gutted like a fish
my innards strewn about
i watch everyone
step over them
in hopes they won't be seen

i salvage what's left of me
unnoticed and unrecognizable
i paint a smile
with two dollar lipstick
to mask the suffering

who could i ask for help
anyway?
the world and the god
know of my despair
but the lights keep
going out during the storm

blindly leading
i don't trust myself
and i won't trust you either
a vicious cycle of misfortune
can change even
the strongest of hearts
to stone

it's judgment day
and i'm answering
for every sin

each time my heart
beat for you
took a notch off my life
my chances of salvation
cannot be saved
yet i'm still frantically
digging in the dirt
to find you

the pain is agonizing
so i numb it with
falsetto dreams
and broken windows
because i don't wanna
see the world anymore

i scream into my pillow
the very one you laid your
head down on next to me
living an imperfect existence
we played royalty and
i was your princess

those nights
we held on to each other
like the world was ending
and kissed as if it were
our last goodbye
every time

every time

well...

it's judgment day
no stone is left unturned
i knew they would come for us
pitchforks and fiery stakes
piercing our core
tearing us apart

apologetic forgiveness
to the Powers that be
i beg for second chance
sacrificing my place
in your arms
to save your heart

a heart can only break so much--
the bleeding must cease one day
and once all becomes still
in the dawn of the storm,
the chains that hold the world
in its place
will break away

--and you will be left
with the life altering decision
to repair the impossible,
or let it decay

there is always a glimmer
of hopeful sunshine
breaking through the rain,
but sometimes it's just best
to let the water wash away
the pain

because
a heart can only break so much--
fatality determined in a numbered day,
and once the storm has left you
there isn't much left to fade

everytime I think of
killing myself
i wonder who will mourn me

will it be the same people
i asked for help
that ignored me?

everytime I think of
killing myself
i wonder what comes after

will I burn in hell
for changing time--
chaos and disaster?

everytime I think of
killing myself
I wonder how I'd do it

and if I'd have
the courage
to actually go through it

every time I think of
killing myself
i wonder if it ever ends

but the pain remains
in after life
as i try to make amends

where lost souls thrive
to stay alive
i may be left for dead

pain in this case is a necessity--
self inflicted to heal the hurt;
causing waves and ripples
of emotions--
quite priceless for what it’s worth

it gets lonely sometimes

brutal battles fail to cease
from north to south
and west to east
within her head
from heart to feet
it's she against
an entire world
that's quite a job
for such a girl
she tries her damnedest
to say the least
so she lies awake
and fears defeat

sorrow becomes of me
as i go on and pretend it don't hurt
i am reminded of the life
i failed to create
diminishing a woman's worth
who determines
what a mother should be?
it's been determined somehow
that it won't be me
and so my tears and blood
become one with the life
that should have been
as i fumble with the pieces
of my broken heart
in attempt to rebuild it again

deep in the meadow
as all rebirths within in the sun
in the midst of early spring

darkness is descending
and beneath the fallen raindrops
i am the only nonliving thing

frustrated all to hell
i know this feeling all too well
a broken record i've become
yet my words still loop
on the tongue
you say that you do
but i know that you don't
you say you believe
i know that you won't
the chance has past
and come and gone
to prove myself
that you're all wrong

i am a diamond
shining quite bright
within a cave
in deep moonlight
but because the sun
shines brighter on you
it's assumed i don't crave
the same sunshine too
i want to feel heat
the same love and affection
i like to be wanted
i want the attention
but my lack of the day
and the way i was raised
made me look in depth and darkness
for all of the good
and because that's so different
i'm misunderstood

i want to crawl into a hole
and possibly die
but death doesn't come easy
and neither does life
so i just cry
it's raining cold tears
from the midnight sky
the moon has become
my only source of light

a thousand knives
to slash the throat of the beast
who used my innocence as prey

behold his head upon the rock
mounted just above my fire place
his debt was much repaid

just like that
the day is done
and what's
been anticipated
has dissipated
to none
far gone is
the moon
from its sun
yet i still feel
your heart
beat with mine
as one
drift off
beneath the stars
from where
you are
for our dreams
have just begun

the good days--
i hate them
because i am
constantly reminded
that my time with you
is limited
as the sun sets
every dusk
the idea you
chose me
to walk beside
your short journey
is just plain luck
so i sit and reminisce
in your memory
while you're still
here with me
even as it comes to this
it's a must

