it was like you were the drug and i was the addict
every second without you i was itching for more
for your hands on my skin, lips on my lips
our secret getaways behind an always closed door
you said i was yours, and that you really cared
your lips washed away every doubt i ever had
feeling your hand on my bare skin
made my mind hazy, but it was never bad
heated hours and whispers in my ear
sneaking kisses during class, i was your secret
holding hands when no one was watching
i really loved you, but i was your pet

i try so hard to be normal. to be like all the other girls. to follow your rules and guidelines. i follow every step you take, never going out of line. i fit in your puzzle when i do what you want. and THAT is all ive ever wanted. to belong somewhere, even if i have to fight for it. even if i have to do things i don't want to for you to notice me. for you to care for me like i care for you. i am dying here beside you, while you hold her. i am crying beneath you while i pave your path so you don't fall. but i am done with being a door mat. i am through with you. but its all a bit too late because you've been done with me this whole time. who was i kidding? you didn't want me. but i need you. i need you to want me. to love me. to hold me. to touch me. to smile that smile that makes me crazy. i love who we could be, but we will never know what that is.

it was never what they did to me that hurt the most
the way they used my heart, my soul, my body
no, it was that when they got their fill they left
and what hurt the most was i knew they were going to

                                                             ­                                         and i let them

i guess a part of me hoped one of them would stay
a part of me hoped i was loveable, and not a toy
but that's all i ever was, and all ill ever be
they were never going to care, only use and steal

                                                          ­                                  continuously break me

there is never going to be a real guy
who will want to settle down with me and love me
because i want to be used and broken and torn
its who ive become because they made me this way

                                                            ­                  *loneliness always engulfing

I wish I could say I love you
I'm sorry cause I don't
I'm broken cause I want to
I'm crying cause I won't

I've been hurt so badly
Been told one too many lies
My heart trampled by some losers
Who wore such a phony disguise

He knows I want to care for him
He knows my hearts been worn
I love just him oh so dearly
But still my pending emotions; torn

i believe that life is a blessing and a curse
because i have felt so much joy and so much pain
i think life has a way of making us fear death
because there is always so much loss and so little gain
but from what ive had and what was taken
and what i know and what i assume
there is always going to be a brighter tomorrow
so much brighter than all this gloom
and i say that with my head held high
not fearing death nor wanting it to come
but living life like its meant to be lived
for our God, our Savior, the son.

I know I always say you fell for me
But I know it was me that fell
And it was you who held my hand
But you only helped me back up
To let me fall again and again

the truth about love is



          it leaves right when you are comfortable


the other truth is



          love is not forever no matter what they say


the truth about death is



          it doesn't even hurt that long


the final truth about it is



          *i hope mine is today

I swear I did not try to do this
I didn’t mean to rekindle this flame
As the low burning is humming
I softly whisper your name
The bigger the fire grows
more emotion I seem to feel
and the louder the begging becomes
at your feet I kneel.

IT STARTED AS A SIMPLE SPARK
NOTHING TO GREAT OR TO BRIGHT
AND GREW INTO A ROARING FIRE
THAT ILLUMINATED THE WHOLE NIGHT
I DIDN'T KNOW A FIRE COULD CAUSE SO MUCH JOY
OR THAT I WOULD EVER FEEL THIS WAY
SO I LONG ONLY FOR THE EVENING DARK
TO TRULY WITNESS THE BRIGHTNESS OF THE DAY

im really not good with honesty
because the truth hurts so much
so i lie and lie to those around me
to protect them from who i am
but no more lies or games

i truthfully still love him
and i ruined it because i was scared
i didnt want to hurt anymore
but i hurt so bad i want to die
Joshua i love you and im sorry

IS LONELINESS SIMILAR TO LOVELINESS?

i thought that destroying myself
was the way to save you from who i am inside
but it turns out, harming me
destroyed you more than i ever managed to hurt myself

maybe if i had hid it from you better
you never would have seen the scars and cried
youd have never heard me puking
i destroyed myself, but you are a part of me

this past summer he took it from me
i didn't even realize it was something i wanted to lose
it was nothing like what i read in books
because i know those characters did not bruise
he was so sweet before i agreed to it
i genuinely thought the he cared for me
but i guess he just played me like i tried to play him
he promised it would help set me free
so i lost it, i gave into his sweet words
his purring and alluring speeches
in school they make you swear to say no
what to do when you say yes, is something no one teaches
so he took it because i let him
and i did not even begin to cry
it's not like he stole it from me
but thinking he would return it, that's a lie

Here I am contemplating life and death because
I often write poems that are sad
They come from my anger, my hatred, my pain...
But often enough, good things come from the bad

I write of my miserable existence
And of how I long to be held in your embrace
Of what lies ahead and what was left behind
I write about how many things are usually replaced

My poetry is brewed, so to speak I suppose
In this head of mine, where i think and ponder
Where I lust and desire and want and wish
And where to thoughts of you I tend to wander

So here I am, still writing of the sorrow
Hoping somehow these words will change your mind
I am writing a poem that isn't sad, to simply prove
I may not be normal, but I'm the normalest you'll find

I can't help but think, maybe, if I was better.. you would stay. If i was prettier then maybe you would want me. Or maybe, just maybe, if I was smarter, or funnier, or talked less, laughed more like I actually cared. Maybe, if I wasn't me... you would finally love me.

