Can I die?
Well yeah you can they say.
But they don’t  know what I mean.
They don't know I mean **** myself
suffer
pain
die.
I'm asking them please.
They’re saying yes but they don't know what for.
I don't really matter.
can’t they see that I want to die
suffer painfully

Why the hell do I feel alone? can you answer my questions? Im drowning in a deep black hole,how the **** is that even possible?Well in my world it is possible,cause its happening to me!You understand? What about how every year I put death on my birthday wish list?
What about how I have the pain of dying on my bucket list,
or how Id love to just cut my hole body up until I have to cut over the other cuts?
Do you understand how I feel like i'm choosing this path for myself but in reality the path chose me I just was so young so I followed it?
Do you still understand?
you can help?
Me?
YOU?
Haven't I explained enough?
NO,you can't help me!
Its impossible,
Medication just makes me feel like ****,
talking to you makes me just wanna punch you in the ******* face until you just shut  the hell up,
Ive been to hospitals they just stalk me thats it.
do you really think that helps?
you cant help me?
you'll try but you’ll miserably fail?
The monster in me will destroy you if you try to help me!
it will not only make you suffer it will **** me.
You say you can help me but, there is no way that is possible.
I'm shattered glass on the pavement no longer able to be fixed
iIm broken never to be fixed

Is it okay?
That i'm different?
Is it okay?
That I wear black?
My cloths have rips in them?
How about how I wear dark make up?
Well I truly try to be good enough for you for everyone but, me.
Im sorry for being different.
Im sorry but i’ll never be good enough.
I never have been good enough for anyone especially myself.

he’s beautiful just sitting there waiting for the train to come by and hit him.Goodbye he’ll sing.
he’s beautiful even though he has a blade waiting for him underneath his mattress.
He’s beautiful even though he drowns his thoughts away with that little white and blue pill that just drags his rag doll body up into the white until he slowly painfully sinks back down again.

he’s beautiful even when he’s crying tears of blood!
I’ll always think he’s beautiful.
he’s perfect like a canvas of colors that fit perfectly together.
I love him
and always will
he’s the only one that I give a chance to throw my love away
he’s the only one that I trust enough to carry me away
He’s the only one that holds me in a daze
I love him
but,I can't have him
she has him
that lucky *** girl
but,she doesn't know how lucky she is
she cheats and then goes and tells him that she loves him and always will,
but in reality i'm the only one that means that
she is destroying my love
he’s going to die
I need to save him
but...I cant its impossible I can't fly high enough to reach him he’s in the white I'm not happy enough to do that for him,
I have to he’s my love
I can't just give up
he never did
I cant
I see that they’ve broke up
I saved him
but he doesn't love me anymore he’s after another girl.

Dead.
Gone.
Trapped.
Slowly dying
No pain.
I can't breathe
I'm suffocating
No,I can't control it
My emotions,
Thoughts,
Attempts.
I want to die and,
That's it.
That's why I attempted suicide
So I would die
But, no you have to come along ruin my whole ******* plain you stupid ****
You talk to me in my head saying
"Oh sweety no you're worth it you have your life ahead of you,you beautiful child just go to sleep you'll feel better soon"
No!!!
I will never feel better or great ever
That's impossible
I'm depressed
I want to die
But you keep interfering with my plain to die, suffocate
Just let me go drown
It will be our little secret
Okay?
Please.
I'm begging you
If you interrupt me again I'll have to **** you my dear
I love you but,dying is my first priority.
I know this will hurt you but I will accomplish this time...
Don't grieve over me you'll just waist your time.
Don't cry,you'll be better without me it's not like you really gave a **** in the first place,you just ignored me before do it now
Don't go trying to **** yourself it won't work darling
You're already dead I killed you many times before
Don't go running and telling everyone that your heart got broken because it didn't you don't have a heart and you never did
Don't say that you loved me because if you did you would of never killed me in the first place
You would of let me live but
You had to destroy me like all the others
Well it's time for me to go
Goodbye.

Leave me alone.


Leave me alone.
I dont want your questions or statements
Id rather not hear your fake *** complements that insist on still melting my heart even though you’re not telling the truth
Id beg for mercy so you wouldn't have to show me your perfect body compared to my fractured one.
Leave me alone.
before I let my demons crawl out of me and **** you.
you little innocent doll
you're a ****** to the world.
you don't know anything
including me.
your a perfect doll
i’m a rag doll.

