She messaged me last night,
Telling me she was proud of me.
A little surprised by how far I've come.
This whole growing up thing.

It took me off guard,
And I responded as kindly
As I could manage,
Without sounding off-put
Or surprised.

I told her that I'm seeing him tonight,
(My Bluebird)
And she offered up a couch for him to crash on,
Because she doesn't know we're spending the night together,
Because it never came up.

But still, despite the shock,
I'm so excited.
I'm antsy and feeling the need to pace back and forth
If my eyelids didn't feel like
Lead.

I get to see my Bluebird
Tonight and I'm excited.
I get to see him,
Talk with him,
And meet some of his friends.

But I'm a little shaken up,
I woke up at midnight
In a cold sweat.
I want to hold your hand,
I want to see your smile, and hear your laugh,
And I'm so confused.

I don't know if this is me doing well,
Or if this is me finally catching a break.
I'm not sure if all these good things
Are due to my efforts,
Or some higher power saying
"Okay okay, give her a break."

I just want to be
The best me
I am capable of being.

Let's hope I can.

Bluebird,
Because I know you're going to read this,
I hope you know how excited I am
For this weekend
And spending this time with you.

Take the knife
That they dug into my spine,
And pull it out.

Pull it out.

And take the knife
That they dug into my spine,
And plunge that knife
Into my stomach.

That's what love feels like.

It feels like asking someone
To plunge a knife into your stomach,
Only the knife isn't for stabbing,
It's for cutting out the infection
That everyone else left inside you.

So take the knife out of my stomach,
And stitch me back up
With thread and glue,
Dab at the wound with alcohol and hydrogen peroxide,
And I'll writhe in pain,
Until the aching and the itching subsides.

Didn't you know?
Didn't you hear?

Love is a risk for anybody.

It's all about who you're willing
To jump that cliff for.

And whether or not
You fall
Or you fly.

If you asked me
How do I know what love feels like,
I will know simply because
You say the word love
And I think of you,
In shades of red
And shades of blue.

And people ask me
What love means,
And I think of sunsets so orange,
And I think of sea-foam so green.

And if I could
Describe
What it means
To be alive,
I would tell you
All that I know
To be true.

That you cannot wait
Until you are ready.
Or else you and your hands
Will never write steady,

You must dive head first,
Into everything you desire,
Because if you do not
It will simply add more fuel
To regret's fire.

And you must love
With all that you are.
Because any less
Is not love by far.

You must risk
Facing a burn,
For you must trust in me,
You will find your love and truth
In turn.

I love you,
And all that you are,
And all that you do.
Whether it be your
Oranges or reds,
Or your greens and blues.

I love you,
And all that you are,
And all that you do.
Whether it be a smile so wide,
Or iris's splashed with gold,
Within a pool of blue.

Sometimes the light is hard to see
Behind the fog of my instinctual self-hatred,
And sometimes the light is hard to find
Behind the fog that is my mind,

But you seem to be able
To crawl and wriggle your way through
The cracks in my defenses,
Piercing the the core of the walls,
And finding a way to my heart.

And you hold a light within your palms,
And a fire in your eyes,
And I don't know where it comes from,
Yet.

But I'm willing to put forth the effort
To find out.

And I wonder if the light
Held within your palms
Is enough to warm me up and heal me
In all the ways that time hasn't been able to.

And I'm scared and I'm nervous,
You could so easily break me.

But I'm trusting
That you won't.

And when I look at the colors
That spiral and cascade around you
I wonder if you understand
I see everything you think and feel
In a lack of detail
So that I know it's there,
But I have no idea what it means.

So when you hurt,
It feels like a thousand burning knives
Piercing through my ribs and the flesh of my heart.

And I wish I could bottle
The fire in your eyes
So that way when you're far away
I have some part of you to keep me warm.

I'll just have to trust
That your promises are sound,
And that the light within your palms
Will always somehow find me
In the darkest depths
I tend to swim.

Nothing is scarier
Than living, breathing people.

I've never had nightmares about corpses,
Because I've never seen one.
All funerals I've been to
Have been the closed-casket kind.

It's a morbid thought
That makes me uneasy.

The scariest monsters
That do the most harm
Are living and breathing.

We only fear the unknown
Because it is unknown to us.
I have no fear for what is already dead.
I seek to bring them peace,
And nothing else.

I am afraid of humans,
The living and breathing kind,
That float around your subconscious at night,
Reminding you how terrible you are.

I am afraid of humans
Because they are dishonest.

Animals are better.
When an animal doesn't like you,
It tries to bite your arm off.
Humans pretend to like you first.

You crossed a line.

We were doing so much better.

You were doing so much better.

I was a fool.

The only person who has ever been there
In my moments of brokenness

Is four hundred miles away,
And I know
She knows
I love her.

And I know
She knows
I appreciate it.

But if I could give her the moon,
To keep her in my life,
I would have captured it within a ribbon'd box
By now.

Dear God,
Do you know how much
I wish that
That's not true?

We're going back and forth.
With music.
With songs that mean something to us.
I opened up about my fear
Of losing my mom
With a song by the Wonder Years.

