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(1)
Gentle
(2)
strokes
(3)
Golden
(4)
strands
(5)
Smooth
(6)
the tangles
(7)
away
(8)
As
(9)
the sun
(10)
betrays
(11)
the day
(12)
Eyes
(13)
shut
(14)
tight
(15)
Mind
(16)
flown
(17)
away­
(18)
Soul
(19)
mate’s
(20)
kiss
(21)
will
(22)
save
(23)
the day
(24)
Hush
(25)
little
(26)
demons
(27)
I’m not
(28)
listening
(29)
to you
(30)
today
(31)
As
(32)
golden
(33)
strands
(34)
are soothed
(35)
My
(36)
thoughts
(37)
slip
(38)
away
(39)
Already
(40)
dreaming
(41)
of the
(42)
next
(43)
day
(44)
The light
(45)
reveals
(46)
the scars
(47)
of yesterday
(48)
but I
(49)
just
(50)
smile
(51)
Because
(52)
I
(53)
bore
(54)
the
(55­)
pain
(56)
and I
(57)
survived
(58)
to love
(59)
another
(60)
day
(61)
I save
(62)
my
(63)
kiss
(64)
for someone
(65)
who
(66)
deserves it
(67)
not for
(68)
someone
(69)
who
(70)
will
(71)
only
(72)
bring
(73)
me
­(74)
more
(75)
pain
(76)
So
(77)
go
(78)
away
(79)
ghosts
(80)
I have
(81)
found
(82)
my
(83)
soul
(84)
mate
(85)
and
(86)
he
(87)
has
(88)
­found
(89)
me
(90)
As the
(91)
day
(92)
fades
(93)
gentle
(94)
brushstrokes
(95)
send
(­96)
me
(97)
blissfully
(98)
to
(99)
sleep.
(100)

Moonlight shimmering
on the diamond snow

Lamplight piercing
a teardrop

A chest buzzing with
emotions unknown

I cannot close my eyes
for I am stuck here

I can’t focus, I can’t think,
I can’t hear anything over

The ringing in my ears—
when did that start?

I just want to sleep but
there’s too much noise

In the silence of post midnight
as I lie alone with emptiness

Filling my soul and numbing
my heart again, no, why

Must this happen now when
I need to be strong for

The future and the now and
the hope of better things

I inhale stale breath and
exhale false dreams

I lie in a nest of sorrow
and the feathers of broken wings

I would love to try and fly
but the world holds me back

So I lie here trapped under
Plath’s bell jar, suffocating

Let me breathe, let me love,
let me be warm again

******,
I can’t hold on to anything

Everyone keeps running away,
leaving me to suffer—

No wonder I’m so scared
of being left behind

Where am I even going?
I can’t see my future

I can’t remember my past,
everything is different now.

1:19 am.
I should be sleeping but instead
I’m letting the words fly out
of my head.

BLOCK
my thoughts
FREEZE
my ink
STOP
my brain
so I can’t think
WRITER’S BLOCK

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Another heart gives up, another soul gives in
Another body falls and their blood runs thin
spreading in lines through a grand school
tapping the toes of the wise and the fool
opens their eyes, makes them look behind
a mask woven from lies
And everyone denies
There is no way it could have been a suicide.
Don't be so sure, do you know what was inside?
She was hurt, she was broken, she was tired of losing hope
And when no one noticed and no one cared she cut the biggest rope
We felt it. We felt the disconnection, do you know that, Abigail? We felt you when you left. We noticed and we cared, but you couldn't see because we couldn't see
that you were drowning in a great, oily sea. You didn't know who to be, so here comes
nobody alive.
We felt it when you took the dive.
We stained the ocean with sorrow-blue tears, we shoved away the worst of our fears,
we denied and we cried and we sighed and we said
"There's just no way that she could be dead!"
How could a soul made of a kindess, a soul so bright,
suddenly just lose all of its light? How could a heart stop beating when it was so big and warm?

Our hearts beat for you, Abigail. We won't forget, you're alive here in us. You're not quite gone, even if there is an empty seat on the bus. We cannot know, we cannot say, how much pain you went through before the day. But we know for fact, yes, we know we can say, that you will be remembered for the rest of our days.

