every night I try to imagine how the moon dances.
I wonder,
does she know that the sky needs the dusk's embrace for her to appear?

I want to ask her,
“Does it get lonely up there?”
because sometimes the sand-like stars aren't enough

just like how certain things in this world could not keep the sadness at bay
where these things, like the tide,
change
and you don't know if you should get used to smiling everyday.

you want to.
you do.

but you're fearful of the waves suddenly stopping,
when peace becomes an equinox until the day disappears in full
and you can't tell your eyes anymore to stop screaming.

See, this is how the moon sometimes amazes me;
the way she can disappear ad interim
and come back when she's whole again.

I wish I could be like that.
disappear.
be whole again.

Iilan nang estrangherong labi
ang dumampi
at alam na din kung paano humaplos ang iba't ibang tela
marahil
kabisado na din ang bawat indayog na walang musika

ngunit bakit

na sa tuwing pipikit
at sinusubukang sabayan ang korong hindi kilala
sumasagi pa din sa isip
na nakakulong ma'y sa hindi mo bisig
at hindi sa iyong unan namamahinga.

simula noong pagtalikod mo'y
pakiwari kong milyong beses nang umikot ang oras
ang sabi ko pa noo'y
nakalimot at malaya na
sa mga panahong inaantay ang paghimlay ng araw
dahil sa pagsilang ng gabi ka lang din naman masisilayan.

mahina pa din bang aamining
na pagkatapos ng linggong itong sinasakdal ang sarili
napagtantong baka siguro
hindi pa pala lumalagpas sa hatinggabi ang awit.

mahal,
baka siguro
sa susunod na gabi, nais pa ding sa iyo umuwi.

In the law of thermodynamics, there is this thing called entropy.
The Merriam-Webster dictionary summed it up as utter chaos
which is to say not mild nor in the middle but the omega
and you are my beginning.

One thing I hate more than my involuntary capability to breathe
is uncertainty.
See, I get lost in my thoughts so much
that one mistake branches out
until the whole thing explodes into one big misplaced dilemma.

I'd spend nights awake despite my screaming eyes
breaking down everything I've said,
everything you've said.
And by god, am I tired.

You used to lull me to sleep.

my polestar,
you are every disorder these eyes could muster
but I am willing to remove myself from every brink of defeat.
I'll stay in this isolated system if you'll hear the subtle touch of my fingers saying,

I'll wait for you
come back for me.

you don't have to tell me your name
and we don't have to open the lights
I won't ask you about the ghosts that have been haunting you
and I won't tell you mine

trust me when I say that this is purely physical
one scar inside my wrist
tells the story of how I tried to swim farther than the clashing of the bodies
only to find myself inside a singularity,
my demise waiting for me.

I've fought my way out till my chest's been enveloped with eternal numbness

I haven't felt anything other than that ever since
waking up and wanting to live are two different things

so I don't need you to tell me that you love me

it's just that maybe
maybe
another body will make me remember that I'm alive
and I need to be

taksil ang mga labing naghahangad ng higit sa dampi
katulad ng buwan sa duyog,
na kung sa madalas
ay hinahayaan ang pagsisiping ng araw at mga bundok sa umaga
may mga minsang hindi mapigilan ang alibuyboy
at pilit isisingit ang sarili sa pagitan ng dapat at hindi,
kapalit ng panandaliang saya; balutin man ng dilim.

ngunit isa pa nga bang kataksilan ang humiling,
kahit na pakiwari ko’y isa kang hiningang hindi mauulit,
na sana kinabukasang paggising ay hindi ka na umalis,
na hayaan mo namang masilayan ko kung paano ka ipipinta ng araw
para naman din makita mo sa liwanag kung paano ka aaralin.

bigyan mo lang ako ng isang sandali
dahil katulad ng buwan, miminsan ding makasarili
baka sa susunod na kinabukasan
kahit ikaw ang tinatangi, sa iba na maghahain.

In every battle, it is impossible to never have a speech. I have noticed that in watching movies. Like in Independence day, the President delivered a speech to the U.S Fighter Pilots before the battle. “ Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world.”, yeah that’s how it goes. Or like King Aragorn’s battle speech at the black gate in The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, “Hold your ground! Hold your ground! Sons of Gondor, of Rohan, my brothers”, he said. And it can even be a simple “May the force be with us” before battling with the galactic empire. And you cannot only see that in movies, there are speeches in real life which also inspired people to fight, like Patrick Henry’s Give me Liberty or Give me death, Winston Churchill’s We Shall Never Surrender, and our battles in our lives. Everyone will always encounter battles in their lives, and maybe we also had speeches for ourselves, created by us, for us, to continue fighting. And they say having a mental illness also means undergoing a battle. Many battles, and one of them, is a battle against the stigma. A battle to end the stigma of mental health. And now I will deliver my speech, to everyone of you, this is my battle speech, telling you to stop romanticizing them.


Poems **** once said that depression is a strange, yet comforting feeling. Comforting feeling, when you feel absolutely terrible, that even eating ice cream and watching your favourite movie can’t do anything to make you feel better. And when they ask you what’s wrong, the worse part is you don’t know. When you’re all alone, and no one is there for you, so you just feel like your inner demons are hugging you and telling you to just end everything. It’s when people tell you that happiness is a choice, it’s like a multiple choice exam, in which you just choose the best answer, but why does it seem to me that the choices I got were nothing compared to the best, and where is happiness? It’s none of the above. There is nothing comforting, nothing artistic, nothing beautiful about depression. It is not an artsy tumblr poem, it’s not an aesthetic, it’s not something you wish you could have,  depression is a total *******!


A twitter account said that anxiety is just another form of excitement. So does it mean that when I have panic attacks, I am just excited? When I avoid everyday situations, when I can’t get out of my house, when I can’t even get out of my bed, because all of those things cause me anxiety. When I expect the worst in everything that I do and it will ruin the hell out of me. When I’m in a job interview, and I suddenly have my panic attack. When I feel that in every place I will go to, I will experience danger and catastrophe. So you see, that anxiety is not another form of excitement, it is not a trend, it’s a difficult thing to have, it's experiencing chaos everyday in your life and who would want that?


Why do we think that having mental illnesses are wonderful? Why do we wish to have them when there are people suffering? Why are we belittling them, telling them they’re crazy, that it’s all in your mind, but can’t you see, that having chaos inside my mind is the most difficult thing you could ever have. Why do we think they’re weak, when they are fighting battles everyday and they never give up. Why do we think that people with mental illness are just asking for attention when they are asking for help because that’s the thing they need? Imagine that the demons inside of you gave you a gift that you didn’t want, and you can’t seem to destroy it, to leave it, because you think your demons have won. But they didn’t, and they will never. And we are fighting with you, we are with you.


In every battle, there will always be the ones who win. The ones who will achieve the greatest feat, happiness and contentment. But they say, that this battle against the stigma, is a never ending war. However, have you all forgotten who we are? If this is a never ending war, then we are the  fighters.  And we will never ever stop fighting.


*(k.b)