Broken cages, a rush of joy
running until your lungs explode
The world and beyond is yours
massive expanses of nothing
and a little boat caught up in the storm
tossed by the waves of the wind
while the captain laughs and dances in the
rain.

Again I falter
For the arrow
Who would remain so and break (hearts)
Than bend or curve
The contours of her body
Sharp, so sharp
Her hair bleeds
And her voice
and her eyes
and her heart
So sweet
I ache for her again
Though I know
'Tis in vain
For the woman who loves the arrow ends up split in twain.

I've stepped out of myself
Looking from above all my
Problems are small!
Big letters mean big hearts
Mean big LOVE!
Look at the pretty sweaty
Windowsill
Look at the things moving but still
There is no normal 'cause no one's
Sure if anyone else is here
At this cloud look at me
Move as if through jello
All is calm, all is soft
Look at all the pretty little things
All of them seem so small
Everything's in order and I can see
The order
Which song leads to a sour note?
I can read the music
I can breathe a sigh of absolute
Relief
Because now I know what
To do
Just to stay in the path
Or forge my own
The first breath tasted
The sweetest
Everything is exactly as
It should be

i remember the very first time
you told me you loved me
it was too warm a night
and i could smell your sweat
under the scent of your clothes
a perfume or even a cologne

i didn't expect those three words
i just didn't see them form
i wanted to watch your mouth
but i was in your arms
and didn't feel your heart beating
empty words or ones with meaning

i walk into a room
where you wait
and turn my gaze to you
your gentle heart shudders loudly enough for me to feel it in my own chest
then falls to your knees before my mouth even opens

i look into you
unwavering
unrepentant
a tigress locked onto her prey

your eyes drop to my lips as i smile
and you mimic the movement
you show me your teeth
you open to me

i pick up your pulse
racing in your tilted neck
i'm doing this to you, my mind reminds me coolly, and my grin widens cruelly

my hand hovers above you
your body blushes where i pass
words wander from your throat to your mouth
dripping
dammed

when i touch you the barrier breaks and rivers rush forth from your lips
and the sound is my music
i dance to its frantic rhythm

only when words lose their meaning
and your eyes turn toward the heaven from which they were created
and blasphemous prayers pour from your tongue
will i let you be still

The wind is getting in but not out. we know this because we see the curtain rise
we love our mismatched furniture
we love our scraggly hair
we love our couch with the cigarette burn in the second cushion from the right
and our ever constant stream of dishes that we wash ourselves to make our room mate smile
we love our valentine's day door hanger
we love our nonfunctional bicycle
we love our half eaten box of cookies
and our overfull incense burner
and making puns about our incense burner
we love our phonebook that we found by the door today
we love our friends
we are joyful his day

She sees a friend
I pray for more
And in her hands
Her cold cross cuts
Her gift to me
Her faith that guides
And in her hands
Her cold cross cuts
Our hands connect
Hers cool, mine fire
And in our hands
Her cold cross cuts
Her eyes on mine
I stammer thanks
And in our hands
Her cold cross cuts
She walks away
Into the night
And in my hands
Her cold cross cuts

This
All of this
This browsing in Walgreens when I have no ******* money to spend on makeup or pencils or tampons or iPod chargers or candles or diapers or juice or valentines or matches or tissues or anything
I have no ******* money to spend on anything
I have no ******* money to spend on food or water or air or freedom
And they touch me when I scream DON'T ******* TOUCH ME
And they feed me when I scream DON'T ******* FEED ME
DON'T ******* TOUCH ME
DON'T ******* FEED ME
I'M GOING OUTSIDE INTO THE PRISON YARD THAT STRETCHES ON FOR MILES AND MILES AND MILES
I'M GOING OUTSIDE INTO THE PRISON YARD THAT GOES ON FOR MILES AND MILES AND MILES AND IT NEVER ******* ENDS
I have no choice but to let them touch me
I have no choice but to let them feed me
Because they can
Because they can
And I am nothing
And I AM NOTHING
GET ME OUT OF HERE
OPEN THIS ******* DOOR
LET ME OUT
DO YOU ******* HEAR ME
LET
ME
OUT

in theory
warmth on a warm day
shouldn't be what i want

but locked into you
holding on for dear life
while my toes barely
touch the floor
sweat is sweet

i hold the heat
my hands damp
my eyes wide for lack of light

if you are summer
melt the ice that lingers on my riverbed
guide the snowmelt down between my banks
i don't want to be cold anymore

