it is a slow awakening
that i crave
i thought i wanted you to fill me
with understanding
but lord, treat me with care
touch me in small ways
i know i have built a dam
to keep you out
but i have been drowning for so long
that i cannot tell help
from harm

Esther Krenzin

i cried rivers of salt
thinking it would change things
that perhaps they would hear
and comfort me
in the end nothing changed but my
expectations
i no longer expected good from people
who had no good left to give.

Esther Krenzin

you thought it wouldn’t hurt anymore
it wasn’t supposed to
when they took advantage of you again
or stabbed you in the back
but no matter how many times you built up your wall
it was never thick enough to stop the knife

-Esther Krenzin

i was built
on the crest of a wave
and swelling roll of tide
and i was not forged
to walk on my knees
just so that others may
know peace

Esther Krenzin

you took my heart
from it’s home
and i consented to it
sure that you could be trusted
with the weight
i was wrong
you began to complain about how heavy it was
you grew weary from holding it next to yours
so you
snipped the ties
and let
it
f a l l

-Esther Krenzin

the story you tell yourself
is the story you live out

Esther L. Krenzin

oh lord
i promise to be good
and true to my word
i promise to look people in the eye
and treat them with the respect they deserve
i promise to try harder
be stronger
and less fragile
grant me this plea
this prayer in the stillness of my heart
just give me one more day to live
one last chance to see the sun set
one final chance to make amends
and say all that twists itself tight in my throat
i beg you to spare me
i thought i wanted death
i wanted it so badly my lips were bitter with tears
it seemed better than facing the world
it seemed easier than facing myself
and the ones i claim to love (yet hurt so badly)
wouldn't everyone be happier
if i just disappeared
into the night
onto the welcoming cement so far below
it beckoned me
and
i
  threw
   myself
    into
     its
      arms
it is only when i struggle to draw breathe
that it hits
and ravages whats left of me
i realize i wanted to grow old
and watch my children prosper
i wanted to stare out at the world one day
and smile at what i saw
i wanted to live for all that i was to gain
and lose
so what if it hurt
so what if i was broken
so what if it was hard
it was still a gift
one that i had wasted so thoughtlessly
lord
if you are there
do not judge me when i come before you
i wanted wanted reprieve and looked for it in all the wrong places
and it was my demise
Esther L. Krenzin