i know i love you
and i know we're
different
i know we're strong
so please just
listen
i know it's hard
it's life
they say
so let's try and
cherish today
i don't like
talks that
expose our flaws
imperfections
is not who we are
we are warmth
we are laughter
we are one
you are my life
i am your moon
you are my sun
having moments just like
day and night
we see rain
we feel thunder
but the rotation
it's just right

insecurities
dreams
hopes
aspirations
will **** us both
if we don't seek affirmation
we've both been
broken
down to the ash
on our knees
we've both given to God
our needs
and turn to each other
to be free
so you go be you
and i'll go and be me
remember in who
they become
it will still be "we"
cast away your doubts
i will bury mine below
i choose to love you forver
and forever you'll know

pain will keep you from living a normal life
what's normal anymore?
pain will make you not want to get out of bed in the morning
pain will make you eager to go to sleep at night
pain will make you wonder if you'll wake up

pain will compromise your confidence in your own sanity
what's sane anymore?
pain will make you cry until your eyes stop working
pain will make you ***** every chance of healing you ever had
pain will take the air from your lungs until you stop breathing

i don't want to be in pain anymore

not good enough to bear your ring
not well enough to birth your child
not good enough seasoning
to taste i see
sweet baby stay awhile

you see that sun is rising again
and setting on the mountain tops
it rained last night and the dew drops
are stuck like glue on the windowsill
where your pie is warm and waiting still
but the crust is too soft to make you smile

so i throw my apron back on to sift my fingers in old flour trying to make anew
what's left from the recipe before
an uneaten slice or two
satisfied my buds to center core
but you always hold up your hand;
no more

i stare out the window at all these pies lined up one after the other and wonder what kind of baker do i need to be
to make you eat all the efforts that reach for your belly
though they never reach for me

it's a love i'll never get but i won't fret
sweet baby stay away ahile
i'm not ready for you to go just yet
not good enough for your garden
not good enough for your life
but i must be good enough for something

we watched it rain another night.

my pain is invisible to you
as i sleep the day away
the ache never subsides
the fear never fades
and the clock ticks
there goes another day

another tear
another night of crying
through the pain
alone in suffering
in an agonizing way
and the world just keeps turning
as i yearn to watch it spin

the end of the rope is tied
yet my faith is not secure
it's the fear that keeps hope dead
it's the past; the memories
that fill me with dread
it's all i have endured

be still in the shadows
i try to coat my doubts
fear in light exposes weakness
and to you i'm a nuisance
a burden
you blow the candles out

i try with every drop of blood
to keep this soul in circulation
don't let it win
i say
clench your fists
grind your teeth
grasp the demon in his realm
don't accept his invitation

but there's the dread
but there's the pain
but there's the inability to cope
you see this thing
it has you by the throat
ready to slash and slice and take your
LIFE!

and so i crumble
not from being weak
but from remaining too strong
from carrying the weight of oceans and rivers and valleys and mountains and plains travelled
far too long

oh the hurt it subsides at times
though it is never absent
i ask God to heal
what the world says can't be
and so i take what lemons they hand me
in hopes that someone keeps their word
promising a happy ending
a cure

in the time being as i lay here
in the dark thinking about tomorrow
and where i might go
all i ask is for your grasp

please don't let me walk alone

Royalty they say
is something you're born into
or brought into
by the King of Hearts
what's that you say?
she's been summoned
by the Prince
to a world unknown
soon transition starts

A peasant turned Princess
who knew such a difference
from buttons to jewels
to China from dishes
and yet
humbled from her world before
resistance meets her at the door
love with her Prince
is tug of war
it seems their worlds keep them
apart

Oh to love with a wounded heart

she gives him her all and tries her best
she loves him all over
slips into the new life he's shown her
still a piece remains left to attest
her Prince is happy but not fulfilled
and she wonders if she should depart

a twinkle in the eyes
a bleeding love from the soul
made her realize to flourish
her garden must grow
the life of a Princess isn't just something you know
it takes time to become
what you've just never been shown

Oh to give life back to her heart

love takes its time
perfection perseverance
to build a shelter that can
withstand any storm
to create a house from the roots
where you'll lock up your treasures
and forever keep the blood of you warm

Oh Prince that be,
you must always be patient
for it is deeper than things that are seen
be kind to her heart
she is loyal to you
and only preparing to be Queen

i think about you every day
and
every night

why wouldn't i
you are
my life

if you ever leave
i won't
ever stay

if i can't go with you
i will just
fade away

your love
is the blood
beneath my skin

where the
sidewalk ends
Heaven begins

forever my
heartbeat is
stronger

my only wish
is of timeless gift
to love you longer

and know without trying
that i am doing it right
to know when you see me
you fill with excite
my spirits run low
due to unjustly fights
and i hide behind scarves
and avoid biding light
yet i await for your touch
it will all be alright
in this mask i feel ugly
the day is still night
you've yet to dismount your horse
but aren't you my knight?

