

-a.l.

let me fix you
he said
please don't
she said

she needed
no fixing
all she ever
wanted was for him
to love her
while she fixed herself

please
please let me fix you
he begged

and there goes
another one
pushed away
by her

why did she?
why do we
tend to
push away
those who
love us?

she only did it
to protect him
from her

she did not want
him to cut himself
on her broken pieces
while he fixed her

she loved him
and so she
chose to be
selfless instead
of selfish

she was
an artist
of her
own twisted
kind of art

she paints
with razors
instead of paintbrushes
and her skin
as the canvas

she cuts open
her wrists
hoping her sadness
will leave
her system tonight

she slowly drags
the blade
across her skin
freeing her
bottled up sadness

she found
a healing
in the process
of wounding herself

feelings in the
form of blood
leaving her soul
flowing out
of her

when i was little
my mom told me
monsters hid under my bed
little did i know
the real monsters
were us humans

when i was little
my teachers told me
i could be anything
i wanted to be
little did i know
that society would
judge me for doing so

when i was little
my friends told me
that we will always be
best friends forever
little did i know
that they'd betray me
and leave me alone

when i was little
i told myself
i am going to grow up
to be a princess
little did i know
that i'd grew up to be
a sad teenager
who wants to be dead

on lonely nights like these,

i stare at the moon
thinking of you
i wonder if
you miss me
the way i miss you

i count the stars
making wishes on them
hoping that you're
still in love
with me
because lately
i've been having doubts
about us

i take a walk
down memory lane
and remind myself
of how perfect
we once were
it was us
against the world
now it's you
versus me

we are supposed
to be in love
right?
is love supposed
to feel like
this?

i feel like
the nights are
getting longer
and the days
are never really bright
my heart aches
and longs for you
i feel like
a shipwreck
of feelings

i'm pacing
back and forth
plucking the
petals off flowers
wondering if
you love me not

please save me
from these lonely nights
if you love me

when we were
just little kids
our mothers told us
that monsters live
underneath our beds
and inside of
our closets

as we grow up
we realized that
there are no monsters
underneath our beds
or inside of
our closets

the real monsters
live among us
and they're often
disguised as
humans

after all this time
of being so afraid
we were actually
afraid of ourselves
because we are
the real monsters

to love you
was like stepping
into heaven
where the
angels were singing

to love you
was to realize
how beautiful
imperfections can be

but if loving you
felt like stepping
into heaven
then i must already
be dead

to love you
was to have
my heart broken
by you

to love you
was to feel
how it's like
being dead
while still breathing

to love you
was to feel
happiness and pain
all at once