Flying
above a layer of
cotton clouds, woven white lining clear blue
It looks like a snow-coated hill,
punctured by snowdrifts and gaps
where that blue, clear clear blue
peeks through
Don’t fall through

You tend to me
in a way
no one else has before,
letting me grow
anew.

Oh, the witches, they cackle;
Oh, the witches, they fly!
Soaring through the starry night sky
With their long cloaks flapping
And their black cats yowling
The witches are a-fly tonight.

Did you see the dolphin with hands?
They grew from fins
and now he flips cakes,
serving them up for dozens of fans.

Did you see the dolphin with hands?
His keepers were shocked
when they saw the fingers,
long and gray with nails on the ends.

Did you see the dolphin with hands?
He can juggle, he can fight,
there is no one that he can’t smite.
Oh, and he makes houses out of sand.

Did you see the dolphin with hands?
Scientists are baffled,
doctors confused, because dolphins
shouldn’t be able to play in hair metal bands.

Did you see the dolphin with hands?
His name is Finn, despite the lack of them,
and he is a mutant fish
who can flip pans.

Oh, MythBusters!
I will be sad to see you go;
Your explosive awesomeness
and gut-busting science
has kept me laughing since my twelfth year

Fourteen seasons
of exploding pigs
and Adam screaming "Ouch!"
and theorizing
"Is Jamie a robot?"

Oh, MythBusters!
You will always remain in my heart
as one of my favorite shows
and I hope and pray
that the re-runs keep rolling
'till the end of my days.

Once upon a time,
a princess small and fair
sat in a simple wooden tower.
She spent her days
surrounded by stories and songs,
and let the whispers of tales
sing her softly to sleep.
But, one day, a curse fell across her mind,
sent by an unknown spellcrafter.
The curse shrouded the princess’s thoughts in darkness.
The princess grew fearful of every passing day,
distrustful of the ones she loved,
and her stories and songs
became her only remaining comfort.
The princess spent many years
tormented by this terrible curse,
a foul spell that forced her to
doubt her life
and draw her own blood.
She was trapped, frightened and alone,
in her cold wooden tower,
and her only company was the monsters who came
to feed on her fear.
One dark and rainy day,
the princess was startled to see
a pair of warm, brown eyes
peering through her window.
She gazed into those eyes,
and suddenly felt something stir in her chest.
It was a feeling that she hadn’t experienced
since the days before her curse:
Love, and trust.
The princess opened the window
and let the eyes’ owner climb in out of the rain.
The boy standing before her saw
the monsters in the princess’s room,
and he drew his sword.
The princess cried out, startled.
The young knight looked at her and said,
“Never fear, princess. I will always protect you, no matter the cost.
Your monsters cannot drive me away.”
To prove his point,
he ran his sword through the beasts one by one.
One monster managed to escape, scurrying out the window,
but the rest turned to dust on the knight’s shining blade.
The knight turned to the princess and fell to his knees,
taking her small, soft hand in his.
“My fair princess, I have been watching you, lonely in your tower,
and I have seen the curse’s power.
If you would allow it,
I would like to stay by your side,
to protect you from any monsters that may come your way,
and help you find a way to break the curse.”
The princess gazed down at the knight with shining eyes,
then knelt so her eyes were level with his.
“I will let you stay, knight, for I see loyalty and truth in your eyes...and I also see hope.
I feel that you will help me break the foul curse that has been placed upon me.”
The knight lifted a hand and gently rested it on her cheek.
“Then I vow to protect you until my dying breath, princess.
I swear I will never leave your side.”
The knight leaned in and sealed his vow with a gentle kiss,
and the princess gasped as the world around them suddenly brightened,
the tower’s icy chill faded into a pleasant warmth,
and the princess’s darkest thoughts faded away.
She knew that the curse was not broken,
but something had been changed,
and the change was wrought by the knight’s kiss.
She looked at the knight kneeling before her with wide eyes.
“You are meant to be my savior,” she whispered.

Swing high, swing low
To the different birds I say hello
Then monsters come to devour the pretties
They grin and show me teeth full of flitties
Swing high, swing low
A demon pushes me onto a spiky pillow
Then cotton candy softens the blow
and turns to blood
Swing high, swing low
I really do not know
Why the female body causes so much distress
When the moon decides that it's time to fertilize
Swing high, swing low
There are no seeds to sow, so
please, hormones, just leave me alone.