We watched the fire burn until it died
Kicked dust upon the embers then and sighed
We watched the moon retreat into the sky
We watched the lightning strike and wondered why
And when you took me home I tried to smile
Because at least I'd seen you for a while
But then you left and so my heart went south
I'm left with naught but ashes in my mouth

i wish for--
i want--
wisdom
it's a curiosity i can't crush
it's a ******* tongue has never met
yet it lingers on my mouth like a memory
my mind melts on the thought
sizzling, singed, scorched
the words i want washed out
bubble to the surface of my throat
but i am gagged
and you are blind
bound
beautiful

B R E A T H E

sounds settle
the moment passes
i am certain sleep will solve this
as i lie awake until sunrise
the thought taunts
your voice summons words i have never heard you speak
i am haunted

Icy pitch
No warmth in her tone
all is cold
she frosts glass with her breath
her nose almost touching the mirror
glaring coldly into her own eyes
tears freeze
in the middle of their
descent
down her stony face
but the blue blood that drips down
into the sink
makes her arms feel warm
and fills her with
fire

i look for you in my arms
raised lines where i marked time's passage in shame
only bumps now
only scars
i look for you there and find no one
nothing

i look for you in the things you left in my room
a necklace
a pin
hard cold things that collect dust but not your scent
yours but forgotten

i look for you down the street
a parking lot
a place
empty now but for ash and debris

i lay here

my bed empty where it once held you
my heart empty where it once held you
my smile empty where it once held you

It's not worth it
This front flip
You're safe
You're talking
I am miles awake
Curbing habits
You're safe
You are
I know this as sober
I know this guitar hero
Earth ****** flat
A song controls my
Life I am
Pulling this
Family apart

the well is dry
i cannot collect water
i cannot sustain life

the river is swollen with toxic mud
i cannot cross to the other side
i cannot escape this

the grasslands have not seen rain in many years
the smallest spark could destroy this place
and i am awash in static

i sit under a long dead tree
and try to rest
and try to remain still

for to move is to cause a cataclysm
yet to remain stagnant is to cause my own demise

the wildlife that did not flee the drought have perished
the scavengers that came to pick apart the carcasses are gone as well

only i remain
the monarch of nothing
but bones and barren earth

It doesn't feel that way to me
Right now
It feels like hell burst free to claw at my heart
A cold fire burns me
One that makes me
Despise humanity (but never you)
I don't want to see the sky above
Because the light that radiates from you
Is blinding even as it fades
And now it melts away my eyes
And now it chars my lips
Gasoline! You are gasoline
And I drank you up
And you'll burn me down.

Every step is heavy
Her legs are made of lead
Her eyes are cast down, weary
of the shadows in her head

*high school student killed in car accident...

i saw a woman the other day
whose wild strawberry blond hair reminded me of yours
my speech stammered to a halt
my eyes glazed over and were cast down

almost six months have passed since you did
i think of the night that fell upon you
hungry and rabid
and i know that for me it is yet dusk

your eyes quietly invade mine
i defensively avert my eyes, only to be disarmed by your smile
i laugh in spite of myself
for there is no place that you cautiously inhabit
that is safe for me to look upon

i struggle to dam an ocean but it presses up against the walls until they crack
and salt erodes my twisted face
the room blinks faster but the water won't stop rushing down
flooding this closed off space that doesn't belong to me
i block off my mouth against the tide of the sound that will
inevitably shake its way loose from my anchored chest
but i can't block off my mind against the tide of thought that will inevitably shake its way loose from my anchored head

water boils faster when salt is added
i struggle to dam an ocean but it presses up against the walls until they crack
and fog rolls into my eyes from the darkened shore
the scorching sunlight rises in my cracking chest
i open my mouth and the gulls cry
unintelligibly
they circle and they circle
their screams ringing, echoing, fading unnoticed

i reach out for something, anything to keep from being dragged away by the tide but find only sand slipping between my fingers and under my nails and salt in my eyes
and in my mouth
and in my throat
and in my lungs
and then there is only night

