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Abdallah Sadiq Oct 2016
will my endeavor be fruitless ?
did I neglect slumber,
live in solitary for days,  
numb my sorrow with alcohol
trap myself within the same walls I get lonely in
being only distracted by the scribbling of this pen on a paper
just to leave thou with discontentment ?
a poets worst nightmare;
(an underappreciated piece)

I am writing a poem for one who has words in the palm of her hands
like God has the earth
I am writing to one whom words bow down to her feet
like prophets to God while on his throne he seats.
Is my piece profound enough to make thy beautiful brown eyes water
or make your skin prickle with goosebumps ?
will my words speak to you in ways no one ever has that my piece becomes your drug when you want to flee from all that chastises you ?
I can only hope the first stanza grasps your attention
and you get lost in poetic bliss
and the last leaves you breathless
to the point you crave my kiss
to restore air to your dying lungs.
But that's probably just wishful thinking
your least liked piece is probably more breathtaking than my most cherished  
you leave your readers satiated by your words and rhythm that they now worship you.
they yearn to ease their angst by reading what you vent.
how intimidating it is to write a poem to a poet
great anxiety as they fixate their eyes on the paper
you hope, you just hope they don't roll their eyes in disdain at the last full stop.
Bar
Abdallah Sadiq Apr 2016
Bar
I watched as she sat alone
Blonde haired girl surrounded by empty wooden seats.
beneath her were shots of martini—
Her thumb and index finger constantly went towards and away her red lips.

She was Amid *** hungry men—
If only she knew.
If only she knew she was in a haunted house, and it had found something to feast upon.
Too intoxicated to discern the eyes fixed on her like an owl
Or an eagle studying its next prey.
I could see the hunger in their eyes as they await her to gulp more of the Devils water
Until her eyelids can no longer stay open,
Just to fornicate with her helpless body.
Sturdy white men,
Sleeveless shirts to show off their serpent tattoo,
Forelock long enough that it tickled their spine—
Their gaze alone will make your heart race.
I'll be ****** to leave her alone in this bar.
Abdallah Sadiq Apr 2016
My days were gloomy, nights were cold
Constant yearning for a woman to hold
And the happiness that I always lack
Because all I loved didn't love me back.
The peace I seek for never came
The demon in me—I couldn't tame
But I hoped to be free from the Devils leash
As I listened to the bishop preach.
But it hath built a house inside of me
All these years, it never let me be
It grew as I grew
I walked— it flew.
It visits me in my dreams
Unaffected by the sounding hymns
To overwhelm me with terror
And it's disguise is the man in the mirror.
Abdallah Sadiq Apr 2016
I saw a goddess amongst humans
At first glance
She gave me a feeling my poetic mind couldn't put in words.
I wondered why she walked this earth—
I wondered why a precious being was amidst human beings.
She stood out from every soul that walked past her—
Her eccentricity only made her more alluring.
Thousands of mysteries were hidden behind her innocent face—
I hoped to unfold them.
Her seductive brown eyes made me inquisitive—
Inquisitive about what went on in that beautiful mind.
I yearn to see what was hidden beneath her clothes
I yearn to explore her unblemished body if she let me,
And kiss those full lips till it became numb.
She was Oh-so distant yet she attracted me
She was Oh-so gentle yet easily recognizable in a crowded room
Why ?
I guess because her skin glowed like the moon in the vastness of space—
The depths of her eyes told a story that will never bore—
Or maybe she was just a goddess amongst humans.
Abdallah Sadiq May 2016
I still walk

In the dark, accompanied by my shadow—
Mind is a pawn to something persistent and evil
He lingers in my head from dusk till dawn
Impossible to explain the portrait it had drawn.
So I gaze at the moon in hopes that I find peace
I count the twinkling stars to distract me from the joy I do miss
But sadness still overwhelms me—
Mistakes scarred me like my birthmark.
And still I remain Ignorant to whether the hexes they muttered still pursue me.