i just want to feel beautiful
as well as i might

I say I am strong in my voice
You say "only the strong remain quiet"
I say I am nervous
You say "you're overreacting"
I say my passion is to help others
You say I only "seek attention"
I say my battles have been rough
You say my battles "aren't that bad"
I say I've been through a lot
You say "others have been through worse"
I say I miss my hair
You you say "at least you didn't lose it all"
I say I feel ugly
You say "it's not a big deal"
I say I am afraid what's to come
You say "at least you're better than before"
I say the world is cruel
You say "I am different"
I say I don't feel good today
You say "you should be better by now"
I say sometimes I cry
You say "for what"
I say I'm overcome
You say I'm "over thinking"

I say nothing
you say "why are you so quiet?"

lost in a world that was once mine
it gets better or worse or indifferent
as it goes by
who knew it to be the healing i'd see
a bit of of bitterness over time
but you ask and i always say
i'm fine

the colors i see are complex in shades
some words are foreign to me
right from the page
in my head you say is a box of lies
just a shallow pity brigade
so ignore the tears in my eyes
hopes shatter and fade

pain is an excruciating promise
that the current host remains the strongest
misunderstandings and judgmental tongues
will clean the slates of blood from beatings done and i am left with
scars from all of this

kindness and love are rationed into moments more deserving
as if it is only when i may die
that you find me worthy
to shed a tear of hurt in an existence you don't know
yet you still mimic what's before me

a mockery you have made of total devastation
to a life once radiant with positive preservation
on mornings i can't bear to face the day
you throw daggers in my back
in accusations

this disease it steals my life
it has much ransacked my brain
but you,
you
you have taken everything else away

and i've nothing left to gain

the house where no one lives anymore
down long roads untraveled
in empty chairs
where life
it was once there
away from the sun
in a dark dingy grim
hidden away you've sent me
the light is just memory
dried tears on a swollen face
it was good all good
yet you left me
in this place

i kissed my wife goodbye tonight
held my kids
and hugged them tight
my shift is more than nine to five
i'm blessed to punch the clock alive
to protect and serve
is what i do
my badge it shines
my heart bleeds blue
amongst the angered proclamations
i remain cautious to each situation
you see there's guys like me
here for the passion
then there's those who seek
authoritative access
intentions to hurt with permission to ****
to harass innocent people
detained against their will
i do not condone what those men allow
but when people see me
they see them
and i'm one of them now
we all look alike
same routine daily procedures
but i didn't want Alton or Philando
to be shot dead either
i am trained to protect, prevent, and to trust in the truth
not bully
not harrass
not execute
he does not represent me
just as the devil does represent you

i am sick in the soul
what do i do?
it was once white against black
now it's black against blue
but can't you see most of us
want peace and justice too?
let's get the bad guys out of here
send them to hell where they belong
show the world we can stand as one
while our voice remains strong

but you killed me before i could help make it right
but you killed me before we could join hands in the fight
but you stole me from my family like a thief in the night
but all you saw was the darkness as i was pushing for light

a **** for a ****
this is a battlefield shroud
as my kids wake from bad dreams
screaming out loud
the sobs from my wife drowns out the sounds

who declared this the answer to equality?

HOW?

my mind is weary
because my skin is black
the fighting never ends
we are murdered by enemies
who pledge to be our friends

my soul is tired
because my skin is black
they say move on from the past
as if our great grandparents
weren't working their plantation
disregarding the fact that slaves
have built this nation

my eyes are burning
because my skin is black
crying rivers of tears that lead to
oceans we never see
because American paradise wasn't built
for people who look like me

my heart is hurting
because my skin is black
will it be my brother next?
could it be my father too?
without the love of my life
i have nothing
and what if they take him too?

my skin is on fire
because it is black
a pigment i was born with
that i cannot give back
the darker we are
the more we are judged
the more we are killed
the less we are loved
so we turn to each other
to lift each other up
and now you call us racist
when before you didn't care
you only see a possibility of unity
and i think you just might be scared
we are now aware of our power
that you try to retract
did you forget who your president is?
hmm.. imagine that

we are all weary
we are all tired
we are all hurting
i refuse to tell my son he is less worthy
i refuse to see my daughter cry
and ask why we have to die

because our skin is black

all we have ever wanted was to be treated as EQUALS, as HUMANS, as PEOPLE
America you owe us that!

