This thing you see
You said it was in me
You called it beauty
I have one simple plea
Please pull it free
Please help it flee
I live too chaotically
I'll help you find a key
It's too good for reality
Take it to the sea
It is pure and full of glee
The rest of me I can't garuntee
Don't call me sweet pea
Don't wonder what could be
There will never be a we
Just take that small rarity
That abnormality
Someday  you will agree
In dark waters it's the only buoy
The rest of who I am is debris

How many times
Will I let you do this to me?
Trick me into believing
I've won a victory.
You sneak up behind me,
Shoot a daring grin,
My resolve crumbles,
And you own me, you win.
I'll follow you wherever.
Please show me something new.
Try to remember those warnings,
But my mind is wrapped up in you.
We go on great adventures,
Best I've ever had.
I know I'm supposed to quit you,
But I don't know what's so bad.
Here we go again.
I'm smiling, laughing, in a daze!
I don't want this to ever end
I'm in love with-
.
Oh.
.
There she is.
I almost forgot she was there.
I really thought you weren't together.
I guess that wouldn't really be fair.
No I don't really want,
To break you two apart.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I have a muddled heart.
.
Hm.
.
How many times
Will I let you do this to me?
Let me believe that you are it,
The only one who sets me free.
I know I'm silly and naïve
But you're the one that I adore.
So when I ask how many times,
I'm hoping that it's at least one more.

Trust me.
I'm no longer dying.
I'm fine because,
I'm no longer trying.
I mean I am.
Trying to be better, I mean.
I'm improving even if,
Sometimes I careen,
Towards the edge and,
I fill you with fright.
Sometimes I'm dramatic,
But really I'm alright.
Except when I'm not.
When I pick the scab open,
Then I really just need,
Something to hope in.
Scratch that, I'm all talk.
I'm just looking for attention,
I'm sorry I'm so childish.
I really shouldn't mention,
Things like that,
Moments that hurt.
It was selfish of me,
To put you on alert.
I'm fine.
Except when I'm not.
When I overanalyze,
And I drown in thought.
I don't need you to coddle me.
That's not your responsibility.
But I wouldn't mind it.
I'm a little lacking in stability.
Just forget it actually.
I don't mean to keep up this game,
Of cat and mouse, it's silly.
Frankly it fills me with shame.
I don't want to be needy,
I don't want to have needs.
I don't want to be anymore,
Don't indulge me, it only leads,
To me telling you things.
Things that seem much worse,
Than I mean them to.
Confessions that I rehearse.
Thoughts that repeat in my head.
Try to stop them, don't know how.
But they're just thoughts.
So I'll stop scaring you now.
I swear I'm okay.
Except when I'm not.
When the world is crumbling,
Every inch of me is pulled taut.
When it never stops raining,
I'm drenched to my soul.
I shake violently and can't stop,
Nothing can fill this endless hole.
I've given up on hoping,
And I can't describe how I feel,
I know that I'm in agony but,
I don't even know if the pain is real.
.
.
.
Hey I'm sorry.
Sorry for all of it.
In fact I never stop,
Being sorry for sins I commit,
For getting lost and falling short.
Point is, what I'm trying to say,
Is that I'm better now.
But trying is the part giving it away.
Because I can't seem to say,
I'm doing just fine,
Because I can never be sure,
Because I walk a fine line.
In the end I can't tell you,
What's up and what's down.
If a girl keeps crying suicide,
She looses the trust of her town.

Don't promise eternity
That's far too cruel.
Because while you'll move forward
I'll waste too much time
Thinking of what it would be like to always be by your side
Dreaming myself into your arms
Creating some comfortable late night conversation
Imagining little ways to say I love you
So don't promise
Don't swear
Don't vow
Don't ensure
Don't lead me to believe I'm yours and your mine
My heart is too fragile
To be taken all the way up to eternity
Only to fall back down
To forgotten again.

I'm not...
There is so much I am not.
Happy?
No.
Angry?
No.
Sad?
No.
Then what?
Empty.
But this isn't you.
I know.
You're so different.
I know.
All of your energy...
Stolen.
All of your passion...
Taken.
All of your fight...
Gone.
... for good?
I couldn't tell you.
But before-
Everything from before feels unreal, fake.
Surely you'll feel different tomorrow.
Surely.
.
.
.
So I suppose it doesn't matter.

