I think what you end up missing
the most when you don’t have a partner
are all the lost little moments that
make life special.
That feeling in the middle of the night
when you wake from a bad dream,
or anxiety won’t let you sleep
so you reach for your person.
Snuggle into their arms and you can
feel your whole body relax.
There once was a boy who fell for me
but I missed the train he got on,
I watched it leave.
I saw his tears from the window,
but I just waved goodbye and let him go.
I could say I’m sorry over and over
but it won’t change last October.
Maybe I never should’ve came to his house that night,
maybe right now he’d be alright.
I have a habit of breaking hearts,
because mine is too.
I wish I could be in love with you.
I hate being me.
I wish I was anyone else.
Someone who didn’t gain 20 pounds
in a year, who can handle normal every day ****.
Someone who doesn’t pull out their hair
and force bald spots that can’t be fixed.
I wish I was skinny and pretty and happy.
Fun to be around and brought light and joy to others.
I wish I had friends that went to the gym with me. Go on walks, and eat a light lunch.
Then smoke ****, drink and take molly at night.
I wish I could work as a server at a cute restaurant that’s close by. No want to go to college or have health insurance.
Just somehow live a quiet happy life with a man that loves me and only me and I adore him.
Why did I get this life?
Why am I being punished?
I hate myself.
I would do anything to go back.
Anything to go back to my apartment
on the second floor where we lived happily
ever after together.
Sunday morning cuddles,
binging Game of Thrones,
sitting on the counter watching you cook.
Putting the tent up in our living room
pretending to watch Alice in wonderland
under the stars.
I would give up my future and any joy
I may feel to go back to when you loved me.
One time my sister told me
I go for the ones that are broken.
I like someone I can help back up,
pick up their pieces and sort out the puzzle.
I like a jagged edge,
someone with corners so sharp you
could cut your head open if you fell.
I like the chase, trying to keep up and
She said I’ll never settle for boring.
I don’t like simple.
Love will never be easy, even if it could be.
I am a fixer who doesn’t want to be fixed.