My anger with you,
Roots from my utter disappointment
In the spineless little squid
You've become.

You're a coward.
I'd call you a monster,
But you're just a bottom feeder.

You're not better than the shrimp
I shred to consume
So I can continue living.

You don't matter.
You did once,
You were good once,
You were kind once
Your heart and soul were pure,
ONCE.

But today all the promises
And hopes you gave,
Were lies,
And destroyed lives
And I hope you feel guilty.
I hope you feel regret.

Because I may forgive you,
But I'll never forget what you did to me.
You
Won't
Live
This
Down.

I feel like nothing.
Like I'm washed up and overrated.
Like I'm some type of loss,
But not quite unimportant enough
To go unnoticed,
But not quite important enough
To really be vied after.

And maybe it's just me,
Because honestly it doesn't strike me bad
Enough to make me cry,
But it strikes me enough to sigh,
And know this is what I'm probably worth.

A response,
A small phrase of comfort,
But probably nothing more,
Probably nothing less.

But I so desire
To be held and told
That maybe it's alright,
That maybe I'll be able
To sleep tonight.

But how can I rest,
How can I breathe,
When the monsters come for me
Even in my dreams.

There's no escape,
And there's nowhere to run.
He's destroyed what worth I had,
And I'm just so done.

And wish I may,
And wish I might,
I don't have it in me,
I can't fight the past-- Can I even fight?

I wanted to be braver,
I wanted to be stronger.
But I can't do it on my own,
I can't do it any longer.

I know for sure that you'll
Help me get through,
But I'm terrified of
What this means for you.

And I'm absolutely terrified,
Of something I can't see.
It's this monster I know too well,
It's this monster that follows me.

I wish I could
Change my way,
But I don't know what to do,
Nor do I know what to say.

And I love you so,
And I know you love me too,
But with this monster beside me,
What are we supposed to do?

I need your arms around me,
As soon as you can manage.
I hope you read this.
What the hell rhymes with manage?

She came to me crying,
And all I wanted was to wrap my arms around her
And utterly destroy whoever it was who hurt her.

Such is the life of an empath.

She came to me crying,
And the first words off my lips were
"How can I help?"

And she told the story,
Of how she watched him no longer care
And watched him fade away,
All the love they shared.

How he went from loving her smile
To not even wanting her around,
And she tried to explain
How bad it hurt.

But darling, don't you know?
I've been there before.
I've seen the change.
The brutal dishonesty
Of meaning less than nothing,
But darling don't you know?

That isn't love.
That's selfish desires
Causing lies
That cause fires.

But it gets so much better,
Beautiful darling,
It gets so much better,
Darling girl.

For the sun will set,
But the moon also rises,
And stars shine on your skin,
As though freckled with grace.

You will be so happy,
So someday,
So really,
You will be happy
Someday,
Really.

He'll come to his senses,
And it will be too late,
Darling girl,
You did the right thing.

And I wish I could tell you,
And that you would believe me
That it will be okay
And that your smile will grow
One day
And never fade.

I know for a fact
That it gets so much better,
But you cannot hear that now.

Instead I will tell you
Drink some tea,
Take a shower,
Wash your face,
Watch a movie.

You'll feel better
After a good night's
Rest.

I feel sick,
And I'm so sick
Of this.

Of never being
Up to par,
Of always being
The initiating party.

Of working myself
To points of break downs
And insanity,
And being judged
For any and all
Acts of self care.

I'm so sick
Of not being in control
Of my own life.

And I'm so sick,
I'm so sick of this.

I'm sick of waking up every morning,
And feeling like vomiting,
Because I'm filled with anxiety
For the up and coming day.

I'm so sick
Of dreading the start of my day,
And counting down the hours
Until I can come home,
And talk to you.

And I'm so sick
Of not talking to you.

I'm so sick
Of putting in so much effort,
I cannot meet anyone
More than half way.
It is bad
For my progress.

And now I have two minutes
Until I have to go
To that hell hole,
And get judged by people
For things I cannot control.

I am so sick and tired,
Of being sick and tired.

And I am so sick
Of feeling forgotten.
And I am so sick
Of only being valued
For what I'm useful for.

I am not my money,
I am not my chores,
I am not I am not I am not
Always going to be here.
I'm sick of waiting.

I only wait for one person.
And even they
Need to step it up.

Your eyes gazing into mine
leaves me breathless,
I can't look you in the eye,
the pooling of tension and fluttering butterflies in my stomach
leaves me speechless

and if I want to hold a conversation
that's no good.

and sometimes I wonder what it's like to be sane,
but then I remember
that's a life without living, a life without pain.

I'd be stupid,
but not my brand of stupid--
I'd be exponentially stupid,
stupid to the power of stupid
if I pretended to be someone I'm not.

and that's what you'd be--
stupid to the power of stupid,
if you wished I pretended to be
anything less than I am

because I've always been too much,
that's my problem.

I'm too emotional,
too needy
too affectionate
too damaged
too this
too that
too smart for my own good.

but I'm sick and tired
of wanting to be someone else
I like who I am
I won't be anybody else.

I could be better
but a better me
not a new person all together.

your eyes leave me speechless,
your words leave me breathless
and without you my heart means less
than it did before.

I wonder what you see
when you look at me
if your heart slams into your ribcage
the way mine does sometimes when I stare at you for too long
or when you touch me unexpectedly

I wonder if when you hear my voice
your stomach bursts into small fluttering sensations
or when I hold your hand
if it feels like home.

with or without my sanity
you leave me speechless
and I'm disjointed,
just like always.