you say things like
God bless you
let's pray
church is your shield
the Lord's word
becomes your cover
you claim to be of peace
that hate is unreal
as you stab your brother
you are the
all American perfected
piece of apple pie
with ice cream on the side
and yet your core is rotten
you can hide behind script
but scripture doesn't change
as much as your heart
is never the same
or have you forgotten?

quick to point fingers
to judge and pursue
as muddy as creek water
is what flows through you
and yet you smile
you hide behind your
facebook wall
and your indirect posts
as if reading between lines
is a challenge
you make it easy for most
you claim to be right
you bow for the wronged
you love to pick fights
you deny any motive
are you pleased with your conflict
you saint of two tongues?

my silence speaks volumes
bewildered lack of reaction
but don't think i don't see
the devil is present in your "absence"
you hide behind privilege
and your white picket fence
you are safe from a world
the rest of us fight just to live in
so you haven't the right to speak
down on us with
your thoughtless opinions
fools gold you are
you're real to the world
but not real to me
not pure to us
your contradictory life;
transparent as shade is to dust

and you just keep cleaning up

as quick as it began
it ended
i left for sure
a blackness unlike the dark
it was a spacious energy of pure
mountain tops overlooking
valleys and rivers and seas
i stood at the edge at the highest point
and breathed in deep
i exhaled
and felt my wings
looking down there wasn't fear
only peace
i sat and smiled
i wasn't alone
but it was me
and i was free

pushed back into my being
with tubes and wires and machines
i heard the rain
i heard the thunder
and knew God let it be
a new day
a new life
a rebirth of all things

you don't know how it feels
the strength it takes
facing each day
each day the sun breaks
through the clouds
is a rainbow
but the storm still rages
and the hurt takes new form
as you open your eyes
you see the light
it burns
pull the shades you're still in pain
a pill can't cure
you put your life
your future
into the hands with the knife
you must be ready
you must be sure
are you ready
i don't know
stop asking if i'm okay
this isn't life
this isn't real
this isn't me

memories
i don't remember
the land is foreign
in my brain
i don't remember where
i'm going
i don't recall what i say
humiliation
close the shades

knocked down a notch
after just i climbed up
the rope
i finally found myself
and now i must let go
swinging, swaying
it isn't safe
but it is life
and i barely hold on
but forcibly
each day breaks
i push myself
through the dark
open the shades
and i go on

am i ready?
how do i feel today?

i am ready to jump
and let it sway

fighting to forget
but the fight can never end
so the memory always stays
at night when sleep is gone
the mind awakes
i fight for her
she's crying
the girl i met in the street
is the girl i used to be
innocence prevailed
until The Bad Man came
we've all seem him
he's ruined the world
and now we need strength
to rebuild it
will you walk with us
or will you hide behind the lies
with the rest of the cowards
who listens the epidemic doesn't exist
i will take the nightmares
i will relive the memory
if it means she doesn't have to

the girl in the street.

she is your sister
she is your daughter
she is your niece
she is your friend

won't you stop The Bad Man for her?

you left your imprint
on mother earth herself
in our hearts you left your voice
you gifted us with melodies
of most valuable wealth
charismatic grace across the stage
you never did it for fame
originality legendary perfection
spiritual soulful being of peace
from the very first note we heard
music hasn't been the same since
others may have had their King
but we had our Prince
humbled at the idea
success doesn't mean it's over
and openly giving your life to Jehovah
doing good deeds behind the scenes
you were careful and serene
artist first, entertainer came next
you never disappointed the world
until the day you left

and here we all join hands and reminisce
oh the years you got us through
joy, love, hurt, progression
defeating the evils of the industry
giving us hope in oppression
and as we watch the doves cry
we wipe our tears too
how much you're adored
if you only knew
the thunder rolls and we feel the first drops begin to fall
it doesn't erase the emptiness one bit
but it brings us to a crawl
you never meant to cause us any sorrow
you never meant to cause us any pain
so we will be here
bathing in the Purple Rain.