I found this in my journal today from a few weeks back.
And reading nearly gave me a heart attack.
How could I so easily forget we're done?
When you, my love, were my only one.

Boys & girls please, don't let someone rule your life.. in your life you'll be forced to change.. by people, circumstance.. environment.. but please, if you're going to let a person change you... remember.. if they fell in love with you and then change you... they won't love you anymore.

I've learned my lesson.

ex

     im sure weve all got one

     *ex boyfriend, ex girlfriend

     ex husband, ex wife

ex

     so much pain in just one word

     so much loss and so many tears

     im sure youve wished to end your life



ex

     there are stories and laughs

     that you remember from them

     but theres no going back

ex

     you can use ex for all you once had and lost

     ex happiness, ex joy, ex future

     without them, theres always something youll lack

blowing bubbles on a summer day
laying on the blanket, as scratchy as a lamb
wishing for a lover, a hoper, a dreamer to stay
instead of these sorry *** losers who dont give a ****

Who am I trying to fool?
We all know I still love you.
Why can't I just admit I ******* up?
I guess for me that'd be new.
How long will I feel this pain?
I miss who we were together.
What did I do this for?
I swear, I thought we had forever.
When will this sorrow reside?
I think it will continue to haunt me.
Is there anything I can do to fix it?
I doubt it, cause now you're free.
Did you know I loved you?
I guess maybe you couldn't really tell.
Don't you remember what we had?
I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to yell.

i simply fear death
i do not fear the pain
simply, but also so completely
because ive always wanted death
ive dreamt my end many times
in fact too many to admit
i long for the pain
the throbbing and ache
the hollowness in my soul
i long to be missed
to be cried over

i simply fear death
i do not fear the loss
completely, but how is that simple?
i fear that final breathe
i fear it will be heavy
the air may suffocate
or it may bring revival
i fear death
i fear a death alone
what i fear most
is their acceptance
not caring i am gone

i simply fear death
because no one will notice
my heart would stop
but the world will turn
no one will hurt
or notice my absence
death frightens me
only because i see
my death, my end
i will be utterly alone
like i always have been

is it bad that i read my own poetry and cry?
and feel sorry for the person going through the pain?
is it silly that i feel more when i read these then when i breathe?
that my emotion is only in these poems you read?

for so long i thought i needed someone to feel
that cutting was a way to actually have a reason to cry
but these poems, the more i read the more i weep
for this lost girl with so much heart break.

who is she? who am i? why am i so sad?
this is all answered in my poems,
bad break ups, parents, life... they take a toll on you
but why am i, the way i am?

he told me those were my best feature
that no matter what, he always was lost in them
"theyre like a beautiful murky pond"
           he said that to me once and i punched his arm.

i didn't think a friendship would really ever end
but i never thought he would love me
"let me show what its like to be treated right"
         he said that and i was speechless and in shock.

we were best friends for a little over a year
at one point hed seen my heart broken 4 times
"why don't you ever date a decent guy"
       he said that while i cried into his shoulder for hours.

this guy, my best friend, he meant the world to me
one moment we were planning our future
"our kids will be best friends"
     he said that, and i really believed him.

then i started dating another bad guy
and he was so mad at me, again...
"i cant believe youre doing this, him or me?"
    he said that, and it was then that i walked away.

my eyes, theyre not that special, i see that now
but they are the gateway to the soul and mine is black, like my eyes
"so this is really it? were over?"
     he said this, and i nodded, never turning around.

it really wasnt until i was hurt
that i realized i could feel
it wasnt till we both walked away
that i saw what we had was real.

i am so sorry i was who i am
i tried so hard to change for you
i wanted you to love me
but now i think were officially through.

i see you smile at me from across the room
our eyes play a friendly game of hide and seek
i go over the pros and cons of a polite introduction
because your grin has made me weak
it seems that in this the good out weighs the bad
so i goofily saunter over and you wink
i am utterly baffled at your face up close
and it was suddenly hard for me to think
it seems so casual to talk to you like im not terrified
and i even laugh a little when you ask me to dance
im still waiting for you to up and leave
because i simply refuse to believe in romance.

I remember my first kiss
the sloppiness turns my cheeks red
and if I had to relive that moment
I swear I'd rather be dead
my first kiss was in middle school
when I thought that I was in love
but rather lust took hold
but I didn't know about a "glove"
back in my younger days
my romance was in a book
i believed in Prince Charming
and also Captain Hook.
it was in the back seat of the bus
as he gently held my hand
i leaned over to his mouth
and it was so stinking bland
no sparks, no fire
just a lot of spit
gosh i really wish there was
a guide-line kissing kit

Unexplainable sadness
And tears that have no cause
I wish life had a fast forward
And wasn't stuck in pause.

