There's this constant feeling
of relentlessly being dragged
through any number of things;

cold snow chokes my airways,

cold water fills my lungs

dirt dances on top of my eyes

and mud leaves its messy mark.

I can't cut loose, this attachment
is just life;
Time pulls and tugs and does not care
if you wish to stop here or there.

The untameable beast, taking bites
from our bodies
Pulls me forward and through
raging seas
It doesn't try to drown me,
just expects me survive
Even as I choke and gasp,
even as I beg and cry.

I wish to rest, just give me a breath–
the passage of time
will pass me by

Meanwhile,
where am I?

What do I say
when I haven't written in
so long?

Day by day,
everything just feels like
a thick fog–

Nothing is clear,
I can't see far ahead;
I've just been walking forward
to where?

So I just haven't been writing,
haven't been glowing, feeling
like I can exist.

I try to reach
that gleaming surface–
I never even knew I sank.

Never knew I was stuck here
in the cold again, wading
through another storm.

It's so quiet now,
settled into my soul like a routine;
Here we go again.

If I keep swimming,
I can't drown.

If I keep walking,
we'll make it eventually.

I wish it wasn't so cold.

I once looked into your eyes, and felt time stop.
I once looked into your eyes, and saw nothing but black.

I’ve seen you soft, glowing and free;
I’ve also seen things you never wished for me

You turn as though caught in the phases of the moon;
full of light, half dark – a black hole in the sky

And somehow, every time I looked up,
you just never failed to catch my eye

And whether love is long lost,
and our futures set in stone,

I keep your memory tucked tightly away,
so that neither of us can truly be alone.

I’m trying to reach back
to reach the paint in my blood

To find the child in my soul
so she isn’t lost in the memories

I step through time
in my own head

Here in reality,
all lights are flashing red

It’s hard to stay in the present
when buttons make the world end

I just want to breathe
while I know I still can

And live with the paint
running free through my veins

we live our days,
we glimpse one another,
our lives pass by quickly,
and that may feel like a bother.
breathe, and blink,
look around and listen,
live what's around you
while there's still time to glisten.

I miss my words,
my poetry and my tales
I miss letting letters spin
from the top of my head

There's so little time,
And so little free pleasure,
It's hard to process my emotions,
and this was lost in the blur

So here's a quick spin
just to see what I've missed,
It's nice to let the letters roll,
let some light shine through the mist.

Why can't I shake
the thought
of

you?


I can't grasp
the emotions,
they're just

fog.


I'm caught in a storm,
barely breathing, and
just wishing for

clarity.


We both hear
the siren's song,
a plea to sink into abysmal

d
a
r
k
n
e
s
s
.



I just wish
I could pull you to
safe land,
and help you find the sun.

I want to dive
back into the abyss,
I'm just done with this
silly little thing we call life.

I think I need to float
awhile, letting the cold
seep into my bones and mind.

Numb, silent, forgetting;
This shouldn't be so
welcoming, the darkest
place of my mind.

I suppose that's the guise
to draw you in,
the siren song to make you
                                                   drown.

I'm drowning,
filling with saltwater,
don't you see the leak?
Doesn't it shimmer just
beneath my eyelids?

Flooded windows are so
blurry and difficult
to peer through. Can you
even see more than silhouette?

I want to drag my fingertips
through the surface
as I fall under, so I can
feel like the drowning woman
in a sad, dramatic film.

Is there a piano solo
for my sinking?
Deep, delving notes
chasing
me
down,
drifting in the currents' pull.


Don't pull me up,
don't touch the freezing fingers
as they stretch to feel the wind

The storm toils above me,
but I've already drowned.

The darkness,
seething darkness,
has returned.

I have done more
than simply fall in,
let myself drown.

I have gathered it up,
and worn it as a cloak.
The pain is my protection.

What can you say
to break through
my fog and stormclouds?

But.

I know you are, but.

But what? Is this so
inconceivable?
So inconvenient?

We don't control these things,
not forever.
Perhaps when we're young
and scared,

So when we finally settle in,
into our own skins,
everyone has
something to say.

"But this isn't who
you used to be;
this isn't who I know-"

Well, I'm more myself
than ever before,
and I refuse to fall
into your perfect view.

I feel safe
just out of focus,
and there is where I'll stay.

Let me be honest,

My heart is rolling
in my stomach,
and I can't tell
if it's fear or joy.

You surely make me
smile,
and I'm not sure what it means.

My words have collected dust.