Dear diary,
I miss myself.. the one who likes to smile and bring bright colors wherever she goes,
im not me anymore.
thats the sad thing for many  people they say they miss my big smile or my wonderful laugh.
i just nod and agree with them they say i still have it..the joy,hope the old me.
i know thats not true.
im not me.
im the one who became shattered,broken into bits because of them the ones who are suppose to love me,the ones who are suppose to bring and make memories with me.
the ones who are supposed to teach me how to trust,
the ones who are supposed to be trusted by me.

                 the ones who are suppose to be loved by me,    

the ones who have to be loved by me,
the ones who are loved by me but very little,
the ones who are suppose to help me when everything is falling apart!
i need them but, they're not here
i need them but they're not there.
for me.
it hurts to see them destroying each other..
including themselves..
they're bringing me with them,
im going down into the deep dark hole they call hell.
they're destroying me with them..
they don't even care!
how could they?
hello?
im alone now theyre dead.
help..
please someone..
they're not coming back .thats a lot like them to do that.
they're my parents,
family..
they matter to me,
i guess i dont matter to them..
i still love them though,
just like their innocent..
thats a lot like me to still love them.

depression.
is like drowning but, you can see everyone else breathing.
you have thoughts, maybe even dreams about going into a black hole and never returning.
you have no faith,hope,belief in yourself.
you're tired of living so, you try and attempt suicide but, then comes along your demons who want you to be alive so they can terrorize you, **** you slowly,painfully.
you will die eventually,if not survive but thats very rare for someone to recover without relapsing and running to their demons once again.
we learn how to deal with them speaking to them so they won't get lonely and decide to make you do something crazy. they take over your entire mind and body.
you don't think like you do.
you don't speak like you.
you don't make decisions like you used to.
they control you and theres no refusing to do what they want you to.
Depression is like a sickness that you cannot cure no medicine..yes there is medicine that makes you feel like ****,and makes you happy but thats truly justs drugging you.
there is no cure to depression you want to die and some how you'll find a way.
A painful way.
suicide.
now thats the worst most powerful side effect of depression.
suicide.
a wish to die.
it doesn't matter how just that you want to die over and over again to feel the pain that lets you know you're still breathing, and alive.
it drives you insane.
you try and fight through but theres no choice but to go along with it.
youre tired of looking at happy people.laugh it off like nothings happening.
tired of hearing peoples sob stories about how their cat died yesterday and not realizing you're slowly dying in front of there dim wit face.
tired of looking at things and thinking of how you'd like to do that but you just can't because you are demanded not to by the voices so instead you sit there with a wish to die in your head.
tired of listening to people give you fake *** compliments about how your so pretty,how your just so beautiful.
you know they're lying so instead you just walk away.
with the wish to die.

As she sharpens the knife she cries tears of joy that she will soon die..
feel the joy of going down where she belongs, hell.
they thought she was getting better..they were wrong,
she got worse after he left without saying goodbye.
she has no meaning anymore.
no reason to keep living hopelessly.
shes alone..
he left her for what he wanted too..
death,
he wanted death too..
she stayed for him,
why couldn't he do the same for her?
well, he's gone now..he told her not to try he wanted her to live a long strong life.
he should of thought of that before he decided to pop those pills that night.
she won't forget him..
but she’ll forget those beautiful eyes..the ones that caught her by surprise..
she cant handle to remember how his heart would beat against her own.
she will never forget how he said he loved every **** night.
never forget those salty tears running down his perfect silicone face.
she will always love him..
but hate him for making her feel this way.
she’s doing this to see him,
to feel his coldness again.
is he still there or did he actually leave her soul too.
he did he's not there she feels warmth he's not warm he’s cold usually.
he doesn't say i love you he just stands there in shock..
she sees those salty tears once more,
he asks why she tells him that he left her and that he led her to this.
he was in her now eating at her..
telling her to stop that knife now so she could live a happy life..
he told her to scream out help!
he told her to stop the knife from hurting her anymore,
he told her to stop it
the knife was cutting deeper and deeper now.
he yelled out that he loved her.
she stopped and had finally realized what she had done.
she broke him even more.
she dropped the knife as she felt the warmth of her leave that porcelain body of hers.
he said he loved her like he had done before.
she took her last breath..
and walked away with her love..
into the darkness of hell..
she cried of joy that she had him again but he was different..this time he looked at her like she was his prey..
before he had looked so soft those brown eyes are black now..
his hands don't move the same way..they grab her like he wants to throw her away..
his face looks disgusted..
was it her?
he was evil now..what happened?
he kisses her and bites her she falls and say stop he doesn't he kills her once more.
she looks away and sees him..
the one she loves she calls out that she loved him all she sees is him on the floor the night..
that he died took his life away.
he walks away and doesn't say a thing she watches as those salty tears pour out of him for the last time.
she whispers i love you through the door.
he went on and cried that night she left him to die..
why did she leave him?
how could she?
all he wanted was to love her.
as he sharpens the knife he cries out why?
he cant help but scream her name.
he sees her as he presses harder and as it gets deeper and deeper by the second he hits the floor..
and sees her..she's crying and saying something..
she is whispering i love you..
he says it back..
as they die together..
the memories of each other creep into their minds….