I don't pick up on cues
So please just tell me if you want me or not
In whichever way you might be feeling at the moment.
Because now I'm dizzy from my mood swings
And I'm gonna *****.

With each blade
Shoved into the flesh of my back
I am more flexible
In my breakage.

My skin feels hot to the touch
As the fire beneath burns closer to the surface
Than ever before.

I push myself.
To stand.
To walk.
To do anything,
Just move, ******

You knock me down.

I do not get back up.

And what if I told you that
When you kiss me
Time stands still?

What if I told you that
When you hold me
I can see every fragment
Of space?

What if I told you
That I could reach nirvana
Just by holding your hand?

I am so at peace
Just by hearing your voice,
And holding you within my heart.

There is no strife
To fight against
When your heart is mine.

I have never felt more alone
Than the times in which I have dared
To think what losing you would feel like.

And I would rather watch
The bravado fall to pieces
Than risk losing you.

And if investing my heart within yours
Is wrong,
Then take me to confession,
Because my list of sins is long.

I am at a loss,
Your smile breathes life into me.

I am losing it,
I'm feeling sick,
But your laugh is the cure
To this ailment.

I want to make you smile,
I want to hold your hand,
For just a little while.

I want to show you the sun and moon,
I want hold you to me,
I want you to come home soon.

I want to stargaze,
And I want to find you,
And travel across time and space
Just to be in your arms.

You're four hundred miles
From where I am,
Which means I'm four hundred miles
From home.

The concept of the end gets closer and closer each time it starts.

Each time, I am more alone.
More detached.

Farther away.

Each time, it hurts more.

Each time,

It breaks me more.

But they never see.

They never notice. They are distracted. So distracted.

They all say they love me so.

They all say I mean so much to them.

That they appreciate me so much.

But then they leave me, after telling me leaving me alone might be dangerous to my health.

I can't wait for the end.

The galaxies in your eyes
make me dizzy
and the way you glance at me
makes me hope you'd miss me.

and your voice
spurs life in me
and your touch
makes me melt.

I wonder if you see
the way you mean to me.

and if you understand
the guilt I feel
for the damage done to me
and how easily you undo me
and my facades.

so this is the starting line
where our lives begin
from here on out.
this is where two become one
and one becomes two
in all the best ways.

I have been left
in the rain
in the midsts
of my own storms

I have been diminished
demeaned
and berated.

but none of that matters
now that you are so finally mine.

we have both changed
and beyond the pain
of change
and the hurt
of growth

but beyond that

I have felt the pain
of loss
and grown used
to being left
and yet I still fear
a more permanent farewell
between you and I.

but I do not doubt
your efforts
or you.
I do doubt
my sanity
and however long
it will last
and how long
you will stick it
out.

but for now I will appreciate
the warmth
and the dry
that is here.

I am not one for goodbyes.

goodbye means going away.

and going away means forgetting.

I do not care to forget you.

that's from Peter Pan I think.

but you are no lost boy
I trust that
flying away to Wendy
or Neverland
are not options
you are looking at.

I love you
so
and I know
that we were brought together
to last.

If you're not here to stay,
Then you're here to cause pain,
And if you're here to hurt me,
Then you can get up and go.

If you're not here to stay
Then you're here to go,
And if you're here to go,
Get up and leave.

But if you're here to stay,
Then take my hand
And take me away
Take me away
If you're here to stay.

If you're here to stay,
Let's find a way
To love the night away.

If you're here to stay.

(If you're here to stay,
And I know you are,
Then love me that way you do,
And I'll be glad
To stay here with you.)

I have friends who have gotten hot coffee thrown at their backs
for only half of their heritage.

and I have friends who have been told to hang themselves
with things they only wear on special occasions.

and I have friends who know nothing of these fears and these events,
because their privilege is as dominant as their
race
sexuality
gender
and they're as seemingly neurotypical
as it comes.

but still,
they empathize.
they understand.
and I'm certain if they were asked,
they would fight alongside
us too.

there is hope within this darkness,
there is warmth within this storm,
we will fight until the end of days,
and then we will fight further on.
please just stay strong.

it would be easy to give in,
it would be easy to give up,
it would be easy to let this be the end,
to sigh and wrap our time up.

but this is just the beginning,
and we know nothing of the end.
so stand against us as our enemies,
or rise with us as our friends.

Don't worry about it,
It doesn't matter.

How do I fit?
Where I go from here?

I struggle with this
Belonging
In the same way
I struggle with feeling
Wanted,
And if I'm not even a person,
Then I'm guess I'm just a problem.

And problems require solutions
Or to be eradicated from the equation
Upon not finding a solution.

And after years,
Up until May 18th, 2016
When I figured out that I'm not that bad,
I had been contemplating
Eradication.

But on May 18th,
I realized it wasn't quite
Eradication that I needed,
Rather a solution.

And in your arms,
On July 4th,
I realized that neither
Eradication
Nor a solution would help me,
For I am a solution,
Not a problem.

I am not used to walking
On steady ground,
But I could get used
To walking beside
You.

Forgive me
For my slip ups,
For my faltering,
I am painfully aware
That being mentally ill is a struggle,
But I will persevere,
If not for myself,
Then for you and here and now.

Some days I fight the fight
For myself,
And others I can only bring myself to get out of bed
For you and what pride you could fathom having in me.

