do i love London
so much due to
nobody knowing
what has happened
to me here

where i can
act like i had
the perfect upbringing
where i can
pretend to not
know pain and suffering

or maybe

i love London
so much
because you have
shown me a new
way to look
at life and our trajedies

to not be ashamed
of them
to feel everything
as it comes

to relinquish control

since i was 7 years old
i have created
so many parts of
myself to survive
to keep myself safe

i am like a chameleon
thrown into new
places and i will
change my spots
to figure everyone out

but maybe now

i am discovering
who Erin really is
before the darkness
crept upon her
and tried swallowing her whole

to be quite frank
i am proud of her
i like her
she is soft
she is resilient
she is me

i have lost
count of the
knives in my throat

choking on
every word
as i try
to explain
how i feel

i swear

i was better
at this before

i think i dissociate
most of my life
ever since i was 7
if i cannot feel anything
how can it hurt me

but

what if i want to
feel everything again
how do i get that back
i am

lost

the nightmares keep
me up at night
almost every night
in March

i get to relive
the trauma
over and over
that month

i awake feeling
my chest tight
stomach turning
counterclockwise

my mind focused
on that first night
why it all happened
what did i do wrong

i was just a child
i remind myself
as i *****

i hope one day
i like March again
like i did
when i was 6 years old

my mother thinks
i will not forgive her
for everything
that has happened

she is my mother
she did not know
how could she of?

the voice in my head
screams at her

how could of
let me into that house?
how could you of
knowing what you knew before?

i was just a child
i lost everything that day

as much as i want
to forgive her

i do not know if i ever will

i always wondered
if i was capable
of loving and caring
for someone more
than my 7 year old self

it was not until
you entered this realm
Isla Kay

that you have shown me emotion
you have taught me
that i can cry
that i can scream
that i can laugh

if i am being honest Isla Kay

i never really thought i would heal
my 7 year old self
i have always thought i would just get by

but
watching life through your eyes
has made life worth living again

i thank you
for your 3 years on this earth
for showing me more love
than i have ever felt for myself


  -thank you for showing me how to live, how to be accepting, how to be apologetic, how to feel joy, how to feel again. I love you.

they say love
is the outpouring
of everything
good within you

they say love
is the respect
of self value
always soft and kind

they say love
can bring out
the wisdom
of emotional maturity

they say love
is the recognition
of another soul
so valuable so true

why does love scare me so much?

sometimes when i am doing good
the thoughts come back
the nightmares come back
the memories come flooding back

i have been petrified
of hearing your voice
of looking you in the eyes
of smelling those marlboro golds

i have escaped all over the world
so you could never find me
so you could never locate me
so you could never hurt me again

but

if that day ever comes
if the moment i have been dreading comes
if i ever have to face you again
in that cold dark room

i would ask you
one simple word

     w h y

i have been hiding away
i have escaped to London
i have ran away again

where no one knows my name
where no one knows who i am
where no one knows what has happened to me

for the first time in my life i feel content
for the first time in my life i feel safe
for the first time in my life i am not afraid to feel

a city that has filled my cracks with love
a city that has filled my belly with laughter
a city that has filled my body with compassion

thank you for saving me London

at 26 years of age
i am just now
discovering who i am

i spent 19 years of my life
hidden in the darkest
parts of my own mind

numb to everything
numb to everyone

at 26 years of life
i can sit at the table
not wanting to starve myself
for weeks on end

at 26 years of life
i finally like who is looking
back at me in the mirror

i can finally s m i l e

nine months ago
you broke my heart
shattered it into pieces

the can't eat
the can't sleep
the can't think

the gut wrenching
stomach churning
kind of broken heart

i had promised myself
after a week
of the nausea
that i would never
feel this way again

i would laugh again
i would be confident again
i would get my eating disorder in control again
i would learn who i am again
without you mixed into my personality

but most importantly
i would enjoy my life again

thank you
for breaking my heart
nine months ago

i finally like who i am because of this

i will never
forget looking out
that second story window

hearing the
pool filter
in the background
mixed with heavy breathing

the cheetah print
sheets that cut
my skin open

the smell of marlboro golds
and sweat
with a hint of hopeful regret
filled that entire bedroom
that summer day

