I was given the world,
scared of it all, watching from far away.
I am losing myself trying to compete,
With everyone else, Instead of just being me.


Yet I have lost my faith and strength in it,
Its been hard, I've fallen over the edge.
Everything is running like clockwork,
yet I am broken, bruised and misshapen.

I would like to say Im stronger than this.
Im a warrior, I have skin like armour.
Yet I grab pen and paper and go to write a goodbye,
You can call me, but the number is no longer in service.

I don't want to spin around in my head,
I wanna wake up feeling beautiful, know that i am loved.
The pain, the ugly, the truth I wear on my arms,
My sleeves are covered in it.

You can catch my tears and watch the sky pour from me,
but I know nothing will change.
I want to say I am a warrior, but I'm not.
All I am is something that I should have terminated.

Cut me open and tell me whats inside,
diagnose me because i keep wondering.
Why my frequency is always off,
on a different pitch from the world.
Nobody to hear my cry, can anybody respond?

I need a cure, my circle doesn't fit the worlds square,
my corners missing, never fulfilled.
My brains wired wrong and I need a remedy.
Its not a phase it happens all the time.

The walls are desolate, a body full of ghosts.
No hint of movement or a sign of a pulse,
only a echo of skin and bones.

So come rain on my parade,
because I want to feel something.
Come shove me over the edge, tear me apart
because my head is in overdrive.

I know I'm supposed to be more,
Im not just another brick in the road,
more than just a spec of dust.
Life is supposed to mean more but i can't do this on my own.
Who will fix me now? Save me from myself?

Stare at the sky and you will realise,
realise you forgot clouds move and suns shine.
They rush past while time spent is in your head.

Take a moment, to breathe, to listen,
listen to the stillness and allow it to consume you.
Allow yourself time to not think, not feel.

Its not often we appreciate the beauty of nature.

Listen to the orchestra the world sings,
sings for everyone to hear the beauty in the sounds.
Leaves falling in time to the branches groan in the wind.

Nature isn't just the outdoors,
it is everything on this planet, including you.
the sunrises upon your legs from a fall, your inner beauty singing.

*More often we need to allow out fingertips
dip into fresh streams, to feel the cool water
and take time to love ourselves as we love the beauty of our surroundings.

What words to describe a person,
do you use words of love, or hate?
Words that distinguish one or standardise them?
I use these words describe you and our story.

Hum, the steady sound of your voice and being
that prevents me from being alone.

Hunger, that I crave
the only substance I need to keep me alive.

Grin, the smile thats grows
when I'm around you and disappears when we are apart.

Greeting, from saying hello
to good morning when we wake entwined.

Imprint, that stamp you leave
leaving your smell on the pillows long after you've gone.

Impetuous, those impromptu trips out
beaches, road trips, kisses, that show your love.

Frame, the moments we want to pause
treasure for ever in frames yet time ticks on.

Foul, for the bad days and moods we have
natural and made us stronger, for good and bad.

Apertural, the opening of our hearts
that lets in the light of us, love, hope of a future.

Absent, when sitting with friends or at work
I’m not there, I’m still in the morning in my head with you.

These words mean different things to people,
average words in dictionaries, but for us
these words have different meanings with more substance
a dictionary of us.

Words define me by people who shouldn’t matter
and of those who do matter.
Friends, family, strangers, bullies.
I live in the shadow of their words,
pinned down by their dictionary of hateful words.

These words squash me
squeezing so tight tears roll down my face.
They cocoon me in self consciousness,
self loathing and feeling of worthlessness.

They grate at my skin
wearing me down.
Few comments here and there
shaking my sanity.
They pierce all previous thoughts of myself
and burn holes in my mind.

I know they,
their words,
shouldn't matter but can you blame me
when everyone in my life
constantly puts me down.
Sometimes on purpose, sometimes by accident.

Its the accidents that make me self destructive.
You think your being nice by telling me,
I can’t have a snack as you think I should stop eating so much
because my clothes look a bit tight this week.
You say your being kind, trying to help me out

but it  k i l l s  me  i n s i d e  and  o u t.

It’s is a rope, with the strongest of fibres
that holds me together and can unthread and tear me apart,
it replaces my bones and makes me limp.
It makes me fold into myself as I walk -
are people staring at me?

Coiling so very tightly
twisting and turning and tying,
tying me up, forcing me to my knees.
Cuts deep into my foundation -
they’ve spread too far.

Rapid breath intakes, sweaty palms
my heartbeat is deafening, faster faster,
punching through my chest as I walk down the street.
I just need to get to the end
yet I always fail and f  a  i  l  more.


Trying not to let my weak body collapse me.
trying not the let the sheets smother me.
trying not the let the rocks squash me.
trying not to let the fingers strangle me.
trying not to let the words define me.