she looked at me with those big wide innocent eyes..again,
i cried,
im crying!
she doesn't care..
what a *****..
she doesn't ******* care!
i'm falling hard..
again.
im falling for her..
again.
i'm breaking to pieces..again.
im dying again for her.

If you only knew how..
how much i’ve been through..
how much pain i inflict on myself..
even though it really doesn't hurt it just takes the pain away for not long.
If you knew how hard i try..    
to be enough for you..
for society..
for the world..
earth and beyond.
If you knew how many scars i have you’d change your mind..
but you dont know.
If you knew you’d
be scared..
hate me perhaps.

.Filicia.


you finally came back…
your porcelain innocent doll face..looking at my fractured body.
you’re not innocent,
you’re not good,
you’re not real..
you’re not worth my time..
but you are thats exactly whats wrong with me…
i choose to stay even when it’s not possible for you to change; you say..
i know you can change..
i believe in you…
i have faith..little faith and believe in myself but you…
you’re more to me..
than my own life itself.
you can't go..i won't let you..
i will tie you up put chains around you my love will hold you until you can see what you’re worth..
huh,
i have so little energy..
im using it all to run around the merigal round chasing you round’ and round.
im out of breath.
do you see?
i already have caught  up with you..
i know you want to be happy..
be able to laugh without having to swallow it down..
i know you’d like to smile let your teeth show..but instead you hide that beautiful smile of yours with your sleeve..
i know what you’re hiding those scars that are buried beneath your  oh so pale skin..beautiful..thats what they are..
i know what's beneath those clothes of yours beauty..
look at you you’re my super model..
perfect..to me..
lovely..velvet blood stains your clothes..
your velvet red luscious blood drips down your oh so pale but amazingly perfect skin…
im stained with your perfect insides..
you're my drug just the sight of you makes me wanna bleed..
you're so perfect to me.

YOURE A MASTERPIECE.
A PERFECT PICTURE PAINTED BY A BEAUTIFUL QUEEN.
YOU ARE DEFINITELY WORTH MY TIME.
YOU ARE DEFINITELY THE GIRL ALL THE GUYS WILL WANDER AFTER
DEFINITELY THE GIRL ALL THE GUYS WILL GO THROUGH THE TERRIBLE FOREST TO SEE THE WICKED WITCH TO HAVE YOU.
YOURE BEAUTIFUL.
YOU ARE PERFECT.
YOUR BODY IS ITS OWN PERFECTION THAT ATTRACTS ME.
OH I WANT YOU SO BADLY.
TAKE YOU IN MY ARMS AND CARRY YOU AWAY LIKE YOUR PRINCESS IN ARMOR.
BABY I WANT TO SEE YOU WALK DOWN THAT AISLE SOMEDAY.
I WILL GET ON ONE KNEE SOMEDAY.
AND BABY I HOPE YOU'LL SAY YES.
WELL HAVE A PERFECT FAMILY BECAUSE YOU'LL MAKE EVERYTHING PERFECT.
WE'LL BE TOGETHER AND IT WILL BE A FAIRY TALE.
ONE NO ONE NOT EVEN THE PERFECT COUPLE HAVE EVER LIVED
BECAUSE IT WILL BE YOU AND I.

why are you looking at me?
stop...looking at me..im addicted to those fiery but icy cold eyes..
i hate you..
but i love you.
you’re so beautiful..
your body and all,
i hate that you don’t see your image the way i do.
you are perfect,
gorgeous,
beautiful..
you are everything that i could ever want.
you are everything that i could ever want to be.
you are everything i’d like to be.
you are everything i’d love to be.
you are everything i’d like to have.
you are everything i’d love to have.
that beautiful body of yours to hold all night..
that mysterious but amazing mind to read..
those soft warm lips against my neck..
those amazingly red lips against my lips..
to feel the cold of your hand on my own..
to hold you when your nightmares take over,
to stare straight into those eyes that attract me, get me everytime..
i’d love to say i love you..
perhaps whisper it in your ear..
my beautiful love,
i’d protect you..save you from tripping on ****** roses..
save your heart from getting crushed..
to catch you when you decide to fall.
i love you.