but most of all

it was that feeling
that i would rather risk
breaking both legs
jumping from the window

than deal with this pain

ever

            a g a i n

i will never forget that day
walking away from one another
on the corner of the street

struggling to catch my breath
struggling to even breathe
struggling to catch my words

i begged you
for months
and months
days upon days

to get your **** together
to give up drinking
to give up all the women
to give up all the rumors
to give up this small city
to give up this lifestyle

but
you could not
you chose not

you hurt me so bad
i started to write again
because it was the only thing
you left me with

after you ripped my heart
straight out of my chest
i swore that day
that i would
never
ever
care about someone
the way i did for you

i promised myself
i would never
trust a man
the way i did for you

but then he came
into my life
so unexpected
so gracefully
so delicately

now here i am
almost a year later
trying to fight that
promise i made to myself

a g a i n

i am sitting here
on my living room floor
crying
begging
praying
to have a chance
with you again

I am not so sure
I ever believed in a God
up until now

please
give me a chance
I beg you
please

how the ****
am i suppose to describe
the hands around my neck
and the anger in bones

how the ****
am i suppose to communicate
and express all the words
i’ve dreamed of saying

but can’t

because there’s a rock
of stone stuck
in between my esophagus
a rock of stone
that has seeped into my heart
and turned it solid

unable to yell
unable to scream
unable to cry
unable to breathe

i was 7 years old
when my world
came crashing down

what was once
a life filled
with color
with light
with happiness
with love

turned
dark
cold
sharp
dull

i have been fighting
the last 19 years
to fight back
to get her back
to feel again

i was just a child
when everything
was taken from me
without my consent

i will make her proud
i will be okay again
i will love again
i will be gentle again

i was just a
                     c h i l d

i thought I could
sink myself
in fake emotion
that it would
drown everything out

i thought maybe
enough fake words
to the world
would make me
forget all the numbness
life has offered me

i never realized
til now
at 25

i am drowning

within silence
within myself
within the pain of my past

i am d r o w n i n g

my whole life
i have never
spent more
than 3 months
within one place
or staying
with one person

always running from
emotions
always running from
comfort

then you
oh you

you came into
my life
like a freight train
loud and conducted

you came into
my heart
like an atomic bomb
loud and destructive

not the bad kind though
not the bad kind of destructive
not the bad kind of second guessing

the kind where
you call me out
for questioning
the rhythm of people’s voices

the kind where
You make me laugh
the hardest when all I feel
like is crying

the kind where
in a room filled with people
you are the only single soul
i look for

maybe i
am slow
with words

maybe i
cannot comprehend
what people say

i say what i feel
for the first time
in over 19 years

but that does not
matter to you

because no matter
what
i cannot
do anything
right

i am too
emotionally
hurt

       for y o u

we fight
day after day
night after night

poison spilling
from our fingertips
poison spilling
from our mouths

when will
i finally be
enough for you

will it ever happen
in this lifetime

or are we
just fantasizing
about something
that will never
happen

life has finally
gotten the better of me
life has finally
caught up with all my bad decisions
life has finally
consumed all of the light

i am confused

i am trying to
piece things together
without any memory

every feeling
I can’t figure out
why I feel this way

it is relearning
life again
hurt again
love again


i am relearning everything





i want
more than anything
to be me again

what I would give
to go back
and restart

every second
of my life

to restart
every feeling
every emotion

i need it all
to stop

please



just stop

i feel pain
i feel hurt
i feel ******* betrayed

i feel like i wanna run away
i feel like i wanna shut off
i feel like i wanna forget everyone

i feel hollow
i feel numb

but

i feel fine

imagine
what you once thought was
people you could call family
people you felt safe around

turn their backs
shut you out
hush you
ban you
people who throw
you in the dark
and shut the door

throw me to the wolves baby
I’ll come back leading the pack

how the ****
am I suppose to
have self esteem
when
my fathers best friend
took every ounce of it

how the ****
am I suppose to
trust someone
when
my own parents
sent me into that house

how the ****
am I suppose to
not be fuucked up
from this?