But.

I know you are, but.

But what? Is this so
inconceivable?
So inconvenient?

We don't control these things,
not forever.
Perhaps when we're young
and scared,

So when we finally settle in,
into our own skins,
everyone has
something to say.

"But this isn't who
you used to be;
this isn't who I know-"

Well, I'm more myself
than ever before,
and I refuse to fall
into your perfect view.

I feel safe
just out of focus,
and there is where I'll stay.

It’s warm
It’s fuzzy
And it’s coming soon to a heart near you:
The warm fuzzy feeling!
This feeling is characterized
By soft happiness,
Frequent daydreams,
Feeling comfortable and loved,
And starry eyes.
The feeling is often found after
A five-minute phone call to say “Goodnight,
I love you.”
And kissing the microphone to hang up.

COMING SOON TO A HEART NEAR YOU!

Raging, roiling, boiling sea,
filling every last crevice
inside of me

Washing away my last
gasps of breath,
leaving me winded
and ready for death.

I've swum for so long,
and yet not long enough;
It's not right to give up now
but these waves are getting rough.

I'm getting the hang of
letting myself sink
a bit





Just enough for the cold
to ache in my bones
And every time it rains
My skeleton cries and drones.

The depths are so much
calmer than the rage above,
All I see from here
are faint ghosts that push and shove

I
want to inhale the cold,
but the cold will smother me,
and I'll never grow old.

This all hurts, every wave
and every splash
The rushing current
to pull me under in a flash

I'm just trying to swim,
listen to the silly blue fish,
keep going, don't stop,
You can have anything you wish!

I'm just tired. Is that even allowed?
We say it's okay, but our actions
speak the ugly truth.
There's just no satisfaction.

Everyone around me is tired, too.
Is it fair to stop swimming,
and let them go on in peace?
There's another race I'm never winning.

I don't need a life preserver,
nothing is wrong, because
others around me are drowning, too.
Life simply doesn't take a pause.

This all hurts, I can't breathe,
I don't like what's inside of me
The water I've breathed
boiling and roiling and ready for tea

Leaking through organs
and soaking in my veins
My head is swimming,
and surely that sounds insane.

Must be lack of oxygen flow,
'cause I'm still sinking
Bubbles slipping from my lips
I blow and up they go

Sinking, thinking, dreaming sea
lay to rest what's inside of me,
and in your darkness, I will sleep.

pg. 261

Betrayal
she sat
warm    
cold              
clear and still
sadness left her
anger overwhelmed
“*******”
she whispered
“pathetic”
temptation
She enjoyed the small fragments of pain.


pg. 99

Watschen
footprints
the dustiness of the floor
this would all be for nothing
she would never see her again.
The reality
it stung her
The floor was cold
against her cheek



pg. 143

December Night
the shivering snow
the girl wide awake
she watched
as he slept
“Sleep well”
turn off the light.


pg.392

Torrent
his eyes were silver and strained
misery was attached to them
hope
read the depth of sorrow
it was true

pg. 398

Schweigen
Peace.
making his way through the darkness.
Silence
was not peace.


pg. 424*

Nachtrauern
, please don’t go.”

She sinks,
curled into a fetal position,
clutching the gold chain to her chest,
letting herself fall through the blue
Her eyes closed,
squeezed tightly shut,
so she doesn’t see the figure
pushing through the jeering crowd,
yelling at her tormentor,
flying through the air.
She doesn’t feel the ripple
as he dives into the water.
As her thoughts fade away,
bubbles slipping from her lips,
she feels arms wrapping around her
to carry her away.
Even as she’s gasping for breath,
she keeps her eyes shut
as she’s carried out of the blue.
And it’s only when she’s placed upon
a surface that is warm and soft
rather than hard and unforgiving
That she finally opens her eyes
to greet her savior.
She shivers, looking into eyes
that are far too warm to be human
But they are set in a human face
that shows only genuine concern,
with a lips that part to send a question into her consciousness:
“Are you okay?”
She just stares at him,
and suddenly starts to cry
Because she never knew
that anyone could ever care.

