Hot breath
Sweaty face;
Fast inhaling....
And faster movement

Hand on my spine
Lips on your neck

Nothing exists.
Nothing but you
Your unfailing hold
On my waist

Hands on my stomach
Lips on your chest

Your hand brushes...
And I whisper your name.
And I love you
Somehow you know

Hands on my chest
Lips on your ears

Does it have to end here?
Why must reality always return?
I wish to fall to the very pits of my desperation, but I know I cannot.

With too many corners,
The way to approach the unapproachable
Becomes more inconceivably distant.

In the ways I pushed against you
Trying to reach for what I knew
But battling a formidable opponent-
An entirely invisible division.
Only emanating confusion
And the impending release of will.

The loss of love without cause
Does not sit lightly in the heart
But even more unsettling
Are the distant recollections
Of something I saw as so pure;
Allowing myself to mold to you.

Free falling backwards
Thinking you’ll be caught is not
A way to ensure salvation.
Lest a demon disguised as an angel
Retrieves you from the gates,
To distort your desire to burn.

Still, you burned.
Numb to the flames in minutes
But susceptible to the smoke,
Restricting the very mortal intention
To inhale the sustaining force of life
Until you felt the sting.

Heedless to the fires,
I’ve come to find I kept you
Quite close to the center of my heart
With forgiveness and patience
Where others don’t wish
To feel the radiation, or pain

Scorched, an understatement.
Ashes to ashes, my desires
Still rampant to pull you back-
You, back to me
Where I can ensure security;
Habitual protection

If for no reason but this:
Each being placed by 
Divine intention requires
A deeper connection to feel 
Truly alive…
And your walls prevented that.

This is the calm before the storm.
This is the moment to breathe.
This is the time to release.
But that does not mean I leave
When the fire returns.


I will never again let you burn.

Even amongst the sorrow of life
Joy can be found-
Sometimes in big things,
But more often in the minuscule:
Like stickers from teachers-
"Good job!" "Well done!"
And you see you did just one thing
Right.
Finding a sweet mint
Tucked in the pocket of grandmas purse-
And knowing she wouldn't mind
If you took it.
Happiness lives in fuzzy socks-
When you feel like your feet
Are being given a long hug
By a teddy bear.
Travel size shampoos, too-
So small, yet yielding limitless
Wonderful and soapy scents.
Bouncy ***** for merely a quarter-
That seemed as though
They could bounce higher than the sun.
The pure euphoria of
A wall of scented candles-
Uncapping each and taking in the
Peach, caramel, linens, blueberry,
And countless other imaginative aromas.
Buttons and bubbles-
Such cute words
For such cute objects
Small and round and full of laughter.
Above all else,
Happiness is derived from the
People
That make you who you are,
And the simple smiles they give you
Day after day

The rain falls soft
Against my window,
Nearly indiscernible from
The creaking of the floors,
The settling of the walls.
Each drop slides silently
Across the glass,
Fading in to eternity,
Becoming one with the growing
Puddles and lakes below,
From many, they blend in to one.

Each person who walks
The face of this earth
Treads a path unique to them,
So quickly and silently
It is merely a split second
In eternity, to which
We all must fade.
Settling in to the ground
Bones creaking with age.
Time passed nearly indescribable
From the tears and laughter
In accompaniment.
From one, we fade in to many.

One more day, I beg
Please stay with me, I beg
I wish you didn't have to go
I need you here

A life without your smile
Your guidance and encouragement
Your love
Our laughter-
I feel distant

Distance between myself and I
For my soul has gone with you
And I am left here
Without myself
But more importantly
Without you

I never thought I'd be the one
I'd always seen as less than.
Living a life society
Commercializes as beautiful,
But a young girl sees as
Flawed and directionless;
The way I go about everything.

Yet here I find myself,
Pulled by the undertow toward my fate
One sip, one slip at a time.
Grabbed too quickly with a lurking subtly
Of fingers wrapped tightly around my wrist
So hard I couldn't feel myself
Falling in to them.

I didn't see myself being this one,
Driving home when the light nearly peeks
On the eastern side of my windshield.
Shaking so hard I can barely breathe
Knowing you said things you didn't mean
Only because of the drinks-
And begging myself to believe that.

