In the law of thermodynamics, there is this thing called entropy.
The Merriam-Webster dictionary summed it up as utter chaos
which is to say not mild nor in the middle but the omega
and you are my beginning.

One thing I hate more than my involuntary capability to breathe
is uncertainty.
See, I get lost in my thoughts so much
that one mistake branches out
until the whole thing explodes into one big misplaced dilemma.

I'd spend nights awake despite my screaming eyes
breaking down everything I've said,
everything you've said.
And by god, am I tired.

You used to lull me to sleep.

my polestar,
you are every disorder these eyes could muster
but I am willing to remove myself from every brink of defeat.
I'll stay in this isolated system if you'll hear the subtle touch of my fingers saying,

I'll wait for you
come back for me.

Inaantay ko ang takipsilim
kung kailan nagtatagpo ang araw at ang karagatan
at unti-unting lumalabas ang buwan at mga bituin

inaantay ko ang dilim
kung kailan mararamdaman ko
ang marahang paghalik ng balat mo sa balat ko
kung kailan inuungkat ng mga daliri mo
ang lahat ng sikreto ng katawan ko

Dito
sa maliit na papag,
sa ilalim ng mga dahon,
at mga tagpi-tagping kahoy,
sa tabi ng dalampasigan
isinayaw mo ko
isinasayaw mo ako
at sana isayaw mo ako

Ituro mo muli sa akin
ang bawat hakbang dito sa indayog
na walang musika kundi
ang dwelo ng ating mga dila,
ang mabibilis na paghinga,
at mga impit na sigaw.

wag **** tapusin
dalhin mo ako sa isang paglalakbay
kung saan mas kailangan ko ang mga kamay at mga mata mo
kaysa sa aking mga paa

at pag narating na natin ang rurok ng kaligayahan
mahal,
halikan mo ang aking mga balikat
iparamdam mo sakin ang init na hindi naibibigay ng mga tela
ibulong mo sakin ang mga bituin at buwan
at ipikit natin ang ating mga mata sa muling pag-ahon ng araw.

Nung linggo, napadaan ako sa nbs nakita ko kasi sa facebook yung libro ni Juan Miguel
sabi ko, bukas bibilhin ko to.
para pag pumunta ulit ako sayo, may babasahin ako pag hinihintay kita
nung lunes, binili ko.
tanda ko pa kung gaano ko pinipigilan yung sarili ko na ilipat sa susunod na pahina nung sinimulan ko
isip-isip ko kasi, baka sa martes o sa miyerkules pa tayo magkita
baka maubusan ako ng tula
di naman kasi tayo yung klase na nag-uusap sa labas ng kwarto
mas mahaba pa nga ata ang tulang ito kaysa sa palitan natin ng mga salita pag hindi tayo nakahiga sa kama
dumaan ang martes,
miyerkules,
baka may ginagawa lang
huwebes kinausap kita ang sabi mo
“May tao dito, pagod na din ako. Sa susunod nalang”
mahal, tumango lang ako. Wala namang tayo. Ano bang karapatan ko sayo?
nung biyernes, sinubukan ko ulit
tinanong kita kung may ginagawa ka ba
sabi mo
“wala pero matutulog na ko”
sinagot mo ko habang nakatayo ka sa kabilang kalsada, di mo ko nakita pero nandun ako.

Nung isang linggo, mahal mo ako.
Alam ko na mahal mo na ko nun.
Tinanong mo ko kung mahal na kita, ngumiti nalang ako.
mahal.
mahal,
mahal na kita.

minahal kita nung unang pagsikat ng araw na nagising ako sa yakap mo
minahal kita sa unang paglapat ng labi.

mahal, sa tuwing natutulog ka ibinubulong ko sa labi mo na mahal na kita.

mahal, dati nung ako pa ang kasama mo matulog binubulong ko sa labi mo na mahal kita.

I've gotten so used to isolation
that a deserted island is home

the sea of despair is a continuous whirlpool of void
emptiness is the sun
and the sky is crying for me

eyes tired
then eyes closed
and the mind took over

for one who exists behind the shadows,
how mundane it is to dream, to wish,
that someday
someone will get lost
in my forgotten shore

like a siren without a voice
her life is a soft hum
a melancholic peace
she's not out to lure but to give rest

thousands of fishermen have kissed her lips and fleeted

and every time
before they go, she hums a lullaby of happiness
that it's okay and you could leave her
but when the ship is a tiny blip in the ocean
she opens her mouth

and sings.

every night I try to imagine how the moon dances.
I wonder,
does she know that the sky needs the dusk's embrace for her to appear?