It’s like a ***** that holds my world together
there not point trying to look, you cant find it,
yet when I’m in public it comes loose.
I prepare to run as
the sky crumbles around me.

The ***** is so small you cannot tell it lay inside me
it’s so delicate so don’t look at me closely,
or you can see it in the twiddling in my fingers.
The dilated pupils and panicked expression.
Choose. Fight or flight?

I bite my lip so hard it starts to bleed
trying to keep it inside and hidden as to keep it a secret,
it’s like a wave trying to break towards the shore.
Like somehow, it’s never going to stop
*so I keep sinking and sinking and nobody can tell.

During the winter
flowers wash over with snow-
quilting in numbness.

It’s amusing how I glorified your every word.
made them up to be immeasurable and compelling,
playing them over and over in my head.
Your beautiful and electric words,
caressing my ears as they brushed your lips.
Floating from mind to page,
your pen as your loves instrument.
Hypnotic and sincere that made life a fairytale,
yet looking back on those times now they lack conviction.
No more than merely ramblings of a desperate boy,
who played on girls wishes to be princesses and be the centre of a love story.
These words you let out were just strung into lines on a page,
in attempt to fill

the

space.

We crawl into a book,
slipping in between print,
wrapping ourselves up in the comforting words.
It sits there waiting,
to invite us to its world,
sad dust collects when untouched.
Beauty in the creators imagination,
thought provoking, sad, happy -
emotions created by print on a page.
The smell of earth and must.
An exciting adventure to happen,
or an old and reliable friend.

morning has broken
i see the light in your eyes;
i don't quite see you.

So tired now, eyeballs heavy
and my head dropping, muscles beg for rest.
Insomnia hits hard.

I'm done with you, get out of my sight,
I don't want to look at you any more.
You say love is unconditional,
Heat of the moment statements
Contradict our love and strain it.

Night is the hardest time to be alive.
Four am knows all our secrets.
The brain races.

Stop being so pathetic,
No reason to cry.
A lesson you need is to toughen up.
Is my heart so weak,
That you too, can nip at my brain
Sending it spinning.

Refusing the give in, eyes won’t shut
No functioning during the day,

Why would you do that to yourself,
I know you’re scared to tell,
But I'm worried.
First person to worry, yet she doesn't really care
Dodging questions I'm too tired to answer,
She then forgets about it.

These voices scatter around
this sleep deprived brain,
Past being tired now, hyper daze sets in.

I didn't raise you like this, not to be horrible.
You never talk any more, just push away,
You need to be more happy.
I try so hard, to keep a straight face
Can’t stop laughing at you,
I blame the over tiredness.

Floating         never quite
                                                  reaching bed,
                                                                                the me they want me to be.

You came at the right time,
To stop this madness you feel.
I can help you, now tell me more.
Got different people inside my head,
Not sure which version of me they want.
Reality is shown in sleepless nights.

Pillows hold so many secrets.

There's the tear stained nights
and midnight chit chats.
There's whispers of regret
and sleepy heads.

Some turn to pillows from over exaustion
and others toss and turn with insomnia.
Drunken heads that have passed out
and ones that block out the bad with sleep.

Sleep talking, monolouges and bed time storys.
"Dont worry my darling it will all be okay"
Woes are spilt and soaked in
by our trusted pillows.

*If only they could talk, oh the secrets.

You said in sickness and in health
but lately the latter has been slipping.
My "shining star" within is now a dark star,
leaving destruction in its path,
invisible to the naked eye.

There is a weight on my shoulders
that looks like pebbles to you,
yet it feels like a monster to me.

It pushes down as you drag it around
yet no one else can see the struggle.
Woven together by flaw after flaw,
is this why this monster has latched on to me?
The daily struggle goes on.

Yet when doctors say they can make the monster go away
I hold onto it, squeezing it tight,
as it's the only thing I know.

*As it's what you know best that you're most comfortable with.
Good or bad.

Venturing into the heart of insanity,
(my mind)
I fear that i will lose myself.
I hear the blood rushing in my head
(Will it ever drown me?)
As its the only sound i hear apart from myself.
Alone with my thoughts,
(Wish me well..)
Maybe this is what i want.
Insanity. Chaos. Something.

18, small village, small life. So far,
I feel like i am floating,
                                                     never doing anything of substance with my life.

Life is confusing, never felt like i had one.
A wallflower watching peers find the bottom of ***** bottles with loud music.
In love with the idea of being in love but never understood the concept.

Boring and tame, not any more.
I want to write, be creative, find a voice inside my head. Find me.

Do cliché things like move to a big city where I'm dust on a piece of the puzzle.
Be of substance, find the one, understand that love thing.