Sometimes I shake away the good things
Simply because they are good,
And I've felt so much good
I want to know what bad is.
The truth my wandering eyes escape
Seems glaringly obvious in the daylight-
The bad is not good, it is wretched.

Still, I'm at this place
That only I've brought myself to.
Standing on the borders of capabilities,
Yet unable to cross in either direction.
Toward knowing deterioration,
Or a pure sense of empty accomplishment
Neither of which pulls me.

It seems I'll walk the tightrope
For a little while longer,
Lest my gravitational fate
Allow my free-fall to end in a landing.

Bang bang bang
Against the cage and the restraints
Aching to be free
To jump beyond the limits
Bang
For no good reason
For bad reason
Do not
Bang bang
I said no
Do not care
Do not jump to action
Bang bang bang
There is no reason
To feel these feelings
Not for some.... Thing
Like this one
Bang bang
Against the cage
Reeling, still feeling
For no good reason

I feel you
Settling perfectly in to my body-
Arms wrapped
Around my fragile frame.
A firm grasp,
An unfailing protection.

I feel you here
I sense your thoughts
Your longing to be so close
Your love transcending worries
The change the always comes
With an unspeakable joy
I feel you

I feel you now
Rivers of emotion
Of a passion so great
It cannot be contained
By the walls of your
Explosive heart
I feel you

And now I feel
The action-
The result of the great passion
Leaving your heart and mind
And throwing itself
On to a blank canvas!
I feel you here!
Chest pressed against mine,
Inseparable- our minds connect
We connect
And I can feel you

I try not to remember
But my eyes are constantly drawn
To the photos.
Genuine smiles
A time of pure, innocent happiness
Now fostering a new feeling-
A sadness so addictive
I cannot look away

I can see the sparkle in your eyes
In each moment from the past
And I fear that sparkle
Will never be mine again.
I fear it may belong to another,
Or the freedom we felt
Will be surpassed by the freedom
Of yourself

I cannot look away
It’s an addictive sadness

I suppose this is what it has become
At a crossroads, stretching to eternity
I went left, you went right
Bound for the mountains, bound for the sea
Yet I keep glancing
Over my shoulder
To the sunset in the east
Hoping to see your silhouette
Maybe looking back at me.

Encounters with others form the path,
Trail markers along my way,
As I climb ever forwards towards
Such a brand new uncertainty.
This unknown I never knew
Now presents itself clearly,
Yet somehow I’m not ready to approach it.

And so I’ll take my time,
Ambling slowly toward the ridges.
Perhaps when I get there I’ll feel you.
See you from above,
See you come running back,
Or at least see you happy-
Running to the sea.

And as I sit in this same place as he,
Remembering the way he smiled at me,
And holding on to every lasting glance,
I wish that he would give a second chance
For grasping close those smiles and tears alike
Emotions rife with words I never said
His eyes to mine ever devout and like
This mouth wired shut, my face is turning red.
And yet this speech I cannot find; instead
I say platonic but my love is pure
So if and when the both of us are dead
The mystery of thoughts can lack allure.
A burden lifted- my love yours to hold
But still a fallacy our minds behold.

One two three
The die is cast
On that which I must carry
An unknown pain
For an unknown enemy
And a battle within the mind

With these three
Emotions rampant
Vastly different, dramatically the same
Each carrying a connotation
Brother, lover, friend
But meanings this much deeper
In a way few can understand
This passion I carry

Like only I can feel the pain
That isn't even mine

Suffocated by the memories
Gasping for air
The pressure builds in my head
It is
Unbearable

There isn't a light
Driving through the never ending tunnel
A tunnel of turmoil
Sharp turns
Near misses
And love lost

Indiscernible screams escape
My muted mouth-
Silenced by ages of
Pain and hurt
So broken,
It cannot speak back anymore

Suffocation
Loss
Silence
Faced by impossible adversities
The battle rages,
But the war is not won

You are the one
Who I'll see
Waiting for me
At the end of the walk
Down the aisle

You are the one
Who will lay beside me
And keep me warm
All through our first
Winter months

You are the one
Who will scoop me up
As we laugh joyously
Because it seems
It won't be just the two of us anymore

You are the one
I've waited for
For my entire life
And you are the one
I truly love

Rampant and full of desire
I broke the glass
Surrounding your heart
Wanting what could be seen
And not touched