I want to ask her,
“Does it get lonely up there?”
because sometimes the sand-like stars aren't enough

just like how certain things in this world could not keep the sadness at bay
where these things, like the tide,
change
and you don't know if you should get used to smiling everyday.

you want to.
you do.

but you're fearful of the waves suddenly stopping,
when peace becomes an equinox until the day disappears in full
and you can't tell your eyes anymore to stop screaming.

See, this is how the moon sometimes amazes me;
the way she can disappear ad interim
and come back when she's whole again.

I wish I could be like that.
disappear.
be whole again.

Kung binigyan mo lang ako ng isa pang sandali
maaring ngayon ay may bukas na
ngunit tila ang araw ay naging gabi
at ang gabi ay ikaw

ang nota ay ang paulit-ulit **** paglisan
sa gitna ng tahimik na alingawngaw ng dilim
nang malapit na ang araw sa madali
at nang ang tiwala ay natutulog pa sa kuna

umalis ka.

pagkatapos ng iyong mga nagsusumamong halinghing
ng mga umiiyak na “mahal kita”
at ng mga bulong ng pangangailangan

umalis ka.

kasabay ng aking pagsuko sa iyong mga iyak
at kung kailan ang pagtangis ng puso ko ay mahal na din kita

umalis ka.

Sa gitna ng gabi
kung kailan paparating pa lang ang araw

umalis ka.

kung binigyan mo lang ako ng isa pang sandali
at inantay mo ang umaga,
sana ngayon
sa akin ay may bukas na.

Hindi ako ang babae na hinahanap mo
abang-abang ko ang mga mata sa paligid
nag-aantay, nanghuhuli,
nagsusumamo
ako na ba?
ako na ba ang tinitignan nila?
pansin na ba nila ang buhok kong umiindayog kasama ng hangin
pansin ba nila ang marahang paghihiwalay ng aking mga labi?

hanggang sa mahuli ko ang iyong mga mata
nakikita ko na
nakikita ko na kung paano kita mamahalin
kung paano ko kakalimutan at ibibigay ang sarili ko sayo
tahimik na nagmamakaawa ang puso ko
lumapit ka
bigyan mo ko ng pagasa
hindi man ako kaanya-anyaya sa iyong mata
pero pupunan ko ng pagmamahal at ng pagaaruga ang lahat ng hindi mo nakikita
hindi man ako kasing tingkad ng mga bulaklak
at hindi man ako kasing taas ng mga puno  na nasa paligid mo
pero nagmamakaawa ako
bigyan mo ng pag-asa ang puso ko
kahit hindi na pagmamahal ang ibigay mo
kahit hindi mo na sabihin na pwede kang mawala sa mga mata ko
iparamdam mo lang na karapat-dapat ako
para sa gayon matutunan ko naman
na mahalin ang sarili ko.

In the genesis of the last breath’s eulogy, the first word was sorrow.
Pain was a cry of an infant;
a cry that you cannot reason with,
a cry that will not stop until the hungry little mouth is fed.
the only difference was that the grief was unbearable because it was full.
It’s been fed with words as warm as a fresh bottle of milk
and with touches as comforting as a mother’s lullaby.

it was like a tired child, lulled by the softness of his blanket
only to have it taken away from him a few peaceful sighs after the lashes finally touched the flushed cheeks
how cruel it is to deprive a child
of solitude
when the beats of his pulse are not enough to understand why this world is red in tooth and claw.
and when he is oblivious to the fact that his trust is earned, not demanded.

but after a millennium's worth of tears
and what seemed to be a continuous cycle of rumpled sheets and sleepless nights,
the eulogy became an ode
the ache was a coated hunger
and the child learned to sleep alone.

turns out that my body doesn't need another to rest,
my bed is an ocean of peace, I just need to remove the clutters of you from it.

Pathetic.
the bags under my eyes screamed
I couldn’t remember the last time I actually slept without seeing the imminent sun
maybe I should call night the river of tears
and day the blazing inferno that burns my whole ******* body but never seems enough to actually **** me

when I was 9 my father asked me what I wanted for my birthday
I grinned and shrugged, I was young and being older just seemed to be the best ******* thing ever
If he had asked 10 years later, I would have cried
and probably begged him to take this ******* thing back
I don't want this life anymore
but being older still seems to be the best ******* thing, a year closer to my death.

when I reached 19,
my friends stopped playing with me and started acting like my ******* parents
they didn't know that their constant hovering slowly pushes me on the edge of  want
want to **** myself
want to die
want to not ******* exist anymore

20 minutes ago I started writing a love poem
I love romantic poems because I could write a whole ******* book about it without actually feeling it

20 minutes later it turned into a suicide note.

Someday when you see him
and your eyes meet
don't look down
hold his gaze
pretend it doesn't hurt anymore
and when he greets you
smile like you do it for a living
pretend that your world
doesn't revolve around him
and when he asks about your life
tell him how great you've been doing
pretend that you're not falling apart inside
and when he says goodbye
and turns his back to you
stop
and do what you always do.

