Do you ever
Look at a blade
And think
"Well... that belongs across my throat."?
Do you ever
Look at a bottle of pills
And think
"I should take them all."?

Because I sure as hell do

Today
I was sitting at the dinner table
Behind a baked potato
Scared
Uncomfortable
Anxious
While my parents kept watching me
I sat there
While my brother
And my sister
Ate with no problem
No second thought
**** i wish i could be like that.
When everyone else got up
My mom looked at me
And said out loud
"can you just eat it? Its not that hard."
The dumb thing is
She thinks shes my savior
But she makes me feel like I belong in an asylum
Everyone was looking at me
Judging
While tears slowly fall
From my blurry eyes
The thing is
She doesnt even understand
She thinks i dont want to eat
But I can't
I can't
I can't
I can't
I can't
I can't
"I cant."
I mouthed
Silently
And she said
"Yes you can! Youre just being dramatic."
No, not said.
Exclaimed
She told me to take a few bites
I did
And I got up and walked away
And set my 1/10 empty plate
Next to the sink.
I went downstairs.
She yelled down the stairs
"deadname, get up here. You need to eat more food."
I ate some more.
And then I went back down
To sit with the guilt
I know shes trying to help
But please dont tell me to try to be grateful
Because she is just making things worse
My therapist agreed
The hospital agreed
So now
I will sit
And cry
I'm my room
Try to avoid getting blood stains on my sheets
Try to hide my tool
Try to get better
Because I do want to
But these people dont ******* understand.
And they need to stop pretending that they do.

Think about it
You could easily ****** someone and get away with it
Think about it
You could watch every movie there is
Think about it
You could marry your one and only love
Think about it
You could learn ever gen alpha term, including skibidi ohio rizz

Think about it
You could slash your exes tires
Think about it
You could spend all your life on a couch
Think about it
You could break every law
Think about it
You could walk never in a slouch

Think about it
You could fall in love
Think about it
You could run away
Think about it
You could fight off a bear
Think about it
You could only do these things if you keep living.
Every day.
Please dont **** yourself.

Folding paper cranes for you
Because I heard
That whoever folds the 1000th
Gets a wish
And I want you
To get whatever you need
Because you deserve it

Folding paper cranes
Because I need something to do with my hands
While my head runs away
Thinking thoughts that i'll never understand

10 years of drawing
9 years of being friends
8 years of being bullied
7 years of being bullied by you
6 years of guilt
5 years of trying to fit in
4 years of writing poetry
3 years of letting you manipulate me
2 years of knowing something was wrong with our friendship
1 year of trying to tell you
0 years of freedom

anxiety affects
my fragile heart
you can't make it stop
when someone already made it start

anxiety affects
my useless head
asking me "what's going on?"
and "why am i not dead?"

anxiety affects
my confused soul
makes it ask more questions
makes me want to hode in a hole

TiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTired­TiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTired­TiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTired­TiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTired­TiredTiredTired
Thats me

it's just a bitter pill to swallow
one that should fix my mind
one that should make me happy
one that should make me kind

it's just 150 MLs of drugs
to put you to sleep
we've prescribed these pills
so that none of your problems leak

it's just a pill case that's bursting at the seams
no problem, no sweat
these pills are supposed to make me see nothing but smiley faces
but i still feel nothing but dread

if the prescription doesn't work
should we up the dose
or should we stop
because my mental health is a budding rose
making me want to drop

the pills have stopped working
well, i guess they never did
but i don't want to concern the doctors
so it's always something i've hid

pretend i'm doing okay
say that i feel fine
they write it down in their little note pad
i hope they don't know that i'm lying
i hope they don't know that i'm crying
i hope they don't know that i'm dying
every second i'm alive

if they could read my thoughts
would they send me to the hospital for the second time?
because if they do
i'll stay silent...
like a mime

no words
just like last time
running out of rhymes
so i guess i won't speak
poetry is how i talk

Waiting for the worst
Because in 8 days
They will come
The family
The elders
I think people need to stop saying
"Respect your elders."
Because why should i respect them
If they don't respect me

Respect is earned
Not demanded
So maybe
You should stop calling me she
Or transphobic comments
And start treating me like the grandson i am

Grandpa addicted to cannabis
Grandma addicted to alchohol
Their garage reaks if sadness
I think the reason they do this to themselves
Is because they might hate me for who i am
But I think they hate themselves more