We love you forever Prince Rogers Nelson.

desires beneath the skin
result in sin
and if it is the only good kind
then count me in
where your heart is fast
your hands are too
where the skies roll dark
where the water's blue
it's all aligned for what's to come
and as it starts it's almost done
yet the pleasure overtakes the day
the sin will wash the pain away
you cannot stop
although you fear
what was once a thought
is now too clear
and here you lay beneath the moon
the entire world becomes your room

awake i lay
oh how life has changed
and the dark remains still
the air remains cold
here i am thinking
what does life behold

and as the devil comes for me
the Lord is at my side
a never ending battle of
lies and pain and truth
and i can never make a decision

I pray one day i'm forgiven

to grieve the loss of someone alive
makes me wish i were dead
facing fears we once faced together
i face alone instead
the unthinkable had to happen
though it'd been a long time coming
now the dust has settled
i'm no longer left wandering
i couldn't say goodbye
i couldn't even look at your face
the hole left in my chest
is such a hollow space
it was the opening of a door
that was meant for my way out
the one i had refused to open
i'm now being pushed out

i've seen four stages of grief
up until this moment
and now the only one left is
acceptance
it isn't any less hurtful than the other four
and i've return like a stray
staring at the door

but it's not to be opened anymore.

i probably shouldn't
but i already have
so don't try to stop me now
i don't want to die anyhow
just trying to mask the hurt
it's been two years to the day
i feel no better
i feel no worse
i just know bile gathers in my throat
and tears well up in my eyes
and i still remember the phone call
when they told me you died
oh how i cried
how i still cry
we cry
as a community
you gave us immunity
to the bad
you proved God would prevail
we saw you stumble at times
but never did you fail
a dad
a brother
a friend
why did your life have to end?

and every time this year i can't sleep
just a pile of pillows at my feet
the alcohol just gave me a headache
so i move on to something stronger
as i wait for it to get easier
the night just gets longer
midnight strikes and the day is here
and you're still gone
dead
like a retired song
just when i thought my heart was healed
it's remained broken all along
come on friend
come back and laugh again
hug me like you used to
fill me with that everlasting life
the beauty of you
in this empty void of grievance
in that absence
***** and pills will have to do

i ain't proud, no
but you had to go
and that's okay
i will be alright
i will get through this day

did you ever see his face
as he took your innocence away
did you ever look into evil's eyes
did you play the devil's games
did you try to **** yourself
when it was all over
because the blood wouldn't wash from your thighs
did you scream into your pillow at night
so no one heard your cries
did you watch your world go up in fire that retracted your soul in smoke
did you mask the pain with the blade of change just so you could cope
did you feel like you just might not make it
did you wonder how much longer you could take it
did you wonder how people could say that you faked it
did you ever wonder why you

did it happen to you?

i need to cry
but who can i call?
it's late
and you're sleeping
it's been a long day after all

i need to cry
but who can hold me?
it will be okay
it's not so bad
is what you've always told me

i need to cry
but i am here alone
each tear falls in silence
no one hears it
no one's home

i need to cry
but it may not stop
the ache in my heart
will hemorrhage
and it's the only life i've got

i need to cry
because it isn't fair
a thousand knives
into the core of my being
by saying he won't be there

i need to cry

i need to.

cry no more little one
it's all done
the evil has gone from here
and you can soar
           up
         up
       up
beyond a doubt
into the promised land of
t o m o r r o w
time spaced even enough
b o r r o w
let the river drain your
s o r r o w

be free of the darkness
for the evil has gone from here

embodied in the flesh of ghosts
it's an unknown atmosphere
look deep into the eyes of the host
you'll see the devil's here
he lives in me
we talk amongst ourselves in vain
laughing at those around us
too caught up in religion to see the pain
though the world's on fire
it's my soul's desire
to be free again
raging waters beneath the core
from the tears of broken hearted rain
singing a song freedom
engulfed in ash and flames
deep in the pits of this self centered hell
you may hear the sound of my name
it is but the voice of my own throat
screaming to be claimed
in a blackness so dark and deep
this body is just the frame
i gauge out the eyes of the host
so he can take the blame
i curse the heavens for deserting me
for making me insane

it's an unknown atmosphere
being trapped in here

sometimes i think about killing myself
sometimes i think about free falling
stepping off into the unknown
forever a sketch in your memory
forever a pain in your heart

sometimes i think the world is better off
sometimes i feel i don't have **** to offer
crawling on bloodied knees
leaving a trail of hurt behind
leaving a signature of my failed attempts

sometimes i think you don't get it
sometimes i think you want me gone too
standing in sinking sand of doubt
crying out to an empty upper space
crying out to no one there to listen

sometimes i dream that i am better
sometimes i feel there's something more
clutching my chest in agony
clinging to hope
clinging to life

holding on is harder
sometimes.