I'd be lying if I said I didn't at least wish
For things to be a little different
But I chose each of these paths branching
And sometimes I want to weep
Alone in the forest with the willows
But I sigh deeply and alone
In a mountain of soft pillows
So I suppose things could be worse

I know so many more sunrises are coming
And there's still time for transformation
But it's hard to rise and not want to sleep
And these molehills seem so steep

I'd be lying if I said I have been content
There's just no excitement anymore
I used to be vibrant neon sweet
Now I feel like a box of stale cornflakes
With an AARP discount on the back
A water damaged readers digest
Scrambling to try and find the cool me
In this sea of melancholy poetry

Seattle eyes,
Longing, searching,
Filling and flowing,
To be earthed,
With arms open
In a puddle

Phoenix lips,
Pursed, bitten,
Scabbed at the corners
Red in the center
Waving cautiously
To Seattle draught

New York fingers,
Fidgeting, picking,
Anxiously waiting
For the electricity
Of a subway stare,
"Get the **** over here".

Scotch tape and super glue,
To keep me all collected.
Chewing gum and safety pins,
Those also work in a pinch.

Cement strapping me down,
When I just want to float away.
Counting sheep gets boring,
These days everything is dull.

Feelings are hard to organize,
Sometimes harder to express.
I can be really fine on the outside,
But this interior is a mess.

Some days I want to unravel,
Let everything just slip away.
My hands are calloused and dry,
From gripping too **** tightly.

I wonder how it feels to be weightless,
To forgive and forget and breathe.
To wake up refreshed and ready,
No glue or gum or pins or tape.

Fixation
False prophet
Following
Sweating
Showering
Salivating
Submissive

Clutch your cross
Getting nailed
Deep breaths
Derailed

Worshiped
Leather licked
Rebuked
Invoked
Delivered
Baptized
Kept

Pineapple.
I'll hold you forever.
Stay right here,
Warm beside me,
In this disheveled bed,
Skin touching skin,
And then back in.

Curved lips,
Sick chuckle,
Raw dog,
White knuckle,
Belt buckle;
A couple

Cool wet water,
Nightstand,
Long weekend,
Hand in hand,
Sun descends,
I descend,
Pineapple.

I'm keeping the last drop in the drawer
Beside me inside my bedside table
Where once both of our things littered
Atop that cheap Ikea wrongly assembled
Square that posed as a treasure chest
And doubled as dining table and trash can

The last drop of romantic feelings
That weren't dead on impact upon
The drunken uselessly endless aggressive
Words spat sitting at the kitchen table
Where I was fighting to be numb
And you were fighting to be loved

When I'm healthy enough to gear out of
Autopilot and back into attempting to try
Accepting the rush of human experience
I can put that drop under microscope
And get experimental with how to love
Without purposely trying to drown myself

Feet first into the cosmic sea
Swelling and crashing over
All our buildings and dreams
Forever is a children's fable
Sit and watch me start to fade

Green spec on the wonder bread
And totally unnoticed she'll spread
Until every slice is perfectly saturated
And eventually tossed into the trash
And eventually tossed into a landfill

Feet first into the cosmic sea
Where we do go when breathing ceases
Deceased and tossed into the trash
And eventually tossed into a landfill
With all the other promises of forever

It's not my job to worry
It's my job to experience
To feel what I feel
To then release what I feel
Like a breath of smoke
Like a conscious exhale
To be downloaded
Added to the collection
To later be reviewed
Prior to being released
Back down with the sheep

This plague is disastrous...
No casualties quite yet,
But my skin does bubble,
And my soul itches constantly.

I'm sure you're somewhere,
Doing something with someone,
Letting me drop so far
Into your unvisited archives.

Back with the forceps,
And your grand confusion,
Of who or what you thought
You needed to be.

The cough has calmed,
Dreams grow a little strange,
I think of you only once in a while,
But you still are my plague.