A for ***
because that's what you were to me
B for *****
because that's what you are
C for crap
because that's your opinions
D for ****
because that's what you act like
E for eternity
because that's how long your words will repeat in my head
F for *******
because those are the words i held back for so long
G for game
because that's all i was to you
H for hell
because that's what you put me through
I for incinerate
because that's what you did to my self-worth
J for joke
because that's all our friendship ever was
K for ****
because that's what you made me want to do to myself
L for loser
because that's how you always saw me
M for mortician
because that's what you'll need by the time I'm done with you
N for no
because that's what i said but you kept insisting we should be friends
O for onion
because you act like one, always making me cry
P for promises
because you never really could keep them, could you?
Q for question
because i have a ****-load of those for you
R for real
because i wonder if you even know that i am
S for sacrifices
because i made so many for you
T for torch
because i was in the dark but you hid yours
U for ugly
because that's what you kept on calling me
V for vaccine
because you make me sick
W for war
because that's what's going on in my brain thanks to you
X for x-ray
because i want to dig deep into your mind to find out why you did this to me
Y for you
because that's what i blame everything for
Z for zip
because zip your mouth, you cannot be talking about pain

a whole alphabet about you. i feel like we need more letters
because there definitely is more to be said

today
i was changing after PE
(in the girls locker room, of course.)
too scared to come out to the school.
i was changing out of the blueberry colored sweatpants
when a girl commented
"how did you get those cuts?"
"do you have a cat or something?"
and i just stood there
like a rabbit
hoping
that if i freeze
they won't be able to see me
they ask me if i'm okay
...
i ran away

i know
that i have problems
but i think that they're starting
to turn into issues

I never think of life
As a wet on dry watercolor painting
Because its more similar
To wet on wet
You put a dash of color
Joy
Emotion
And it spreads
Like a virus
But a good one
Life isnt realism.
Life is abstract.
So treat it like that.
Imperfect
But in the end?
Beautiful.

they call me she
they call me a liar
they tell me that im not trans
they tell me that I should be set on fire
They call me a sin
They call me fake
They tell me that ill never win
They call me a ****
They call me a creep
I'm just expressing my gender identity.
I just want to *** in the right restroom.
What
The
****
Do
You
Mean
By
That?

whats going on
chaos moving in my brain
chaos and panic
world passing by
while i'm stuck
here
in this hellhole
that's bringing pain
and hoping for death
and destruction
i have no idea
whats going on
heart rate going up
breathing fast
brain going crazy
too much happening
for my little, anxious, stupid, empty brain

Happy pills
Leave me feeling empty
Numb
And to be honest
Ive stopped taking my meds
Because id rather feel ******
Than feel like styrofoam

Happy pills
Leave me feeling nothing
Like plain yogurt
But ive stopped taking my meds
Because id rather feel like a plant without
W a t e r
Than an unsalted pretzel

Are the pills helping?
Because they are supposed to make me happy
But they somehow make me feel worse...

dance to the song,
you beautiful ballerina
we are all watching
don't mess up

move your feet,
you beautiful ballerina
or we will attach the strings
to your useless little limbs... again

paint a smile on your face,
you ugly ballerina
if you smiled more
more people will like you

why did you eat that,
you fat ballerina?
you'll just gain more weight
you wont fit into your size -5 dress

you made a mistake,
you useless ballerina
maybe you should just go
nobody even wants to see your show.

Quit hoping for freedom,
You disaster of a ballerina
You are our marionette
We have full control

Stop lying,
You rat of a ballerina
We have never hurt you
We just discipline

Stop being dramatic,
You drama queen of a ballerina
You dance
You don't act

Stop moping,
You hideous ballerina
Just because he doesnt like you anymore
Doesnt mean you have a right to frown

Start smiling,
You sad ballerina
Nobody will like you
If you frown...

you deserve better,
you precious, imperfect, kind, sweet, beautiful, nice, wonderful, friendly, injured, hopeful ballerina.
leave this awful place.
you deserve so much better...

i know that hate never helps
it never helped anyone
only makes things worse or keeps it the same
doesn't change what happened
can't change the past,
saying this is meaningless.
but after all you did to me,
i think i have the right to say this:

i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you.

okay. one more time.
I. HATE. YOU. 😊

The showers after
Always hit different
The skin and cuts sting
Lose my soul
While blood falls down the drain
The next 15 minutes always hit different...
Red liquid flowing and gushing out of my cuts
Cuts

        Cut

                  Cu
                        
                                C

It almost stings
As much as your words
Soap
Wash my mouth with soap
Said too much
Told you too much
Said everything wrong
I can't do anything right
Rub salt to my wounds
Please

Slice
Slice
Slice
I told myself i wasnt addicted
Cut
Cut
Cut
I was doing so well
Scrape
Scrape
Scrape
Got in a fight with my friend
Bleed
Bleed
Bleed
Why do I do this to myself...