he said he loved me,
he said he cared,
he said he wouldn't break me,
he said he understood,
he said he loved me,
he said he would protect me,
he said he would help me,
he said he loved me ,
he said he cared,
he said a lot of things that i would die to hear once more.
his lips were addictive just like air,
he said he would stay with me,
he said he would be there,
he said he loved me,
he said he cared.
he told me he loved me.
he told me he'd be there.
he left me to hang.
left me to bleed.
left me to die.
left me to be broken one more time.
he snapped me in half again.
he lead me on.
he took what was mine,
and ran away.
he told me he loved me.
he said that he cared.
he said that he promised he’d always be there.
he lied like all the others.
i thought he cared.
i thought that he loved me.
i thought that he was different from the others but he was just a spare.
a fool to be so cruel.
a fool to sweep me off my feet,
then let me weep in a pool of my own blood.
i told him everything all my secrets and fears
he knew i feared to lose him
and he knew the game very well..
the game of love and the game of loss.
he knew i couldn't lose another soul
he knew id beg and plead for him to run on back to me
but instead he led me to my death
my heartbreak once more.
he told me that he loved me
he told me that he cared.
he told me that he loved me
he told me that he cared
he told me that he’d be there
he told me that he cared he told me things
ive never heard before.
he told me wild things that made my heart glow even more
he told things that i fell for
he told me that he loved me
he told me that he’d save me
he told me that he would protect me
he told me that he loved me once more
he’s just like the rest
they destroy
and ****
they only want one thing
they pretend to fall in love with you.
they tell you they love you.
they tell you they care.
they tell you they’ll be there
they tell you they’ll save you from your demons and terriers
you believe them
sometimes give in
you believe them
they kiss you,
cuddle you.
make you feel love.
you believe you can feel the warmth
but there is none
just cold
they take what they want
then they tell you basically that you're not enough.
that you can't give them what they want.
what they dream of.
they want perfection.
seeking for innocent blood
then they let you down easy
they turn mean and start to destroy you.
just remember they're just out for one thing
and don't let your guard down baby because if you do they won't stay long

I'VE NEVER BEEN THAT GIRL ALL THE GUYS BOW DOWN TO.
IVE NEVER ACTUALLY MET A GUY WHO WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR ME.
NEVER BEEN A POPULAR PERSON.
NEVER BEEN PERFECT ON THE INSIDE OUT.
NEVER BEEN HOMECOMING QUEEN.
IVE NEVER BEEN ON A CHEERLEADING TEAM.
NEVER HAD GIRLS THAT WANTED TO BE ME.
NEVER BEEN CALLED PERFECT BY GUYS ON THE VARSITY FOOTBALL TEAM.
I'VE NEVER KISSED KEN.
BUT,
I AM ME.
I'VE BEEN THE GIRL WHO ALL THE GUYS HAVE RESPECT FOR.
I'VE BEEN THE GIRL THAT ALL THE GUYS CALL FRIEND.
I HAVE BEEN THE GIRL THAT HAS HAD IMPERFECT BUT PERFECT GUYS CRUSH ON ME.
I'VE BEEN THE GIRL THAT SPENDS HER WEEKENDS AT THE SKATEPARK OR RIDING DIRTBIKES.
IM THE GIRL THAT HAS SARCASM EVERYONE FEARS TO HEAR.
IM THE GIRL THAT WILL BE TOTALLY HONEST EVEN IF IT WILL HURT YOUR FEELINGS.
IM THE GIRL THAT CAN BE PRETTY.
IM THE GIRL THAT PREFERS SHORTS OR PANTS OVER SKIRTS AND DRESSES.
IM THE GIRL WHO LIKES FISHNETS AND COMBAT BOOTS.
THE GIRL THAT WILL GET CRAZY.
THE GIRL THAT DEFENDS HERSELF AND PEOPLE SHE CARES ABOUT.
I WILL GET IN YOUR FACE IF YOU GET IN MINE.
I WOULD RATHER HAVE ONE SPECIAL GUY THEN HAVE TWENTY FAKE GUYS.
IM THE GIRL THAT RESPECTS YOU IF YOU RESPECT ME.
IM THE HARD HEADED GIRL THAT IS STUBBORN AS HELL.
I DON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH JERKS.
I PLAY HARD TO GET IF I FEEL THAT YOU WANT ME TO BE EASY.
IM THE GIRL THAT WILL KICK YOUR ***  IF YOU MESS WITH ME.