Particles scattered once again
Humility found beneath debris
High pitched tones in each corner
Sinking quickly down into the sea
Brisk flashes fill the night
A haunted lullaby repeated
Wailing mothers and children
And sirens simply screaming
Chaos ensues and it envelopes
The soul like a gold cast
With prayers ascending
To be immediately ignored
Brought back to the dark ages
Soul torn from flesh
Dripping crimson pleading
Peace is an easy concept
When the only war you've ever known
Is the one that rages deep inside
From when home didn't feel like home

If there's a space inside,
I'd love if I could occupy.
Two patches just waiting,
To be sewn to a denim jacket.
Perhaps side by side?
Fibers barely touching.

I'd be happy to be your company,
Growing into gentle brush strokes.
Sunlight setting your eyes on fire,
Amber glow that keeps me warm.

If there's a space inside,
I'd very much like to occupy.
Destroy that vacancy sign,
And turn your heart into home.
Just two patches who,
Finally found their jacket.

Pure thoughts come too,
At night when I think of you;
Like the brightness in your eyes,
And sincerity of your smile...
Small details that wouldn't matter,
To anyone who only glanced.

I'm a fool for thinking of you,
Because it ends before it starts,
But how swiftly sinks the heart,
And your grin pulls at my strings.

Soon our conversation will die,
And the pressure will subside,
While I watch your number sink,
To the bottom of my cell phone.
Because it ends before it starts,
And so swiftly sinks the heart.

Loneliness tastes like pavement,
Licked that time I fell,
Hard onto my face.

That time I tried to pretend,
That I was exactly the same,
As those sad boys around me.

I was the saddest of them all,
Angry and eager to fall,
With no one to help me.

Bandages removed with haste,
Love quickly turned to waste,
I took notes and grew.

Overtaken by an opaque fog,
I conjured for protective purposes.
Spreading further than was casted,
I tried to grow in the darkness.

Years collected like fireflies,
Shaken and angry in a jar.
Lost and hungry for vengeance,
Rage fizzled into longing.

The fog is starting to subside,
The shock is briskly setting in.
Wasted years dancing behind me,
And I can see the sun rising.

Sedimentary in deep black pools
With blueish bright boundaries
Blinking far less than needing to
Sinking with cement ankle thoughts
Bubbles of air lazily finding the surface
To burst and very quickly blend in

With permission I'd dive inside
To sink to your depth and sit beside
Far down where in darkness you reside
A locked up cage that you're confined

Let those sad eyes fill and spill
I'll find the bottom and retrieve
Disturb the surface with your vessel
Create some ripples and leave
Because all you have is fear
And I can see in the dark

From ashtrays I rise,
With a cigarette smile.
My circles are smoke,
Small and fading.

Heart heavy,
Sinking quickly,
Sick feeling.

Pursed lips drinking,
Sweet ignorance.
Dancing blissfully,
Tantalizing, tingly.

Heart heavy,
I'm dreaming,
Sick feeling.

Birthed by hatred,
Burning forever.
Fizzled but returned,
In a cloud of smoke.

Crash landed before midnight,
No clear mission was given.
Light surrounded my cradle,
Quickly collected information.
Quivered, crawled, and ran,
The challenges grew rougher.

My hands stayed pretty soft,
My heart was full of light.

Crash landed into his arms,
Not old enough to understand.
Light surrounded his mattress,
I softly stroked his cheek.
Quivered, crawled, and ran,
Home when my heart cracked.

My hands stayed pretty soft,
My heart had lost some light.

Crash landed into a new home,
Everything I'd lost was found,
Light surrounded that house,
My panic faded in lacy wisps.
Quivered, crawled, and ran,
Home when the casket closed.

My hands stayed pretty soft,
My heart was now a hole.

Crashing and careless,
Everything stayed ruined.
Light packed up and left,
Panic moved back in.
I barely moved an inch,
Adapt or die.

My hands stayed soft,
My heart found a spark.

Crash landed into reality,
Where no one had waited.
Light flicked and then stayed,
I evicted my anxiety.
Quivered, crawled, and ran,
Into the morning with a plan.

I guess I'll watch you drown
Let me put on my clown nose
Then you can waste my time
Articulating why I'm so awful
For wanting you to be okay

I guess you'll be going soon
Up to the Coors light mountains
Then maybe down to Miami
Where you'll come to realize
I was only speaking the truth

Or maybe you'll linger here longer
And use me as target practice
Because you just could not
Get yourself up out of bed
And immersed into the world

You only ever talk about

Ice cubes melt and evaporate,
In a salt rimmed glass.
Shaken and garnished with lime,
Denied and left there to dry.