Sometimes it's necessary to disappoint your loved ones in order to achieve happiness. Just don't harm yourself. That would be going to far. But wearing the clothes and making the art and just being you....that is OK. It's you, and no one should try to deny it.
It is hard to deal with the pressure of being stuck between worlds, but you can't let someone stuff you into a white box of plastic. You have to break free and show your true colors...or, in this case, darkness.
The ones you love will rebel. They may beg and they may cry, they may say that they're afraid you'll die, but they have to accept you for you, and if they don't then how can they say that they love you? What they love now is not the true you. They love a plastic robot who is struggling to keep the foam smile from falling off of his face.
They need to accept you for who you really are.

Lying in a dark cloud,
an emotionless void,
I am suddenly reminded
of why I was so addicted
to the blade’s bite:
It was a distraction,
the pain was, and it
reminded me that I was
alive.

There’s a warmth
slowly building
deep in my heart.
Every time I look at you,
every time we touch,
I feel it,
so close to becoming
a flame.

Wishing on an eyelash, on
a star, on
a candle
Wishing on fragility
A breakable thing, a
fly-away thing, a
blow-out thing
Wishing for a dream, a
promise, a
love
Wishing for for better things,
Impossible things,
fairy wings,
magic
Wishing is fragile,
breakable,
something to be lost,
Floating
Wishing is hoping,
and hope is
what saves us

My heart feels like

it

will

explode.

I am trembling

vibrating

quaking.

I am

afraid

panicked

living

in fear.

I am always

afraid.

It’s happening again,
the desperate urge to write
and not knowing what to write
a poem
or a love letter
or maybe a mix of both
I’m not panicking
(yet),
but I am afraid
because I can hear them whispering again
I can feel their claws scratching at the walls
the walls that he helped me build
and he isn’t here right now
to send them away
He isn’t here right now
to save the day
so I guess I’m here alone
for now
dreaming of his face to be seen a week
from now
I’m trying to stay strong for him
right now
Because a few more days a fighting won’t **** me
when I know that he’s waiting
in a purple-lined hallway
and I know that soon I will be safe.

I'm not inside anymore...
you've shut me out and locked the door
I can't see you anymore...
the  walls are higher than before
I don't think I know you anymore...
It feels like all of it was faerie lore
I remember when your kiss woke me
and you gave me light so I could see
But now I'm back in the dark
and there's nothing I can do
I'm just sitting against the door,
waiting for you.

If a girl falls in an empty house
with death rolling through her veins,
does she make a sound?
Does anyone hear the last breath,
has anyone seen her frown?
Who saw the pain that hid behind her eyes,
who saw the darkness within?
Is there anyone who knew
that her happiness flew
far away, far away,
so that the gray
took over?
A girl fell in an empty house,
with death rolling through her veins.
She didn't make a sound,
but the impact was profound
Her absence has hit hearts all around.

I'll admit,
I hunger for attention -
but I avoid the spotlight for fear of
embarrassment.
I crave acknowledgment,
a mild fame,
but then I shy away.

No one ever notices.

I’ve been floating aimlessly
in a dark and icy sea,
waiting, just waiting,
for life to make something
out of me.

I thought
that maybe
I could find
myself
again,
but I'm still so aimless.

Fingers up,
grasping at bubbles;

Why do I always
fight for air?

I am told that the pain I feel is
a l l  i n  m y  h e a d
but then why does my heart
feel like it's about to explode
and my chest hurts with a pain that is
undoubtedly physical
Tears keep threatening to pour out of my eyes
And I am afraid.

I can't decide
what I am anymore
Happy? Sad?
Drifting
in the middle
My nose is above the surface
while my mouth keeps swallowing the waves
So that I'm almost drowning
Almost breathing.

The pleasure...is good. It is wild, and bright.
But...not the same. Not something to write in the stars, not
something that blazes across my skin,
why?
Why is it different?
Almost gray...

Lingering in the arms of my love,
Ears ringing from the noise of youth,
I realize how much I secretly yearn
for the solitude of the week-end.