Other days I cannot wait
To leap from the blankets
And start my day.

But each and every day,
I get up.

Whether it be out of excitement,
Or a desire to be better.

Forget it.
I have a lot to say,
But not a lot of it can be said
For sure.

I was told it is sad
That I'm still bewildered
By the fact
That you enjoy speaking to me,
That you take time out of your day,
To talk to me.

That I'm not a waste of time
Or a waste of space.

And it's still astonishing
That you enjoy any part of me
As more than just a thing that's there,
But also a person,
With a heart, and mind, and soul.

And I've been told that it's sad
That I'm still in awe
Of you and your warmth
And your perspective
And kindness.

But that last part,
I don't think it's sad.
I think it's good.

It has been eleven years,
And you're still the most
Magnificent person
I have ever met.

You chase storms-of-people.
thunderstorms.
rain showers.
heat lightning
with light mist.

but I am a hurricane.
I am all necessary destruction
and eerie calm.
I am the uprooting of trees
centuries older than myself,
I am the burning of homes, towns, and worst of all, bridges.
I am rain upon rain upon sheets of rain.
I am winds the break concrete,
that break people.

but what people often times forget
about weather and people alike
is that we are constantly changing.

I am a hurricane
on my darkest days.

I am sunlight
and clear skies
and the smell of mid to late spring
on my brightest.

I am crab-apple blossoms.
I am lilacs tinted the scent of the breeze.
I am daffodils
popping up from the dark soil
to greet early spring
with a bright and fierce
yellow passion.

you're used to
thunderstorms.
rain showers.
heat lightning
with light misting.

they all amount to
partially cloudy
sunny with a chance of rain
a half hearted dismal drizzle
on their good days.

my heart and soul
is the hurricane
and the spring sunshine.

I am destruction,
and I am creation.
it is the very essence
of my being.

if you're a storm chaser,
you're in for one hell of an
adventure.

"Stay away,"
She throws up her hands,
Puts them in your face.
"Keep your distance."
She chokes out.

She uses one hand,
To cover the black of her eyes.
The piercing rage that turns her iris's
To smoldering soot.

Her ferocity
Is not with anyone
But herself.
The isolation
Takes a toll
As it burns like bridges
Within her.

She puts up walls,
Almost as rapidly
As the tears fall.

She closes herself in,
With winds going hundreds of miles per hour,
And rain the can pierce through flesh.
Lightning that makes her shudder,
And thunder that shakes her to her core,

But there it is.
A smell,
A noise above the storm.
A sudden, overwhelming warmth.
Soothing and sound.

She stands, and while thunder cracks open the sky,
And rain cuts open her skin,
She halts when lightning flashes,
And strikes the ground in front of her.

But this is her storm,
And she's taking it back,
Reeling it in,
It can halt before her.

Clenching her fists,
She explains that through a high morale,
A powerful moral compass,
And a little too much empathy,
That this is her storm,
She will not bend to the whims
Or fancies
Of any man nor God.

And when reeling in the winds
And rains,
Like pulling on the reigns
Of the shadows that haunt her dreams,
She sees a light in the distance.
Faint and ever glimmering
A beacon of hope,
She journeys towards it.

He reaches for her,
And despite the storm raging on inside her,
She drops her hands,
Drops her walls,
And laces her fingers with his,
And leans against his chest.

Hearing the soft song of Bluebirds overhead,
It's the first time she's seen
A sky without clouds.

Storm Siren's don't say much,
We usually observe.
We usually react,
Rather than instigate.
But when a storm siren
Wishes you well--
It would be best that you do well.

Please, may you be as brisk as the wind,
May you be as bold as thunder,
May you be as swift as lightning,
And may you be as calm as the rain.
May you know you are loved more than the rain
Falling to thirsty ground.
May you know you are admired more than the lightning
As it pierces the earth.
May you know your voice is more awe-inspiring than the thunder
As it mutes thoughts.
May you know you are stronger than the wind,
As it cuts through forests.

Storm Sirens call forth
The storms within your soul,
The flash of light and crash of thunder
That mute your thoughts and your inhibitions.

Storm Sirens hate storms,
But when a storm of a person,
With galaxies for eyes and gold for a heart,
Crashes through their senses and
Walls they built brick by brick,

Even the most up in arms
Storm Siren
Will fall to their knees
In awe.

"I go to type the URL of this site into the search-bar-typey thing (I'm so great with words.), and I type hope instead, and stare at if for a second trying not to laugh."

You asked today how many poems you'll come back to,
When you finally reach home,
Where you probably won't reach until midnight,
And I hope to God you drive safely,
And that other drivers aren't idiots.

And I'm sitting here,
And you don't know this,
But I'm scared.
Because you don't know
Exactly how many years I've laid in bed,
Bandaged hands/wrists/arms,
Regretting things beyond my control,
Myself when I was beyond my control,
Wishing someone had been there
To calm me down before I very literally
Lost my head (or more of left my head).

Wishing someone could have stayed,
'Cause when you start bleeding out at nine years old,
And coming to and having to figure out that
Meat tenderizer and coriander gets blood off shirts, carpet, and sheets.
Otherwise you need to wear red or black.
And the one person you want to tell you can't tell,
Because at ten years old you still don't know how or why it happens.

And it hit me hard today
At ******* Barrel.
When we sat outside and you touched my scars.
Because in a way you were touching a part of me
No one else has had the unfortunate circumstances
To come up upon
Besides myself.