MY OLD LIFE WAS BETTER,
MY OLD LIFE WAS SIMPLER,
MY OLD LIFE WAS HAPPIER,
MY OLD SELF WAS WORTHY,
MY  OLD SELF WAS PRETTY,
MY OLD SELF WAS BEAUTIFUL,
MY OLD SELF WAS SKINNIER,
MY OLD SELF WAS USEFUL,
MY OLD SELF WAS PERFECT.



MY OLD SELF HAD CONFIDENCE,
MY OLD SELF HAD A HAPPY LIFE,
MY OLD SELF HAD A LIFE,
MY OLD SELF HAD A MOM,
MY OLD SELF HAD EVERYTHING,
MY OLD SELF LOVED HERSELF.
MY OLD SELF WAS LOVEABLE,
MY OLD SELF WAS LIKEABLE,
MY OLD SELF HAD A VOICE,
MY OLD SELF IS DEAD,
MY OLD SELF IS GONE,
TRAPPED BENEATH ALL THE PAIN,
THE ANGER IS FORCING BACK.
MY OLD SELF WILL NEVER COME BACK.






NOW I'M STUCK,
NOW IM LOST,
NOW I CRY,
NOW IM FAT,.
NOW I'M UGLY,
NOW I'M WORTHLESS,
NOW I'M HELPLESS,
NOW I'M USELESS,
NOW I'M IMPERFECT,
NOW IM SCARED,
NOW I'M QUIET,
NOW I'M SOLD OUT,
NOW I HAVE NO HEART,
NOW I'M COLD AS ICE,
NOW I HAVE NO FEELINGS,
NOW I'M USELESS,
NOW I'M NOT HAPPY,
NOW IM SAD,
NOW IM GONE,
NOW IM DEAD,
NOW I'M TIRED,
NOW IM HEART BROKEN,
NOW I WILL NEVER BE SAVED,
NOW I WILL NEVER BE SEEN,
NOW ALL ILL DO IS HID FROM THE TRUTH,
BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS BAD AND IT STINGS IT PINCHES ME WITH EVERY TOUCH.
NOW I WILL GO AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK.

When,
when will i be able to look at the world and think how lucky i am to be here..
there.
When will i be able to look in the mirror and think of how beautiful i am?
i know that  beauty isn't me,
does not exist in me.
never will i be any type of beauty.
When will i see my life flash before my eyes just like those innocent children playing in the street at night not looking for cars, people who are intoxicated.
My eyes arent wide anymore..
nothing amazes me not even your ******* beauty.
ive seen it all.
******..
violence..
death thats how it goes..
life
its all a game
no one wins we all die all go to hell..
everyone lies..
steals..
hearts have been broken ..
right?
theres no one out there whos not been hurt..
theres everyone out there who has hurt someone in there long long life time..
right?
im right i know it i've done it..
youve done it
they've done it.
hes done it
shes done it
that girl and boy has done it
they'll probably do it to each other..
****** themselves after..
they choose to say goodbye
everyone has done and does it.
no mistakes?
are you kidding me everyone is a mistake in this world of games.
i wish i had already died.
oh baby don't cry
your perfectly fine my dear.
child i know you've gotten broken and you broke him too but you'll be fine.
thats how life is.
its a game everyone loses
everyone dies.
right?
im right i know it.
ive seen it
******
violence
death..

Why am i still here?
on this planet?
in this world?
Why am i still spinning with all the others?
wHY CAN’t I ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING?
why cant i be good?
why can’t i be…
perfect,
beautiful,
unique,
funny,
awesome,
fantastic,
smART,­?
WHY AM I..
STUPID,
IMPERFECT,
UGLY,
FAT,
BORING,
ALONE,
SUICIDAL,
DEPRES­SED,
BIPOLAR,
ANXIOUS,?
WHY AM I…
DIFFERENT?
WHY HAVEN'T I DIED YET?
I WANT TOO.
ALOT.
LIKE REALLY BADLY.
I KNOW..
IM FUCKIMNG CRAZY,
A LITTLE ON THE ****** SIDE.
MAYBE A TAD BIT OF A WACK JOB.
CRAZY OR INSANE IS FINE BY ME.
I GUESS.
I HAVE SO MANY LABELS.
CALL ME WHATEVER YOU WANT.
THEY DO IT.
HE DOES IT.
SHE DOES IT.
I DO IT.
EVEN MY OWN ******* MOM DOES IT.
WHY NOT YOU.
BE SMART.
LABEL ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME..
BUT..
EVENTUALLY YOU'LL RUN AWAY TOO.
HE DID IT.
SHE DID IT.
THEY DID IT.
I DO IT.
MY MOM DOES IT.
MY LOVE DID IT.
EVERYONE DOES IT.
SO, WHY NOT YOU.
WELL, IT WILL BE A MATTER OF TIME..
BEFORE YOU GO RUNNING AWAY FROM ME.