Let's be honest here,
you might be hurt now or your feelings might borderline on hate
but when he texts you next monday, when people are starting to get ready for bed
you will answer his 'wanna come over?'
with 'sure' and 'im on my way'
and it would be okay, because baby girl you need this
you need something to look forward to,
so that tomorrow wouldn't seem like a bad idea and to make light a little more bearable.

But after please,
do not long to stay,
do not long to sleep on his bed or to have his arms wrapped around you,
and do not steal kisses from him after *******
because it would make you hope for something definite.
For him you will always just be a bed warmer
your number on his phone would never have a name
he might burn you with his kisses
but behind those lips is lust and nothing more

if you hope sweet girl your heart will be vulnerable to his charming smiles and his comforting scent
you will fall over the same dark cliff
with the same cold ground catching you

love, your wounds are still fresh
your bones are yet to heal
he is not a replacement
he's just something you need
to remove the remaining traces of the past from your skin

please do not give another man power over you

instead gather your abandoned clothes on his floor and walk straight to his door and thank him, you might not be coming back next time.

Nung isang gabi tinanong mo ko
“Bakit mo ko mahal?”
sa totoo lang hindi ko din alam.
puno ako ng damdamin pero ayoko sa emosyon
ayoko sa sakit
ayoko sa mahal.

ayoko na mahal kita.
ayoko din na hinahanap-hanap ko ang mga bisig mo.
sana’y akong mag-isa, akin lang ang sarili ko.

Itong kakapiranggot na pagpapahalaga sa puso ko ay para sakin lang.
bakit ko ibibigay sayo na mapagdamot sa pagmamahal?
isa ka ding takot sa pag-ibig,
takot magpapasok,
takot magbigay dahil walang kasiguraduhan kung maibabalik.
nalalasahan ko sa aking dila ang lungkot tuwing tumitingin ako sa iyong mga mata.

Tuwing nasisilayan ko ang iyong anyo, pakiramdam ko ay kilala kita.
hindi ko alam ang pangalan ng mga mahal mo
at hindi ko alam ang mga bagay na mahalaga sayo,
pero kilala ko ang pagpanglaw ng ilaw sa bawat kurap ng iyong mga mata,
kilala ko ang unti-unti **** pagkaubos.
Isa kang imahe na pinta ng sakit at lungkot at pangungulila
napakadilim ngunit napakaganda.


Kilala kita.
Nakikita kita sa salamin kapag nakakalimutan ko kung ano na ako sa aking paningin.

Siguro alam ko na pala kung bakit kita mahal.
Kung bakit kita gusto mahalin.

Ang yumi mo ay hindi bagay sa dilim.
Kailangan mo ng saya,
ng halaga.

Madilim din ang mga ulap sa aking mga mata
sinta,
pero malinaw pa ang aking paningin
at alam ko kung anong kintad ng kulay ang bagay sayo.

Pagpasensyahan mo na ko,
hindi ako sanay sa mga yakap at lambing
bago kita makilala, nakakahiya mang aminin
ang pagdampi ng mga labi at ang init ng mga yapos
ay alam ko lamang sa salita, sa bawat paglipat ko sa panibagong pahina ng mga aklat kong minamahal.

Mas masarap pala sa totoong buhay.
Dahil konkreto ka,
ang iyong mga mata ay hindi lamang habi ng aking kaisipan
at ang iyong mga salita ay hindi akin.

Totoo ka.
Masarap pala sa pakiramdam ang paglapat ng dalawang katawan,
dahil kahit kailan hindi ako naging komportable sa paglubog ng kama sa aking likudan
alam ko din na ayoko ng bigat ng ibang braso sa aking baywang
pero noong unang gabi na nakapatong ang ating mga ulo sa iisang unan
at ako’y tila bihag sa braso **** kulungan
Napatanong ako sa aking sarili “Ganito ba ang tahanan?”

Pero mahirap din kapag nakatikim ka ng ginhawa,
nakalimutan ko na tayo nga pala’y dalawa
at ito ay hindi lamang para sa akin.
Ang kalayaang kong pumili ay taglay mo din
Hindi mo nga pala utang ang mga sagot sa mga tanong na bumabagabag sa akin
at malaya ka.
Malaya kang tanggalin ang pagkabuhol ng ating mga daliri
Dahil hindi iisa ang ating mga kamay
at hindi din tayo iisa ng kaisipan.