I just sent you a song that makes me think of you
(When your Heart Stops Beating by +44)
And a song that hits me a little too hard
(Jesus Christ by Brand New).

He says "My bright is too slight to hold back all this dark"
And I'm so scared that's true.
What if it's true?

The fear eats me up at night,
In my nightmares.
When I wake up in cold sweats,
Crying.
Screaming.

I just want the guilt to stop.

But the sun the peers out
From behind the clouds,
And all of a sudden
I'm okay.

Because you want to know
Or because I know I'm okay.

I don't need to think about it.
My past isn't my future.
My guilt doesn't define me.

And it's twisted and it's ******,
But I'm just learning to convince myself that all
The people that have left and that all the harm done unto me,
Wasn't a result of some fault of mine.

It's hard to extract and tear and rip guilt
From your system.
It leaves you with some scrapes and bruises.

I'm listening to more Modern Baseball.
My favorite album, it's called "Sports".

"You've got a certain who-knows-what about you."

I don't want it to be like the song that line is from.

Why is music making me so nervous?

I can spin,
And I can prance,
And I can watch
The end of this dance.

I can laugh,
And I can cry,
But you'll never hear
Of the reason why.

For you'll never know
What I've seen.
And you'll never go
To the places I've been.

I cannot sing,
But I can act.
And it's a liars' game,
But I'm up to bat.

It's refreshing
To finally be honest,
And it's good that you know
I'm trying my best.

I'm used to hiding,
I'm used to lying.
Saying things of a nature so abiding.
But I was so sick of faking feelings,
Of hiding out of fear,
And suddenly the lights dim,
And the curtains close,
And I turn to see
All I've ever wanted to be.

Back to before,
I knew how to pretend,
Back to before
The beginning of my end.

I fell in love with you,
The way a play comes together.
In slow parts and disjointed bits,
And then finally
All at once,
It goes on
Seamlessly
It seems to the audience.

I fell in love with you
The way rain
Breaks the sky
And falls to thirsty ground.

Slowly, inching darkness bit by bit across the sky,
And then suddenly, the sky cracks open with a burst of light
And a clap of thunder,
And it pours and rains
And life is new again.

I fell in love with you
The way people make other people honest.
The way you touch me and I have to tell you the truth,
The way the fire burns in your eyes also burns my skin a scarlet shade,
The way I can't keep a thing from you.

I fell in love with you
Years ago,
And here I am again.

Your heart,
Golden like my intentions.
Your voice,
Soft orange and inviting blue cascading through me like warmth I've never felt,
Safety I've never known.

Your hands trail my body,
Warm and somewhat calloused,
Tickling me softly,
Enough to force laughter out
But not quite enough to cause pain.

And kissing my lips,
My cheeks,
My face,
Flooding me with sensations
Of overwhelming love and kindness.

And I am content,
And I am happy,
And everything is well,
For the first time
In a very long time.

There's a fire in your eyes,
But a calm surrender in your voice.
There's a flare in your touch,
But a wave of peace in your heart.

You hands
Grazing my skin,
And your lips
Upon mine,
Is a type of home
I've never had
And a type of hope
I've never felt.

But in this flowery depiction
Of love and all that it is,
I have to say that there is
A hold you have over me,
That reigns my madness in,
It keeps my insanity
In check.

If you are the sunlight,
Allow me to be ivy upon a wall,
Growing and crawling up to reach you,
Flourishing and blooming
All the while.

I was called "Little Bird"
Precious, small, and brave.

I call you Bluebird.
Calm, peaceful, bright.
A thousand other adjectives,
I don't feel the need to list.

But I'm looking at this edge.
This cliff
That I am swiftly approaching.

Fall or fly.
Fall or fly.

Those are my only two options.
I've come too far for the third,
Which was turn around.

Fall or fly.
I mean, I'll fall anyway.
That's the only way I'll be able to fly.
But what if I lift off immediately.

Or what if I fall and I feel like I'm flying?

Only one way to find out.

Let's hope these broken wings,
Will take to the air,
If only to trail behind
The blue wings
I adore.

The saddest part about hearing
Someone's voice start to crack
When they're talking about something
Most people find poetic,
Is that you can see
The strength in their eyes
Start to sever from their heart.

The saddest part about people
Is that we find love and death and hate and life
To all be extremely poetic, beautiful things.
But they're none of that.

Love is painful.
It can destroy you,
And even when it helps you grow,
And everything is going great,
There's still an ache in your heart
Because you're so used to the possibility
Of it ending at any second, at any time.
And even during the happy hurt,
It still hurts.
You ache to touch,
You ache to hold.

Death isn't beautiful.
It's horrible. It rips people from your heart
Without so much as a warning,
And even when you had warning,
Even when you thought you prepared for it
It still rips every part of you to shreds.
It takes everything you thought you were,
You thought you had.

Hate isn't poetic.
It's deadly.
The passion may empower you,
But it can **** you.
And you won't recognize
The monstrosity you've become.