The part of me that knew all along
That all of that sickening regret that would
Sit like a blade in my stomach,
Sinking and twisting,
Was because my scars would hurt someone else
Who never deserved to be hurt at all.

And for all my talk,
I'd never hurt anyone
Without a reason.
So to think that maybe
My scars,
Or the fact that I got that bad,
Has somehow made you feel
In a way that is painful
Or fearful
Or something,
It makes me want to *****.

This isn't self hatred.
I wasn't there.
I can't control myself if I'm not there to control myself.
I had a reason.
I was fifteen when the worst scar happened,
And very early in the year of being twenty when the worst wound happened.

Maybe I feel too much guilt.
Maybe I apologize too much.
Maybe I'm too afraid of giving in to this feeling of you and me, and us.
Maybe I'm not proper,
And I don't know how to explain myself correctly
And articulate myself very well,
But this is who I am right now.

As Soupy Campbell from the Wonder Years once said:
"I'm getting better, but it's in small steps."

And I'm so much better.
I don't think you understand.
Who I used to be
Is someone I hope you never encounter.

The tears,
The rage,
The pain.

I never want you to see me that way.

And while I do care
If you like my parents
Or if they like you,
I want you to know
I've been doing this whole life thing
Mostly on my own
For a very long time.
Support systems don't really happen for me.

It's not like being alone scares me,
It's letting someone in
So entirely
That terrifies me.

And yet it's happening anyway.

I was always told
As if it were praise,
About how strong I am (emotionally).
About how determined I am,
About how much of a fighter I am.

My mother says: "We're all so proud of you, and anyone who isn't is delusional."

But I don't feel so strong anymore.
I don't feel very brave.
I don't feel like a fighter.

All this bravado I put forth for my mother,
And my siblings when they actually speak to me,
Just isn't enough.
I can't do it in front of you,
Because that front I have
Is such *******.

I'm vulnerable and scared,
And my confidence only comes out
In deflective smart remarks,
That have a tendency of offending
Most people,
And I'm sure sometimes even you.

I just want to be better.
I just want to be stronger.
But I'm nowhere near better,
And I don't feel very strong.

I only break when I know I'm allowed to.

I have to be stronger than this.
I'm too smart for my own good,
And I have a golden heart
With a rebel yell.

I am better than this.

I am stronger than this.

I'll be okay.

Today,
I woke up,
And for the first time since March,
I have contemplated the pros and cons
Of ending my life.

Today,
I woke up,
And realized that there are parts of this world,
People in this world,
That would have been and would still be
Better off without me.

Today,
I woke up,
And no snoring puppy,
No purring cat,
No cawing crow
Could penetrate the deafening silence
That has taken my soul hostage.

Today,
I woke up,
And I realized that there are things you've never seen
That I wish I had never seen.

Today,
I woke up,
And thought of all the ways
I am not enough.

Today,
I woke up,
And gave names to all my failures and faults.

Today,
I woke up,
And saw how far I still have to go.

But

Today,
I woke up,
And for the first time in my life I realized
That I am worth something.
That I don't deserve to feel this way.
That there is no sin I have commited that is so great
To earn the ire of a world that never loved me.

Today,
I woke up,
And realized that there are people whose hands I will never hold again,
But the shade of their eyes
And the spark in their smile,
Will forever be held in my heart,
Wherever they may be,
Whoever's hands they may be holding
Or whoever sparks their smile next.

Today,
I woke up,
And I forced myself to move
And I forced myself to shower
And I forced myself to take my pills and drink some water
And start my day.
I forced myself to listen to music that doesn't make me want to rip my heart out.

Today,
I woke up,
And I knew in my bones that
I am more than my past,
And I am more than my pain,
And I am more than anyone ever expected me to become.

Today,
I woke up,
And looked deep into my brown eyes,
And counted every streak of yellow, every flare of red, every speck of black.
I took in a deep breath and reminded myself
That I am a work in progress,
But I am coming along so beautifully.

Today,
I woke up,
And remembered that the most important thing
About being strong,
Is surviving.
I remembered that I have crossed through hell and high water
And back again
And my skin is still mine,
And my bones are still mine,
No matter who has tried to take me from myself,
That I am still my own, if nothing else.

I remembered that the strongest and most important thing I can do
Is walk right by death,
And look my demons straight in the eye and say:

*"Today, I woke up."

I scream into the void,
I guess I do that a little too often.

But I still scream,
Just like I have a million times:
"BREAK ME. SEE IF YOU CAN DO IT."

I taunt.

I laugh, and continue, "I answer to no man or god, and both have tried to break me. I cannot be broken for long."

And I feel heat.
Fire seizing my feet,
My legs,
My torso and arms,
Engulfing my eyes.

I am burnt to ash,
Burnt to nothing,
Just an ember shimmering and glimmering
In nothingness.

But there is no song sweeter
To bring forth life again,
Than that of a bluebird's.

And as the soft sound of chirping
Fills the nothingness with a bed of grass,
And a tree for my Bluebird to perch,
My embers still shiver and shimmer and glow.

When the light goes out within my embers,
My Bluebird dives down from his perch,
And pecks at my embers curiously.

"Give her time," Whispers the wind,
The rustling of leaves in the trees,
The soft caress of the grass.

My Bluebird sits and waits,
bringing the embers cupped flowers filled with sweet water,
And shiny rocks that I might've taken a liking to,
If I were not ash.

