They say that the wings of a butterfly can create a hurricane
and as I lay there, staring up at the ceiling
whilst emotions are throwing themselves
all around my chest,
I say that a thought can create a hell lot more of a mess

Men will never feel how much heartache your sisters can bring to you. They will never know how much hope and despair that can fit into your softly chosen words, the ones you balanced on knife edges to find. They will never have to turn themselves inside out in order to do so, they will never even have to find them. And they will never grasp how fully your life can stop as she refuses to look you in the eyes.

Men will never have to learn the sinking feeling of emptiness as you realize you couldn't help after all. Not this time either. And they will never experience how much this will break your heart.

No, men will never understand the true meaning of the ultimate words "I've just talked to him and he's really sorry. We're gonna try again".

He'll come back
He always does
Finding his way back into your bones that carried him for so long
Returning to your blood, leaving it burning and cold at the same time
And even your hips will remember his hands, as they reach up towards them
Whilst your stomach will feel the exact same revolting butterflies as it used to

You'll find him everywhere
You'll see him in your words, the ones he taught you to say
In your chest, when it's getting harder to breath
You'll even taste him in your mouth from when you breathed him
From when you let him get into every inch of you
And now he'll always come back
Not for you, but he'll always come back

I'm just so addicted to the feeling of feeling. Of wishing for something more because this can't be it. I want fireworks, smiles that stops the heart, the softest touch of your hand against my waist, explosions and gasps saying all that our mouths can't say when we're breathing in each other. I want a love that you can really feel, that you can touch. I want eyes talking, staring hungrily at me like they just can't have enough. Kisses adoring every inch of my body and you grabbing my hips because you just need me closer to you. I want that. Even if it's just in my head, I want it. So I stay dreaming all my awaken time, knocking me over to feel something more than this nothingness, turning me inside out to find a new angle where I might meet you. Through movies, books, even my own texts. Because I need to feel it to soften this longing. I need to feel like there's something more waiting for me than just these ordinary emotions, this neutral life.

When the world has gone quiet, it's harder to drown out the cries from the chest, to not listen to the desperate longing for more

And when the world is so grey, it's not easy to keep painting your life with colors, not when you're starting to run out of yellow, orange, red and all that beauty that used to make you shine

And when the only person you see is your reflection, it's difficult to not judge what you see, to not glower bitterly at yourself saying 'is this all there is now? Am I just stuck here with you?'

And when the only one you're talking to is yourself, it's just impossible to not notice that the one talking badly about you, the one hurting you, is the only one you got right now and I need to turn this around because oh my god, I wanna thrive with colors and sing whilst I place beautiful flowers in my head and mind, smiling at my own company.

Do my words even manage to make sense of what my heart is saying? I'm just too drunk and emotional to fully understand the meaning of my aching, all I know is that I want more.

People talk about near-death experiences
and I feel like me almost staying with you was one.

Like me settling, saying 'fine, this is fine'
whilst my heart cried for more,
that was definitely one.

And it feels like I've just made it out alive,
my heart bleeding, my mind a mess
and my arms so tired from carrying you
but still, I made it.