My life could be so depressing but I’ve made a determined decision to make sure hat when I feel like something can wrap its clammy claws around my ankle and drag me to the depths I rip my foot out of its hold and take another step. Especially when I have someone else counting on me.
Someone I need to excel in life for to give them hope they do not have elsewhere. An honesty they cannot find without me. It could be considered a trap in life but I will not view it that way as this creature, my own blood and bones needs me. Has protected me and admired me. I cannot fail him. Nor should I fail myself. He is the constant reminder that I am not a failure and that no matter how many waves of disappointment and destruction try wash over me I will keep my grip and I will not let go.

To try and forget you...
Is akin to ripping a limb from my body.
To rip away organs I cannot live without,
So I heal and I repair so that I can continue.
Yet somehow you remain,
To destroy a part of me that is you,
Is to rip away a part of myself.
A part of me I would not be without that piece.
It's a part of me I would not survive without.

I don't want to continue.
I feel I lack the strength
For many reasons that weigh
Heavy on my chest.

Constricting my breathing of this life.

I am struggling
I have a lust for love
I feel lost without it

Romantic fuel
I'm dead without it

Breathe life back into my soul
I lack a fever
I lack lust
Or love

I understand
That I’m not good enough for you
That I’m not good enough for your family
That I’m not good enough for your friends

I understand
that I have little worth Based on my past actions

I understand
That my word means nothing
That my actions have consequences
That I must bear the burden

I understand
That I am now dubbed untrustworthy
That I may not show my pain
That I may not have boundaries
That I am undeserving

I understand.

I am not enough for myself

I, harbor danger.
Forever attempting to befriend the beast within
My grip, white knuckles, too weak,
She burns sharp as acid through the cracks in my fist,
Poison trickles through veins, taught.
Panic.
A Grasp of desperation,
Stumble,
on the edge with no choice but to balance
on the tips of broken glass.
A thing of beauty,
pride or disgust.
Both,
it must be
everything at once.
Terror swallowed in the dark
Demented
Chaos

If I were to be a believer
I would believe not only in god
But in the devil
And believe me when I say,
I would choose the latter.
Pray, that I do not believe.

This depression
Is as though a dark mist that surrounds me
Forever following
Changing from mist, to fog, to solid mass
Holding me fast
As I sink deeper into the depths of the sea
Then changing, becoming lighter
Lifting me to safety
A tease of false hope
True enough to be honest but
False enough to be short lived
Joy is the streaming of sunlight reaching into the depths
As I gaze up at the barrier between suffocation and survival
As my brain shuts down the delivery of blood and oxygen
to the less necessary limbs, my body becomes heavier and surrenders as my heart and lungs struggle to survive in a hopeless situation
Contradictory survival
Flawed
To have my fingers grasp onto safety
A thread of sunshine, of life,
To warm and inspire life into my bones
To fight