And in time,
Under the constellations that dance within his eyes,
And the galaxies that play within his heart,
Painted across the sky for the wind, the grass, and that lovely little tree,
To see,

I am pulled from golden starlight and grey ashes,
Dark soil and green grasses.

A very high chirping is heard,
And fluttering and hovering, is a Hummingbird.

And though I am still a little damp,
And still dusted with grey ash,
I float and hover towards my Bluebird,
And though I once never answered to man or god,
I am happy to flutter and fly together.

And as he, a Bluebird, and myself, a Hummingbird, flew and floated and spiraled ever higher,
The darkness of the void
Began to grow saplings and blossoming flowers.

Nothing is broken for long.

It's sunrise.
you're leaning on my shoulder.

my eyes hurt from crying,
and so do other parts of me.

I woke up sore,
from nightmares and reality.
I don't understand
all that possesses me.

you twitch,
and you're asleep so you don't know,
but for the first time I flinched
with you.

I'm shaken up from dreams
of things you'll know nothing about.

I want to wake you
so to see if you'll hold me,
but after a night of
being beaten and screamed at
within my dreams
I don't even know
if I care so much to breathe.

it's not a death thing,
it's a "I'm hurting and don't know how to tell you how fragile I really am" thing.

you don't want me to hide from you anymore
but it's not that I don't trust you,
it's that I have to be careful.
I have to be safe.

if I let you see too much
hear too much
know too much
you might leave
or worse.

you might grow to hate this
weakling crybaby that I am.

my heart is tender
and I am fragile.

I do not thing
that is enough.

Cascading puddle of brown and red and gold
I lay in the sunlight beside you
until the clouds take the sun away.

you seem to be far away,
and that's okay.
I'm rarely here, anyway.
I tend to never let myself
be fully present
our of fear of the impermanence.

I crave your flesh against mine,
and soft loving words
and warm breaths and even warmer kisses.

but I'm honestly afraid
that I am too broken
to be of any use in that sense.

I want to feel the blood pulsing beneath the surface of your skin,
so I know you find me less of an annoyance
and more of a blessing.

but how do I know this?
honestly I don't.
you don't tell me these things,
and I have trouble knowing if I am worth anything at all.

I wonder if you know
how I love you so.

if you're aware of how I so desire
your eyes filled with fire
or the way you fill my heart so rapidly
everytime you smile or look at me.

but I wish I could explain properly
all the ways I am not okay,
like how I cannot just ask for food or things or say what I would like to do.

like how I feel guilty
when you pay for anything for me,
or how I feel bad
when I can't quite keep up with
or pay attention to your video games.

but if I could melt into the sunlight,
and guide upon the path winding,
I would if it meant your peace of mind

I have sunset eyes
That see through facades
And every disguise
You could front.

I have midnight eyes,
That create oceans of tears,
Produced from lies,
Yours, theirs, and mine.

I have sunset eyes,
That bring forth life
And revitalize
Those without purpose.

I have midnight eyes,
That pierce through your soul,
And no one really can realize
Until it's too late.

But you have sky blue eyes,
That hold the sun just around your pupils.
And your eyes remind me
That I too can fly.

Your eyes are sky blue,
With a sunny forecast ahead.

I always thought blue eyes were pretentious,
And that brown eyes were boring.

But when I first fell in love with you,
I could feel the honesty flowing off you,
And when I touched you that fateful Saturday,
In a friendly hug,
Gentle kindness rolled off of your colors,
And I was finally home.

And now when I look in your eyes,
I am reminded that blue is now my second favorite color,
And when you look at me,
I realize brown isn't so bad
Either.

The sun is shining,
The air is warm,
The breeze is cooling
Off the heat of the blood beneath my skin.

And I can feel
The biting sting
Of tears behind my eyes,
As a deli cashier berates me
For asking for a container.

I roll my eyes,
Move on and move forward,
I can't let me anxiety and that guys problems
Bring me down today.

Walking home in the heat,
From the store.
Spend an hour working on trail mix,
Cursing myself for making so little.
Cursing myself for not buying more of the ingredients.
Cursing myself for not making more money,
For not being better,
For upsetting anyone ever.
For being myself in certain aspects that I am me--

No.
Breathe.
Breathe right now.
In, out.
In, one two three.
Out, one two three.

I close my eyes,
Breathe in sharply,
Wash the dishes,
Make lunch,
Take my meds,
Clean up.

Check what I need to
Off my list,
Clench my fists,
Release the strain.

Muscles burn,
Tension in my shoulder,
Shake my head,
Use my hand in place of ice,
Wait for the burning twist to subside.

Guzzling Gatorade,
To drive away the headache,
Tears threaten to fall,
Ignore them,
Ignore the lump in my throat,
It doesn't matter.
Stop doubting yourself.
You didn't do anything.
No one did anything.
It's been a stressful few days.
You've been isolating yourself.
Stop doubting yourself.
Demand that you treat yourself better.
Ignore it ignore it ignore
The lump in your throat
The stinging behind your eyes
The pressure on your chest.
Ignore it.

They cannot hurt you now.
The dreams cannot get to you when you're awake.
Ignore it. It's over.
Do not doubt yourself.
You are loved you are loved you are loved.