But all of this,
All of this life,
It's lovely.
It is gruesome and painful
And filled with aches and wounds,
But it's so ******* beautiful,
With all its juxtaposition
And irony.
And if you can find just a glimmer of hope
Within all of this sadness,
Then you too
Are so beautiful.

And the saddest part about life
Is how it can break you,
But the most beautiful part
Is seeing how you can stand back up
Despite all odds.

It hurts a lot to open up
To anyone.
But I think it takes a lot of courage
To handle it on your own.
But I think it takes a lot of courage
To open up to someone.
And I know for a fact
Courage is underrated.

What are you supposed to do
When your worst fears
Begin to come true?

I don't mean to sound self-loathing,
But I warned you.
This is what you get
For loving the sick girl.

Please don't be surprised
Or confused.
I warned you,
And I tried, before, to give you multiple outs.
Whether it be by pushing you away,
Or explicitly explaining
How I am, and what usually happens.

I can't make this feeling of worthlessness
Go away just because I want it to.

I can't pretend I'm confident when
There are just so many things
I'm terrible at.

And I can't just be better,
Stop being anxious,
Stop being depressed,
Stop not focusing,
Stop being manic or dysphoric.

It takes more than wanting to be better.

It takes a lot of work.

And while I know I can't do it on my own,
I understand if you don't want to help.
Or if you can't.

But this is what you signed up for
When you started loving the sick girl.

The Storm Siren Theory is thus:
There are persons whose very presence can bring forth the storm within your soul, their own hearts constructed and built from lightning bolts, that blue gray that can only be described as eerie and deathly and beautiful, and humid winds that make your coat billow behind you as though it'll take you far, far away from that mindset that's slowly destroying you.

And even in the darkest depths of your mind or your calm,
They'll call upon the rains within your veins
And they'll touch parts of you that you've long buried and long forgotten.

They come as destructive tsunamis
That destroy you entirely and force you rebuild yourself into some halfhearted something,

Or they come as necessary hurricanes,
That blow through and show you things you've never known,
Whether it be through destruction or rebirth.

It is up to you to be thirsty ground,
Anxiously awaiting your chance to be given a glimpse at this way of life,
Or to be prepared for what chaos it will bring.

I never said I'd be calm/able
I only ever said I'd be here/stable
And I trust you to make me love the rain again,
Because I'll open up to you the parts
That were burned into ashes at the hands of others,
And maybe something better will grow out of my vulnerability
Than ever grew out of being cold and standoffish.

I don't want to love a storm-chaser,
But somehow you found it in you
To love the siren behind the churning clouds.

Call me light and call me dark,
As soon as  your lips grace mine,
I am enveloped in hope,
I delve into sunshine.

There is a certain feeling
That you get from bird songs.
And there is a certain buzz
That you've given me all along.

Maybe it's your smile,
And maybe it's your arms around me,
But I want it to be you,
And I want it to with me.

And all the light
Of all the days,
Doesn't compare to how you make me feel
In every beautiful way.

You are the sunshine,
And I am the moonlight,
And I will love you for forever,
And everything will be alright.

The thing I like most about November,
It's that it's easier to let go than to remember.

But if I've learned anything from October,
It's that even relentless things can be over.

And if I know anything about September,
It's that love is an ever burning ember.

Or if I know anything about August,
It's that your eyes are flawless.

Yet if I know a thing or two about July,
It's that true love never dies.

And if I know about June,
It's that things can never start up too soon.

If there's anything I know of May,
It's that the cruel shall perish and pay.

If I know of April,
It's that people can grow to be hateful.

If there were something I knew of March,
It's that death's scythe claims a cruel arch.

But if I know of February,
It's that frost kisses my heart like butterflies kiss fairies.

And if I know a thing or two about January,
It's that I fear no fire, and that should make you wary.

And I know anything at all about December,
It's that the smallest memory will make your heart dismembered.

Though what I love most about November,
It's that I'm so glad you remember.

And whether you be near to me,
Or far is where you have to be,
I am here to stay,
Because even if there's a thousand miles between us,
I'm looking your way.

****,
You think I liked licking
Any part of your
Gross sweaty flesh?
You think I liked
having you on top
crushing my ribcage?

Do you honestly think any part
of me liked it
when your volatile rage
caused me to flinch and you
To lash out,
One too many times on top of me.

And you ******* dared
To tell me that something about my
Physical being was wrong
as though I wasn't already
vividly aware

And you stupid
Sacrificial goat
have the audacity
to appear in a flashback
of a dream
when I've been doing so well.

When I'm finally not scared,
You show up and I'm ******* petrified
Again.

I hate all that you are.
And all that you've become.

Breathe.
In
And
Out.
Breathe.

I am okay
I am loved.
I will move on.
Not in order to be loved.
I will move on from this damage
Out of love.

For myself.
And for my Bluebird.

Sometimes I forget to feel.
or, I should say,
I forget to feel anything about things
I'm supposedly required to emote towards.

maybe it's because I'm too busy
feelings things about everything else.

so I can't feel bad that I didn't chase her or him,
that I didn't break myself all over again
to keep this and that person in my life.