Wanting what is now mine
*I broke the glass

I broke them
Those foolish walls
Guarding your most
Prized possession,
An item nearly
Within my reach-
But for the wall.
Now, it has left
The guard is down
No more lock and key
Just an open stretch of land.
I can see the end,
But feel as though
This is only the beginning.
The wall was merely
The first obstacle.
Through the fog
I can see the next.
Indecision, tension,
A heart so burdened
With things it had
Never
Released.
What lay beyond the wall
Was more than I had bargained
And more incredible
Than I could've ever fathomed
But it was all worth it,
All worth it for the one thing
I've wanted all along-
Your heart

I was on my knees
I was crying out
But not a sound was heard
No one came to my rescue
They couldn't see-
See this agony
They couldn't know
They couldn't help.

*But then there was you.

But what does it really mean
When you say I love you?
Does it mean you
Feel?
Does it mean you
Think?
Love has not a definition,
But instead an assumption
That the other would
Love you back.
For love cannot truly be
One sided,
As then it is not love
It is merely the
Longing for love.
Love is an experience
Only shared between
Two.
Only felt in a pair
Seen within, and not alone
Love cannot be felt
Without two halves
Of one whole.

I tread along this road, directionless
My compass broken, I can’t tell true North.
More likely South I go, affectionless
And in to time I march along henceforth.
So taking to the mountains in retreat,
I try to run away from things untold
For with no way of knowing when I’ll meet
This future that, until now, can’t unfold
I try to keep presumptions out of thought.
I try to keep my mind at ease and rest…
But if I could have spoilers to the plot
Perhaps these things would motivate the best.
I tread along this road, directionless
My heart and soul I feel are just a mess.

Left side numbness,
Left brain failing
Only feeling what comes through my skin
Formal logic thrown to the wind
I don’t want to think

Your touch on my waist
A hand on my back
The way your fingers drift under my shirt
Lifting higher and higher
Stop

Life is changing,
Things are moving forward,
The distance in our years is growing still
Or standing still
Or shrinking

The smaller the space between our hips,
The smaller the gap in the years-
The way you press against my lips
Makes me feel a distinct freedom
From things I’ve felt before

More aggressive
More of a push
Yet so little pressure
I don’t feel like you will shove me away
I don’t feel like I’m holding you back
I don’t feel like I owe you anything

You owe me
You’ve shown me this way of feeling
Through the way you touch my back
And look further in to my eyes,
Allowed me to show you things I haven’t shown

Now we have this
This belongs to us
This is ours alone
Something to foster and something to own

I will let you
Come along with me

How did you know?
Was it
The look in my eyes?
My demeanor?
My straight face and
Tight gestures?
Before I spoke
You were gone
Swept away in the wind
No need to explain
You understood my silence
The silence was the end
And the end
Was inevitable

Take my hand I'll understand
The way your heart beats still
Reaching out I'm taking count
My love belongs to you
And I know
It's hard sometimes to realize
The pain this fall can bring
But I'll keep moving back to you
And winter turns to spring

Oh lord you hear my cry
My desperate call to you
When I don't have a way
Or a will to answer
To those in this world

You take my every burden
Casting cares aside
Getting to see the real me
One so few actually see
The barrenness and brokenness inside

Lord please search my heart
My prayer to you today
To pull out what I cannot find
To show me your will, your way
I know not how to ask for your answers

Thank you for your guidance
Though I sometimes cannot see it
I know you're always with me
Your silent hand a comfort
Your arms around my shoulders, close and warm

I cannot take this life, God
Not without you, not alone
I sometimes forget to ask, God
Yet in you, I am strong
I need your peace

Let this be my prayer
Spoken from my heart through my lips
But from a place much higher
Amen

I may not know
Precisely where I'm going
And I'm not quite sure
If I'll make it there
But I am certain
That I want you there
Every step of the way
See, no one
Makes me feel
Alive
Like you.
I see the beautiful sky,
Hear the laughter
Of thousands of happy people,
Breathe in the fresh air
All because of you.
Without you,
The world would be a dark place.
I would never be
Truly
Living

I can’t seem to understand
Why this same
**** song
Plays in my head.
It isn’t even a good song
Not the kind that fills you
With jubilation, freedom
No.

(I took a walk today and saw a man in a wheelchair trying to cross the road. I thought a car was going to hit him but he made it across)

This **** song
Leaves me barren.
It takes everything from me;
my love, my happiness-
It leaves me barren.