Look at the sky,
Remember something good,
Something real,
Something honest.
All you can think about is flying,
And how refreshing it is.
How scared are you?
Fear is pooling in the pit of your stomach,
Like a puddle of murky water.
Something's wrong and maybe it's that you're thinking too much,
But it's too much and it won't stop but it has to.
You have to make it stop, right now.
Breathe!

The warmth of the sun
Is like the warmth of my Bluebird's smile,
But there's something eating away at my insides,
And the sun can't help.

Man, sure, rain *****.
But boy, does sunshine bite.

Sometimes I look at you,
And I can feel either end of my mouth
Pulling up
And laughter erupting
From the pit of my stomach
And through my chest
And strumming my vocal chords.

And sometimes I look at you
And I recognize that this must be
What sunshine in the dead of winter
Looks like
Embodied in a human being.

And I use that metaphor
(Sunshine, because you make me happy,)
For good reason
(Winter, because you put up barriers and sometimes you're hard to read).

And I could memorize
Your silhouette
And hold onto that memory
For months
But as much as that beautiful imagery
Would hold me over,
It wouldn't ever compare
To being within your arms,
And watching the fire burn
Within your eyes.

I was told
in May
that I am Rogue
from X-men,
and I'm desperately searching
for my Gambit.
for the hug
that Wolverine gives Rogue
without hurting.

because I hurt people
without meaning to.
it's never my intention
but people leave me
for one reason or another.

but you are Captain America,
all boy scout and morally correct
until you need to put the fear of God (or you)
in someone
or unless you need to protect someone
or only until you need to do what's right,
and then the boy scout front dissipates.

but if you're Beast Boy, I wanna be Raven.

but you're Red Robin, and I'm still Raven.

Do you even know
How long I waited
For you?

Picking petals off roses
"We'll see each other again; We'll never see each other again."
I don't even like roses,
But when sitting in a ****** dress,
In a pool of rose petals,
You get to thinking.

White sheets
And the smell of
Warmth and stars,
I dreamnt of you
Rescuing me,
And I would sit in class
And daydream
Of a hero.

But I had to save myself,
But I couldn't escape
Myself.

And after saving
Myself
Yet again,
I found you.

And all that wishing
And wondering
And hoping
And dreaming,
Wasn't a complete lost cause.

And now you're here,
So completely and finally,
And I have no idea what to do,
But to fly with you.

And I'm scared and skittish,
But I'll take off and soar,
Keeping the thrill of my delight
To a dull roar.

On a night where my teeth were bloodied,
I went to sleep and my dreams were
So sweet,
Because I met you there
And for some reason
I knew it was all or nothing.

Things are tough sometimes.

keep going.

the path will be dangerous sometimes.

keep walking.

your feet will ache. Your hands will shake. Your stomach will hurt. Your eyes will itch from all the grime and dirt.

keep moving forward.

people will be cruel. They'll want you to fail. You'll be able to see it in their eyes.

don't listen to them, don't look at them.

you'll get scared, of everything. Of people and places that you consider home.

don't let it happen.

you'll want to curl up and lay in a ball until you're shaking enough that you don't know how to stop.

do it. But not for too long. Breathe. Get back up. Keep walking.

you'll feel fear at your back and in your head. It'll try eating you alive, and you might even want to let it.

you can't do that. You're better than that, stronger than that.

you'll have enough scars that you lose count.

keep counting them.

you'll lose your appetite from the fear, from the hatred, from the regret, the guilt.

keep trying to eat. Even if it's just a little bit. (a wise Bluebird once told me that.)

remember, the night is always darkest before dawn.

I want you
To miss me.
And I want you
To care.

But most importantly
I want you
To talk to me.

I want to understand.
I want to know.
I care enough
That I ask so often.

And maybe it's childish
But you're my world,
And I'd do anything
To make you smile.

I want to show you all the ways
In which you mean to me,
And I want to show you all that
You've done to heal me,
But I'm still scarred and bruised,
I'm still a little less
Than I guess
I could be.

And it's hard for me
To open up
To anyone
I don't know how to explain
The dreadful details
Which explain
Why certain things set me off
Why I shiver and I shake
Why I seem so defeated.

I'll tell you little bits
So it makes sense
But I'm terrified
If I tell you anything more
Than the little you know
That maybe you'll think of me
A little less
Than you did before.

I want to show you
How much you mean to me,
But I can't love you properly,
Until I learn to love me,
And part of that
Is letting you love me too.

Tell me you love me,
Tell me you want me around.

Tell me I'm all the things
You've ever desired.

And I will show you
A steadfast commitment,
A hotheaded opinion,
And a stubborn will to do my best by you.

Show me that you'll love me for forever and day,
Show me that you want to keep me around.

Show me that I'm everything
You've ever desired.

And I'll tell you
Of my being loyal to a fault,
All my passionate opinions,
And of my headstrong way about sticking around.

I don't give up,
It's never been for me,
So tell me
Tell me you're the same,
And we'll show the world.

Whisper to me
Softly,
Am I worth your time?
And with each and every
Word that just so happens
To rhyme,
I will take my chances,
And answer in kind.

You are the flame
Burning in my heart,
And the red string of fate
Tangles around me
Just so,
That I fall into your arms,
And am tangled within yours.

I see pictures of
The human heart,
And like every work of art,
Have you ever wondered
Why it is the way it is?

The shape we know
As a heart,
Is supposed to be two human hearts
Combined through love
As one.

And daylight fades into night,
And I can feel the shift,
Nothing is right,
But it doesn't matter.

Because how can anything matter more
At this moment
Than my yearning to be
In your arms.

