He says he hates the color blue, and turns to look at me.
"Except for your eyes. I like that color."

I am so accustomed to the fact that no one gives a ****.
No one really cared.
They were never my friends.
They pity me and tolerate me.
I'm annoying and useless.
They don't want me around because I'm not good enough.
But they'd never know,
As the smile on my face,
Just as fake as them.

I was seven years old
When my dad broke my heart.
He said he would move away
But we would never be truly apart.

I waited, and waited...
Sometimes in the  intense heat, or snow
But only with age I learned
That my dad would never show.

One day I got tired of waiting
and stopped watching the road.
My heart hardened a bit though mom
Still thought it was made of gold.

I guess at this point was when
I started to lowkey hate men.
Never have one kept his word to me
Not josh, nor Caleb. Not Keith, nor Ben.

All my relationships fail,
I leave them before they leave me.
It hurts less you know?
When you know you hold the key.

So at 20 years this where I am at.
And this is why I write.
It takes the pain away you see,
Some, but not much.

When you casually left from my life
I know it’s cliché but it felt like a knife
I never expected to lose you
but I guess were through.

I can’t stop brushing my fingers on the old pages
it’s been ages since we last spoke
my eyes devour the written words of our history
how you left me still seems a mystery
your leaving took its toll
it left a void, a hole.

When you casually left from my life
I knew it was the right thing
but im pulling myself on this string.
Pretending its not happening
I never expected to lose you
but I guess our love wasn’t true.

I know I need to close the dusty pages I cling to
flick the new pages open and push through.
You seem happier while I still can’t sleep
I don’t cry or weep but I know my wound is **** deep.

It’s about time I had some good sleep
not tossing and turning and thinking
sinking in to my mind, unblinking

I know I need to write my next chapter
escape my abandoned captor.
Once I pick up my pen
I know Ill be almost new again
who knows what awaits
what the fates have in store
but I know i'll no longer be on the floor
thinking and rewinding our time together

I have an unsteady hand to open the new pages
It’s a slow and lonely journey, it may take ages
but I will write a next new chapter.
Where you have lost me but I will be free.

You mean nothing to me anymore
I am no longer your *****
go and tie that noose around your neck
you bet I won't be there
I think about you and cannot remember why
why did I let myself cry
why did I let myself repeatedly die

You mean nothing to me anymore
even your name is just an eyesore
I walk with pride with each stride
no longer sunken and petrified
of your inner Jekyll and Hyde

You mean nothing to me anymore
and with that statement its the end of this cold war
I don't know what my future has in store
but I'm ready to go explore
I'm ready to walk this road alone

You mean nothing to me anymore
I know on this path i'll fall down and ask what's this all for
with disillusioned hopes and words- I miss you come back
I'll get back on track and realise
You may mean nothing to me but I mean the world to me
and its about time I became a ******* priority.

Dear dad,
I'm 18 years old,
and you've been out of my life for 17 years and 42 weeks of it.
You missed out on your little girl learning, and growing, and turning into a woman.
Someone else taught me how to ride a bike,
but I don't think that you mind missing something so important.
I don't think you mind missing recitals, and concerts and shows.
I don't think you'd even recognize me if you saw me on the street.
You don't deserve the title dad,
so for as long as I can remember, I've called you ***** donor.
Because that's all you ever given me (except for daddy issues and hereditary mental illness).
You don't deserve the title dad because you never taught me how I was supposed to be treated;
so I settled for too little, and longed to be loved.
But now, I don't even call you ***** donor,
I neglect to recognize your existance in my life,
because let's face it, you were never even a possibility.
I feel bad after all these years,
because you missed out on the joy of having a daughter,
and being a father.