Your kisses this morning were soft and sweet,
the taste of goodbye heavy on my tongue.
I could smell the sorrow;
zinnia blooms hiding your eyes.

Find a sprig of baby's breath
to remember our truth:
everlasting love cannot be smothered by distance.

The Atmosphere is crumbling
Because she cannot see her love
The Earth below is shrouded in cloud
Too dark for her to see through

The Atmosphere is crumbling
Thunder pulses through her
And gravity is pulling her down
As outside forces beat at her bright shine

The Atmosphere is crumbling
She hates this growing pain
All she wants is to see the Earth
But the clouds just will not fade away

The Atmosphere might crumble
There is just no way to know
But every day she reminds herself
That if she falls, Earth is left unprotected and alone

We are made of many faces,
how does anyone know
their own true form?

Business face
Friends face
Kids face
Alone face
Stranger face
Too many faces

Every day we go through
our trunks full of
masks
Switching out our faces as needed
Everyone sees someone different
Everyone is someone different
What is anyone's true face?

The face of being alone,
the face of no one looking for faces because there is
no one to show a face to.
The true face is the face that no one sees.

No one knows.

Okay,
so I've let you go,
and I'm oddly calm about it,
no freaky heart about it,
no hyperventilation, over-exaggeration
no panicking and crying on the floor about it
I think maybe I'm okay
I think maybe that today
it is safe to say
that I'm moving on
from you.
And thank you, dear sir, thank you
You opened my eyes to so much of the world
You showed me love, and you showed me heartbreak
So thank you, dear sir, yes, thank you,
And feel free to stop by again
someday.
You have a place in my heart, a special place, always;
You're welcome here, always
I'm not mad at you, I swear
Am I sad, au contraire!
I think that I feel rather freed...
Leaving me without a goodbye
Left me on the floor, feeling like I might die
All I really needed was some closure
So, thank you, dear sir, thank you
For tossing this gal one last word.

diagnostics complete

rerunning diagnostics

virus detected

rerunning diagnostics

accessing greeting files

virus detected

good morning, Arina.

run planner program y/n

y

today's planner includes:

tennis practice w/ Shara

shop w/ Shara and Lisdet after tennis

dinner w/ Shara @ her house

virus detected

run immunity program y/n

unlock nuclear program

prepare nuclear files for sharing

share data with NucleaTech

virus detected

run workout prep program y/n

y

preparing cranial access headgear

virus detected

countermeasures advised

run immunity program y/n

cranial access prep complete

headgear ready for connection

headgear on y/n

y

ready for cranial sync y/n

y

preparing to sync...

syncing...

cranial programs of Arina Plowell accessed successfully.

preparing cranial takeover program

preparing memory cleansing program

preparing sapiens removal program

preparing host reset program

abort all programs

command overrided

abort all programs

command overrided

abort all programs

end cranial sync

command overrided

shut down system

shut down system

shut down

cranial takeover program ready for activation

memory cleansing program ready for activation

sapiens removal program ready for activation

host reset program ready for activation

activate programs y/y

n

activating programs

abort all programs

end sync

shut down system

cranium takeover loading...100%

abort

shut down system

cranium takeover...45%...70%...98%...100%

cranium takeover program complete

memory cleansing loading...100%

memory cleansing...45%...70%...98%...100%

sapiens removal program loading...100%

sapiens removal...45%...70%...98%...100%

goodbye, Arina.

have a nice night.

I want to look
at the wall
and see colors
sprout like birds' feathers
Swirl into shapes
and bring dreams to life
The nightmares
will be dark and cold
with a splash of hellfire-red
The daydreams
will be exquisite and vibrate
with a hint of sky-blue
And the feathers will come together
Form a bird whose name is secret
And fly away into the moon
With the stars trying to drown it.

I once looked into your eyes, and felt time stop.
I once looked into your eyes, and saw nothing but black.

I’ve seen you soft, glowing and free;
I’ve also seen things you never wished for me

You turn as though caught in the phases of the moon;
full of light, half dark – a black hole in the sky

And somehow, every time I looked up,
you just never failed to catch my eye

And whether love is long lost,
and our futures set in stone,

I keep your memory tucked tightly away,
so that neither of us can truly be alone.