I'm too busy feeling
happy
and free
and guilty for mistakes
I have yet to repent for.

I don't have time,
I guess,
to care whether or not
I'm feeling bad about whatever you want me
to feel bad about today.

sorry.

guess i'm
unfeeling.

Your eyes are filled with fire and galaxies
And your heartbeat thrumming against your chest
And into my eardrums
Pierces me with some type of calm
I'm not used to feeling.

And your presence
Is presently
The only thing I crave.

I hope for my heart and soul
To collide with yours,
In some type of sunset-colored supernova.

And your voice plays along inside my head,
Building up waves of robin's egg blue
And rushing white and royal, shimmering navy.

You are mine
As I am yours
And despite all my fears
Nothing will change that
Not truths to falsehoods
Or falsehoods to truths.
Not visions of the past
Or past visions.

And I could count every star
Visible to me
And still the number would not compare
To the great sum
That is my love for you.

But every star in the sky's
Brilliance does not compare to you.

And it *****,
Because your grin pulled a trigger,
Sending an explosive array of metaphysical
Bullets of "This is all I need,"
Right through my chest.

And as I lay in the grass,
Sadness and confusion bleeding out from my wound,
And an infection of optimism
And gleeful epiphanies
And feelings of finally being home,
Developing in the torn up skin and broken bones,
And shredded muscle tissue,
I look up at the stars overhead.

And finally I understand,

Because you are not one single star to me,
You're the whole **** sky.

She calls me "little bird",
Because when I'm stressed or nervous
I walk on my tip-toes,
With my arms slightly raised,
Like a bird that's about to take off.
Like I'm not meant to be on the ground for too long.

He called me "bluebird"
Because I bring happiness
Wherever I go,
Apparently.
Peace is in my nature,
Hope is in my tone.

They called me "Blackbird"
Because I sing songs so sweet
And hauntingly beautiful,
But I'm so lost
And misunderstood by most.

I am a little bird,
In a cage
With a broken wing
But I'm okay.

She calls me "little bird"
Because I am small,
But I have a lot to say.
A lot to sing.

I'll fly again.

This is the year
Of being alright.

We'll be okay,
We'll be just fine.
We'll figure it out.

This is the year,
This is it,
This is the year
Of being alright.

We'll be okay,
We'll be just fine.
We'll figure it out.

We'll paint the sky
With new color,
And we'll sing the birds
New songs.

We'll be okay.
We'll be okay.
We have to be okay.

The year of: Realizing Things
Is over.
Within this year
We have realized everything from
Senses of self
To who we could be
To who others are.

I, personally,
Have realized that
I am worthy of the love
I keep trying to give
Everyone else.

I am worthy of love letters
And late night confessions
And tears
And laughter
And flowers.

I am worthy of honesty
And transparency
Of feelings.

I have yet to receive most of that,
But i am worth it.

The year of
Realizing things is over.

The year of being alright
Has begun.

You stole my heart.
You had a grasp on it a long time ago,
I'm sure you were familiar with parts of it,
Even though now it's scarred up and bruised
And has a few pieces that don't fit quite right anymore.

You stole my heart,
Within a smile and a laugh,
And I was pretty sure you took it
That Saturday when I asked for a hug,
And you gladly obliged,
Because when I walked back to my parent's condo,
I was walking on air,
My head was so far up in the clouds
That I swear I could see the stars
That made up your favorite constellation.

You stole my heart,
Upon glances you thought were stolen
By the fire,
And warmth and kindness within your voice,
And understanding from your tone
Melting down my walls and my fear.

You stole my heart,
When you taught me how to play chess,
And I ultimately failed,
But I revealed that I cared this way,
That same night.

You still stole my heart,
When you held me,
Touching my hands,
My shoulders,
My sides,
When I was afraid of your touch not by fault of your own,
But not afraid of you.
When you reminded me that you're here to stay,
That you're not them,
That you won't hurt me like that,
That you won't hurt me at all.

You stole my heart,
By making me laugh,
By understanding my tears,
By being honest
And caring
And careful.

You stole my heart,
So I took your last name.

I'm flopped on the side of the couch,
Dressed in torn up leggings
And your wrestling sweatshirt.

I'm missing you,
And I feel utterly
And entirely
Blah.

Sluggishly I wander
Into where I keep my clothes and shoes,
and eye my tight black dress,
And my thigh high suede black boots,
And I wonder how you'd react
If you saw me all done up.

And while normally
I'd play with the idea,
Today is just makes me sadder,
And I miss you even more.

I will get
All dressed up
Tomorrow.

And send you a picture
That you won't get
Until Saturday.

And maybe I'll wear
My thigh high suede black boots--
Otherwise known as my suede-slip-on-confidence.
And hopefully this week
Will go by faster.

It's all in the cards,
So let's shuffle our deck,
And see what say our hearts.

Shuffle your deck,
Lay out the cards
And we'll find within the symbolism
Whether we're fleeting
Or meant to be.

