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AD Sifford Dec 2017
I wouldn’t ask You to forgive
if I thought that I was worth it
Shut You out, turn around,
I do my own and I feel worthless
But I’m holding to the promise
that I know I don’t deserve
You sent your Son to pay the price for me,
and knowing this has changed my world

Yet it’s not a one-side deal;
Christ washed the blood that I have spilled
but You require that I follow
and obey, to know your Grace
You came to make me not condemned,
so You said, “Go and sin no more.”
If I can’t turn and follow You,
then what was it all for?

Why can’t I give you just a speck
of the wages that I owe
I could never pay You back
I’m a sinner, and You know
You didn’t come to heal the healthy
You didn’t die to pay the wealthy
You came to heal a sinner’s heart,
to wash all sin out from the start

One thing You ask in return,
one tiny little payment:
that I would repent from the life that wasn’t life
and cast it to the grave, spent
That I would rise anew and worship You
That through You I’d be remade
So why is it that I refuse
to give back some of what You paid?

When does apology lose its taste?
Like this I’ll never see your Face
Lord see this darkness in my heart
Cast it out with shame
Fill me with your holy light
Take my lust away
and renew me,
restore me today
|Written Saturday, March 24, 2012|

© 2017 A.D. Sifford
I'm okay with you sharing my poems, but I ask that you show courtesy. Please be honest about the authorship by attributing it to my name. Thank you,
- Sifford
AD Sifford Dec 2017
Take it
where I cannot go
Take it
where I cannot follow
Bury it
in the ground,
far below
where it can't be found

Burn it, Lord
all to ash
Pick me up
like shattered glass
Find the pieces
here in me
Take me, now
and crucify me

Because I can't do this
on my own
You know that
You've seen that
You see this
You see me now
in the ground,
dying,
not breathing,
lying far beneath,
and grasping
just for air to breathe

Well this dirt on me
has made me see
exactly what I need

So take it, Lord,
all away
Wake me up
to a brand new day
I'm holding up
a yoke of shame
Replace it, God
Don't leave me the same

This load's too much
for me to bear
You see the Truth
in every tear
But I can't turn,
so please come here
And take me to a place
where I can look You in the face
And feel the comfort of your Grace
Because

I long to crucify this sin
I hope that You will take me in
I want to take it
to the grave,
throw it down,
and be remade
(I've tried, I've tried, I've tried)
But I can't do it,
not alone

So I ask You now,
please,
once and for all,
to intercede
for me
I’m asking You, Lord,
please,
just *take it
|Written March 24, 2012|

**Story**
Still religious and still struggling with addiction at the time this poem was written, it was a prayer of desperation.

_______

© 2017 A.D. Sifford
I'm okay with you sharing my poems, but I ask that you show courtesy. Please be honest about the authorship by attributing it to my name. Thank you,
- Sifford
AD Sifford Nov 2016
You beat me and bruised me
You left me broken
You drained the blood from me,
Cut my heart open
You hung me up
And watched me die
You spit in my face
You laugh while I cry

I want to still love you
But there's nothing to love
You burned most of my heart
Now there's just not enough
But amidst my pain
I start to remember
That I've done my own part
To kindle embers

Still, the fact remains:

You beat me and bruised me
You left me broken
You drained the blood from me,
Cut my heart open
You hung me up
And watched me die
You spit in my face
You laugh while I cry

You did what I did
To my Lord, my King
Despite all of it
Our God still loves me
So I will not hate you
When there's nothing to love
I'll follow the way
Of my good Savior above

For amidst my resentment
I can hear Jesus
Heart pounding, I hear Him
Saying to us:

"
You beat me and bruised me
You left me broken
You drained the blood from me
Cut my heart open
You hung me up
And watched me die
You spit in my face
You laugh while I cry*

But still I will always
Love you, O child
Of the glorious Father above
Yes I will still love you
When there's nothing to love
So when others hurt you
Show them how to know love"

God said to me today:

"When they beat you and bruise you
And leave you broken
When they drain the blood from you
Just keep your heart open
And teach them how to love

Children, don't hate each other
Just love one another
Always, don't hate each other
Just love one another

Even when there's nothing to love"
|Written by early 2012|
(possibly written Oct. 3, 2011)