I'm cold
And I'm not feeling great,
And sometimes I wonder if you
Can see me.

But thank you for giving me
A very good day.
And thank you for being mine,
Thank you for loving me,
And thank you for being gentle and kind.

I'm not always perfect,
And I'm not quite always sane,
But I love you
And I'm glad you love me.

Though sometimes I worry,
If you see me as more beautiful,
Or more good,
Or more kind
Or if you don't.

And I'm filled with these anxieties,
That I'm not quite sure how to handle,
So I sit and I worry and I fret,
That I'm not quite the best,
No, not yet.

But thank you for seeing
Anything in me at all.
I'm not the best,
But I'm trying.

Loving someone so much creates an ache in your heart.

- Your chest is tightening due to the anxiety that floods your senses.

- You keep trying not to let stupid words trigger you worse than they have.

- You can't type to save your life because you're shaking too bad.

- You're trying to cook but you end up forgetting what you're doing because you're too distracted by blind hatred.

- Your brain is overwhelmed by its' malfunctioning chemicals and you're somehow still more stable than someone with less abbreviations.

- You find that so funny but you know it's even actually kind of terrible.

- You're so confused because you, the girl who literally said horrible vicious things to someone just so they'd hate you, so you could off yourself without guilt and so they wouldn't have to attend your funeral, thereby ending a friendship in the one of most painful and selfish ways possible, are somehow considered a good person.

- You go to confession multiple times and still don't feel forgiven.

- You remember your views align much more closely with Wicca than Catholicism, but you still call yourself Catholic.

- You just don't understand why people are so stupid.

- It would be laughable if it weren't for the fact that it's technically slander.

- You can't come up with anymore feels because you're disassociating. Oops

My skin is freezing
But I can feel myself sweating
And I know I'm shivering
But I'm much too hot.

And maybe you were right,
The other night,
Maybe I'm sick.

But if I'm sick
I made myself so
Out of stress
And overthinking.

As though you know
I am somehow whole
and as though you know
I can stand on my own.

but my stance is shakier
and my voice is not quite steady.

both a weakness
and a strength,
my love for you is.

with you I am stronger than before,
and much more myself.

without you,
I am much more gone.

Distance,
Drifting away
Drifting apart,
It's something I feel deeply,
Something I've felt so often,
That the absence of absence
Makes me feel skittish.

And maybe it's just
Me.

People come
And people go.

They drift in and out of my life
As though I'm a rest stop
For busy travelers
On busy journeys
That I may never
Be a part of.

And though I give them a chance to close
Their strained eyes,
And a chance to rest
Their weary heads,
When they awake
They always expect more comfort.

But I was not made
To make them comfortable.
I was not born
To please.

And when I decide
I would like to start my journey,
They go.
It's too much trouble.

I'm too much trouble.

The absence of absence
Leaves me anxiously pacing,
Panic-stricken,
Ringing my hands together,
Waiting for it to all
Come falling down.

But this absence
Is killing me.

I'm trying so hard
to be the best I can be
but some days
the parts of me
I haven't learned to like
get the best of me
and I don't know how
to piece myself back together
with all my pieces still intact.

I try so hard
to be the best I can be.
just trust that even days like today
still keep me on the path steady
to being the best me
I can be.

You have to remind yourself
That the negative things
Humans point out about you
Are usually the worst things
They see
In themselves.

So rip me
To shreds.
So tear me
Apart.

I am empty,
I am bleeding,
I am yours
For the taking.

But I certainly hope
That they know
I will sooner
Or later
Care less.

"If you feel so miserable about your life that you must try to hurt others, then I sincerely
And whole heartedly
Feel bad for you.
I might only be
5'1", but I would never want
To be that small."

You always thought it was
Attention, money,
Financial stability.
A solid job,
Whether you like the work or not.

I thought it was good friends,
Love, happiness,
Feeling safe,
Doing what you're passionate about,
No matter what.

It turns out I've become successful
In the way you always thought
Success was meant to be.

I have money coming in,
A secure job (that I like),
I'm making a lot of this money stuff too
People are liking my writing,
Even if most of it is about my disgust with you.

And I'm pretty close
To being my definition of successful.
I'm not in love,
But maybe one day.
I'm happy most days.
I have friends and family
That love me more than you ever did.

I hope you're doing well.
Just know that I'm doing better.

Life isn't a competition,
But I'm still winning.

I feel sick and empty right now,
But that's my anxiety from the rain.
As it pours down,
I realize that I'm so much better off now
Than I ever was when you held my hand,
When I could say you were part of me.

You're so much like you're father, from what I've been told.
Your biological one.
Everyone used to say that I was so much like your mother.
That's probably why we didn't work.

And I'm happier this way,
Because I'd rather be alone for awhile
Than be with someone that
Lies consistently
About everything.

The definition of success
Isn't money.
And it isn't love, either.

It's enjoying your short time here on Earth
Without letting toxic entities
Get to you.

I didn't do too hot a job at that before,
But I'm doing better now.

Victor Hugo once said
To love someone is to see the face of God.

And that quote has really stuck with me.
I'm not really a religious person,
But I am a hopeless romantic.

So I'd like to believe
That even if there is no conscious higher power,
Like I'd like to think there is,
That there is at least fate,
Binding us to something,
Somewhere.

I guess I find comfort
In belonging to something,
Especially if that something
Is a someone
And that someone
Is you.