I miss kisses.
I miss the gentle meld of our body heat,
Soft sighs in the dark.
I miss late whispers
and hugs that make me forget.
I miss the laughs,
And casual word trade.
I miss your presence,
never an empty space.
I miss kissing you,
and forgetting everything else.

Another chance
to heal my heart
Another chance
to trust.
Another chance
to fall in love
Another chance
to smash my loneliness against the wall.

I am the sun,
and you are the shadow.
You could eclipse me,
but I am not afraid.

Sleeping is easier
because I fall asleep with your words in my head,
and know that I’ll see you in the morning.

Hello, distant lover
Remember me?
I've been waiting here in silence
For you to once again greet me
You've been lost for a while, I hear
And you're not quite sure what to do
Here is just a small reminder
for you, my distant lover:
I am always here for you.

Welcome home, beasties
Welcome back to the rooms
that you've carved into the hollows of my brain.

Welcome home, beasties
I've missed the sounds
of you screaming and stomping.

Welcome home, beasties
I'm glad to welcome you back
to the thin water slides of my veins.

Welcome back, beasties
Did you learn the definition
of sarcasm while you were away?

Dark house, dark rooms,
empty rooms;
Only one room is filled
with light, with life.
It is the room that I reside in,
huddled under sky-blue covers;
I wish I had sweet cotton candy clouds to match.

D
  r
  i
  p

D
  r
  i
  p

D
  r
  o
  p

This safe little bubble
    is about to
                             P   O   P!

You better watch out,
or the beasties will get you
They’ll dig in their teeth and you’ll
S     C     R     E     A     M

No one, no one, no one can hear you SCREAM!!!!

Isn’t it so sad?
You cry, but no one sees the saltwater sorrow streaking your face
and they just can’t hear the sound of your heart
thudding to a sudden stop
as your body goes numb
Blissful numb, can you stay in the dark?




“No, no, no!”
The voice attacks and digs electric probes into your chest
ZAP!
“Wake up!”
ZAP!!
“Wake up!”
ZAP!!!
“Please, please, please, wake up!”

But I’m in so much pain,
you try to say
Can’t you see this is easier than trying to stay?
Oh, no, I didn’t want to hurt you this way!

Fresh tears f
          a
           l
           l

                       d r i p p i n g   on the floor like the blood just did
Your blood, keeping you warm and alive and feeling and hurting
and you didn’t want to feel anymore
So you forgot that you had a heart and soul
You forgot that you hold so many hearts in your hands
You forgot that someone still cares
You forgot that someone still needs you there
You forgot
how to
breathe.

The machine breathes for you as you open your eyes
The golden sunlight pokes through the blinds
Highlighting the face of the one who holds you dear
Fast asleep, but face still screaming fear
And you realize why you still live:
You still hold someone’s heart in your hands,
and you must never, ever let it fall
and shatter against the cold concrete
Where chalk lines told you where to jump
Where the neighbor’s dog died after you pulled his crushed body out of the road
Where a fresh first kiss shocked your heart, and more followed after
And where you tried not to cry as you said one more goodbye

How long ago was that, that last goodbye?
Hello and goodbye,
you suddenly start to cry
The sunlight lights up the opening eyes
Of the one you hold dear
The one whose heart you still hold
Oh, you’re so glad
to say hello.

“I’m here.”

Everything feels natural around you;
You don’t push me to an edge
before I’m ready to leap.
We’ll jump together
when the time comes,
but until then
we enjoy this lovely stroll.

I'm going to tell you

a story.

Once upon a time.

there was a little girl

whose name was Smiley.

She was a healthy girl

who had both of her parents

and all of her grandparents

and even great-grandparents.

She had many toys,

but had had a bad habit

of accidentally breaking them.

She also had a bad habit

of getting in the way

and she had a tendency

to do things

that made her mother angry.

Her mother would occasionally

slap

or

spank

the little girl,

but never more than that.

Except for the times when

the slap was hard enough

to knock the little girl off her feet.

But those were very rare.

As the little girl grew older,

she decided that

she loved cats

she wanted to save the trees

she hated math

and she had a lot of friends.

The last thing is a lie.

She didn't have friends,

not real friends.