**Story**
Like many of my 2011 & 2012 poems, this was written amidst pain from a devastating heartbreak. I'd started developing some resentment and anger in the pain at this point, and began this poem by simply describing how I felt emotionally, through the imagery of physical torture.
I was very religious, and partway through this poem I began "hearing the voice of God" (as I used to be trained to often interpret many spiritual thoughts and emotions) and the direction of the poem changed, as I remembered the Christian conviction to have love and forgiveness for others because I myself am not perfect and yet had been allegedly forgiven even by my perfect savior. The imagery quickly shifted in my mind as I realized how well the chorus I had written applied to the image of Jesus being crucified. My emotion had changed from anger in the beginning, to joy at the end. I truly think these values of humility and forgiveness are some of the best effects of Christianity. That is a lesson I hope to learn more of in the future. It has helped me much in the past to be a better person.
To clarify, Christians believe that everything each individual does wrong, every sin, contributes in someway to why Jesus allegedly had to sacrifice himself. Additionally, shame of my personal struggles was still a pretty heavy weight on me at this time.

**Trivia**
If I recall correctly, this is one of the only poems I've ever written pretty much straight through, in one go. Eventually a few subtle changes were made, but this poem has essentially always been completed in about the same form from the minute I finished, and I finished it without stopping from the moment I started. It's practically pure free-flowing thought as I had it that night, captured in text.

___

© 2017 A.D. Sifford
I'm okay with you sharing my poems, but I ask that you show courtesy. Please be honest about the authorship by attributing it to my name. Thank you,
- Sifford
AD Sifford Dec 2015
Normally when I write, I dump my mind upside down with the lid off and let my thoughts spill out onto the page. But when I write poetry, I pour my thoughts into an inkwell, then, with a fine-tipped pen, I dip into the inkwell and obtain a small amount of my ink on the end. I then use careful calligraphy to write out my thoughts in the proper way. It takes more time, and each time I stop writing to dip the pen back into the inkwell, God has room to speak some of his own words into my thoughts, so the writing improves throughout, until by the end it's no longer my own thoughts being used for the ink. I simply write God's words with my own hand, in his language: poetry.
|Written January 1, 2012|

I wanted to keep my posts in chronological order as best as I could! My last few posts have been out of order, and I would have corrected the order if possible upon finding more poems in-between or coming across more correct dates, but, alas, I cannot fix them, because Hello Poetry offers neither a way to re-order poems, nor even to delete them once posted. Despite all I like about Hello Poetry, those are definitely complaints of mine. I find it very surprising and unfortunate that we can't delete a post! It really is like using ink :s

© 2017 A.D. Sifford.
I'm okay with you sharing my poems, but I ask that you show courtesy. Please be honest about the authorship by attributing it to my name. Thank you,
- Sifford
AD Sifford Dec 2015
Do you remember
when we first laughed together?
I liked your smile
Something inside me changed
when I saw your face
And all I remember thinking
was just, “Please don’t turn away.”

When we first met
I thought that I’d met perfection
You made me feel
something so much more real
than anything that I’ve ever felt
for any other girl that I have ever seen
I knew right then that I could never try to dream up
One with more beauty
And I remember wishing
You and I would be together
When my heart beat, I swear I could hear
Could hear the thunder

Do you remember?
We were laughing together
I loved your smile;
it would take me away to a better place
We locked eyes; I was barely breathing
I thought, “I'll never turn away."

Because you make me feel
something so much more real
Than anything that I’ve ever felt
For any other girl that I have ever seen.
I knew right then that I could never dream up
One with more beauty
And I remember wishing
You and I would be together
When my heart beat, I swear I could hear
Could hear the thunder

I still remember
When we could laugh together
I miss your smile
Those days feel so far away, so misplaced
They’re gone and I’m left here thinking:
“Just why’d you turn away?”

Well those days are gone away
Those days are gone away
It doesn’t matter what I say,
now, all those days are far away
And they are never coming back,
I couldn’t keep you from turning away

Now I’m just keeping pace
While memories fade away
Surviving day by day
Since the day you turned away
Tears fall for so long
And tears have dried away
But as the days go on
I’m just keeping pace
No longer asking why
I can’t forget your face
With few more tears to cry
I’m just keeping pace

With eyes filled
Heart peeled
Through the blur I can hardly see
Still I’m gazing at the memories
Each one multiplies the pain
But I just can’t turn away

I’ll always remember
At times I dream we’re together
I’ll never forget your smile
Because when I close my eyes to sleep,
I still see your face
I’m just left here thinking
About the day you turned away
|Written early 2012|

**Story**
I fell in love with a girl in the summer of 2011, and went through a heartbreak that devastated me and has affected me to this day. I don't want to share details, and you likely don't want to hear them.
During my final year of high school, I lost a friend I cared a lot about. I began writing an emotional song on my guitar about her, adding lyrics a bit at a time after I had the basic melody, starting with, "Do you remember...when we first laughed together?"
However, as I continued, ultimately the girl I was more deeply heartbroken over and the even more painful memories came heavily upon my mind, and I ended up writing the song about her. This is the original version of the lyric to that song.