Posible nga pala na magkaiba ang bilis ng daloy ng dugo at ritimo ng bawat tibok

Kaya naiintindihan ko at pagpasensyahan mo ako.
Masyado lang akong uhaw sa pagmamahal.
Sa tagal na panahon na pinagkait ko sa sarili ko,
sa pamamagitan mo, kaya ko nang tumingin sa salamin
at hindi makaramdam ng galit na sa tuwing umaga
meron pa ding hininga,
meron pa ding pagtaas at pagbaba ng dibdib.

Masarap palang huminga at ayoko lang ng tikim.

It's been 288 hours since you last fixed your curtains
I know since the moonlight covers the very same spot on my bare skin
like it did 12 days ago
I let my eyes feast around your darkened room
by now I've already memorized
every crack and fold of your ceiling
I know the names of the ghosts
that used to spend their nights on your bed
the very same spot I would like to think is mine
mine, in the sense of give and take
where I barter my body when you feel cold and in need of a filler
and in exchange, you give me space
inside that room you call your safe haven
where I give you my breathless moans
for your sweet whispers
and where I give you my mouth
so you could love something about me

but as I find comfort in your arms
your deep kisses stroke my fear
this kind of solace never lasts
and soon
I'd be homeless again.

taksil ang mga labing naghahangad ng higit sa dampi
katulad ng buwan sa duyog,
na kung sa madalas
ay hinahayaan ang pagsisiping ng araw at mga bundok sa umaga
may mga minsang hindi mapigilan ang alibuyboy
at pilit isisingit ang sarili sa pagitan ng dapat at hindi,
kapalit ng panandaliang saya; balutin man ng dilim.

ngunit isa pa nga bang kataksilan ang humiling,
kahit na pakiwari ko’y isa kang hiningang hindi mauulit,
na sana kinabukasang paggising ay hindi ka na umalis,
na hayaan mo namang masilayan ko kung paano ka ipipinta ng araw
para naman din makita mo sa liwanag kung paano ka aaralin.

bigyan mo lang ako ng isang sandali
dahil katulad ng buwan, miminsan ding makasarili
baka sa susunod na kinabukasan
kahit ikaw ang tinatangi, sa iba na maghahain.

you don't have to tell me your name
and we don't have to open the lights
I won't ask you about the ghosts that have been haunting you
and I won't tell you mine

trust me when I say that this is purely physical
one scar inside my wrist
tells the story of how I tried to swim farther than the clashing of the bodies
only to find myself inside a singularity,
my demise waiting for me.

I've fought my way out till my chest's been enveloped with eternal numbness

I haven't felt anything other than that ever since
waking up and wanting to live are two different things

so I don't need you to tell me that you love me

it's just that maybe
maybe
another body will make me remember that I'm alive
and I need to be

I've always known that I can't write happy poems
happy poems are inspiring.
happy.
unsure.
a fantasy.
and there's something about insincerity that disrupts the beauty of poetry

so I write about pain, and wounds, and melancholy
I write about it so often that I have become fluent in the language of depression
I can tell you the whole history of every scar
and I can show how crippled my heart has become

but I can't tell you the last time I was happy
or if I was ever happy.
happiness feels so foreign in my mouth
but the thorns in my throat feel like home.
a broken and dysfunctional home,
but home nonetheless.

so keep this in mind, beloved one,
I would love you with my broken heart
but it would never change the number of poems I would want to write when I look at you.

Iilan nang estrangherong labi
ang dumampi
at alam na din kung paano humaplos ang iba't ibang tela
marahil
kabisado na din ang bawat indayog na walang musika

ngunit bakit

na sa tuwing pipikit
at sinusubukang sabayan ang korong hindi kilala
sumasagi pa din sa isip
na nakakulong ma'y sa hindi mo bisig
at hindi sa iyong unan namamahinga.

simula noong pagtalikod mo'y
pakiwari kong milyong beses nang umikot ang oras
ang sabi ko pa noo'y
nakalimot at malaya na
sa mga panahong inaantay ang paghimlay ng araw
dahil sa pagsilang ng gabi ka lang din naman masisilayan.

mahina pa din bang aamining
na pagkatapos ng linggong itong sinasakdal ang sarili
napagtantong baka siguro
hindi pa pala lumalagpas sa hatinggabi ang awit.

mahal,
baka siguro
sa susunod na gabi, nais pa ding sa iyo umuwi.

tangina im so sad ayoko na

sobrang lungkot ko na it's unbearable

beware of me
If you're looking for someone to fix
turn around
I love my wounds
and my pain
I love how scars look on my skin
and I treasure the hidden ones
I love the thought of death
it's more than survival
it's relief
it's a beauty I can't explain
like melancholy
the bittersweet feeling it delivers
I love losing control as much as I crave it,
I'm a wildfire
I won't stop until I burn everything around me

so beware of me
beware of me honey
because when you love me
I will destroy you the way I destroyed myself
and I won't be able to stop
even if it's you.