Somewhere,
the time was lost,
or perhaps
simply the motivation.

When did this dream fade so fast?

Where did I lose the pen,
spill the ink?

I’m grasping for the tail end
of even a single word,
and here it is:

Return.

I think I’m lost,
I’ve gone too far

I pushed myself
so far below
I can’t see the stars

Only him,
I stare straight at him,
And that’s not
the right thing to do.

I need to swim up
on my own,
I need to save
my only home

We cannot drag
each other down,
and we can’t let
the other drown

I have to find
the strength somewhere
so I can make
the right repairs.

I yearn for the days
when I could pull poetry
from my brain
like a string of pearls,
shimmering opal,
so beautiful to all.

Where    have    my    pearls    gone?

Even as I’m moving
forward,
I still feel
stuck
In the same thoughts,
the same mistakes,
the same
inevitable
pit.

Why are you here
still stuck in my head
when I should have moved on,
and it's been over a year?
Why do I hate you,
when all you did was
leave?

I thought
that maybe
I could find
myself
again,
but I'm still so aimless.

You force us to step backwards,
degrading who we are meant to be as
humans.

We should be charging forward,
learning,
growing,
and changing
for the better.

Instead,
you seem to wish us to be
nothing more than simple
monkeys,
gobbling the foul feces
that is flung our way.

I’ve been caught
in a bubble of my own creation,
cold and suffocating.

This is a pocket of safety,
a family not quite mine,
a home so different
from my own.

This is a peek into his past,
a life I didn’t know,
a history I can’t imagine
so different from my own.

This is a glimpse
of what the future may hold,
of people I may better know,
an environment that I can call
home.

This isn’t where I wanted to be,
hiding in the other room
on New Year’s.

Hunger and exhaustion
struck war with
defeat and depression
over a bowl of noodles.

And suddenly
it’s the
dragon in the room,
breathing down our backs
and burning us deep.

I wanted to be sinking into
warmth and love,
feeling hope and joy.


Here I sit in cold white light
hearing his voice

how sad it is


I hate that sadness.
I hate when he sounds like
the whole universe is crushing him
in an Iron Maiden of molten metal.

I wish
he would just
take the time
to listen.

New year.

I rarely frequent this place now,
it sits and stares, but remains ignored.
The words don’t come like
they used to do,
They don’t weave the same magic.

I was falling,
then crawling,
fighting to find my way

You materialized,
a lantern in the storm,
Offering warmth and safety

I held your hand
and off we ran
Headlong into insanity

Just for a moment,
I had a feeling
that life would be better,
but instead I was sent reeling.

You’ve been trying to help me,
hoping you’d free me
But I’ve slowly been dying
And I fear nothing can heal me.

I’ve been floating aimlessly
in a dark and icy sea,
waiting, just waiting,
for life to make something
out of me.

I know,
I know you’re there.
I know that you’re waiting
to sink your fangs
into my brain
and leave me crying
from the sudden pain.

I know that you’re lurking
right on my shoulder,
claws on my neck
and tongue in my ear.
“Soon, I’ll return.
Soon you’ll be
with me again, my dear.”

I shudder at his embrace,
but it is so familiar
that I cannot help
feeling safe.

Somehow,
everything falls right into place
with you.

I shouldn’t miss you this much.
I shouldn’t miss
our car rides,
your music,
the conversation.
I shouldn’t miss your company,
even when rain clouds lingered.
I shouldn’t miss you
for hurting me this way.
You knew it would hurt me
and you did it anyway.
I should be furious,
screaming in rage,

but I miss you.

You don’t need a love poem
because I can speak freely
to you.

I love to trace
the line of freckles
on your face

Your eyes
are so full
of life,
your smile
so true.

Your kiss
fills me
with warmth,
your hands
so gentle
around
my waist.

You are
a great perfection,
and I love you more
than I’ve ever known.

Why is this all so
wrong?

I don’t belong
in this backyard
among their joy.

I lost my home,
but I never
really
had it.

There is a person
instead.
He is home,
more than
them.

Where is my home?
A year later,
the answer
is still
unknown.

I skip over
the days,
always running away
from the end.

This house fits
like an old, hole-ridden glove,
uncomfortable but soft.

I need space,
but cannot stand
the emptiness.

But with him,
there is no silence.

There is sound
all around him,
and every touch
feels safe.

I want to leave
this house behind,
but I am scared.
I do not belong,
even tonight they want me to.