I am not living.
The only difference between me and the bodies in the grave is—

I still walk.
Abdallah Sadiq Jul 2016
I watched the fireworks in the sky

On a day were spirits were high

Happy everyone seemed to be

But sadness was all that befell me
Abdallah Sadiq Jan 2020
Kak mnogo slyoz ja ukral u tebja?

I dragged my flesh and perched on the terrace of gloom
Who welcomed me with sunken talons into my chest
and snatched my soul with great fury-
Upon me fell a torrent of tears from those whose tears I’d stolen,
Whose hearts I’d cleft in twain.
Who ruffled their sheets in discomfort beneath the waning moon

shower me in ***** and bury me in excrements
Throw me into the mouth of the roaring fire and feed to me my flaying skin
satiate my thirst with pus oozing from my flesh.
Perish me! Let the lord of the heavens spit upon my soul
And the caricatures in the depths of hell trample over me.
Let the devil embrace me and his legion of demons fornicate with my accursed soul-
For I had not been....Alas, I had never been whole .
Abdallah Sadiq Dec 2016
Who would've thought a disturbed poets worst fear will be death?
All his poems will make your ***** brim with sadness
Each stanza hints suicide
Every line is a cry for help
And you think the only escape from his misery is to cease breathing
But little do you know he fears to take that last breath.
He fears the unknown
The blankness and darkness that is assumed when we think about that last breath
He fears that the God he disbelieved in will punish him for eternity by hurling him into the depths of the blazing fire
He fears that the misery he'll face in the after life will be incomparable to that he faced on earths soil.

He also fears to leave the world still feeling alone and unloved
He fears to leave with that heart of his still aching and broken
And without kissing the lips of the woman he hoped to Amend it.

Suffice to say I'm afraid of death.
Abdallah Sadiq Apr 2016
The Rays of the sun kissed my eyelids
Exposing my bloodshot eyes
I felt a sudden grasp
By what I slept to escape.
It hugged me tighter than my own mother ever did.
It greeted me with a pain so sharp.

Almost as if it gazed at me in my slumber
And patiently waited till I opened my eyes in the slightest
to inflict me with burden.
Legs weighed a 100 pounds—
I was better off laying helplessly on
my bed
Body felt like I had been ambushed by a legion of demons
in my nightmares,
Overwhelming sadness rested on my heart.
I could feel it happening all over again—
Just like a recovering drunk
as the alcohol slowly dwindled away from his system
And has to deal with the ugly reality
He tried to flee from—
My sleep was my alcohol.
My reality looked me in the eye at dawn
I stared at my ceiling, too weary to fully open my mouth.


And then I muttered, as a tear streamed down my right cheek—
Why did I wake ?
Why did I wake in a world so cruel ?
Why can't i just sleep forever ?
Abdallah Sadiq Dec 2016
I thought my sleep was my solitude
My only escape from a dungeon ye may call earth
But this bed my body lies on becomes the flaming palm of Lucifer's Hand at night, he does whatsoever he wills.
I am a helpless prey to the night
As the sky turns gloomy so does this soul of mine.
Nights have become a scream for help
An open door for melancholy and loneliness to find its way into my abode.
Abdallah Sadiq Oct 2016
Forgive me for I have sinned
Eyes that thou hath bestowed me with I have used to lust over women
I have used my mouth to intoxicate myself to be numb to my sorrow,
My tongue to curse my own mother.
I have used my hands to satisfy my lust by touching a female
My fingers to twirl her uncovered hair, though I'm not her husband
Forgive me for I seek refuge between a woman's thighs and not verses from thy holy book
Forgive me for when the agony becomes overwhelming I flee to the evils of this world
And not the man that hath brought me to it.
I titled this "our conscience have become vague" because most of sin without even thinking we have sinned. sit down and reminisce on your sins. confess
Abdallah Sadiq May 2016
I'm living with my reflection
I craved to live in the reflection.
A reflection existing in another dimension;
A REFLECTION OF MY LIFE WITHOUT REGRETS.
Every step I took, he took them more buoyantly
Every night l slept, he slept more peacefully
Every word I spoke, he spoke them more blissfully.
His skies were bluer than mine—
His sun shone brighter than mine—
The stars in his world twinkled effortlessly.
Never did he seek refuge in dusk
Nor use his pillow as headphones whenever it poured down rain.
My suicidal thoughts were his love for the world
My sorrow was his laughter
My pain— his euphoria.
Every move I made, every  breath I take
I reflect on the reflection I could've been without my mistake.
To summarize this, this poem is just about imagining how different your life would've been if you didn't make some certain mistakes.
Abdallah Sadiq May 2016
I envy every drop of rain that dribbles down her skin
As I yearn for just a touch,
And the lipstick she puts on each day–
It's closer to her lips than mine had ever been.