And I be a liar if I said I trust cards
More than people,
But I definitely trust the books that hold stories of them
Infinitely more.

But these books,
They're my home.
I got to the library, the bookstore,
And please understand, that's my church.
Within those walls and these papers,
I find my truth and my guidance.
My gospel is To **** a Mockingbird,
My old testament is the complete works of Charles Dickens,
And my new testament is J.D. Salinger's Franny and Zooey.

I find prayer within Lord Byron,
And I seek guidance from Richard Bach.

So maybe it is all in the cards,
But if I could read the cards
As well as I read Edgar Allen Poe,
I'd be the most profound clairvoyant
In the history of history.

But I bet you
That when I seek prayer within Brent Weeks and Oscar Wilde,
Know that I'll find every reason to be with you
And none other,
And I'll see the beauty
Of our future
Together.

When all is said
And when all is done,
Lift your head,
Aim for the sun.

I know you really
Just want to give up.
You don't care about what could be,
It's too much to stand up.

It would be so easy
To fall through the ground.
It would go so simply,
If I just wasn't around.

But I sigh,
As I lay among the soil and dirt.
I don't have time to die,
I have to get back to work.

See, my life isn't mine.
I'm not living for me
But for the people whose love has defined
This life.

Red,
Like a rose,
And
Bloodied
Like thorns.

I am thistle,
I am bramble,
I am natural
And will slice you open
If you get too close.

I am no princess,
I am no fragile dainty flower.

I am indestructible,
And I am softened
Only by the light
That follows my Bluebird.

I will not be walked upon,
As those who have left
Are vividly aware of.

But I will fly,
Like the Hummingbird he has called me.

Fluttering, buzzing,
Nurturing life,

Just as the love of my life
Has nurtured my soul,
And taught it to heal,
Taught it to love and laugh.

My blush is red like a rose,
But my tongue is sharp,
Like thorns,
Thistles,
And brambles.

I couldn't stay asleep
Last night.
So when I felt your arms
Around my waist,
I have to admit,
It still comes as a shock.

I've spent years
Trying to deny
Trying to pretend
That I could love someone
Other than you,
Because it certainly seemed
Like I would never come back.

When you have nothing,
You make due with what you have.

Maybe it's cruel
That I was just making due,
Maybe it's cruel
That I used them
To replace you.
Rest assured, though.
I never loved anyone
The way I love you.

And maybe I'm a fool,
But I like the saying

"Light your past on fire,
And move on."*

Meaning burned bridges
Should stay ashes.

Thankfully our bridge never burned.
It just got left,
So that the woods surrounding
Either end
Might have gotten the chance to grow and flourish
Into one singular forest.

So as I lay,
Exhausted from insomnia and this cold,
I watch our trees grow so tall,
And I breathe in all the fog
And the smell of the leaves
And take in the chirping songs of the birds,
Eyeing hummingbirds and bluebirds.

So as I lay,
I surrender my anxious anticipation
For the other shoe to drop, so they say,
And find comfort, in this.
And find comfort, in us.

You are warmth
You are light
You are strong
You are brave,
But you don't have to be.
You don't have to be,
Not with me.

And i am fearful,
And i am shaking and shaky.
And i hate saying it,
But i am fragile and scared,
But not in the way you see me as.

I can be stronger
I can stand taller
I can be brave.
If only for you.

You called me a thief, but i'm just a survivor,
I'm a fighter.

I've spent my years
Fighting for my life
Or fighting for nothing,
And they ended up being
The same.

Because i came out
Swinging,
And though i was
A little less
Than the best,
I came out with a black eye
And a split lip.

You, being the light that drives me
Should be aware
That though
I love you so,
I'm stronger than you know.

Three hours
Fifteen minutes.
Counting down the seconds
Until I see you.

Today has been
One whole storm of a day,
And not the kind I was raised to
But never truly liked.

I've been feeling like crying
All day long
And things have only gotten worse,
But I know I'll see you
And I'll be okay
And we'll be okay
And the sun will set
And the moon will rise
And we don't have work in the morning,
So let's stay up and talk and laugh and whatever
All night.

There's no reason
I shouldn't be happy.
So **** this ******* ******* of a day,
I'm ready for this evening to begin.
Not letting myself cry because
Tears will ruin this dress.

I'd travel oceans
To be in your arms,
Even if I couldn't swim.

I'd gladly get into a helicopter
To see your smile,
Even though the noise would give me sensory overload.

I'd take the chance
Of being eaten by a Siberian tiger
In the middle of winter
If it meant I got to hear your laugh.

Though I do guarantee I wouldn't be eaten,
We'd probably become friends
'Cause animals are rad and so am I.

I hope you're safe
And I hope your day has been better than mine.

Three hours, seven minutes.

See you soon, Bluebird.

I've got running away running through my veins,
But there's fire in my blood.
You're the only reason I stay,
And I hope you don't mind how I bloom and bud,

Within in the palms of your hands.

Bluebird,
I have running away running through my veins,
But you've got me wanting to stay
Here with you.
Bluebird,
I know it's slow and I know it's soon,
But look closely and watch me bloom.