come dawn
i am still awake
the fan and open windows
do nothing to cool my burning body

the summer sun set many hours ago
but the heat remains
sweat pools in my hands
and falls from my face
onto my sheets, leaving ghosts of stains

last night
we sat on the steps by the dumpsters and talked about how we couldn't remember what it was like to feel safe in our own homes

last week
we drank hot coffee on a 97 degree day and talked about how hard it was to talk to others and how easy it was to talk to each other

last month
i wasn't thinking about you like this

come sunrise
i am still awake

I have no middle
I am not empty
If there was nothing to fill in the first place
My fingers dance
Where there is no music
There will be no music
Never again
I was born to die
Never to smile
Never to feel the joy
of togetherness
Of light
No tears
Only space
Drifting away from the shores of
Sanity
The shadows have gone and I am alone
in the grey

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

losing phone tag, no reply
reread texts, heavy sigh

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

unlock, check, and lock again
the clouds outside are heavy with rain

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

seconds, minutes, hours pass
hack through time with tempered glass

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

night fall, rain start
dully beating sluggish heart

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

in my observations of you
i notice the way they look at you

they
these others

those who, were it not for you, i would crave for myself

the ones with soft hair cascading down their sharp shoulders
the ones with soft mouths veiling their sharp teeth

their shining eyes trace a path for their gentle hands to follow
their clever lips curl at the corners when yours do

the boldest of them touches you, something i could never do,
and the mark where she touches you sears into my vision like spite

while the lukewarm fingers of jealousy encircle my throat
i know there is nothing i can do

i can only watch them watch you
and watch you
and want you

i can't sit still
i can't lay down
i can't sleep

there is no time for rest
there is no time for play
there is no time

there is so much i must do
there is so much i must do
there is so much i must do

what i've done is not good enough
what i've done is not enough

i have to do more
i'm so tired but i have to do more

no sleeping
i'll sleep when i've done what i must do

i don't know what i must do
but i know i have to do it
whatever it is
and then i'll be content, right?
right?





right?

the starving child with filthy hands
reaches quietly towards me for anything i can give
knowing from experience that cries will fall on deaf ears

i turn my face away
refusing to feed the pathetic creature
because i want some semblance of superiority over something for once in my life

because when i was starving
not for food, but for something far more filling
i too was left wanting
and i need someone to feel that desperation too

because i want that child to learn as i did
that the world is a cruel place
and that you need to learn how to feed yourself
or perish in slow starvation

because when you give away all that you have
leaving nothing for yourself to gnaw upon
you are no better than the starving masses you serve
and death is far better than what you deserve

the child and i will starve together

i am the bronchitis afflicted
memory washed rogue that
spills across the streets like
tears of laughter

i am the screen breathing
hand trembling sweat bleeding
souls of heaven
eyes skyward

i am the all striped all checkered
all wooden apologies
smiles of understanding
leers of worry
tears of laughter

i am the all aching all breathing all shuddering all fire all water
all WATER
all fog
all cold
all alone
ALL JOY

They're just words
characters on a dusty old page
knives spat into someone's back
waves washing over their heads
In one ear
Out the other
Unless of course they fell
like rain
on deaf ones
Ringing
Stinging
Their they're there
Whispers, screams, and all in between
Causing pain or revelation
Thousands of languages, some of them dead
Hollow, rich
Biting sarcasm to a lover's caress
They're just words...

give me a bolt from the blue, O omnipotent *******
smite me
strike me dead where i stand
You won't ******* do it
You don't have the guts

You'll let me rot in this hell but You won't just ******* **** me
is death too good for me?
are my friends happy on the other side?
You'll take them but You won't take me
and Your ****** tell me You love me

i don't want Your pitiful love
i want Your wrath
where's that power i'm supposed to fear?
i'm a sinner, right?
then smite me! i'm right here!

i've given You so many chances
and You just won't ******* do it
where's Your mercy?
where's Your peace?
i don't see it

burn me off of this earth
knock me out of the sky
drown me in fire or water
i don't care how You do it anymore
as long as You do it now

i don't ask You for anything
just give me this one thing and i'll be out of Your hair forever
i swear to You
on my life
take it away from me

let me go
let me have this
please