Auroras appeared in the sky when she was conceived—  
I worship the day she was brought out of the womb.
I supplicated to the heavens for bestowing the earth with an angel;
The only moment I fell on my knees to pray—
Her beauty led me astray
Because I stared more than I was told to in the holy book
I could not resist taking a second look .
Astaghfirullah(God forgive me) I muttered as I looked her way
Guilt was overwhelming, but eclipsed by her beauty.
Still I gaze at her luscious full lips that made me drool like a new born
And skin that looked as if it had never seen a day in the blistering sun.
The concrete shed tears of joy as she stomped on them
Withered flowers blossomed into radiant roses as she walked past them.
Her voice was the definition of euphoria.
Wrote this prom for a beaut :)
Abdallah Sadiq Jun 2016
With my weary feet, still I trudge
chastised soul still wanders
broken heart still thumping
Because of a tomorrow yet to be lived.
A brighter day where all my agony becomes nothing but memories
Where the sunshine doesn't keep me locked in
And dusk, the only time I roam the streets.
Ironically I yearn for a brighter day, yet the darkness seems to be my only abode.

Melancholy knocks on my door, tells me he wants to visit
He slithers in whether I turn my door **** or not.
Loneliness—the visitor that never leaves
On my grey couch he sits
I could've befriended thee, but he never talks back.
Then at nightfall, I await the terror that'll befall me in my slumber
Supplications I mumble just before I shut my eyes do me no good.
Dark shadows that lurk in my room kept me company
Wish I could say I enjoy their presence
But, fear was a distraction from the overwhelming loneliness I've had to endure.
So many days I've lived, but my tomorrow hasn't been lived.
Abdallah Sadiq Mar 2018
Suddenly, I had to catch my breath, I arose from my pillow trembling and stunned from a nightmare. My heart thumping incessantly against my chest. Sweat drops were streaming from my face. I gazed at the fan whirring above me and then to the flayed walls that surrounded me. I turned to the light that begged to come in from a drawn shade, half-drunk alcoholic bottles, and an uncapped night time sleep aid on my counter. It was oh so familiar: the perpetual nightmares, the same ceiling fan whirring sluggishly above me, the alcohol I used to drown my sorrows in and the pills. I was weary of the depressing ambience. I couldn’t wake up to this another night. Under my breath, while using a finger to wipe the crust from the corner of my eye I muttered "how will I ever get out of this labyrinth?"

              I sauntered outside my room to the living room, grabbed a diet coke from the fridge, swiped a Malborne cigarrete and a lighter from the counter, and stepped out the door. I perched on the stairway leading to the mahogany door and lit a cigarette. As I drew the nicotine in, I started to ponder on the quickest and most painless way to take my life. after much contemplation and weighing of options, I came to a decision. I hurled the cigerette on the ground, stepped on it till I was certain I put it out, twisted the door ****, and slammed the door behind me. I unbuckled my belt as I walked into my room, climbed atop my bed, fastened the belt around my neck and hung it to that same sluggish fan. Who knew it will be the death of me? I took my last deep breath, then took a step forward without hesitation. There was a sudden grasp around my neck, and a shriek came bursting out from the tightness of my throat. I found myself six inches above the ground begging for air, waving my arms in an awkward motion as though that will somehow save me. My soul was slipping away from its body. I could feel it. I could feel a separation, and even though I had always been skeptic about whether we have souls or not, this last few minutes cleared every doubt. It was departing, that unfathomable thing within us that we sometimes describe as light or as the Hindus call it "I" was departing from its home. Everywhere slowly turned dark, even though my eyes were bulging outside its sockets. And Just before I embarked on a journey atop the coach of death, a muffled scream brought air back to my lungs and sent electric shocks through my body.