But I cannot breathe
in this little green house,
and I cannot grow.
This family is not really mine.

Who is?
He is.

Sunsets
and
stars,

shining and tossing
time away

Taking my breath
away

Every time
I look up,

My time
wastes
away.

It’s here,
caught in these words I’ve read
so many times,
with a familiar voice in my ears
and warmth on my face
That I really feel like

me.

In your eyes
lies safe haven,
real promises,
and genuine affection.

He lies awake at night,
heart full of memories
and eyes full of tears.
Grief has taken his dreams away.

All the poems I have written
for those who sat in my heart,
they linger here now
as painful memories.

You are here
to give them new life,
and they have never felt
more true.

I know that you’re angry
about what she did,
but attacking me for
her decisions
will only drive me away.

I know you don’t understand
how someone could hide
behind a false family,
but we weren’t false.
We were just safe.

She decided to take a risk for love,
and now she’s happy,
and I am proud.

I once sat
in the middle
of an infinite ocean,
struggling to breathe
and desperately awaiting rescue.

And then,
there you were.
Life pulled me through
pain and solitude
just to bring me
to you.

You approach,
and in your wake lies
a path to the future.

I know that I am good,
that I am a lightly colored soul,

But sometimes I feel the darkness
welling up inside—
I force it onto myself
so that I don’t hurt anyone else.

Reverie,
come over me,
wash into me
To take me away
from this madness

My reality
is cracking
at the corners
And I’m leaking in all the wrong places

There’s a lot of emotion
hiding here
that no one is aware of —
there’s so much heartache, so much pain,
that makes me feel every decision was made in vain.

I’m so tired
of the past,
of things I’d rather just forget.
I’m choking on memories
and drowning in nostalgia.

These bits of hope
are dimming more and more,
but maybe this one will stay bright.

There’s a lot of heartache here,
so much that I feel like
I should leave a little note
Every time I show someone
this page.
I’ve been trying too hard
to find someone,
and that has led me down
a frustrating path.

I’ve got ghosts that aren’t really dead.

Hey,
are you still there?
Or have you run away
like all the others?

Hey,
I’m feeling pretty bad today,
I
I just wanna say that
I wish everything would disappear
so I can stop feeling so gray.

It feels like this time of year
is just the worst for me
even though it’s supposed to be
happy and bright
My soul feels black as night
and I can’t take it anymore
I can’t bear this anymore
I
I wish I could fly away
I wish that you could stay
but who even are you?
I’m speaking to a ghost,
to someone I wish could be real
Someone to hold me tight and
remind that things will be okay...
How can anything be okay?

Everything is back to how it used to be.
Everything is a mess, a shamble, a waste of time,
It feels like this year didn’t really go by at all
I still feel exactly the same
How can I still feel this way
I was supposed to be better, supposed to get better,
Everything is supposed to be better now!

It’s hard to believe in change
when my failures stay the same.
And no one seems to see
just how much I’m struggling...
I just want everything to be okay.

I’m on the fine gray line
between the living
and the divine.

I won’t let you see
how much it really hurts
to have lost you
without really losing you.

This wound will bleed for a while.

Our bathroom wall,
light blue with a glitter topcoat,
looks gaudy and childish
in the daytime.

At night, by the glow
of a small nightlight,
my eyes blurry with sleep,
it looks as though
a piece of the night sky
has materialized before me.

My darling,
my love,
my moon and my stars,

I want you to know
about the little devil
living in my brain.

You haven’t really met her yet,
she’s quite vile and cruel,
and I hate what she makes me do.

You see her in my anxiety,
when I text you far too much,
or call so late at night.

But you haven’t yet seen her
in my depression,
here in my darkest times.

She makes me want to cry,
she makes me want to die.
She tells me that
you don’t love me,
She tells me that you will fly
away and leave me
to my torment.
She tells me that I’m
stupid and ugly and useless,
horrible and selfish and sad.
She tells me to hurt myself,
that I’ll feel better once I bleed.

She tells me that everything
would be so much easier
if I just gave up
and drew my last breath.

She tells me terrible things,
and sometimes,
I believe her.

But now you’re here.
You’re the voice of reason,
my reminder that I’m
not a waste a space.
You muffle her whispers
with your warmth.

So, yes, she’s still here,
and she’ll still fight
to make me quit.

But I know
I can keep fighting back
for you.

For months I have lived
in a house without a home,
surviving as a shell.

With you I find
a home again,
not a place,
but a person
filled with love.