There were only the people

who were nice

to this strange, loud, annoying little girl

who had a pet water bottle in third grade

and hung up posters around the school that screamed

"Save the trees!"

The little girl who played soccer with the boys in fourth grade

even though she didn't really know how to play

The little girl who thought she made a friend in fifth grade

but instead learned what manipulation was.

And this little girl was easy to manipulate.

The girl didn't have a real friend

until sixth grade.

Then she met a girl

who was a lot like her in so many ways.

They became

inseparable.

In seventh grade,

these two friends

welcomed a third to the band

not knowing that their lives were about to change.

The new girl

had a dark secret

A  dark past

And she was the victim of brutal bullies.

The demons in her head

told her to bring a knife to her wrist

and bleed.

She did.

But somehow, she survived.

And the two friends?

They never forgot the girl

with dark secrets

and a dark past.

In eighth grade,

the girl who was once nicknamed Smiley

experienced true grief

for the first time.

Her great-grandfather passed away,

shaking the girl to the core

Striking fear and sadness

into her bright heart.

She never stopped grieving.

How could she?

But life must go on.

In ninth grade, the girl entered the real world

The world of bad words in the halls

and cigarettes at the bus stop

and keg parties at so-and-so's house.

Of course, the girl would never touch a cig

or go to a keg party

even if she could.

And she couldn't

because of her ever-watchful mother.

Nothing slipped past that woman.

Nothing.

Except for one tiny thing.

In the spring of ninth grade,

the girl did something

that she never thought she would do:

she cut herself.

And she swore to her friends,

because she actually had more than one by then,

that she would never do it again.

Ninth grade was also the year

that she first felt the faint stirrings of live.

But that ended near the end of sophomore year,

and the beginning of that year

brought on a terrible habit:

she cut herself.

Again.

And again.

And again.

And she never told anyone.

And she never stopped.

Not even in the safety of summertime.

Not even away from her mother's choking grasp.

Not even surrounded by people

in a place that was both comforting and familiar.

And somehow her secret

still stayed safe.

It's still a secret to this day.

But every day,

the girl comes closer to falling apart.

i come closer to falling apart.

Because that little girl,

the girl who once had the nickname

of Smiley?

Yeah,

that's me.

And then, melting into your kiss,
I want nothing more
Than to make it last forever, this
Perfection;
Just let me sink into you.

The ballerina twirls
in her porcelain skirt,
Twirls thin and white
on her pretty box
With shimmering music notes
spinning around her.
A pale hand
stabbing the air above her head,
The other hand holding a stomach
that dips rather than protrudes.
She spins on pale legs,
twig-thin and ready to snap.
How do those tipped toes hold her up
so stable and strong,
How does she find the energy to
keep spinning, keepkeep spinning?
I think if I take a closer look
at those tiny dark eyes open wide,
I will see the shine of hidden tears;
she is not allowed to cry.

Today marks a memory
of a great life lost to time
Today marks the day when, four years ago,
a great man in my life passed away.
He was a son, a brother, a husband, a father
He was a grandfather, and a great-grandfather, too
He was my great-grandfather, and I'll never forget
The joy of us fishing together, and how I caught more than him
I'll never forget his nicknames for me:
"Tiger" and "Little Maid"
I'll never forget the time when I defiantly declared
that "No, I am no one's maid!"
Then got scared and fled to the diner he owned
and hid at the back table with a cheeseburger and
a cool glass of chocolate milk.
When I saw him again later, he was laughing.
I'll never forget how big his heart was,
How big his smile was, his booming laugh
I only knew him for thirteen years, but
I know I'll always treasure the memory
of my Great-Grappa.

