Nothing bothers me more than the thought that someone's sense of independence completely diminishes when in a relationship.

The thought that someone doesn't know how to be single because they choose to be in a relationship.

The thought that being a hopeless romantic means you can't be alone.

It's just not true.

Being in a relationship means a lot of things.

It means being able to share your own ideas, hopes, fears, and feelings with the other person.
It means falling in love with their flaws.
It means encouraging them to become something great in life.
It means being there for one another when times get difficult.
It means being selfless.
It means caring for one another.
It means loving one another.

It doesn't mean losing each other's sense of independence.

You can be in a relationship and be independent.
You can be a hopeless romantic and enjoy spending time alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's easy to depend on someone and it's not always wrong to. But it's dangerous to fall into that path of dependence.

It's dangerous because life is unpredictable. Someone can always leave. They can leave you with nothing but broken pieces and when that happens you'll have to pick up those pieces they left behind, by yourself.

You must find the balance between independence and dependence.
You must learn when it is okay to depend on someone and when you must handle something alone.

Never be in a relationship with someone who questions your independence; who forces you to depend on the other person.

Never settle for less than what you deserve.

My boyfriend asks me why I always listen to sad songs and write sad poems.

How do I tell him that I listen to these songs to remind me of what once was?

Or that I write these sad poems because I can only write about what makes me feel the most.

Why do I even want to be reminded of my bad times?

Is it because the songs and poems make me feel things so deeply; something I crave more than most?

I am not a sad person.

But I was; for a very long time. So sad I didn't want to be alive.

But time has changed.
I've changed.
Grew.
I am happy.

But my old, sad self is still in me somewhere, waiting for any opportunity to pop out and ruin my happiness like it has so many times before.

I hope one day we run into each other at a coffee shop.
Not to have one of those cliché moments where we realize we never should have broken up.
Or even one of those cliché moments where we begin to fall in love with each other all over again.

Instead

To laugh about just how ridiculously in love we were with each other back then.
To talk about just how wrong we were for each other.
To talk about just how toxic you were for me, but at the same time realizing that you grew from it, into the man I knew you had the potential to be.

We would talk about just how better off we are now, not together.

Maybe even talk about how happy we are with other people in our lives.
without feeling jealousy.
without feeling sadness.

To be happy that the other person is happy.

To finally realize why the heart break had to happen, as many times as it did.


*I just know I'm not ready for that yet.

Just because I'm happy for you doesn't mean it doesn't feel weird. And maybe "weird" isn't the right word but as I sit here trying to figure out a better word to describe my feeling I come up blank.

I'm not hurt.
I'm not sad.
I'm....weird.

Because in reality I am truly happy for you.
I'm happy you're happy.
Finally.

I know you're a great guy and will make her happy. I hope she doesn't hurt you like I did. I hope she will never doubt that you're the right guy for her, like I so often did. I hope she will show you affection, affection I could never show as much as I tried to. I hope she will love you more than I ever did (which was a lot).

Because you deserve just that.

but ****.. does it feel weird.

Dear Ignorance,

You're everywhere; suffocating the minds of people I see and encounter every day.

Especially today in my calculus class. But this kind of ignorance hit me ******* a more personal level.

Three girls talking before class. The normal, boring stuff. I wasn't particularly listening but the next thing they said I wish never came out of their mouths.

"I could never be anorexic, I just love food too much."

Her friends giggle and agree quietly but they don't know how hard those words hit me. I know they didn't mean it to be insulting but that's exactly how I took it and for the next 60 minutes of class I replayed that sentence in my head about 100 times.

To think that people could be that ignorant about eating disorders. As if it is the people who hate food that decide it is a good idea to starve themselves.

I decided to write this letter because I want to change the way people view eating disorders. Because, if I could go back and talk to those girls I would. Not to yell at them but to educate them. To have them understand why saying something that ignorant can be hurtful to the people around them. But, I can't go back and that's why I am writing to you, whoever you may be. I don't know you or your view on eating disorders but I'd like to educate you a little from my personal experience.

I love food. I always have. Growing up I never had to worry about my weight because I had sports. But, as sports began to slowly stop as I grew up, so did the food I ate.

Now I could blame it on society's view on what beautiful is or the death of someone close in my family or even the boy who broke my heart in high school that made me decide to stop eating. Of course those were factors in my eating disorder but in reality it was my own decision. I started to gain weight fast and with that, my self confidence lowered. And as my self confidence lowered, well, so did my calorie intake.

When someone is dealing with an eating disorder that person is having DAILY arguments with their mind because they LOVE food. They WANT food. They CRAVE it.

So what stops them?

Their mind

You: "One more granola bar won't make me too fat right?"
Mind: "Are you kidding? One more granola bar and you'll pop out of your size two jeans. You don't want to go up ANOTHER size, do you?

Little does the mind know your body only consumed about 80 calories that day to begin with and you're lightheaded; so lightheaded you're afraid you'll pass out.


It was a long struggle but now, five years later, I can honestly say that I am beautiful. I can say that food does not define me. My weight does not define my beauty. I can love food and still be healthy. I can love food and still love my body. I'll admit it's hard at some points. Sometimes I feel weak. Sometimes I look in the mirror and am not entirely happy with what I see but I have friends and family who love me and remind me daily how strong I am and how loved I am.

So, to the three girls in my calc class. Don't think that being anorexic is simply "not enjoying food." It's much more than that; much different than that; much more complicated than that. Everyone experiences eating disorders differently. So next time before assuming things about topics you don't know a single thing about, stay quiet and educate yourselves.

Sincerely,
A girl who loves food more than anything.

"You don't have any respect for yourself, bouncing from guy to guy."

These words sting and stay with me every single day. To think that someone I once loved could say something like that to me. To think that someone I once loved actually thinks that of me. But more importantly, to think that the number of guys you've been with actually determines your self worth.

I could sit here and go on defending myself saying how m y number isn't even a high number but that's not the point. The point is that the number of guys you have dated or been with, however high that number may be, DOES NOT define your self worth.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for about a year and a half without knowing it. Throughout the relationship he had said and done some pretty awful things to me; things that if my dad knew about, he would probably go to his house the next day to beat the **** out of him. But this one stuck to me like glue. Why? because he had made me believe it. He tricked my mind into thinking I was some kind of worthless person who doesn't respect myself.

I ask myself why I believed it. Why would someone believe that they are a **** with no self respect? Why would anyone think that ever about themselves? I think I believed it simply because the person who said this was the boy I loved, the boy I confided in, the boy I at one point saw my future with, telling me I have no self worth. It hit me hard, so hard. Harder than any other terrible thing he has said to me.

No guy should ever make you feel worthless.
No guy should ever convince you that you are anything less than whole.
No guy should ever degrade you throughout your relationship.
No guy should ever make you feel scared to be around him when he is angry.
No guy should ever put his hands on you.
No guy should ever throw your mental disorder in your face.
No guy should ever feel as though it is okay to purposely hurt you because he feels hurt.
No guy should ever make you feel like you're on top of the world one day and under it the next.

He did all of this.

I can see this now. I can see this now and I have two people that I call my best friends to thank for helping me through this past year. They always supported my decision; knowing that I was a smart girl and simply wanted me to be careful with him. They helped make me realize that what I was involved in was NOT okay. They knew it way before I did but until I had my "click", realizing that this is not healthy or worthwhile, I was going to stay in that relationship.

Thank god for my click.