I am in love with people who are raw,

who aren’t afraid to show their colors

even if those colors are watered down

and the paint that covers their heart

has been chipped away at by ghosts of the past

who sneak into bedrooms at night

and whisper into lonesome ears,

“i am the one you thought you’d gotten rid of

and I am the reason you long for a past 

you wish had never happened to begin with”

Thank you for allowing me to swim to the surface
Before sinking down to the lowest point you've ever been.

I am a thief with no heart of my own
creeping up onto window sills
and tip toeing into the dreams
of falsely accused prisoners
and no mercy is present once I stand in your room
and take what makes me stronger
as if I am the one who should be given a shield

and victims will lie willingly as they are seduced
and no mercy is ever present
even after we escape into the walls
(your former organs and I)
desperately searching for the flesh of the next.

I will **** them to hell before returning to my heaven
because even the sky cannot cut through my deceptive skin.

if there's one thing
about my deranged mind
i'll never understand
it's the fact that you treat me so well
and you tell me everything
any normal girl
would love to hear
but the way you make me feel
will still never compare
to the feeling i got
from just a simple look
from him

Six trains have gone by since you fell asleep. I hope you heard them in your dreams. I wish I could see your face when you're asleep and your lips are the most innocent. I wish you would have stayed.

Tipsy conversations in kitchens of mutual friends
would have never been enough
And to come to such a conclusion
after just one night together (alone)
Would be insane to anyone but us.
I would wish we'd found out sooner,
But to say I'd change even a second
of the time we've spent
Taking in one another's breath
Under sheets we never expected to share
Would be even crazier than admitting that I loved you
the moment you opened your door.

maybe if we would’ve gotten those tattoos like we planned then i’d have any reason to stay with you but i’m the only one who could ever give you that amount of commitment and ok maybe we talked on the phone for two whole hours and maybe i still haven’t gone to sleep because you’ve glued my eyes on you and maybe i’d give anything just to go back to that summer but i love him
i love him
i love him
i love him
i love you
his name should be the one coming up on my screen at 3:18am

I think there will always be a void
that not even the thickest substance can fill
and whether that void is in my heart
or head
or even between my bones
is something I still don't know
and I may not ever.

The music is never loud enough
and the heat is always on too high
and nobody believes you when you tell them you can't breathe
until the windows fog up
and you're forced to write your last words
in the condensation
with shaky fingers.

Jesus Christ, there's another ******* train. It's funny how you don't notice the simplest of everyday things until someone puts them in a syringe and injects them into your veins. Sure your skin replaces itself every 3 to 5 weeks but that doesn't mean a thing when you're carved into my brain. I'm scared I'll start hurting myself again as my own personal punishment. Or maybe it'll be because when I think of you there's no room in my body for any type of substance at all. His name is escaping through the hole in the back of my head and yours is seeping in through the pit in my stomach. I am so filled with you that even my own words are starting to sound like you and if you look closely you will see that they're exiting my mouth so rapidly they're wrapping around themselves and forming your name. The ideas in my head aren't even my own. Maybe if we run fast enough they won't notice.

i sit here and i lie to your face as if it doesn't hurt you even more than the truth would. why can't i look into your eyes without seeing his words carved into your irises? seeing you cry makes me sick but seeing you smile makes me want to ***** because i'm the only one that seems to know that curve on your face is temporary. they should put me in some sort of solitary confinement for the crime i've committed but it seems the only one who can mend your heart is the one who broke it in the first place. i should have known you were made of glass.

it's sunday morning and you wake up early for him.

you sit in a building with a bunch of "good people" and you know they're good because they're in the same place you are.

you listen to a man or a woman speak your words for you except they aren't your words.

you come home and you sit on the couch and you read your little book full of what you say is the "truth" but you don't actually know.

you change the station because what's entering your ears isn't about him and in his eyes that's a sin.

you get angry when i call you religious because it's "not the right term."

you tell me i'll never be happy unless i introduce myself to a being that doesn't even exist.

you watch your youngest daughter do what makes her happy and you sigh in disappointment.

when will you learn?

That night haunts me like I might as well have committed a ******. Your tongue tastes like a longing for cigarettes and those last four shots of "just having fun" but I'm not supposed to know that. You proceed to tell me I'm a dream come true right before she calls you because she had a nightmare. How ironic it is that she runs to you for comfort when you're the one creating lies as you speak through the phone at 6am with me lying by your side. I wake up from only an hour of sleep and find myself in your bed and whisper "it's not real" as you roll over and pull me closer as if I'm yours. I'll go about my day with a hangover in the place of my dignity and occasionally the memories come up with the alcohol. I'm starting to think it was actually the thoughts that made me feel so sick.