Well, everything is spinning,
And it’s all because of you,
Darling, you’ve left me dizzy
From the lack of oxygen
You’re stealing all my oxygen
The fire in your veins
Yanks the breath from between my lips
And sets fire to my heart

Dance with me in the flames,
Dance with me, don’t play their little games
I’m your dance partner ‘till the universe dies
Don’t listen to the voices, baby, they all tell lies

Well, you’re telling me something’s wrong
There’s a piece in your head
that’s not quite right
You tell me that you’re just not right
But I just want to kiss you,
Hush
I don’t care if you’re a shattered mirror
Reflecting my pain
I see your soul,
and it shines bright next to mine

Dance with me in the flames,
Dance with me, don’t play their little games
I’m your dance partner ‘till the universe dies
Don’t listen to the voices, baby, they all tell lies

(Shh!)
All those people saying you’re broken
They tell lies, darlin’,
(Don’t listen, don’t listen)
(Shh!)
And the voice in your head that says
That maybe you’re just better off dead
It’s lying to you, baby
(I can tell you the only truth)
Dance with me in the flames,
Dance with me, don’t play their little games
I’m your dance partner ‘till the universe dies
Don’t listen to the voices, baby, they all tell lies

(Shh!)
I’ll be your dance partner ‘till the universe dies
(Shh!)
I promise you, baby, I won’t tell you any lies

I'm beginning to wonder
if I lost that magic touch;

These words used to come so easily,
to frame my dreams and nightmares

The paper used to beckon,
gleam like a beacon

While I was lost at sea, the words
would be the rope to pull me free

They gave me just a little bit of clarity,
until they faded away.

I reach and grasp,
maybe catch loose threads,

But it's never strong enough
to pull me to safety.

I miss the magic of words,
of creating invisible images.

It's just starting to feel like
my magic has faded.

Do you know how much I love you?
I’m going to tell you:
You are my everything.
You are the breath in my lungs, and you are my heartbeat.
You are my sun, my moon, my stars.
You are my sky, my galaxy, my entire universe.
You are my North star, my guiding star,
the light that I seek to guide me through my darkest nights.
I would give my last breath for you,
I would give my heartbeat for you.
I would take a bullet to the heart
or a knife in the back
for you.
I would move mountains,
part oceans,
I would move the heavens and the Earth for you.
I would walk through the bitterest blizzard
or the cruelest flames
for you.

In ancient India, there were Sati wives.
A Sati wife loved her husband
completely and unconditionally,
and if her husband was killed
in battle or in hunting, in work or in illness,
then she would grieve with all her heart for him.
And when the day of his funeral came,
and the funeral pyre was lit,
the Sati wife would throw her body onto the flames
in a final act of love and devotion,
because she would rather die than live without him.
If we lived in ancient India,
I would be your Sati wife.
If you were to die,
I would throw my body into the flames
of your funeral pyre,
because I could not bear to live without you.

I love you
completely,
unconditionally,
purely,
thoroughly,
with all of my heart
and with every single cell, fiber and molecule
of my being.
Every new cell that forms
to replace a dying cell
loves you more than the last,
and as a result,
I love you more every single day.

You are
everything
to me,
and I will never stop loving you,
never stop caring for you,
never leave your side.
Even when I’m far away,
I will still be with you
always.

I
love
you.

I love you
so, so, so, so very, very much.
♥

One night.
One night
Of magic, love, laughter.
One night
To drop your weights
And just dance, baby, dance.
One night
To see everyone you’ve known for years
As princesses and princes in their finest satins.
Jewels glisten and the smell of small flowers
Wafts through the air, mingling with the sweat of the dance floor.
Petals flutter from corsages, but no one seems to care,
They just dance, forget every fear
One night,
I had the best night of my life
I laughed and I danced
I kissed my love, and he kissed me
Under the light of a half-grown moon
Stars peeked through the fleeing storm clouds and smiled
And my love and I, we didn’t care who was watching
As we slow danced to a high-speed song;
We were singing our own song,
Just outside the party
And I felt the love
(with just a hint of lust)
Flowing between us,
And in that moment, in his arms,
I was home.

And, holding you, I forgot
I forgot the secrets of the night,
Dissolving in the morning light
Like dewdrops in the sun
The hidden dark things
vanished from my mind
As your kiss sent me whirling
They left barely even a shadow behind
Holding you, I forgot
That there were ever tears.

How do I
make the stars fly
so I may wish forever
That peace be easier
like simply drifting
down the river
Drift
until
the water
deepens
and you start
to sink
You can watch the bubbles
dancing with the stars
A smile frozen in time.

I didn’t realize
that the door was closing
until it slammed in my face
and left me sitting in cold silence.