He still remembers you, Tom does.
He remembers the last time he saw you, remembers the moonlight illuminating your face.
You were always radiant, he says, but that night you lit up the universe.
He weaves a tapestry of your face, words strung delicately together to reveal:
Eyes of the softest doe-brown, deer-in-the-headlights wide
Dark silk strands, curling and tumbling perfectly around
A sweet face, heart-shaped and smooth skinned, porcelain skin
Soft, soft lips, perfectly pink and delicious

I am envious of the care that goes into creating this tapestry of memories, of moonlit faces and delicious pink lips.
Will he one day weave
a tapestry in my honor?
Or will I be the one
    who weaves a warm blanket of everlasting love
        for us to share forever?

Ah, former lover, I cannot help but be green,
for it seems that you still have Tom’s poor heart
caught in your claws.

He remembers you sadly, longing for you even as he holds me close,
dreaming of you even as he sleeps with
his head nestled on my shoulder.

His heart is vanished from his chest,
and that is why he sounds so hollow
when he tells me, “I love you.”

I want that heart, I will take it from you,
and give it back to Tom, to whom it belongs,
and leave the fate of his love
in his own hands.

I want to dive
back into the abyss,
I'm just done with this
silly little thing we call life.

I think I need to float
awhile, letting the cold
seep into my bones and mind.

Numb, silent, forgetting;
This shouldn't be so
welcoming, the darkest
place of my mind.

I suppose that's the guise
to draw you in,
the siren song to make you
                                                   drown.

I'm drowning,
filling with saltwater,
don't you see the leak?
Doesn't it shimmer just
beneath my eyelids?

Flooded windows are so
blurry and difficult
to peer through. Can you
even see more than silhouette?

I want to drag my fingertips
through the surface
as I fall under, so I can
feel like the drowning woman
in a sad, dramatic film.

Is there a piano solo
for my sinking?
Deep, delving notes
chasing
me
down,
drifting in the currents' pull.


Don't pull me up,
don't touch the freezing fingers
as they stretch to feel the wind

The storm toils above me,
but I've already drowned.

I never ceased to be amazed
by the power of our love,
by the gentlest caress,
by the sweetest kiss.

I’m still so baffled
as to how this is happening
as to how I’m so lucky
as to how this is even real.

And I swear, oh, I swear,
my love for grows every day
my love for you will never die away
my love for you is here to stay.

A strange word, but it fits

how I feel

I cannot control

The shivering of my heart

The fire in my blood

The whispers in my head

Screaming for sweet silver and red

Everything inside me runs

Amok.

If I am to become a famous poet
like Plath or Poe
I ask that you do not tear apart my poems
to find a secret meaning
Read them as they are
Enjoy them for their present message.

I just want to put out a little message for everyone who is struggling right now:
You are not worthless. You're not. Even if people are leaving you and you feel alone, you still have friends and family in your life who would care if you disappeared. You may feel like no one would even blink an eye if you were just gone, but you'd be surprised by how big of an impact it can really make. It's like tossing a pebble into a pond. The ripples spread all the way across the surface.
Don't give up on love. Don't give up on friendship. Don't give up on life. There is always hope if you search for it. There is always someone in your life who holds you close to their heart, even if you don't know it.
Keep living, and don't give up now.

The first thing I see
Is the butterfly,
With cat’s eyes on her wings.
She dances ballet with the breeze,
Never missing a beat.
I blink.
The air shatters.
A bird with wings lined in fire
Interrupts the dance,
Scoops the butterfly
Into his beak.
The wind is left sobbing alone,
Littering my face with crystalline grief spots.
I blink.
Talons in my chest,
A glaring orange eye in mine
When I open my eyes
Inside his pupil
I see
My future
Outlined in flames.
I dance with them,
I swallow them,
I kiss them and burn
The flames, they cleanse my soul
The bird shows me
I can only be free with the fire
If I give up my weary heart
I close my eyes,
Feel the gentle tugging
I thought it would hurt
To lose my heart
But I feel only joy
At the weightlessness of my chest
When I’m set free
Then the flames, they take me
Outline the hold in my chest in gold
I scream without fear,
I cry without misery,
I bleed without pain,
I die without an ending.

