Last night was an example of
how it’s still there.
He didn’t feel like eating
so I blessed a few slices and put
some pizza aside for him.
But he didn’t want me to leave,
so we watched March of the Penguins
on the couch in the old spooning position.
I was falling asleep but I could feel
that he was awake.
His hand searching to pull down
my sweatpants and recreate what
we used to be good at.
And it was really good.
But I’m not falling over drunkenly
in love, I just feel proudly smug
knowing I still got it.
Everything is not okay.
I’ve already lost track of
what day it is,
I have no idea where
I should be or what I should be
It’s October, so my yearly
downfall into seasonal depression
is right on schedule.
I’m not even in my own bed.
Or my house because I don’t really
have one anymore.
My heart is broken,
my bank account busted,
no good fortune on the horizon.
Just another sun rise into
a day of disappointments.
I’m spending my night drinking
hot chocolate and rewatching
Gilmore Girls: Seasons.
I’ve sat at the kitchen table to smoke
some **** while the house is dark
Everyone else is asleep because
they all have jobs to go to when
they wake up.
I am unemployed.
He still needs me in the
small ways I need him.
It doesn’t get easier
You just learn how to deal
with the pain.
I remember going to
Toys R Us on my sixth birthday
and picking out a stuffed black dog
which became my favorite.
I named it Toto.
She has soaked up so many tears,
and really put up with a lot.
And even now, as a 24 year old woman
I sob into her fur and picture myself at 6
and can’t believe I’ve let her down.
I can’t believe how badly this man
who used to love me has hurt me.
It’s not fair.
When does it get better? Because I’ve never
seen the light for very long.
Waking up without him,
in an apartment that still doesn’t
feel like mine has only gotten
Many of my days begin
with tears or a slight panic attack
just remembering I won’t
get to see him.
I never fell out of love.