we all talk
about the now
being in the know
knowing where to go
going where we already know

where is now?
geographically, not mentally.
where must i be
to be present
presenting the PowerPoint
my life on display
is it Jakarta? berlin?
baku, beijing or dublin?

how is now served to you?
any dietary requirements to be aware of?
hot or cold? or even, lukewarm?
is it customized to your liking?
or unaltered? half cooked?
medium rare?

do you tip the server
of your now dish?
or consume it
on your genetically altered past plate
with your fragile future fork
knowing when you're done
you'll pay the bare minimum?

when you purchase your now house
and live in it with your now wife
and now kids
with a cute now dog
will you wonder who lost their now
so you could have yours?

when i die,
i refuse to be a nameless grave
marked by a chunk of stone
in the earth

when i die,
i want flowers to be planted
over where i lay
so new life may grow from me

when i die,
i wish to be neat and pretty
a contrast to how i've been in life
frenetic and disorganised

when i die,
will i be remembered?
or will memories of me fade too soon?
and i will turn to dust
we will all slowly turn to dust

i ache
my heart begins to break
heavy with the weight
of my decision

a beautiful flower
a memento of me
memento mori
we know we will die
but life is so much brighter
without this fact

i refuse to be another nothing
just another person in the ground
flowers will bloom from my resting place
a garden just for me

they may try to destroy us
eradicate, eliminate, disconnect us
but even when we are nothing
our solidarity is our everything

one day
i might just disappear
its crystal, transparent, clear
nothing lasts forever here

seasons change like a light switch
days fleeting, s p r e a d i n g out their wings
i wont answer my telephone for weeks
i'm scared to talk to people
vulnerability makes me weak.

missing people are never truly gone
they've got to be somewhere
paris, berlin, helsinki, oslo, nouakchott
san francisco, caracas, mexico city
dead, deep in the ground
alive, mentally sound
fossilising.

one day, i might be free
every day is a dream when
nothing feels quite real

im so angry
my emptiness
my loneliness
my everything
all my emotions
boil down to rage

why must i have such high expectations
of myself, and why must other have
such high expectations of me?
im not built for constant brain tearing,
splitting, spearing forwards, to stab the wall
with the sharp edges of my frazzled mind

im a live wire
fizzling against the ground
begging, reeling, praying
for someone to touch it
to spread its angry, fizzing electricity
through someones heart.

as i continue down this path
drinking and smoking and pushing myself
to death
the teenage dream
my rage will push me to new heights
pull me up to great things
just to spite those who wronged me.

I'm frazzled, disconnect
Can't communicate
with my mental state
It's like trying to converse
With a guy who's high as ****
On LSD or ecstacy
Mephedrone, ***,
Can't talk, can't ask for help
Brain's too ****** to talk to itself
my heart is racing
Can't stand up for long
Maybe I'm ephemera
Wasn't made to be strong
Yet I make myself an anchor
A lighthouse in foggy conditions
Someone to see and
Someone to listen

seventeen

im ******* bored
blasting hyperpop in my ears
screaming in fields and
writing on walls

sixteen

today
and yesterday
every day
all the same

fifteen

wheres my ******* break?
i spend time, i earn it back
some things cost a lot of time
some things, not so much

fourteen
thirteen
twelve
eleven
ten
nine
eight
seven
six
fi­ve
four
three
two
one

and im back awake again
the time flies like planes
how did i get here?
i don't know, but im here to stay

people say im idealistic
and that might be true
but its better to think
that there is a window with a better view
than the dreary one your looking through
because where theres room
for growth and change
there is also room
to stay the same.

Class of 2024
Was ninety five pupils
Back in 2019.
Whittled down to less than 90 by now

Stabbed myself with a compass
in maths paper 3
Just to see if I could still bleed
Or if the high stress made me a machine

"Just two exams, then I'm done"
I like to say.
But when it's all over
Will I keep it together?

general certificate of secondary education
so why the hesitation
this generation
can be whatever they wish
if they do themselves a favour
get a grade 5 over 25 papers
because having a gcse
tends to be
the best way to succeed
but if you need
a 5 in maths and english
to get a history degree
whats the point in trying to reach
what you dream to be?