Anticipate
Let the tension build
A bundle of excitement
lodges in my throat
makes it hard to breathe
But I swallow it again
to make room for my voice
So I can shout your name
when anticipation meets
a present-time happening.

I don’t want to slip away,
Not when I’m with you
But I cannot control this,
This disconnection
The cords snap
Between my head and soul
So that I’m not quite here,
Not quite there
Honestly, I’m not quite
Anywhere
And then you look at me
Ask if I’m okay
You know
there’s something not quite right with me
You feel me slip away
But the me that’s not me lies
And she tells you I’m okay
Even as I drift away
Further and further from the truth of the day
Don’t let me slip away

I'm sorry, mother,
I'm sorry that you're afraid
Of losing me to darker things
Of seeing your greatest dismay

I'm sorry, father,
I'm sorry that I drag you down
That I can't pull myself together
That I always seem to drown

I'm sorry, grandmother,
I'm sorry that I fail you
That I am not the golden child
That I am broken through and through

I'm sorry to all I know,
I'm sorry that I cannot fly
I'm sorry that I cannot win
That I cannot touch the sky.

Do you dare disturb the sleeping spider
nestled in her web?
Do you dare touch the silver strands
to make them shiver and shake?
Do you fear the venom?
Do you fear the bite?

Flower

petals look like paint

Like the clouds opened up and wept

a rainbow

And the colors splashed and became

fragrant

Growing into the earth

Blooming



Lightning

bugs look like dying bulbs

Like that light in the lamp that

flickers

And struggles to stay brigh

and warm

Glowing desperately one last time

Exploding



Autumn

leaves look like flames

Like the trees exploded, every one

flaming

And now they all burn and glow

until death

Flickering fire is now

Dying



Snowflakes

look like broken glass

Like someone smashed a window

in the sky

And we all watch as the shards

fly by

Catching strands of sunlight

Blinding

a heartbeat
the world rushes around us
i pull you to a stop
you turn to face me and
i fall into your embrace,

another heartbeat
and as my cheek rests in the curve of
                                             shoulder and neck
i breathe you in and close my eyes and feel
your arms, tight around me
and there is nothing else

skip a beat
the world is gone
we are the only ones,
you and i,
souls entwined in

a fresh heartbeat
and time moves again*
a brief moment of forever.

Unraveling
Unwinding
The glue falls from the binding
The crimson threads
flow from my head
My wrists, my hands, there is no denying
The inevitable,
The insane
This very inhumane game
Why, I make no sense anymore
Why, I feel no life anymore
Why, I see no light anymore
Why, the voices
Why, the voices,
Why, the voices in my head
They scream
FOREVERMORE
Twisting and writhing,
The tearing of the binding
The pages flutter to the ground
The moths they flutter all around
I think I have gone quite insane
I think that I can touch my brain
Well, why are they running away?
"Hello and goodbye!" is all I want to say!
Gunmetal glinting in the moonlight                                                        ­                                                          
A bang and a flash to light up the night
Oh, my eyes, why can't I see?
Oh, my ears, I cannot seem
To hear the sounds of tormented laughter
The background music that fills my brain
I cannot see the eerie shadows
that shiver and linger and stretch their fingers
To touch me, to grab me, to ****** me away
No! Don't let them take me away!
No! I cannot go today!
No! There is too much for me still to say!
And as I sit and as I wonder
What it would be like wander
Up and down the streets of town
With my thoughts pouring from my mouth
And my ears taped to my knees?
See, I am not making any sense!
I am bibbling, babbling, good and gone and gabbling
I wish to see,
I wish for sight
I wish to not be sick tonight
I wish to be free from the shivering shadows
and whispering screams
I wish to stretch my lips in a smile
that is not insane
It is not insane                                                           ­                                                                 ­                        
I wish to leave this padded cell
I wish to find a place that's home
White picket fence
A cat and a dog
No gunmetal glinting
No flash and bang
No unraveling threads
being pulled from my brain
I wish I may
Yes, I wish for light
I wish to have some sanity tonight
Tonight.