(People can’t seem to understand that if I stop for you to go, you shouldn’t stop for me to go. Then we just both stand for longer.)

I wish it would stop playing
But right when it ends
It repeats again.
And I don’t turn it off…
I’m waiting for it to turn itself off.

(Oh, and while we’re talking about it, I miss playing the piano. I miss making the music on my own.)

Maybe the more I talk about the
**** song
The more likely it will be to
Go away.
The song is shy, and I am not afraid of it
It should be afraid of me.

With time I feel my deepest strife is found;
These days and years my mental prison be,
For when I take a cursory glance around,
The things I long for most, time shields from me.
It seems that all must hike this same long trail,
The progress slow, tis futile to see far
And when compared in years, experience pale,
I see that love doth fall if not on par.
Still hopeful I will one day feel at home,
My earthly being nay reflect my mind.
Till then in frequent solitude I roam,
And cling to fickle ones alike in kind.
I know that time is neither friend nor foe,
My ancient soul contained in ebb and flow.

If this is what I have to do then I may as well admit it to you, if no one else. Because you, the person in my head, the one I always talk to instead of real people in the world... you may be the only one who sees me for who I am. Broken and hurting and falling with no safe place to land. It's hard for me to show you why I'm stuck here in this place, but the easiest way to put it is the hardest thing to say. I loved him. I love him still. It's forcing back against my will, I push, it shoves, I'm falling down, my head has lost its mental crown. For in this state I do not own the thoughts I have; you can relate- I am their slave, as you are mine. I manipulate the way you perceive me, and they force me to feel this way as well. Just as I do, they can deceive me, and force me how this way to tell. I do not want to love him now, but I can't find the strength I need to muster to push him away. The longer he's here, the faster it stays. You see the problem? I know I do, it's hard for me to admit to you because I don't want it to be a problem! I want to hold him close at night, I want to feel close beside me, and his warmth and soft embrace- there was a time he set the pace, and I followed. But now it seems he's only pulled away enough for his own mental anguish to desist, while I am left to ponder on this list of reasons I still feel attached, and my heart to his is latched. I only wish for freedom, but know I am not willing to take back my own kingdom if it means dethroning him, for he leads so well. But when he leaves my mind throbs and swells in a state of mental discourse between myself (and you of course), and him and them and everyone who tries to feed my ways to cope. But I don't need their games- it's all a joke, with the punch line being: I'll still love him, all said and done. Someday when we both find someone he will be happy, as will I, and likely the truth is as you say; the best doctor is time. Behind these mental prisons there are tunnels I have dug, and deep inside one a small hope remains snug that somewhere far along the path he and I will cross and laugh at how we thought it wouldn't be and yet it seems he's there for me and we will walk along together, facing storms and dreary weather... because like I said, all along he's been the one inside my head. And perhaps I've been in his. But now it's time to leave that dream, buried deep within this hole. I cannot visit it, it seems it will only hold me back once more. You understand, don't you? How I have to do this alone? I know you want to help me here, but if he picks up the phone, it will only be me- one voice, one sound. Telling him that I have found I have to fire him from this position of entitlement he's found over my being, over myself. Of course, he doesn't know he's there- he never did anything wrong.... all of these things I've come to find, I've placed him there within my mind. I love him, I loved him, and I do still. Its all against my will. I may deceive you more, but at least understand- I've tried to shut the door. It will close itself when it is ready, which may be now.

Out of sight
Out of mind
I step away from myself
And in to the abyss
Of my knowledge.
Swimming through the memories,
Playing them like film strips.
I fall out of reality,
Allowing the subconscious mind
To take over.
I walk away from
The world,
And retreat inside
To a tranquil place where
Thoughts can be heard
Without distraction
Without calamity.
Taken below the surface
Of the iceberg and
Consumed with euphoric fantasy,
All I can hear is the laughter
Of a thousand voices
Like wind chimes in the breeze-
All proclaiming peace.
If I could stay forever
I would-
In this place
I am happy.

I would love to raise my voice
And not have one risen back
Against me

How does it end?

               Did it even begin?

     There isn't a way

                                 I can't see a path

                   I just---

We locked it
And threw away the key

But now I'm wishing
I hadn't made these promises

I didn't know
You weren't what you seemed

Until it was
Far too late

Until we locked it
And threw away the key