Sometimes I worry
Because you're not very blatant
Or forthcoming with your words
When you tell me you love me
Or that I'm beautiful
And sometimes I have to remember
That you say these things with
Other words and actions.

Like when you kiss me on the top of my head
When you're playing video games,
Or when you listen to me
When I ask if we can do something else,
Or when we're going outside to talk
And you suggest I put on my slippers.

Or when you hold me in the morning
Before you have to go.

And maybe it's better
That you're not as wordy as I am,
Because it makes the moments
You tell me that you love me so much
Or that my smile is beautiful
So much more
Meaningful.

There's no right way
To communicate,
Is what you told me.

I told you there's a plethora
Of wrong ways.

You told me
That you can't love someone
If you see their flaws,
Essentially that's what you said.

I explained that that's not what love is.

To this day I worry and care for you,
To this day I think about what I could have said
To make you stay.

But that's the thing,
Friends can break your heart too.

And ****,
Did you stomp all over mine,
Right?

The hypocrisy of it all,
I cover it with bitterness
And insults,
Because I can't understand,
I won't understand
The hypocrite you've become.

I refuse to acknowledge
That at one point
Maybe you did care
Maybe you were good.

I'm stubborn,
You know.
And horribly vindictive.

Don't get me wrong,
I'm not perfect.

And if it's a sin to judge you,
Well you know my name,
Send me to a priest,
It won't do any good.

Spread dark wings,
Fly down to the depths,
Don't seek me out.

Don't send your lackeys,
I don't care anymore.

Though part of me is glad
You're happy,
Another part
Desires burning your smile,
Like the heretic you are.

But alas,
Life moves on,
And times goes on,
And we all have days we fail,
And we all have days we fly.

I hope you are happy,
Far, far, far away from me.

Because sinner or otherwise,
I am still flying smoothly.

In fact,
I'd call it soaring,
Along with someone
Who I love dearly,
And treats me better
Than you or your lackeys could fathom.

Do not give up on people,
They're all we've got.

Nothing more,
Nothing less.

What do you call this feeling?
being not so entertained by the game,
but your presence
to the point of loving to spend time
with you as you play.

feeding you little candies
(caramel, sour patch kids, mango hi-chews)
while you play

discussing silly things
like which parts of each other
we love
and kissing
and "fight me" fights.

talking and laughing and the usual
"what am I gonna do with you?"
from you to me
and my usual
"marry me? Have kids with me?"

and your new "well, that's a given."

it's all I could want
and more than I've ever asked for.

your eyes are art,
the light in them fills me up,
the warmth in them breathes life into me.

and finally,
I am me
and I am free,
because my freedom was within you
all along.

I love every part of you,
from the messing with your hair,
to the light of your eyes
to my legs with yours,
intertwined.

I have been through hell and back,
And darling dear,
Trust me that the hell I've seen
Is something you would not survive.

And your surly lies
Leave me with laughter,
I cannot believe
Your audacious behavior.

You're a liar and a fraud,
And honey, I just call it like I see it.
I'm sure it was true to you,
But the truest of truths
Is not what you see.

The truest of truths
Does not paint you as a victim
Or him as a monster,
It paints you as psychotic
And him as naive.

Try
Your hardest
To paint images
Of him
Black.

You will succeed
In angering
The worst of the monsters
You've ever had the fear
Of imagining.

Your reasons for your fears
Are ungrounded,
But your fear
My dear
Is not.

Live well,
And be happy.
You deserve
Nothing more.

But try to poison
My thoughts once more
And you will never taste
Regret
So sweet.

Today the flashbacks hit me hard.
So hard I couldn't breathe.
So hard I got sick.
I don't remember what the trigger was,
It could have been a song
Or a poor turn of phrase.

Today I got home, and rewrapped my mother's wound.
Today I opened some mail for me,
All of which had to do with
An event I'm going to with my Bluebird
That I'm slowly getting more and more excited for
If not nervous.

I'm wearing the ring
Because it's makes me think of you,
Bluebird.
It's a little large.
A little extravagant,
But I can dress it down.

Today we discussed
You meeting me at my appointment on Friday.
And I'm excited.
I've gone from dread
To the excitement of seeing you
And the pain of going back to that town
Has turned into a wanting of the days to be shorter,
So we can be together sooner,
But instead I will be patient.
I will wait calmly and kindly
To fly with you.

All of the todays.
All of the tomorrows.
All of which will lead up to
My hands held in yours.

I know I am far from perfect, and I know I can be a little over zealous at times.

I also know you have most likely yet to decide that these are problems.

I know I have damage and I know I have scars.

I know you don't see it as damage, and I know you don't mind the scars.

I wish I could describe how much I love you rightly. I wish I could describe it with words and colors and sounds you'll understand.

I know I will fail, but that does not mean I should not try:


I love you with all my heart can contain.
I love you more than I have lived.
I love you more than there are flowers that bloom
I love you more than people pray for rain to come soon

If anyone were to say
That I love you less,
They do not know all I wish to confess.