Life at its worst
And sorrow at the max
There is nothing left to do
Yet i cannot relax

Why is it that I cry
When i should be full of joy
And why is that i can't trust?
But i long to trust this boy.

I can tell that things have changed
no longer flirting and "i love you's"
now i feel like we're acquaintances
And all the silly promises, will never come true.

I'm not sure what changed
It feels like we miles apart
I gave you everything i had
I even gave my fragile heart

Please tell me what happened
Cause it's a mystery to me
We were so good together,
Maybe you just needed to be free.

Baby what happened to us
Where is the love we shared
Why such bitterness?
I thought you really cared.

Please, I'm begging
Love me again and stay
I promise you I'll behave
You can have it your way.

i have mastered the art of lying
and bull ******* to get my way
but nothing even matters now
i cant keep my demons at bay
they whisper to me in the night
when darkness covers the sky
they refuse to leave me alone
i cant tell the truth from a lie
i long to be free one day
i pray that they will leave me
and i hope to have a normal life
i want my demons to set me free

When we first began talking
I never thought we'd make it this far
Never thought it would last

I never dreamed we would be this happy
I've never really loved
Only liked and used and hoped

But now that we're together
And we haven't crashed and burned
I think I want to be with you

A part of me just hates you
For who you are and what you've done
But then again it's not your fault
Cause you aren't the only one

In the end I've realized
I'm just a little insane
But is that such a bad thing
When you are screaming my name?

So love me please
Or hate me more
Stay forever my dear,
Otherwise--- there's the door.

Every night I look up to the stars and pray
That they'll forgive me for the tears I cried that day.
And ask for the pain to be taken away.
If he saw me I wonder what he'd say...

He says he really does love me
That I am the only one he wants to see.
But in our relationship there is no honesty.
But in the end...who will I be?

Deep inside me
There is this anger
This hatred
This..  bitterness.

And I feel it towards everyone.
Not just those who hurt me
The ones who betrayed me.

No this bitterness...
Is for all.
Trust no one
Love no one
Believe in nothing

But then...
I saw a change

A change in myself...

I was dying inside
Because deep down
This hatred was of

The person I am.

No one can help me.


No one can save me now

Because I hate who I've become


And I fear I always will

The sound of rain on my roof
It truly makes me cry
It reminds me of how you held me
whispered in my ear "goodbye"
Rainfall is a constant reminder
Of how much I am in love with you
So please let the sun be your reminder
When it shines, know that I'll always remain true.
And every night as the sun sets
And the moon begins to rise
Let that be your reminder
I promised no more lies.
And if by chance a day goes by
And you haven't that promise I made
Look to the stars at night
I promised to behave.
Look to the trees
I promise to love you
Listen to the birds as they cry
And for my love, the sky blue.
Everything you see
And all that you do
Let it remind you constantly
How much I truly love you.

I won't deny it
If you ask me
Cause we both know it's there
It's plain to see

My feelings altered
A little bit
I think I loved you more
After I ended it...

If I asked,
Would you take me back?
If I asked you to really love me,
Could you manage that?

I don't know how to say this
And now I don't know what to do
I cannot believe I gave you up
Cause I honestly do love you.

So love me please
I'm begging you
This love will grow
I swear it's true

You may not see it,
"You and me"
But I promise
Our love will set you free.

*So let's learn what we can
And do what we must
And instead of "you and me"
We should call it "us"

I made you a promise that I intend to keep
I promised to love you..
I promised to never let go..

I swore we would never really say goodbye
I promised no more lies..
I promised never to hurt you..

I know that I can hold onto this
I promised to care..
I promised I wouldn't leave..

I told you I can't live without you
I promised to comfort you..
I promised to hold you..

I want you by my side forever
I promised to be goofy..
I promised to be only myself..

I wish you were here right now
I promised to never change..
I promised you forever and always..

**and I promise no less than that.

I see how they look at me
With eyes that hunger for skin
I see how the eat me up in their stares
Their endless thirst makes me grin.

                                                        ­   I feel them degrade me in each glance
                                                          ­                ******* me like a play toy
                                                             Eating me with their wandering eyes
                                                            ­    This is why I don’t settle for a boy.

To be wanted is my worth
Their sole desire
To hold me and love me
Would ignite their little fire

                                                         ­      I cannot be looked at in such a way
                                                             ­     I feel ***** from their careless eyes
                                                            ­   The way they imagine me bent over
                                                            ­                          A part of my soul dies

I love the way it feels
When he puts his hand on my thigh
How it feels to have his lips on my neck
And know he's not a nice guy

                                                          ­          I hate when they glance my way
                                                             ­     and saunter over like were friends
                                                         ­                  and how he tries to touch me
                                                              ­           and begs this night not to end

I love it when those bad boys get handsy
and beg for a touch or two
and plead for a peek
and say I'm the kind of girl they'd *******

                                                        ­                     *to be desired in such a way
                                                             ­                            makes me sick inside
                                                          ­                    I just want to be a good girl
                                                            ­               and be someone's cute bride