she grew up saying.
One day mommy i’ll be famous.
one day mommy i’ll be a princess.
but,she didn't know what was coming for her ..the world
her soft brown eyes looking into that mirror for the first day of junior high..she thought oh how wonderful i look and how much she'll be liked.
her big bright heart didn't know it would be crushed in a matter of time.


she had a crush..she loved him with all her wonderful little girl heart.
she said she loved him
he said that he loved her too.
she believed him not knowing what was coming next.
his scrawny little fingers grip around her warm heart and crush it,
she looked him in the eye and said
“i thought you loved me”
he crushed her heart with one hand.
she didn't realize the world is a dangerous evil place.
so soon she became just like it
her heart wasn't so warm anymore instead cold as ice..
her soft brown eyes don't look so soft anymore there hard as a rock staring at you like she could snap your neck right off.
she said she loved him
he said it too
he believed her not knowing what was coming next
her scrawny knuckles grip around his neck
he looked her in the eye before she could break his neck and said “i thought you loved me”

YOU WERE MY EVERYTHING.
EVERYTHING I NEEDED.
EVERYTHING I WANTED.
EVERYTHING I EVER DREAMED OF.
BUT, I WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO FALL INTO YOUR LITTLE TRAP.
I TOLD YOU ALL MY SECRETS.
YOU PLAYED IT OFF LIKE YOU LOVED ME.
LIKE YOU CARED ABOUT ME.
YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER BREAK ME.
YOU SAID YOU'D ALWAYS BE THERE.
I DIDN'T BELIEVE YOU AT FIRST.
BUT, THEN YOU SOUNDED TRUTHFUL.
SO I TOOK A STEP FURTHER AND TRUSTED YOU.
YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME.
YOU KISSED ME LIKE YOU MEANT IT TOO,
YOUR LIPS TASTED OF SWEET SALT.
YOUR WARM ARMS AROUND ME FELT REAL.
SOME HOW.
I TOOK A STEP FARTHER NORTH AND GAVE YOU A PIECE OF MY LOVE.
YOU INSISTED THAT I COULD TRUST YOU.
YOU CALLED ME YOUR LOVE.
I FOOLED MYSELF INTO BELIEVING THAT YOU MEANT IT.
I TOOK A STEP FURTHER EAST AND LET YOU EXPLORE THE FRACTURED ME.
YOU SAID YOU LIKED WHAT YOU SAW.
YOU SAID YOU LOVED EVERY DAMAGED PART OF ME.
YOU CALLED ME PERFECT.
YOU CALLED ME BABY.
I BELIEVED THAT YOU LOVED ME NOW.
SO I WENT SOUTH.
I GOT THERE AND YOU EXPLORED ME FURTHER MORE.
YOU KISSED ME MORE DESPERATELY THIS TIME..
ASKING FOR MORE,
AND MORE.
YOU FOOLED ME TWICE I GAVE YOU MY ALL.
YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME AND MY BODY.
I WENT A LITTLE EAST MAYBE A TIPPY TOE OR TWO.
I LET YOU TAKE ME.
AND YOU PROVED I COULD TRUST YOU.
I DID.
YOU FOOLED ME A THOUSAND MORE TIMES.
UNTIL YOU WERE DONE WITH ME.
THROWING ME AWAY LIKE ALL THE OTHERS THEY SAY.
I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.
YOU PROMISED TO HELP ME.
YOU PROMISED TO FIX ME.
YOU PROMISED TO NEVER EVER LEAVE ME.
YOU PROMISED THAT YOU LOVED ME AND ALWAYS WOULD.
WHAT YOU DID WAS JUST MAKE MY GUARD HARDER TO PUT DOWN FOR THE NEXT GUY THAT COMES ALONG WANTING MY TRUST,
RESPECT AND LOVE.
I BELIEVE THAT YOU AREN'T A REAL MAN.
YOURE A COWARD.
YOU MESS WITH PEOPLES FEELINGS.
YOURE A TOOL.
YOURE JUST A DECORATION.
A VERY GOOD LOOKING DISPLAY.
YOU TAKE PEOPLES LOVE AND THROW IT AWAY.
YOURE NOT A REAL MAN.
YOU ARE A FAKE.
A PLAYER.
AND NOTHING MORE.
I WILL NEVER FALL FOR YOUR GAMES AGAIN.
TO THIS DAY I STILL LOVE YOU.
YOU ARE THE TYPICAL BOY WHO JUST CATCHES A GIRLS EYE WHEN YOU WALK BY.
BUT, YOU ARE FOR DISPLAY.
A DECORATION.
NO MORE.
YOU CAN LOVE A DECORATION.
OR A DISPLAY.
BUT,
DISPLAYS AND DECORATIONS CAN ONLY BE USED FOR ONE THING.
THEY CAN NOT LOVE.
THEY PRETEND.
THEY'RE FAKE.
I LOVE YOU YOU'RE MY DISPLAY THAT I WILL CONTINUE TO SHOW.
I WILL NEVER LET YOU GRAB HOLD OF MY HEART AGAIN.
I WILL NEVER LET YOU TAKE ALL MY LOVE AGAIN.
I WILL NEVER LET YOU THROW ME AWAY AGAIN.
I WILL NEVER FALL FOR YOUR TRICKS AGAIN.
I KNOW YOUR GAME,
YOUR RULES.
HOW YOU PLAY.
AND FOR THE OTHER GIRLS YOU COME UPON
I HOPE THEY BREAK YOU IN HALF TO WHERE YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO PLAY YOUR STUPID LITTLE GAMES.
I HOPE SHE TAKES YOUR HEART NOT ONLY BREAKS IT BUT CUTS IT IN HALF THEN STOMPS ON IT LIKE YOU DID TO MINE.
I HOPE YOU CRY ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOU LOST HER.
I HOPE YOU BREAK.
I HOPE YOU FALL AS FAR AS YOU CAN DROP.
AND WHEN YOU GET TO YOUR ROCK BOTTOM I HOPE YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO SWIM.
I HOPE YOU WILL DIE IN YOUR OWN GUILT AND SHAME.
I WISH THAT YOU WILL DROWN IN YOUR OWN MISERY.
I WANT YOU TO SEE HOW BADLY YOU'VE HURT ALL OF THE GIRLS YOU'VE DONE OR BEFORE,
INCLUDING ME.