Flowers.
Letters.
Gifts.
Old photos.
Tears.
Lots of tears.
I've been to my own funeral.
I felt the love of those closest to me.
It was comforting.
I felt the regret of hurting them.
It was suffocating.
It left me translucent.
A ghost girl.
I wasn't dead,
But I might've well as been.
I drifted.
I haunted those that once knew me.
The most unsteady week of my life.
Now, through some sort of necromancy, I'm being resurrected.
Piece by piece, I'm coming back.
And I'll do everything I can to distract.
Try to make them forget that I am a zombie.

Having people who understand is new for me
There are people in my life who care about how I feel
It's odd, it makes the bad days not so bad when someone is aware
Life seems easy when with people who are there to help you heal

But I'm learning every blessing comes with a burden
And we all know that out of the two, I was never the blessing
This gift that I have cherished so much is just hidden poison
I see now this bond is bound to hurt one of us as I'm reassessing

I wish I didn't always see, but time and time again I realize
All I do in your lives is break and burden and continue disjoint
Because though I love you and I wish I could feel safe in that fact
Life was so much easier when I didn't have people to disappoint.

I want you to know that it’s not what you think.
I know it seems like I’m not even trying.
I know you think I’ve given up.
I know I don’t seem like I’m fighting.
But sweetheart if you could see inside of me, you’d see her.
Someone trying to claw her way out
Someone at war with her demons
Someone screaming for help
Someone who has been doing this for awhile
Someone who is running out of strength.
So tell her she’s weak.
Because she already knows it to be true.
She knows she is fighting a battle she’s losing.
So you tell me who’s given up
After you’ve spent a day where even breathing takes the life out of you.

Walking down a sunny road
Ground is soft, mind is free
Then rumbling underneath my feet
Splitting earth is all I see
Slipping
Gasp and try to catch myself
Losing balance, losing grip
Teeter over widening chasms
Keep footing, ignore fear, refuse to tip
Reaching
Stretching out my hands
Catching only air
Praying the wind will pull me up
No one saving me, no one there
Grasping
Clawing at the road
As it's being whisked away
Gravity latches on my ankles
Drags me down, losing sight of day
Falling
Head pounds, ears pop
Start so high, tumble so low
Scratching hands on canyon walls
Land with a thud and nowhere to go
Climbing
I’ve got to try to climb out
But I’ve forgotten how to breathe
Pull your seams together as they split
Begin to realize that you’ll never leave
Quitting
Slump against the wall
Were you really ever up there
Let it sink in, there is now way out
Know you are stuck and try not to care

I'm eroding away.
Life beats me and batters me.
Pieces of me ripped off and sent sprawling into the horizon.
I'm rusting to nothing.
Bits of me, I used to love, are corrupted and rendered useless.
I'm dissolving into obscurity.
Who I am is Slipping out to sea spreading into her waters.
I'm crumbling to dust.
Shaking and shuddering and jerking sending specks of me flying.
I'm rotting inside out.
Hard to see, but all of me turning sour and innocence has lost its meaning.
I deteriorate.
My eyelids sink lower and lower.
Someday soon they will close forever.
Breathing becomes more and more shallow
Someday soon it will stop altogether.
My heart is losing its will to beat.
Someday soon it will abandon its endeavor.

The beat of a heart,
the speed of a car,
in the blink of an eye,
faster than you could say goodbye,
the world turns upside down.
Regain your balance quick.
Don’t expect anyone to cut you slack.
Jump back on that horse
before it leaves you behind.
This is how you lose it all.
You lose your balance
then you lose your mind.

You don’t love me
You haven’t even met me
You can’t love me
You’ve only seen me in parts
It’s not your fault
Yellow me can be so loud
I like her most
She floats through life like a game
She made me friends
Nice and easy to look at
She is simple
You’ve probably met red me
I can’t hide her
If I tried she would riot
She’s a leader
Motivated and spunky
A trailblazer
She’s new in my life, for sure
I’m glad she came
Perhaps you’ve passed by purple
She’s a bit odd
A writer, a romantic
She's writing this
She sees everything we do
Through rose glasses
She wants beauty in all things
She keeps searching
For some higher meaning
Purple is naive
Though I fight her blue seeps through
Too many see her
Blue builds up til she breaks out
She weighs me down
She is guilt, self doubt and tears
She’s pitiful
I despise her, but she stays
Blue seeks escape
Few have seen the storm in me
Gray is vicious
She's erratic, she destroys
She's hardly seen
Those who have wish they didn't
Gray brings torment
Even I cannot love Gray
But Gray is me
No one has loved all of me
So why would you
Now before you profess love
Please, remember
You can't love just one color