I love you more than
The burdens I bear
Weigh down on my shoulders.

I love you more than I love the smell of fall
I love you more than the familiarity
That is the smell before it snows.
I love you more than all that I know.

I love you so very much,
That my love for you is more
Than any loss I've felt.

And if I were
To lose it all,
I would be fine
As long as it is you
That makes me fall.

I guess loving someone is easy,
When the laughter doesn't stop
And you're lying awake because
Of something they said
And it keeps making you laugh or smile.

But loving someone is harder
When it's 3:45 AM and you're crying on the bathroom floor,
Because the nightmares won't stop,
And neither will the flashbacks,
And everything good has come to a halt
Because you're so scared of ******* this up to.

Loving someone is hard,
No one ever said it was supposed to be easy.

Loving someone is easy,
When it's noon the next day,
And you're trying so hard to be brave
And not think about the night before.
When you're making chocolate chip cookies
And blueberry muffins,
And they're on your mind.

Loving someone is hard,
When you're mom starts talking to you
About how you have to agree with each other
That divorce just isn't the answer,
And that you'll work through anything that comes your way.
But it's hard to hear
Because you've been left behind so many times before
Because you agreed to that mindset
And no one else did.

Loving someone is easy
When they'll touch you and hold your hand and protect you.
When they promise up and down that it's different
That they mean what they're saying.
When you can see that they're telling the truth
Within their eyes and their colors.

Loving someone is hard
When all your life you struggled to love yourself.
But loving someone will never be easy,
Because then it wouldn't be
A worthwhile adventure.

Manic pixie dream girl,
I was some type of cliche
To most.

A starter pack to teach about
How to and how to not
Love,
I was used
As a lesson.

This is right,
This is wrong,
And this is the way
You drive her away.

I was a first,
Never the last.

I never want to
Come in first again.

And it's too much
Too much
This memory,
Who are you to say
What I can and cannot feel,
Who are you to judge my decision
Of getting better?

Get out of my head
Get out of my head
Get out of my head,
I don't want to remember
Anything before or after
December.

And it was my fault
My fault
My fault
The demons in my head eat away at me,
You used his death as a reason to live,
And it didn't destroy you that you couldn't help him,
The way it still eats me up inside.

My birthday isn't mine anymore,
But I didn't want it anyway.
I don't want it anyway
I don't want it anyway.

I was just some type of
"Unattainable"
Pixie dust spilling
Freak of nature
Girl.

And it kills me
That I wasn't human,
Rather some type of hispter writer's
First work,
On a girl he never got to be with,
And I was sadly
Attached and intoxicated
By the toxins that were you two.

I'd rather cut open my flesh,
And bleed the venom out,
Than remember you anymore.

You can't control me
Anymore,
I'm just the bird whose wings you tried to break,
And I'm flying away
I'm flying away
I'm flying away.

It's too much,
Too much
Too much
Too much
The mistakes I made.

I hate remembering
Being reminded
Constantly
That the mistake I made
Was you.

Loving you was a mistake,
Falling into pressure
Was a mistake.

And how do I live
With these sins I've committed
Against my own self?

(It's too much, I can't breathe here now/What can breathing do to change the past?)

Regret rips me apart,
And I'm glad I've found him now,
But I hate who I was and decisions I made.

I will always be too much for some people.
I will always be too emotional.
Too affectionate.
Too clingy.
Too needy.

I will always not be enough for some people.
I don't emote enough.
I don't display enough affection.
I don't touch enough.
I don't articulate enough.

I will always be too much.
Too damaged.
Too guarded.
Too cold.
Too paranoid.

I will always be too much.
Too strong.
Too opinionated.
Too passionate.
Too forgiving.

I will always be too much for some people,
But I'd like to think that maybe
For you,
I am just enough.

A month,
A year,
I can wait.

It doesn't take a toll,
It can't,
In comparison.

I've waited so long,
To be held in your arms.
I've waited for so long
To be yours,
Keeping your memory
A burning secret,
Imprinted in the flesh of the back of my brain.

Like ink scarred into skin,
You lasted longer
Than anything else would.

And I tried to get over it,
Move on from a crush unrequited,
But who am I kidding?

I was never the type of person
To crush on anyone at all.

I loved you
From day one.

So I waited for you,
Three years,
And then seven.

And finally,
After eleven years,
I can whisper
"I love you,"
And the sweetness in your voice
Will say it back,
And you are honeysuckle in the summer,
And crunching leaves in the fall,
And apple cider in winter,
And the promise of renewal in spring.

You are all things,
Waiting on the promise
Of the season to change,
And the change in me.

I've waited so long,
Knowing that you're mine,
I can now wait
As long as necessary
To hold you in my arms,
Each and every night.

As long as you
Are
Mine.

My flesh,
Soft and pale,
Against yours,
All muscular edges
And smooth surface,

Leaves me out of breath
And hopelessly dizzy.

And when you hold me
And speak
The vibrations of your voice
In your chest
Elates me,
As I am all yours,
And you are all mine.

And hearing your laugh,
Or opinion
Makes my day.