Blood bleeds through my jeans
Red blotches, displaying my shame
My pain
Yet they still believe me when i say im ok

Dont call me trans masc
When ive always been a boy

Skipping school
Avoid the reminders
Say i feel sick
Say i feel tired
Friends worried
Keep missing
Skipping
Avoiding
Ignoring school.
Avoid these people
At all costs
A list of a sidewalk
To skip down on
When I want to feel pain
Because thats all you brought to me
Skipping school...
Avoid the reminders...
Say i feel sick...
Say i feel tired...

is it just me
or does everybody seem to hate me
is it just me
or does nobody really care
is it just me
or are the stares a sign of resentment
is it just me
or is there tension in the air
Is it just ne
Or does everybody want me dead
Is it just me
Or these thoughts might not just be in my head...

Definition of psychopath; a person affected by chronic mental disorder with abnormal or violent social behavior.
Haha why does that kind of sound like you
No empathy
Just ignorance

What is wrong with humanity
We torture animals to entertain ourselves
We separate them from their families
We burn their homes
Flames licking at ancient trees
We poison their waters
We fill them with plastic and oil
And say that we have it bad
What have we done?

You can't go anywhere that Hasn't been touched and ruined by humans.
Not a forest with no footsteps
Not an ocean with no plastic
Not a mountain where humans haven't planted their flag.
What have we done?

Homes
Gone.
Lives
Lost.
A collapsed society, built on greed and neglect
World awful
Whoever has more money wins
People stuck on violent, garbage filled streets
Animals in chains
What have we done?

Birds try to fly
But wings are tied
Fishes try to swim
But gills are caught
What have we done?

The only way to fix it
Is to start over
If only.
If only we could.
Goodbye, dear earth. I'm so sorry.

sometimes i wonder
if you even cared about me
i wonder if you there's anything about me you know
i wonder if you can see

sometimes i wonder
what goes on in your brain
maybe "i'll use him for a joke"
or maybe "i'll make him go through pain".

sometimes i wonder
if inside me, there's something wrong
if inside everyone who knows me
there's something about hate... a song

a song
a melody
saying something's wrong
something's wrong with me
i can't see
you treated me like ****
but i wanted to be your friend?

why
why did i want to be your friend
you were awful to me
was it my fault?

loud noises
crowded rooms
eating
talking
living
hoping
dreaming
wishing
can't do anything about it
can't do anything without being reminded

i don't know what's wrong with me
but something was happening so long ago
and it still repeats in my head
makes me want to shut my eyes and go

i don't know what's wrong with me
but i can't talk about it
no matter how hard i try
i'm just to scared to admit that i've been through some ****...

i don't know what's wrong with me
every time i see those awful people
every time there's a loud noise or a crowded room
it just reminds me that the whole world is sheeple

i don't know what's wrong with me
their words repeat in my head in an infinite loop
their mocking keeps coming up
feels like i'm in a boiling *** of trauma soup...

haha i don't ******* know what's wrong with me!!!

every notification on my phone
telling me something is going wrong
another corrupted plan succeeding
another million people gone...

every news story in the morning
telling me I'm going to die
another failed hope
another savior plan gone awry...

every word out of your mouth
telling me I'm a worthless *******
it was so long ago
but the forest fire is still lit...

every word of yours i remember
keeps repeating in my head
telling me i'm useless
and that i'd be better off dead...

Maybe I'm going crazy
Because I think I might like him.
I might want him to like me
Am I going crazy???
Because it sure feels like it.
Haha maybe I am 😅
Maybe I have a crush
Maybe
Just maybe
He does too

am i going crazy
i cant believe my eyes
people telling me
its going to be alright

the chaos in the room
the noise passing by
panic arises in my soul
rightfully so?

it's too loud in here.
haha
i think I'm going crazy
because it sure feels like it
maybe I belong in an asylum :)
because I can't ******* do this anymore

I miss the days
When I could just eat without thinking about it
Without counting the calories
Without shaking with guilt
Without feeling so awful that I shove my fingers down my throat just to pull it out
To remove the weight
To release the guilt and shame and food into the toilet bowl

The cold bathroom floor has become comforting.
Knowing that after kneeling down on it, my hands trembling
I'll lose weight

a pen lost in my bag
that has run out of ink
become a useless little thing
think, Nobody1234 think!
what shall i use it for
not writing
or art
or laughing because
i'm trying to hide a ****