I rarely frequent this place now,
it sits and stares, but remains ignored.
The words don’t come like
they used to do,
They don’t weave the same magic.

Let me take you
into my thoughts,
but I'll warn you only once:
This is dangerous territory,
full of bombs and blood.
Your heart might break a little,
your eyes well with tears,
but don't fear -
I won't let the enemy touch you.

Now, let's start at the home base:
Here you see a little me, hungry and alone.
Not a starving child on the side of the road,
but simply a girl craving attention.
A child sits here, playing with her crayons
and dreaming of more magical things.
She's scared, though,
because there are explosions outside,
and bad men banging on her door,
trying to take her away
and break her.

Moving on to the battlefield,
where the light fights with the dark.
Now, I know that seems cliche,
but it's true -
You can see my happiness in white and gold,
struggling to cut down the gruesome beasts on the other side.
Everything I have to live for
is up against everything that tells me to die.
Quick, get away! The creatures have spotted us!

Okay, we're safe for now.
No, really, we're safe...I promise.
This is my happy place.
Another cliche, I know.
Look around:
It's warm and sunny and full of lilac trees,
and there's a library over there, full of my favorite books.
There are quite a few cats strolling around,
free for the petting.
See? Happy place.
We don't have time to enjoy it,
unfortunately.
We're almost at the most important place here.

My heart.
It's very warm in here, I know.
See all those little golden lights?
Those are all the things that I love, and love me back.
They keep me warm and happy,
even when the dark creatures win a battle.
These are the things that give my protectors strength,
so that they don't lose the war.
They give me hope and comfort when I am curled up
deep in the depths of my mind.
I won't take you there, to the dungeon,
for I am the only one able to enter.
Me, and these little gold lights.

So, now you know what's in here,
what hides inside my skull.
I hope this tour didn't frighten you too much,
I hope you won't run away.

You see, I showed you this because
I have been fighting alone,
and I've grown weary.
I need a helping hand,
someone to support me when I lose my will.
So I hope that you'll stay
Don't say anything,
just stay.

Shaking

Shivering

Trembling

Afraid

My heart is

Trembling

Quaking

Shattering

Explosive

Sending tremors through my

Blood

Brain

Soul

Limbs

I don't know if I will live through this

Panic

Fear

Anxiety

Attack

I'm shivering and shaking,
and I don't know if I'm breathing
My heart is pounding against my ribs
I swear, I am about to break down and cry
Oh, god, the fear,
Oh, god, the torment
Why was I cursed with such anxiety?

We are magnets,
but we are too far away
to click.

Leaves, like butterflies,
dance on the river of wind,
fluttering high.

As the leafall season approaches,
the trees become ablaze with
fire leaves.

Indeed, the beautiful colors
have sparked the minds of many
cloud thinkers.

Sadness befalls them
as the cold draws near,
stripping the trees
of inspiration

Sunsets
and
stars,

shining and tossing
time away

Taking my breath
away

Every time
I look up,

My time
wastes
away.

When I see my scars
lining your arm...
Baby, it scares me.
When I see my tear trails
not quite wiped from your cheeks...
Baby, it scares me.
When I see my pain
darkening your normally warm eyes...
Baby, it scares me.
When I see that you hurt,
just like me...
Baby, it scares me,
because I don't want to see you hurt.

Your kisses this morning were soft and sweet,
the taste of goodbye heavy on my tongue.
I could smell the sorrow;
zinnia blooms hiding your eyes.

Find a sprig of baby's breath
to remember our truth:
everlasting love cannot be smothered by distance.

beat
beat
pounding
          beat
v ib r at e

******! of sound

heartbeat beat beat
rising with the music

Who? Who's there?
I cannot see you
through the fog that surrounds me
What? What is there?
I cannot see it
through the fog that surrounds me

Please, I must ask
that you leave me be;
Let me catch my beauty sleep.

once the time of cheer has ended,
wintertime is deadly.
My heart breaks
My breath disappears
My limbs become rigid and useless
every year
I die
Because of winter.

Sing to me
a little lullaby.
I just need your voice
and then I’ll be able to sleep.
Hold me close,
and just before I drift away,
I’ll ask that you never let go.