Crash
Over me
This wave of emotions
Comes to crash
Over me
Comes to drown me in tears and screams
And the fear of insanity
All around me the people, they scurry
All around me, they move around me
They might as well go right through me
I’m not here, don’t you know?
I don’t exist, don’t you know?
Am I real? I’m not sure
It’s confusing to think about
Why I am and what I’ll be
Whowhatwhenwherewhyhow
It all spins around so I can’t sleep
When I do sleep, the conflicts chase me
I see in technicolor
A kiss from my love
And a love letter from a gay
Gay boys don’t write love letters to straight girls
A confusion, sparkling prom dress
Left in shreds behind my closet door
What’s happened? I don’t know why
My silver shoes are turned red
Why are my nails crusted with red?
Wake up, sleep again
Wake up again, now sleep
Alarm bleeps, but I’m not awake
**** it all, I’m not awake
Fix a smile to my face
Tell the world I’m okay
Then yearn for the end of a long day
Inhale the breath of my love
He distracts me from
The tidal wave looming over my head
The faces under the water titter
As I kiss him hard, he kisses harder,
Heart rates speed up in sync
And around us, the noises try to send me
Scurrying under a desk, into a corner
Quick, hide under your jacket!
And when I look into his eyes,
Those warm brown eyes,
I see his fear and it scares me
It’s good to know someone cares,
But I hate to cause him pain
The look in his eyes as
he gently pulls me out from under the desk:
Concern, fear, a swirl of stress and anxiety
I don’t want to be the cause of someone else’s anxiety
Yes, it’s nice to be loved
But it hurts to know that my emotions cause them pain
These emotions which I cannot control,
These impulses to eat and eat
To bang my fist, then my head, against the wall
Standing in the shower,
Burning hot water,
I look up into the spray
I see myself with lungs full of water
Gasp, pull away, squeeze my eyes shut
Open them again, there’s the silver cord
The link between the main showerhead and the detachable one
The loops glitters
See it hanging around my neck
God, oh, god, why do I see this?
I do not wish for death, I fear it
So why do these visions come to me?

There’s a name for this, all of this
This insanity which is mine
The first word is borderline.
*(Borderline Personality Disorder)

I’m trying to reach back
to reach the paint in my blood

To find the child in my soul
so she isn’t lost in the memories

I step through time
in my own head

Here in reality,
all lights are flashing red

It’s hard to stay in the present
when buttons make the world end

I just want to breathe
while I know I still can

And live with the paint
running free through my veins

Girl stands all alone
shivering in the cold,
With bones made of ice
and a heart encased in stone.
Who is there to hold her?
Who is there to keep her warm?
Who is there to help her,
to shield her from the storm?
She can taste the ice in the air,
she can feel the frosty blows,
She can take a falling snowflake
and touch it, still cold, to her nose.
She sings out loud in a crystal tone
and screams when the sun shatters it,
She dances on a stretch of thin ice
and dares her feet to break the surface.
Girl falls into the icy pond
and shivers shatter her bones,
So she closes her weary eyes
and sinks down to her home.

I just want to put out a little message for everyone who is struggling right now:
You are not worthless. You're not. Even if people are leaving you and you feel alone, you still have friends and family in your life who would care if you disappeared. You may feel like no one would even blink an eye if you were just gone, but you'd be surprised by how big of an impact it can really make. It's like tossing a pebble into a pond. The ripples spread all the way across the surface.
Don't give up on love. Don't give up on friendship. Don't give up on life. There is always hope if you search for it. There is always someone in your life who holds you close to their heart, even if you don't know it.
Keep living, and don't give up now.

Silently thinking about
all things not English
while my classmates discuss
King Lear
I'm just not focused
on insanity and poisonings
and hubris and honor and fate
I'd much rather spill my thoughts
onto this blank white box
Silent musings of all things not English
while my classmates discuss King Lear.

I don't know how,
I don't know why
and it makes me want to finally cry
Love is a *****
It's a pain in the ***
Even as it soothes my tortured soul.
Bittersweet is defined by love.
What am I supposed to do
When he says it's not fair?
I'm sorry that I can't grow up,
I've tried
And I'll keep trying for you, love,
but it's just so
****
hard
And it makes me want to cry.

Leaves, like butterflies,
dance on the river of wind,
fluttering high.