I feel empty
I feel sad
I am sorry

i wonder what heavens like
is my grandma there?
is both my grandpas there?
is cassy, lilly, and stella there?
are my friends there?

is it quiet at night there?
is it peaceful like the morning sun
rising over the ocean so calmy?
is there thunderstorms that put you to sleep?
is there no pain there?
do you laugh so hard your stomach aches there?

why does it sound nicer
to be there
than
it does to be here
within all of this ******* chaos
within all of this ******* pain
why am i here and not there?

i have never hated
addiction more than
i do right in this very moment

i am confused
i am crying
underneath that all
i can hear you
in the back of my mind
telling me not to cry
and making me laugh

i am angry
i am hurt
why did you have to leave
why did you have to go

please
please
come back

i use to think
i slit my wrists
in hopes
i would forget
the emotional pain
and just focus on
the physical

i use to think
if i starved my body
for days on end
resulting in seizures
from my diabetes
the pain of hunger
would no longer
rumble within my bones

all those years
thinking i did it
as a distraction
but really

it was a way
to no longer be numb
to no longer be hollow
to remind myself that
i am allowed to f e e l

the day we are born
we put love in a box
a shiny bright perfect box
one that is untouched
by pain and deception

as time goes on
the box becomes
thrown on the ground
set on fire
dropped deep into
the depths of despair
locked away for years
hidden in the dark

for no one to find or touch
this box goes through hell
burnt, cracks all across the sides
it has been kicked, it has been smashed

but eventually we
find that one soul
the key to open
what the others try to find
it opens after a few tries
of turning the key
left then right
then left one more time

we put love in a box
to be found
to be earned
to be given
to be loved
we put love in a box

in group therapy
they asked me
when was the last time
i can remember loving my body

i thought about it
for a few moments
was it when
i was in bed with a
random man at the bar
or the time
i won over a man i thought i needed
or what about that one time
i finally fit into a size 3 jeans

no no no
it was not any of those

the last time i can remember
loving my body
was the summer i turned 7
it was a hot summer day
my sister and mother
took me on the ferris wheel
and i was petrified

i did not care to be scared
or show that i was scared
i did not care to live freely
but we all know that does not last forever
life takes over
and
bad things happen
and men take advantage of our bodies
thinking they can own anything
even a little girls body

i think through all of this
over and over
before speaking the words
i cannot remember
the last time i loved my body

i never really
believed in love
if we are being honest here
i only believed in two souls
connecting on this earth
to a certain point

but never true love
heart warming love
soft tender love

not until
you

you sat there with me
the first few months
of meeting
you sat on the side
of the road at 3 am
and hugged me

you told me
that no matter what
happened in this life
everything will be okay

call me stupid
but i realized the next morning
that is all i have ever wanted to hear
since i was 7 years old

that everything
was going to be okay

who would have thought
those 6 words would be
the key to open my      
                                         h e a r t

i want to scream
of aggravation
of this life
of always coming
so ******* close
to the thing
i want so badly

to never getting it
to having it thrown in my face
to trying so hard
to nothing ever in my favor

i want to scream
i am tired
i am weak
i have lost my voice


i want to scream

i dont know what to do.
i love him.
he has taught me so much about love.
about what i need in a partner.
about how i want to be treated.
he has taught me that i can trust.
he has taught me i can be soft.
he has held me in times where i was broken.
he has pieced me back together.
fragment by fragment.
he has supported me emotionally.
he has always made sure to communicate with me.

why am i feeling different now?
why does he keep saying he will try harder?
when he has not seen me in 3 weeks?
when we spent everyday together prior?
when he decides to be lazy?