            Suddenly, there was another urge to catch my breath. I arose from an unfamiliar bed with no fan whirring above me. The walls were cream white, no half-drunk alcoholic bottles laying on their sides. But there were pills in a transparent bottle. Myriads of them stacked neatly in a cabinet. It took me a while to realize I was laying on a hospital bed. It also took me a while to discern a hand clutching firmly to mine. I turned my head slowly to my sisters cried out eyes fixed on me.
lately I've had this urge to write more short stories.
Abdallah Sadiq Jul 2016
You are a product of your thoughts—


Too bad, I can't control mine.
#mind #thoughts
Abdallah Sadiq Sep 2016
The pain will soon turn me to a monster
  
    As it devoured me, I shall devour you.
Don't mind me. On some goth sh*t.
Abdallah Sadiq Aug 2016
What's a poet without sadness,
Madness ?
#poet #sad #madness
Abdallah Sadiq Apr 2016
The falling rain couldn't ease the thunder storm in my mind
Beautiful voices from the spinning vinyl did me no justice
The night only gave my demons shelter—
But still, at dawn I yearned for the night
Because I found an ounce of solace in the absence of light.
hope was deeply buried in the white powder-diamond in the rough
Ironic that it prevented me from taking my life while killing me slowly
Still, a day without it felt like 72 hours of misery;
Hell on earth was an understatement—
I could see the smiling faces of my fiends as they proceeded to prey on my helpless self
No one watched as they devoured me
Except the four walls of my room.
Abdallah Sadiq Apr 2016
I envied the blade she pressed against her skin

       It was closer to her body

Than I had ever been.
Abdallah Sadiq Mar 2017
After contemplation and trembling from fretting
I mustered the courage to seek relief in pain.
I carved the first four letters of "troubled" on my tender skin
And watched the blood gush out while my arm quivered in agony.
Euphoria was conceived from the sight of blood drooling down from each badly written letter
And I had a strong yearning to ******* own blood.
:)
Abdallah Sadiq Mar 2017
What if I were to take my life?
To silence the cry of a heart that has been cleft asunder
And put to an end my nights of aimless wander
In search of solace I never attain.
If I were to take my life, it’ll be beneath the stormy rain
On the gloomiest evening.
The stars will be shrouded by dark clouds
And the ground quaking from the rumbling of thunder
As the relentless gust of wind whooshing by dangles the sturdy, tall trees
And fluttering its withered leaves.
An evening were every soul pusillanimously sought refuge under their roof
Frequently peeping through their curtain with a bulging eyeball
Because they feared to venture the cold, vacant street.
If I were to take my life, have I succumbed to deceit?
To the whisper of Lucifer that incessantly tells me “this is my solace”.
Indeed, I want to rest
But how restful will be my death?

What if I were to take my life?
And I’m laid in my coffin like an etherized patient by unfamiliar hands
My mother’s tears falling upon my lifeless body
And in the ***** of my brethren will be an overwhelming urge to cry but fury will not let them.
What awaits me after?
An abyss for taking a life I cannot create?
Peace? Because God is willing to empathize for I have been tormented enough in the earth he has kept me in.

My loneliness is all that I have ever known
And amidst all I called friends I felt alone
Amidst all my anguish my eyes never brought forth a tear
But I hoped to cry, because my brain couldn't bear.
What if I were to take my life?

— The End —