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Each time I reach
out,
it is met with a
paragraph about how
I am pushing.

All I said was hi.


But, oh yeah.
He loves me,
He’s just mad.
There’s really nothing like
the passing of time.
Everything is gone.
There used to be a tree that a pitbull played around. Never giving up on getting her teeth on that tire.
Only cool girls
cry on the floor
while listening to
Joan Baez half drunk
and getting high
anyway.
Dog
The last few nights I’ve had dreams
about a little black and white dog
that almost looks like a stuffed animal
it’s so cute and small.
Holding its little warm body
in my arms filled me with so much
happiness.
It left me feeling empty when I woke up.
Growing up
our dad was always
very excited to
see a rainbow.
It was almost mandatory
that you come
outside and oo
and ah at the glory
of nature.

This afternoon we
had a summer storm
that brought wind
and lots of rain.
But to my surprise
the sun came out.
So I got out of bed
and walked out the front
door and sure enough
one was forming almost
like a painting behind
the windmill.
I was excited,
I knew from the angle
of the sun that this one
was going to really shine.
I knew my dad
would be proud as I
moved around the porch
trying to get a
good photo.

It felt like a show at
the end of the day;
watching it form,
show off,
and then fade into
the air.
Being alive is
making me
nauseous
He claims he doesn’t
want me to suffer
or punish myself
but it’s clear to me
that he does.
Refusing to speak me
unless it’s on his terms.
Setting up even more
rules and boundaries
even though there are
currently a maze of those.
And bringing up my
horrible mistake every
chance he can.

He thinks he’s the one
with control,
but he’s not.
I am.
I don’t want to
punish myself anymore.
I’m not even saying
I’m innocent but
I don’t want to lock
myself up.

I don’t want to do this
anymore.
-no, I didn’t cheat. It’s actually worse if you can believe it
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