Your hand in mine
Brings a light
Forth
On my darkest days.

I am warm as I
Drift off to sleep thinking
About it tonight.

I long to feel your hands pressed into my back,
In an embrace that goes from kissing to much more.

I long to hear your laugh,
And to bathe in the light of your smile.

I want to feel your fingers running through my hair.
Whether you're gently gripping or lulling me to sleep.

I want to be held within your arms, safe and sound from the cruelty of the past, the harsh cold of the present, and the frightening void of the future.

I want to run my fingers along your spine,
Allowing you to let down some, if not all, of your walls.

I yearn to place my lips upon yours, so we may fall into place together.

I love you so, and all I want is to show you
The extent of that love,

So you may never feel inadequate,
So you may never feel left behind.
I want to love you just enough,
And then an infinity more.

Music
Plays over and over and over
In my head
And I reach for earphones
I never plugged in.

I'm shaking off flashbacks,
Like a dog shakes its' flank,
And I'm hoping no one sees me
Dancing 'round the fire in the woods.

I favor the Crucible
Over Gatsby,
But that's because I've always thought
F. Scott Fitzgerald's other works were so much better.

The sky is clear,
So is my mind.
I don't feel clouded,
I don't feel foggy.

I feel real and honestly me,
And I can't speak for anyone else
But I hope to God
I stay this way
For weeks.

I want to live
And I want to be
And look at me
I'm wanting things,
Like laughter and smiles and talks.

I want all the aspects of life
I never really got.

And the sunny clear sky
Makes me think of a certain Bluebird's eyes.

And I'm sure,
Absolutely positively
That anxiety building in my wrists
And the flashbacks I'm keeping at pay
Will fade away
Like the scent of blood
That triggered them.

Stop the flinching from the loud,
And ignore the memories of blood down my legs,
And guilt
So much guilt
So much loss.
Grieving someone that was never a someone,
That I didn't even know was there,
Until it was much, much too late.

Shaking my head,
To shake out the memories
To forget the loss,
And remember the gain.

Loss and pain is necessary
In order to live life knowing
That good can still exist
And how wonderful it feels.

I'm struggling to write this out,
But it needs to be said.

I've lost a lot.
I'm not losing you.

Here's to trying
And giving it all we've got,
All I've got.

I am going to be the best me possible,
If not for me then for you,
And for a future much brighter and warmer
Than a hospital room.

Parents bury their children,
Children bury all they have left,
And I'm sitting here crying over a boy
Who lied when he said he loved me.

Crying would be the wrong word,
Fuming would be better.


Men go to war,
Watch their friends being torn
Limb from ******* limb
By other humans,
And this is supposed to be
A civilized society?

It isn't.

And I'm sitting here,
Groaning and whining over the fact
That I can't stop vomiting,
And that the room won't stop spinning.

Little kids freeze to death
Because they have to sleep in their parents cars
In the middle of winter
Because their parents can't afford a home
And the shelters are full.

While I sit here and type out a poem
About how ******* rough my life has been.

I struggle with not being able to tell
If Right brain or Left brain is in charge,
And depending,
Which gender I would prefer to be referred to as.

I struggle with seeing colors constantly,
In and with everything,
To the point of sensory over load.
But some people never get to see color at all.
They don't even get to know anything more than darkness,
And even then, they don't know the difference.

Some people cry because the person that likes them isn't the right one,
And now they're left alone.
Some people rip their skin apart because
The person who touched them didn't ask permission.

I know.
I've been there.

But it's all trivial,
Isn't it?
Because there's always something worse.
Because if it's not happening to you,
It's not that bad.

Right?

Don't call me trivial, again, darling.
You wouldn't ever want to be where I've been.
I've been to hell and back.

So please, darling,
Fear me when I look into a fire and smile.

Maybe I'm much too plain,
And maybe I'm much too ordinary,
But I can spin tales and
Write soliloquies.

I can paint a new world
With figurative language and imagery.

And some days I don't have much self worth,
Today I'm struggling a lot.
I'd like to think I was some type of
Ethereal vision,
Breath taking and otherworldly,
But I'm not.

I dunno.

Maybe I could be.

Maybe one day you'll see me that way.

But I'm really good
At making comfort food
And cuddling
And deep conversations
And consoling other people
And compliments
And finding cute pictures and videos
And using slang that isn't from this decade,
Like all that jazz, cool your jets, and rad.

Maybe I'm not so bad,
I just hope you can try to find
Some type of good within my mind
Tonight.

Only so much
For so long.
You can only last for so long
Before it all bleeds together.

I've never been fond of
Love triangles in literature,
To me love is more of a tangled thread.
There's not much choice to it, really.

You cannot fight your heart on who you love,
You can only choose whether or not to act on it.

And sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night,
And you, laying there, resting peacefully comes into my vision.
And even when I can't feel my lungs
Because I'm breathing too quickly from the nightmares,
You being beside me is like a wave of calm
Washing over me.

And I know none of this makes sense,
I don't have enough coherent thoughts
To really write today.

Ah, the result of trying my hand
At a novel.