Time moves slower at night,
The bar looks at me in lust.
Strength is found at sunrise,
Another battle is won.

Memories are loud sometimes,
Crying out to be fed.
Terrified to be dealt with,
Screaming in rage when wet.

Crystal clear,
This bitter sweet memory,
When time was golden,
And everything was fine.

Ash soon did cover,
And not much was clear.

Until the other day,
You sat on my porch,
Crystal clear,
And I felt alright.

The smoke was an offering,
Mostly to memory,
And all I lost,
When your flame died.

Furniture wrapped in plastic,
Clocks and crosses hug the walls.
Pastel colored trinkets on the shelves,
Silence fills each corner of the room.

Flowers on the kitchen table,
Falling one petal at a time,
She dives into the blue,
With a cozy glass of wine.

Coffee with one sugar,
English muffin dry,
Bird watch til nine, then
Days of our lives.

Tunafish on toast,
Water with fresh lime,
A passage from the Bible,
To forgive her of her crimes.

Dinner is a Xanax,
To give her that soft glow.
Her eyelids start to flutter,
Her dreams start to flow.

She's lived like this for years,
Probably always will.
Pills, prayer, and trinkets,
And Jesus as her thrill.

A memory emerges
Like a toxic bubble
Making it's way up
Through the sludge
Emitting such a
Rancid smell
From where it came
From where it dwells
Twisted and lonesome
Waiting for night to fall
And then it crawls
From the black pit
Of discarded times
And it bites my hand
And the venom courses
Making it's way hastily
To my heart feeling heavy
And I want to end it all
I am embarrassed so badly
And I feel a heavy sadness
And if I could I truly would
Go back in time and erase it
But it happened
It occured
It's absurd
But before the venom reaches
And stops my pumping valves
I forgive myself
And the creature goes away
Taking it's poison along
Back down to it's dank hole
And I seal it's awful opening
And I refuse to go back
And I keep looking forward

Branches reach out gently,
To stoke the moons cheek;
And to remind her she is lovely.

In return she shines brighter,
And his leaves vibrantly glow;
And she reminds him he is strong.

Her phases constantly change,
And seasons steal his leaves,
And they drift apart for a while.

They do this dance each year,
And the circle goes around,
They are lovely and in love.

Can't shake this dismal dreary feeling
That finally everything is crumbling
Not sweet like a fruity baked confection
But asphalt angrily shaking beneath me
To split wide open and fully swallow
Like my eager younger wild years
Looking for a chest to rest my head
To kiss lips and caress confessions
Descending to look up at and into
A plethora of changing angles and eyes
Lips bitten and smitten quickly departing
Leaving me even more so anxious
Glaring at the swinging arms of clocks
A paradox I've fallen in obsession with
To someday clean this filthy slate
And I feel the Earth start to quake
I'm ready to drink the Kool aid
Ascend beyond the shards of glass
That resembled the twinkle of stars
Knowing that I'll drift to sleep
To foolishly repeat the cycle
Until it's not a false alarm

Contortions and words,
Blended into bliss,
Awaiting midnight,
To kiss the stars.

North wind is angry,
The chimes sing heavy,
Hands cupped and catching,
Refreshing breeze.

To me it's not a craft,
It's an understanding,
Of completely being,
And completely letting go.

Prophecies in the scrying mirror
Something had gone totally awry
I'd taken the wrong prong in the fork
And have been obsessively wondering why
My dreams and intentions were simple
Build a galaxy and life with my love
But he was just a crow painted white
The peaceful milky shade of a dove
This dream must come to a flat line
A ****** from within must ensue
This secret depressions gone on too long
A rewiring and new outlook is due

The worst memories are the cleanest,
Visited so regularly no dust collects,
No spiders crawl in to spin their webs.

The walls are yellowed with smoke,
And the table's water damaged with rings,
From all the hours spent there pondering.

The worst memories are the cleanest,
Organized daily to keep them clear,
Polished and treated like a shrine.

The curtains are heavy and allow no light,
The air is heavy and tastes like the sea,
Once you're there it's hard to leave.

