Laying in bed next to who I love, Crying covering my mouth and nose so he can not hear the sniffles. I don’t want to wake him up to not be able to explain why I am not okay. I also do not want to just cry alone in a different room so I lay there and just try to make sure you do not wake up from my tears. I feel even worst that you woke up for nothing. I might want to be held and be told everything is okay. Even though that is a lie and things won’t get easier sometimes its nice to hear. I’m very overly emotional and It’s hard to contain. I hate trying to stay silent when I’m breaking down but its easier then admitting I don’t know why I’m crying. It is a lot easier then saying my mind has made sure I do not stop crying. I feel like I look like I’m bugging for attention and That’s not it. I just need someone there who is strong enough to just be there and not know with me sometimes.

What's the worst type of hurt? Was it your first actual boyfriend? Or Was it your First Love? Was it because they cheated and left you broken, asking why? Could it have been one of your parents? Or a grandparent passing away. Was it an aunt or uncle? Did they do something to you? Was it mental or physical abuse? Could it be that guy you didn't actually date? Was it a ***** teacher or coach? Did someone touch you inappropriately? Was it that best friend? Did they betray your trust? Was it a coworker or boss? Could be it have been that stranger?  Who broke you to the point you thought there was no coming back? Which traumatic event of your life made you relook at life and rethink everything? What happened that makes you overthink every relationship you have? What hurt you the most?

It hits at the worst time.
The days, you need to sleep.
The nights, you can't handle.
Overthinking and wondering,
How did I get here?
What direction do I go?
Knowing you'll never know.
Crying and begging for sleep.
It will come when you don't need it.
Insomnia is one *****
Who just haunts you at your worst.

Do you ever feel like you are stuck?
It hits me at a friends house at 3 am when all I want to do is sleep but it’s so ******* hot and my mind is running. No one is awake and all you want to do is run, run away from all my problems or run towards more problems. But I  just sit there stuck because either way there are problems. Why is he still my comfort, why does he make me smile. Why aren’t these the same guy. Why the hell can I not be happy? Why can’t I do this? I feel like I am always at check and just waiting to hear checkmate but it never comes. Every day is different but I feel the same way.

I haven't seen you in two years
We haven't talked for a year and some months
Everything ended so badly
I had convinced myself that I was over you
But when you saw me, you asked to talk
I said Okay
Than that phrase, I'm sorry
You said I miss you and I still love you
My heart melted and I caved
We're talking again and I feel happy
Part of me thinks I'm making a mistake
The other part thinks we might work out

One day
That’s all it takes
To know who is the one
For me, my mind knew from one day
My heart didn’t trust my mind at first
My body wanted it to be true
My heart hoped it wasn’t
But a couple more months it knew
My heart now hopes he is the one
He’s sweet, loving, caring and, gentle
And I’m happy
He is different then all the other guys
And he is mine and I don’t plan on letting go
My mind knew what the heart didn’t want to accept

I never knew what true love was until I met you
When I first saw you I knew that I loved you more than I ever thought I would
Most people probably think I'm talking about that one dream guy when in reality I'm talking about my little sister
She is the reason why I'm alive I need to stay strong for her and she is 16 years younger than me and has my heart already

Sometimes I feel like I'm too damaged to be loved. If I don't love myself no one will. I just want to fall in love and not overthink it and feel like they will leave over my imperfections. They will run away right when I need them the most. Why am I ever enough? Why will no one help me?

I read the text and then blocked you
then I picked up a blade and put it to my wrist
I see my phone ringing its my sister
I pick up and set down the blade
I picked a marker and made the lines on my arm
the lines i was going to make with you
Maybe a different day

We all have our way of destroying ourselves
Some people take a blade to their bodies
Others make themselves feel numb with drugs
For me, I took my head and lightly hit it against the wall
or my nails to my skin till I would bleed

I never realized how important time was until
you left me and then i realized
i lost 2 years of my life fighting a one sided fight.
You didnt care. You never fought. Then i wasted another couple months crying for someones love that was never mine.
I never again will stay when i feel like im fighting alone.
I want to spend my time traveling and loving life not crying over a person

Abandonment thats what mom says you did to her and me and my sister
I was 15 and you left to move 11 hours away to live with her
Why. She is better then us
I thought you loved us
Now shes pregnant.
Are you replacing me???
I thought I was your baby?
Were we not enough?

Today,
I found out you moved on,
I realized how little you actually loved me.
How little I meant to you
I was doing fine till today
When i seen the post, i tried to hold in the tears
But i couldn't help it. I started to cry,
To be honest I don’t know why
I don’t want to be with you,
But i guess I still love you
Why though why do I love someone  who hurt me so much
How could someone who lied so much
Still have a part of me
But Also today
I realized I need to love myself
I am the only one who can full the hole inside of me
I need to love myself before I try yo love anyone else
I realized I don't need you
You do not determine my worth
All I need is Myself

One day you might be torn apart. life might be falling around you and you just sit there holding it all in because it's all you can do. you are waiting for the floor to fall from under you and it hurts so much to keep quiet to not want to bother others because you know they have problems of their own and you know that someone cares but you don't know who and you feel all alone even in a room full of people. you feel like an outcast and you act like everyone else you act like life isn’t killing you. you tell everyone it's okay. you are fine but you know if they make eye contact. you will break. you will cry in front of someone, so you avoid eye contact no matter what. you can not show how hurt you are. no one will understand. they probably don't even care. Just hold it all in and hopefully it will just disappear.