i dont know what to do
i am crying
i am exhausted
i dont know what to do

we grow up
watching movies
of the princess
marrying the
brave sweet prince
and
they live
happily every after

but

what if that
is not all
what if the princess
wants more
what if the princess
does not feel the same
way years later

they teach us
when we find
the one we love
to marry them
and live happily ever after

but

what they
do not teach
is
when
is it time to
walk away
and
leave this
chapter

                  behind

as a child
my parents
kept me

well mannered
well traveled
they have given me
an abundance
of materialistic
objects

but

that is all
anything
ever was
an object

maybe
that is why
i cannot
connect to people

because we are

all just objects

sitting here
in the rain
trying to
keep myself
calm

thinking of
all the lies
you fed me
from the palm
of your hand

thinking of
the broken promises
you had no problem
washing away

thinking of
all of the pain
you have sent me
away with

thinking of
how you can not
even bring yourself
to say

i'm sorry

to be
completely
gut wrenching
honest

i do not
know
where to
even start
this piece

i am lost
i do not
know
which way
is up
which way
is down

i feel hurt

i am
aching
from the
pain of my past

the cracks
within me
are starting
to crumble
once more

i am lost
i am breaking
i will rebuild

i have always
trusted you
i have always
listened to you

i never
second guessed you
i never
told anyone
how hurt i was
when you told me

i kept a happy face on
now i am built up with
all of this pain

this *******
added pain

all i do is hurt
i bleed pain
i ache pain

i cant do this anymore

i loved you
from the bottom
of my hollow
heart

i loved you
from the bottom
of my ice cold
heart

i loved you
from the bottom
of my ravished with trauma
heart

i loved you
with every
fiber of my beating
heart

but
i do not love you anymore

how could i?

how am i suppose
to explain
what the ****
i am feeling

how am i suppose
to explain
the anger that runs
through my ******* veins

that i was just a child
a helpless child
in a hallow room
filled with too much pain

to even        s p e a k

round and round
we all go

spinning
like lifeless teacups
at an abandoned amusement park

i am trying
to fake a smile
like everyone else

but
I want to scream
I want to run
I want to hide

why is everyone the same
why is no one laughing
why is this place so cold


why do I feel like i am dying

i am
sick and tired
of being left
of not being enough
of ******* hurting
so badly i bleed
out of my hands and throat

i am
sick and tired
of false hope
of telling myself
everything will be okay

i think i'll turn
to the dark side
for a bit
maybe happiness
just is not meant for me
in this lifetime
and i give up

            t r y i n g
            to fight for it

you think i am
a woman who
is okay
with being left
in the dark

my my
are you
wrong

you think you can
hurt me
but
oh
baby
only i can
hurt me

    now stay the **** away

when i was 7 years old
i found myself
angry
not knowing
how to communicate

i took a pen
to my opisthenar
making the pen
crush my skin

bruising
and
bleeding

my mother
put ice on it
telling me
it would
one day be okay

maybe thats how
i became
who i am today

bruising, bleeding
my emotions
just to ice them out
and not feel a thing

whispering
to
myself

     one day it will all be okay

i don’t know if you know this
but i love you

i love you
with every ounce of my being
with every cell in my body

my 23 year old self trusts you
more than i’ve ever trusted a single soul
in my entire life

and i don’t think you understand how
******* scary that is for me
i shake at the thought of me really trusting you
i shake at the thought of me being with you
i shake at the thought of me hurting again
i shake at the thought of wanting more
i shake at being in love with you

because to be completely honest,
i’ve never had someone actually
care about me the way you do
i’ve never had someone care about me
more than you care about me
i’ve never had someone care about my safety more than me
until
you

i’m not use to this
what do i do
how do i learn to have a life no longer poisoned by my past

everyone tells me
to trust you
to communicate how i feel
to not let these other women ruin this
to not let me ruin this

but

how am i suppose to do that
when i haven’t trusted a single soul
since the age of 7

how am i suppose to when
the last time i trusted someone
they violated everything about me
and took every ounce of my innocence

how am i suppose to do this now?
i’m lost

i think i love him
even when
he gaslights me
into believing what he believes

i think i love him
even when
he gets so drunk
he can’t remember what happened the night before

i think i love him
even when
he moans another woman’s name during ***

i think i love him
even when
he raises his hand to my face

i thought i loved him
but it was all in my head