I'll beckon the flames to rise again,
Brush off the dust that infests.
Temperature growing with my breathing,
I want every spec of darkness within.
Show me the being you hide inside,
Sadistic and thirsty for pleasure pleading.

Destroy the rage inside my soul,
Dissect what's left for you to soil.
I'll bow my head in understanding,
Lick my lips as you **** me.

This labyrinth of love inspires me,
Hide and seek in fields of flowers...
They say the itch will go away,
I'm raw from anticipation.
Come quickly into my embrace,
It's really the safest place.

Destroy the rage inside my soul,
Burn all that was ever soiled.
I'll bow my head in understanding,
Scream out loud as you **** me.

Pressure,
It interrupts my sleep
And hides diamonds
Deep in it's womb

Only darkness
Like the quaint
Colonial home
My anxiety squats in

Pressure
Washing the walls
Opening the windows
Evicting this despair

I can't put my finger,
On this scent that lingers,
Between these four walls.
A smile starts to form here,
But fades into gloomy lines,
I'm unaware as to why.

Locked doors behind my eyes,
Pounding until I'm asleep.
There's something decadent,
Gracing the air in this room.
Lips blurry and in no hurry,
To choose an emotion.

My lids flutter to a closed sign,
No lights or occupied bar stools,
But faint music echoes whispering,
The pounding is now soft bass.
And I can fully see your face,
And smell your laundry detergent.

Sea to share the shore
But she's a sociopath
Skillfully she shimmers
Sways and slithers

He didn't see it coming
That great wall of water
When she averted his eyes
To a wondrous pastel sky

Sea submerged the shore
Secretly and sneakily
Sinking ships and scenery
A wet and salty cemetery

I realized as I was skimming
The tattered debris of my mind
That it had been quite some time
Since I had summoned you

I suppose I was relieved
I cast you back into the pond
I hope you settled at the bottom
I'll avoid the surface for a while

I dreamed of the apocalypse again
It's not as scary as one would think
I'm used to the bleak kiss of goodbye
I've almost always felt hollow

May he be created of Earth
The man who takes my breath
He who tends to my raging fire
The calmer of my chaotic sea

Coerce me down from colliding clouds
Where rainfall drowns out the sound
Of my diligent thoughts dividing and
More so often than not multiplying

May his granite eyes become my home
To tether me to this place dissolving
Such as quicksand but at a glacial pace
Might the branch to save me be his face

I'm tethered but it's fraying
My body is here but it's decaying
And I'm trapped inside my head
Just too drained to leave this bed

Fleeting are my white lace dreams
Aisle of blood red roses guiding
Two lives into one grand eternity
Glimmering like a polished diamond
Clasped hand in hand not clammy
But passionate and exuberant

Candles floating in frosted vases
Two figures sitting atop a cake
Vows to keep each other afloat
Vows to keep each other great

Notebook plans for a grand evening
Surrounded by love and twinkle lights
Aspirations of his and his first dance
But since you nothing's ever felt right
My white lace dreams are fading
They get blurrier every night

Venture to our secret place
Even in storms severe
No one can keep me away
Under your galaxy shrine
Simmer in my longing

Incredible how long I've held onto
Something so awfully pointless

Certainly I will be released
Rid myself of this obsession
Your image to one day fade
Ice melting to evaporate
Noticing a weight lifting
Glimpses of finding freedom

Burnt orange eyes,
Craving those brooding,
Deep voice cooing,
Decadent and distorted.

Undeserved inquiry,
Lips pursed and thirsty,
Caution tape ignored,
To be your crime scene.

Mascara on your cheek,
Lipstick bleeding,
Bite marks impressed,
Of course with warning.

Burnt orange eyes,
Specs of red glimmer,
Might you be the saint,
And I the sinner.

At this point I am absolutely aware
Birds have nibbled the whole trail
Of crumbs scattered loosely behind me
For you to follow and for you to find me

Nothing is worth measuring time
Dusk to dawn to candles burning out
Candles being blown out surrounded
By people and laughter and nothing

A dream found damaged and gathered
In my basket while on a visit to grandma
Heart ripe red and silver spoon fed to you
Only to become the evil queen at the end