i thought the sun was bright.
you well your brighter.
you fill up the room with your talent.
you fill my mind with curiosity.
your talent you have many..
but the one that stands out is the one that attracted me..
your attractiveness
it caught my eye
your eyes they glow
at me.
you are dangerous,
to me.
i trust you to not break me..
i dont know if thats good or bad but you've proved to be capable of loving me.
youre not easy to read like all the others.
your personality fire and ice.
cold but warm at the same time.
youre loving but can be intimidating at times.
my heart melts when you say you love me.
its hard to believe.
someone so perfect as you..
is capable of loving someone so fractured
broken…
and torn as me.
you said you'd show me how it could be.
how love is suppose to be.
i'm hesitating on handing over my heart once again.
trusting someone with my already shattered bits of what's left.
trusting that you'll cradle it,
love it with all you've got
but, how do i possibly know that you'll protect it…
and love it..
or will you break it.
theres so many downfalls that this could go towards or it could go pleasantly but love never ends that way.
it's always heartache towards the end..
when you've done all you can possibly do with that one person then you move on and repeat it if not faster and it turns into a vicious cycle never ending until your body gives up and shuts down.
cold as a stone they say hearts are clold they are fake warm on the outside luring you to there coldness.so they can break you and tear you apart..
feed on your insides until you're all drained out then they leave you with nothing left.
love.
its a pleasurable monster that you can't get enough of.
love the drug.
that you'll trick yourself to enjoy.
love its painful..
but pleasurable.
screws with your mind.
a drug.
it feds off you until you finally die.
love its not possibly a waste of time it just makes time faster and soon you'll be drained and it will leave you to die.
love i've experienced it,
first time it was amazing..
great perhaps.
now i'm almost drained no more ink left but a pinch..
for you my dear.
don't waste it..
soon ill die.
love it's just a dream.
a nightmare perhaps.