**Trivia**
While I very much like the melody, and wish you could hear it, I have never been completely satisfied with all of the lyrics to this song, or even the title, and I consider it very much incomplete...kind of an indefinite WIP on standby.
I've switched titles a few times. Alternate titles I've considered include "The Thunder" and "Remember". I will eventually post a new incarnation of this lyric once I am satisfied and feel that it has arrived where I really want to take it.

© 2017 A.D. Sifford.
I'm okay with you sharing my poems, but I ask that you show courtesy. Please be honest about the authorship by attributing it to my name. Thank you,
- Sifford
AD Sifford Dec 2015
Hello beauties, my name is Austin D. Sifford.
If I may, please spare a moment;
I've prepared some needed words.
I'll get straight down to business,
and make short this introduction.
So if your ears are not too full
let them taste this sweet concoction:

So, I take care of my hair
Keep it cool, keep from frizzin'
I hit the gym five days of seven
Just the basics, not body-buildin'
I like my clothes, rock the shades,
but I've got a major question:
Who cares* what I look like,
Why's it matter what I'm wearin',
What good is outer style
If I'm a beast behind the skin?

Too many people, is the answer, I guess
I mean it's cool, right, everyone sins
But not to me, you see, I see it different
I strive my life to conquer sin
Why?
'Cause, listen: one Man didn't
He lived every second to please our Father
So don't you try to tell me we're Self-Pleasure's sons & daughters

Why you checkin' on externals
When the heart inside's infernal?
Now, God knows I love my beanie
But if I had myself a genie
I wouldn't be wishing for a cap
Or some Levis or the Lugz
I'd be wishing for a hand to hold,
Just some love, a friendly hug
For one to show me that they care
For a heart that's not afraid to dare
To be a better man within

I'd rather shine behind the skin

We don't need cash, and I don't want bling
No-- what we need, people, is a reason to sing
We need a Savior, man,
We need a bigger plan
I hope you'll understand this,
Guys, we've gotta take his hand

The world will never be happy
With shirts at three-hundred fifty
That ring may give you style
But what gives hope to your child?
Does your house? Does your car?
Do his toys? Or does his father?

Look I'm not trying to bother,
I ain't just here to preach
But you're flashing those ******, tanning at the beach
Ladies, where is your beauty?
On your skin? They just leech,
you know? Those guys all over,
they don't care about you,
just wanna know what you will do

It's time you wake up, and shake up
All this fake-up with your make-up
The jewel is in your heart,
and, girl, it's been there from the start

Look what Hollywood's paying, guys,
Now I'm not playing, right?

Now people are killing,
they're serial
While your just obsessing
with material

Hey media, whatchyoo saying'?
Sell your lies to the world
But I'M NOT PAYING

People, ask what matters here,
While you look in the mirror
Who's the preacher?
Go in deeper
You buy what they sell
You wear what they tell

But is it really worth it all
Is there Botox in Hell?

We've gotta ask ourselves
Really ask yourself
Where will I be taking
All these trends and this wealth?

What I'm saying: this is bogus
All this fashion hocus pocus
What you need is to refocus
And don't let society choke us

Now you've got an empty feeling
And your culture keeps on stealing
Your sinking deeper and deeper
While your cost just gets steeper

But wealth's not found inside your wallet
And it's about time someone called it
Happiness is only found when the masks all hit the ground
Don't live up to what they say,
You won't reach that anyway
The heart is what needs fixing
Not your hair, drop the bags
Tell the truth, show some love--
now that, my friends, that's swag

Let's get rich, people, let's get beautiful
Let's get real, and let's get valuable

