I told myself not to feel
You came out of nowhere, i laughed at the irony of our collision into an awkward yet somehow
fitting setting
You drew me in on every word
every line oozing with sweet sticky promises
Promises that you almost give up on
No one knows
What I want
How I feel
How I view the world
What holds me back
But you…
You ******* got me
Unguarded
Unafraid
To say how I truly feel
Except; when it comes to us
I can still feel your hands on my face
Inky eyes locked with mine
Intertwined, bound, and tied to each other motionless
We could have stayed there
Forever
Yet, we didn’t
Weekends turned every other
Which then became maybes
My body no longer stamped by the passion you left behind
My heart no longer topped off by the hopes of seeing you
No more countdowns
Now I count how long it takes for the next one to break me down
Tearing through my heart like a giant Christmas present that no one ends up needing
Placed in the corner with the others to be regifted
Leaving behind filaments of gift wrap and fancy ribbon, used to hide the well intentioned gift
No one wants the gift of a heart these days
They want houses, cars, well oiled and machine-like bodies that crawl to them, and classy like a
sorority sister at a keg party (who went to Amherst)
The heart is overdone
The passion that at one time exhumed from our bodies was now beginning to fade into a pitch
black abyss
All that is left is a few memories of Saturdays well-spent
Conversations that went on for hours
And a heart that once again,
Has been drained and bled dry to stop the very beating that you caused
All that’s left is an empty shell
One that i’ll pick up, dust off, wash out and pour myself into again…
This one ******* hurts

My chenille duvet covers me
Consumes me
It has swallowed me up again and let me escape
To a world where the bills don’t exist
My homework is finished
The dishes don’t need to be done
The cats are fed and fast asleep
My son obeys to go to school and listen to his teachers

My chenille duvet hides my reality
The reality that
The bills still aren’t paid
The dishes are still there
The homework keeps piling up
The cats are at the foot of my bed, begging to be fed...again
My son has yet again skipped school and tried to come home, not knowing that i am under my duvet

My chenille duvet allows me to feel no pain
It allows me to forget
Even if for a little while
Under my chenille duvet, the world is silent
My feet are warm
My mind stops racing
My heart stops beating as if ravaged through my chest
I can breathe

Every day gets a little bit harder to leave my duvet
My old ragged gray soft duvet
I long for you during the day

On the days when i am in class and don’t have my homework to hand in, because i am so tired
On the days i get a call from my sons school asking where he is, when i know i dropped him off
On the days i get home, and the dishes are still there
On the days i get home from a 12 hour day, and realize i forgot to buy cat food again
On the days i come home and cringe going up the stairs as i pray they didn’t turn my electric off again.

My gray soft fuzzy duvet, I miss you
Why can’t you console me all the time?
I don’t want you to leave me
I need you to stay and make it all go away

You could never truly know pain
Until you break someone's heart
Tear through their callous flesh
Rip them apart
Soak their mind in web woven promises
Forever is a long time anyway
Caress them with their last good bye
On knees, awaiting for the answer
The one you can't bear to utter
Through tear stained cheeks
I say to you
I'm sorry, i loved you
But now we are through.

They creep in silence these tangled thoughts of mine.

Quiet contemplating thoughts and no restriction of time

The what if's and why haven't I's?

They  chew you up like a new found obsession

Then spit you out leave you second guessing

Cleanse your mind of all assurance

Build you up then **** your endurance

kind of glad I learned my lesson.

Never let your mind control the weapon

Self doubt

Stuck in that awkward state of mind

Not sure what way to turn

Keep it going

Or let it burn

Like a glowing ember on a log

Walk your mind through that dense fog. ..

If I let this go, what will become of me?

Five long years and still I hurt

Afraid to trust

Not knowing where this new relationship will go.

Should I drop this wall?

No matter how hard it is to see you try and assure me I won't be hurt...

I don't believe you...

Only time will tell me for sure

Perhaps this is something I need to endure.


Please don't hurt me.

I may not make it through another heartbreak...

To give my all, my whole heart, to have it ripped out and tossed away like yesterday... I just won't make it through again..

I walk up the stairs so slow and afraid

This is not the place I used to know

Not the way I remember

I expect to see your smiling face
waiting for me to take your hand
and bring you to that place

You tried to tell me that your work here was done
I smiled at you and told you how silly you were to think the cancer won

You were so strong
so nonchalant
I hope you know you'll always have a special place in my heart

When I got that call that day, I swear my heart stopped
your daughter loves you more than life itself
I only wish I could've helped
Taken her pain away
All I can do is be there for her
Life is short, we say this all the time
make sure you love yours before you run out of time.
R.I.P. Victor Ponte

Ashamed ....

Afraid...

Betrayed ...
That's how I felt..

A love so pure that turned so volatile, a Molotov cocktail...stirred but not shaken.
Waiting to explode in your precious hands.

How does it feel now?
You can only cage an owl for a moment.
They were born to soar alone.

You caused so much pain deep inside
Those scars were nothing worse than the mental clarity you took from me.

You took me away from me
Chasing through the streets trying to find me again...

You won't ever catch her
She won't let you
Not this time...
No
Not this time

Isolated
Alone
Abandoned
Alcoholic

That's what you are...
How do you feel now?

The reign of
My heart

The wrath of my soul; bared clear and cold

The strength of your disinterest.

Your unwillingness to mature for sake of sanity

The lies
The exasperating conclusion
That you are not for me.

You lied.
I hate that ****.

I'm over it.