Your room is becoming my broken boat in the middle of a raging ocean, but it won't float with both of us in it.
We can patch up the holes all we want but we both know that tape won't permanently fix splintered boards and I know you can't admit it but you'd survive just fine if I jumped into the mouth of the creature that's been stalking us and the sea would slowly bring you back to shore if you would let it because it's much fonder of you than it's ever been of me.

we can't always follow our dreams, or our hearts for that matter. if we did we would all be walking around aimlessly, running into walls and sneaking up on ex lovers the way we beg them to do to us in our heads.

He touches my face
and I can feel the love exiting his fingertips
when it would usually feel like infatuation
and when I tell him I'm here to stay
his face lights up as if he's seeing the sunset
for the first time all over again.
Thoughts I have throughout the day
are ones of his thighs wrapped tightly around mine
as he whispers that he loves me
through the gaps between sighs and moans.
He sings with me in the car
and he loves my weird taste in almost everything
and the stupid voices I use when I don't know what to say
and I swear to god if I couldn't be his forever
I would rather just belong to the earth.

Whether I'm the first person you think of
when you open your eyes in the morning
Or the last person you would choose to call
in an emergency of sheer panic
At least I am running through your mind at all
And I will keep running.

When you’re driving to the house of the only person you love and the only things standing between hurting them and keeping them safe are the words under your tongue and the time it takes to get there, your own life suddenly becomes unimportant.
Not once in my life has suicide been a thought that I would actually consider. But when you’re driving alone and it’s raining and the person you would do anything for is going to despise you in a matter of seconds and you don’t even blame them because you hate yourself too, it becomes an option. I am screaming at myself from inside this machine that only I have control of and I remember whispering, “do it. You deserve to die.” I have never hated myself a fraction of the amount I did in this moment, and for the first time in my life, the only thing stopping me from destroying everything I had ever become were the people I had already hurt. I decided one stab wound was enough.

i've written hundreds of thousands of beautiful lines of poetry about you in my head but i'm never satisfied with what comes out of it. i suppose it all comes down to one sentence.

it's been three years and i still believe you're the one i am supposed to end up with.

tell me why it's been two years and my heart still hasn't caught up with my head. it beats so fast i'm surprised i'm not dead and i can't decide if it stops or beats faster when  i hear your voice at 4am. the sunrise still looks just like the colors in your left eye and the only difference is that the sun goes away at night but you stay awake in my thoughts. everything reminds me that we could actually be something real and the worst part is that it's up to me but my heart isn't strong enough to take that risk a second time or should i say a fifth or sixth or seventh time. then again maybe you never left in the first place. maybe my heart isn't behind, but my head is just too far forward to be able to see what it's passing up. maybe you've been here the whole time.

I miss you. Jesus Christ, I miss you. They say you’re not good for me. But if that’s true, then tell me why every time I’m in the car at night, I stare out the window and think of all the time i could have spent with you, instead of being lost in my memory. I can’t fathom the lack of feeling and the ache i get when I realize you’re no longer in my life. The truth is that if I could go back in time, I would in a heart beat, as long as that heart beat was yours and I could hear it pounding against the bones in your chest one last time. They say I can do better. But I can’t think of anything better than the feeling I got when you told me you loved me for the very first time. All it would take are three little words and I swear I’d be lost in you again. Ease your way back into my mind. You already found your way into my heart, seventeen months and fourteen days ago.

I ask myself again and again what it means to be infatuated with the little parts that make up the creation of you. To call it love almost seems too cavalier, too simple. Maybe what we (could've) had was something much different from love. Maybe it was chaos and fear and guilt all mashed together creating our own perception of romance or innocence. All I know is that whatever it was, if I were forced to go through it again with anyone in the universe, I would choose you. I would do it again and again and alter every ending until we ended up together, you and I, just like we dreamed about when we were 16 years old without a sense of direction.

I'd go back in a heartbeat.

all you've ever known is me so i have to wonder if you wish you could have a taste of those girls with long brown hair and naturally bright eyes because if i were in your shoes i would at least want to experience that before settling for someone like me and i'm so scared that one day you'll find a girl whose eyes are golden in the sunlight but deep brown when you're alone in your bedroom that i know so well and that you'll actually have the chance to run your fingers through her soft wavy hair and they won't get stuck in the process because it isn't messy and tangled like mine and she won't have to wear makeup to hide the dark circles under her eyes because she doesn't have to send pills down her throat in the morning just to feel normal enough to get through the day without breaking down the way i do when i realize you're too good for me

i've always thought of you as beautiful, but who doesn't think this of their closest friends? the way you talk and move and breathe gives me a feeling that i've always defined as jealousy. maybe i'm not crazy for wishing for our skin to come in contact, or maybe we both are. as long as we were crazy together i wouldn't mind.

******* my hands haven't shook this much since the first time you held them in the backseat of the car. what if i'm just imagining all of this and you don't actually miss me at all? what if on friday i pour my heart out to you and you can't tell me you've felt the same for the past two years? why the **** do i still care so much? god i miss your touch and your lips and your skin and eyes and fingers and that perfect ******* smile. why am i the only one who sees it?