Now listen to this, you People Mag
Seventeen, yo, this is rad:
Happiness is found one place
One thing will put a smile on that face,
All sorrow gone, without a trace
It's the love and the Truth
That will set you free
True class created you
Real value lives in me
| Written on, or sooner than, February 6, 2012 |

**Story**
I've never been popular. I'm also very short, so have often been made fun of as the small one. The weak one. And I've certainly never been popular with girls.
In high school, I began weightlifting, took a fitness & strength class, and did parkour. I started getting pretty muscular, and could impress guys in the weightroom who were way bigger than me, because of how much I could lift in comparison to my size and body-weight. I like to show off with backflips, handsprings, etc. A few girls were finally attracted to me. A female friend of mine said she liked how "buff" I was and that she was impressed. It felt good to finally have something, to finally not be the loser, I guess. To finally, maybe, be valuable in the eyes of some of my peers.
I found myself looking at my growing physique too much, and worrying about my hair too much...putting too much effort into making myself externally attractive.
I was a devout Christian at this time, and my constant attempt to grow spiritually and have a "relationship" with God really started to remind me that the outside isn't what matters, and isn't where my focus of improvement or of beauty should be. What I put the spotlight on for others to should, instead, be the things with real, lasting value.
While that stuff was in my mind during this time, the moment that actually sparked the poem was while talking with a friend (over text) whom I cared about like a sister. She was very insecure, and was reading Seventeen Magazine during our conversation, soaking up more destructive lies. My protective nature angered me for her sake and got me thinking about how the popular media has damaged us with its influence in all these ways, so I sat down and wrote this poem on the spot, after explaining to her why I wish she wouldn't read those. I then sent it to her. Her name's Markay.

**Trivia**
The intro was not written with the rest of the poem. I added it over a year later, on March 10, 2013.
I originally had this titled "True Value". My last line says "real value". Why did I then call the poem "true value"? Beats me.

© 2017 A.D. Sifford.
I'm okay with you sharing my poems, but I ask that you show courtesy. Please be honest about the authorship by attributing it to my name. Thank you,
- Sifford
AD Sifford Apr 2015
The land beyond...
What lies out there?
What lingers, what dwells
Behind that veiling, icy air

My heart, curiously, draws near
As my feet stay their place
This cold window keeps me,
And, recreating my face
Like my own eerie shell
Looking coldly back at me,
The glass shows me myself,
And a world, wide and free

The land beyond...
What lies out there?
What journey awaits
Beyond that veiling, icy air

My life, there, is written,
In that novel land beyond
In that hazy world, uncharted,
Where my worries are all but gone
But it’s here that I remain
In the small, boxed-in cage
And it’s up to the Writer
When to turn the next page

Until then, the story waits
And I may not know destiny
I’ve never glimpsed fate
But the heart knows no lie,
Not of this, at any rate:
Its desire within,
The chapped thirst of the soul
lt just knows that it’s looking
For a new place to go

That land beyond...
What lies out there?
Well I may never know
But, well, I don’t really care

Because what if the longing, what if the dream,
What if the thirst,
Is not to know what it means?
Maybe the adventure,
The journey, the task,
Is not to know why, but simply to ask

A world lies ahead,
All the looking, the mystery,
And these few pages we’ve read
Herald something more interesting

We have not seen it all,
Explored what lies there beyond,
All we’ve to do now is begin
Cherish this page, and read on

And the pages beyond...
What’s written there?
The truth is, quite frankly,
I don’t know and don’t care
I’ll let the Writer turn the pages,
Let His words take me there
And I’ll just smile and read,
Breathing in the veiling, icy air
|Written December 5, 2011|

**Story**
My final year of high school, I did not have a class during the 5th class period. So, I spent my time in the library. Since I was in the deepest depression of my life that year due to heartbreak the previous summer, I was very contemplative. I listened to music, and thought. A lot.  I wrote a lot of poetry that year, and much of it turned out to be some of my very best. Our library had big windows across the entire wall. One day, I was looking out of that window, thinking about life, and my potential future. I was very curious and drawn to the beauty of an icy fog, visible out of the distant bluffs surrounding the town. It made the land beyond seem like a mystical, mysterious place, similar to my own future.

**Trivia**
The Land Beyond (alternate title: Unread) is one of my favorite poems of mine to date.

© 2017 A.D. Sifford.
I'm okay with you sharing my poems, but I ask that you show courtesy. Please be honest about the authorship by attributing it to my name. Thank you,
- Sifford
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