The first time I fell in love
Would forever be the last.
I fell in love with the way you smile,
And the way your eyes seek mine,
In the light
In the dark
In the shroud of your colors,
All dark and grey from anger and hurt.

The first time I fell in love
Would forever be the last.
I fell in love with the way you laugh,
And the way my hand feels in yours.
The way your voice sounds when I'm afraid,
The way your voice sounds when I'm not.

I fell in love with the way you hold me,
And the not-quite-linear way you have of thinking.
I fell in love with the warmth of the fire in your
Ice cold eyes.

I fell for seafoam blues and greens, spirals of sunset reds and oranges.

I fell for a Bluebird of peace,
Who gave me peace
Before he found his.

But what they don't tell you about love
Is that it hurts.
It hurts and it aches,
The way I feel when you're here
But so far.
And it hurts
When I disappear
So far away
From you,
When I fall through your fingers
Like grains of too-soft sand.

The first time I fell in love
Would forever be the last.
I fell in love with you.
With the way you don't make it feel
Like the love I'm familiar with.
The type that is driven by control,
Possessiveness,  and stockholm syndrome.

I fell in love with the way you
Are you
And nobody else.

The first time I fell in love
Would forever be the last.
I fell in love with the way you smile,

My heart has been frozen through,
And now that you're letting it thaw,
I'm not sure how it will look like raw.

My heart was frozen through,
But that's coming all undone,
All because of you.

I've always held
A fiery spirit,
I've always been able to be
Ignited
Too easily.

Whether it be my temper,
My excitement,
Or my passion.

It's hard to reel in flames
When flames were never meant to be controlled
By mortal hands.

But I had thought
That no flames could touch
The ice within my heart,
Until I had taken note
Of the fire that burns in your eyes.

And finally,
I shiver as water pools in my rib cage,
And slivers and pours out from between my ribs.

My heart will thaw,
Fully and completely,
As your love and kindness
Has love me in awe.

As the ice drains though my bones,
Allow me to fill you with gentle warmth,
As I try to maintain
The flames I possess.

Fill me up
And make me whole
With the fire in your eyes.

The funny thing about crying yourself to sleep
Is waking up confused
Because you don't recognize
The reality of your parents room,
From the delusion of your nightmare.

And the funny thing about lying awake at night,
Blasting music as loud as you can,
And trying to make your breathing
Inaudible
But each breath is
More strained than the last,
Is when you think back with a
"I never thought this is how my life would turn out."

And the funny thing about recalling
Making lunch in the kitchen,
And suddenly choking back
Strangled sobs
After realizing I love you.
And my mom rushing into the kitchen,
Asking me what's wrong,
And I cried so hard
Because I was so scared
To love you.
Is that it wasn't about you,
It was about the fear that you could
Now have the power
To take all my vulnerable parts
And leave without giving them back to me.

And the funny thing about
While blotting at my eyes,
That every part of me
Is wholly and entirely yours,
And upon that I also found,
Is that maybe no part of me
Was ever mine and mine alone.

But the funny thing is, you have proven
Time and time again
Within all my efforts
Amidst anxiety and panic
To subconsciously push you away,
That you're here,
Truly here,
To stay.

The funny thing about crying,
Is that it's not always about the tears,
And the incoherent hiccups
Aren't always about pain.

The funny thing about being this emotional,
Is that you love with all you are,
And when someone finally loves you back
The same way,
It's like seeing the face of God,
As Victor Hugo once said.

The funny thing about forgiveness,
Is that it doesn't always have to come from the
Person you've done wrong.
The funny thing about love
Is that it feels a lot like forgiveness
And the grace of light.

The funny thing about life,
Is that it never turns out how you thought it would,
And that's good.

The funny thing is
I really think
I like how
My life is turning
Out.

You think you know
The ghost in my bones,
But you get all this misconstrued truth
From the haunted look in my eyes.

You do not know
The ghost in my bones
The way they haunt
The way they moan.

You do not know
The ghost in my bones
The way they pray,
And worst of all,
The way they're not coming home.

Thunder cracks overhead,
And I'm playing happy music as loud as I can
Or else my dog will bark loudly and continuously until she barks herself to sleep.

And my hands are shaking slightly,
There's a reason I hate storms
And rain
And thunder.
I used to love it
And find peace in it.

But every time the thunder cracks
And I see the lightening behind the blinds
And the rain splatting across the windows,
I feel sick and scared and small.

If I pretend it's not there
I'll be okay
But I keep going back and back and back.

I'm in the back of my closet,
I'm ten years old
And mom's not okay
And where do we go
From here?
And the rain won't stop
The thunder won't stop,
Just me and my dog
Comforting me.

But now
I'm on the catwalk and suddenly
I'm destroyed and suffocated/suffocating
And my screams aren't loud enough
To pierce the thunder
And fall below
Because no one wanted to see
Just how bad it was.
And when it was over,
I found no comfort in the drops of rain
Hitting the roof like bullets,
No comfort in the crack of lightning
And the roar of the thunder.

My wish for finding meaning in a storm
Was swiftly and seemingly endlessly twisted
And contorted
Into a complete fear
Of any spontaneity I once had
And any sense of adventure
That was once mine.

And my dog barks at the thunder
As it tears open the sky,
And I flinch at the sound,
Hiding in a sweatshirt that isn't mine.

And I can't shake it,
But there's got to be something better
Than being afraid of rain.

And I'm hoping the storm passes
With ease.