I GO TO SLEEP AT EASE WHEN I THINK OF YOU HOLDING ME.
I GO TO SLEEP KNOWING THAT YOU SLEEP UNDER THE SAME SKY AS ME..
I THINK OF YOU CONSTANTLY.
I NORMALLY DON'T FALL TOO EASY.
BUT, YOU YOU'RE SPECIAL SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
YOUVE CHANGED ME.
YOUVE CHANGED MY THOUGHTS.
THE WAY I THINK,
THE WAY I LOOK AT THINGS.
IS THAT GOOD?
OR IS THAT BAD?
I MIGHT BE FALLING A LITTLE TO HARD.
AND MAYBE YOU'LL STAY AT THE BOTTOM AND WAIT TO CATCH ME WHEN I COME TUMBLING DOWN.
OR YOU MIGHT JUST STEP OUT OF THE WAY AND WATCH ME FALL TO ANOTHER HEARTBREAK…
SHOULD I TRUST YOU?
MAYBE.
MAYBE NOT.
YOU SAY YES.
I DONT KNOW THOUGH.
WHAT DO I DO?
WAIT TO SEE?
OR DO I JUST LEAVE?
NO I CAN'T LEAVE YOU MEAN A LOT TO ME.
WELL,
WE’LL SEE IF YOU LOVE ME SOONER OR LATER.
WHEN I COME DROPPING FROM THE HIGH.
WE'LL BOTH SEE IF YOU'LL CATCH ME OR LET ME FALL
PLUMMET TO MY HEARTBREAK.
I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT YOU'LL CATCH ME.
THATS WHAT THEY ALL SAY
SEE LOVE IS A MYSTERY EVERY TIME SO WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THEY LOVE YOU DONT BE SURE INVESTIGATE FIRST.
I LOVE YOU.
BUT I DON'T KNOW IF YOU LOVE ME ENOUGH TO CATCH ME.

you’re perfect.
you’re beautiful.
you’re gorgeous making my eyes melt in your presence.
you’re amazing..
you’re gorgeous did i already mention that..
i just want you to know i love you.
can i have you?
can i have your beauty to hold?
can i have your innocence?
can i have your perfection?
can i have you?
let me in..i’ll make you see what love is..
show how it can be..
show you what it’s meant to be.
let me in..
so you can see
that i love you.
let me have you..please
can i have you?
will you take me as i am?
will you love me too?
please.
let me have you!

the shadows that darken my mind..
scare me they want to destroy me.
the shadows that dim my bedroom full of death..
they try and **** me.
im scared.
theres no one to save me.
no one who cares enough.
i wish someone would care enough..
to come and carry me away..
to save me.
i wish someone was there to call me beautiful.
because i’m not strong enough to believe that..
im not enough for this world.
im not enough for anybody..
in this world.
i wish i was enough..
i wish that someone thought i was enough..
i wish i had someone to say that they loved me.
to hold me.

just when i thought all my hope was gone.
you took me by my hand
and told me i was wrong.
just when i thought there was no bright light
then you took me to it.
i was amazed by the sight
just when i thought you were gone for good.
you came back to me
and lifted my hood.
to tell me how beautiful i was..
and how much you understood.
one day you lifted up my long black sleeves..
you looked back up at me..
stared me in the eye.
slowly you pressed your lips against the red lines that appeared on my soft pale skin.
i began to cry.
and you held me for the longest time.
soon you had to go..
you walked out the door..
and never came back.
i knew that you loved me..
even though you left..
me alone.
you knew that i was strong enough to handle it on my own.
sometimes i cry because i want you to come back and hold me through the night.

it all started with the first cut.
just one small cut was all i needed.
it made the emotional pain go away.
it made me feel human, a human with feelings.
the first cut
thats all it was.
it slowly grew into more,
the first cut,
its seeable to many but you.
the first cut
came from you.
thats all it was.
everyone was the first cut.
they all came and they never left.
the silk white lines across my skin.
the red lines left but the silkish white lines they will only come, never go.

as i take a step forward,
i can’t help but look back.
some memories are fading,
and some my mind lack.
my heart starts aching as i remember that life.
the pain is intense,
its like a knife that has stabbed me in the back.
the future is waiting.
but i can’t let go.
the past is fading fast
but my reaction is slow.
i cant let go..
i remember the way your fist felt while it connected with my face.
the way you slammed me up against the wall and began to beat my face..
it will stick with me until i take my last breath.
i will remember the way you laughed when you saw all the bruises you caused.
i refused to look in the mirror day after day then one day i looked at my reflection and i hated it.
because of you i lacked beauty.