To realize I never knew you
Makes me wonder who exactly I thought I knew
A “lost cause” was an excuse…
Your true self was hidden from everybody, and from me too
And the one chance I had to get some information, like, “How are you?”

I ask your coworker if you still work there
And she says no
Makes me wonder where you are
Makes me wonder how is your family who I never met,
And how I could let you in so easily
You were like another lost soul I was ready to mend
I think it is time to let go
I gotta stop thinking “what if”
And take the moment as it was,
A sad, tragic, three months of lust
Like a car crash in the dark, we didn’t know when the ride would stop
And then we lost touch of talk, and speech in our touch
We were lost, like hikers at dusk
Now that we are 2 years older, would it be similar?
Or would you still break my heart with every word and girl you compared me with?

Make me sad again
So I won't have an appetite
So I don't eat anymore
So I lose weight
And I become happy with myself.

I settle for less
Because less is more
Right?

I don't know what to label you
As everything in my life has a place
You stand in between the lines of friend and boyfriend.
It's really ******* with my head
Now as I said before
We can't be a couple
Rather, an admirer
Who lives two hours away
But will come knocking at your door
When inquired
I don't know what to tell you
When I took you to the beach
The cops showed up
And we ran, from red and blue
Lights that lit up the sea
And upon your window sat a fat parking ticket
I felt bad because you were sad that we missed it,
The fact, of course
That we couldn't be parked there anymore.

Silence on the way back to my house
And I still don't know what to call you
As I rub your neck,
The back of your head
I think I should calm you

Should I kiss you?
Should I say sorry?
Maybe you're not picking up what I'm putting down
Maybe you're too selfish to notice my pout

Another song to shut the **** up to
It reminds me of the butterflies David gave me when he would drive me home just to f*ck me ******* my futon after my dance show.
It reminded me of the fights before sociology class in the parking lot of school and pretending everything was cool, it's all in the past.
He ******* played that song like it was fresh strawberry cheesecake every time he heard it
I wanted to scream and thrash and cry and complain and I wanted to burn it
Those songs,
No matter the message
Will always be negative
Because they remind me of a more handsome, more ******* of a boyfriend.

It’s strange to look back on it now, the dust has settled down and I can glance around.
Memories are like flashbacks, they’re like visions.
Sometimes they feel like dreams, as if they never even happened.
2 and a half years felt like a dream, I guess that’s how it seems. These memories follow me and purposely leave scars on my heart, Tiny marks and dents that you’ve made on me.
Your scars were from self harming.
Your words were promising.
Telling me to not worry about everything
Then you proceed to just tell me you want me
Well honey I’m crying now, while on the ground, because you hurt me more than I’ve ever felt.

Yes the memories still haunt me like a lullaby, but it doesn’t put me to sleep.
At midnight I’m wide awake from the shame you put me through. How blind and naive could a girl be to fall for what I already knew. What I knew were your lies that I pushed aside, in my mind, they fall into my subconscious.
Every action and thought, every effect, every cause, stored in my subconscious without further ado.
Until they are brought up, like a wave, this rush, this onslaught of defense, I told them,
“You don’t know what I do!”
But what is the truth?
What is truth when you believe in lies?

Every weekend, I take boys to the beach.
At midnight he grabs his keys and drives me to the most serene, yet rocky beach.
The water feels warm, but it makes my touch cold.
I get wet from playful splashing, we were laughing, but I was holding back my feelings.
Not really ready to dive in. Not touching, not even loving,
Just enjoying his time and the gas he spent.
Just for me.

Another week passes, another piece of magic.
Before college and the knowledge I had,
Before I knew what was about to happen:
I'm nearly **** in a two-piece. Pulling and tugging at my assets, Glancing and once more, laughing at our conversations filled with flirting.
Not knowing what I'm wanting.
Second guessing my flaunting.
I'm a siren singing a song of tragedy.
Luring these boys who want to fix me.
He held me close, and didn't want to let go.
His lips touched my neck, my back, my shoulder, but I didn't roll over.
He still held me near for warmth on this cold, cold, sandy beach.

On my last breath, on my last note, I closed my eyes for a time and I just wanted to go.
I was done with love and searching for closure in the ocean’s moisture.
I was done with making promises, hearing them say they love all of this; I was especially done with the lies that they practiced, behind their eyes there was no reflection.
Now all these boys want the ocean.

And that much I notice.

I am a siren and I sing my song until I can no longer breathe oxygen.
That is when the ocean swallows my sorrow for a while when I follow them.
The boys line up, and I catch feelings for one.
He understands my song.
He sang it once.
Drove two hours just to find where it was coming from.

And on that same beach, different waves pushed and pulled that night.
Smiles lit up the dark sky, and we laughed and kissed under the moon’s tide.
Yes, I am a siren.
I am a hypocrite.
I sing to my heart's content, till it's tired, worn out, and I become irritated.
But my love comes from within.
No matter how dark it is, the lighthouse is in him.

That kiss. That wet kiss under the sprinklers set me up to fall for more like you.
The way I could wrap my arms around your lean body and feel the crease in the spine.
I broke my lip on your braces once.
Between the sheets, the cheats, the lies, and the love I thought we had.
The first I touched.
For two and a half years I held onto you, you were all I knew, and you were a part of my heart.
An extension of my expression toward you.
You never told me the truth.
I felt everything from thirst to bloodlust, I thought it was love.
Until you told me the truth.
What I went through was 8 months of questioning and searching for closure behind closed doors.
The anxiety of wondering if you were with another, your ex, you, holding her in your arms.
I had to go to therapy to cope with the abandonment, the harassment, and the divorce my parents were going through.
I asked her how could I fix you.
All you said were lies.
And through all of the lies I was blind to the truth.
Forcibly I told myself you were not hiding from me.
I tried to believe.
With every logical cell in my body, telling me,
“Stop believing”
“He's deceiving”
“He's a crazy liar” And my heart was on fire.
Because you abused me.
What else can I say.

8 months.

Those 8 months of not knowing how to move on.
You implanted your roots of evil, sprouting already dead flowers inside my head. Posing a threat,
to my values and beliefs. Every man who wanted me
wanted my body. They wanted my gullible personality.
Just because I'm quiet doesn't mean I don't know how to scream. Just because I'm locked up doesn't mean I don't have a key.
You could say it was my choice to stay that long
2 AND A HALF YEARS
is all it takes to realize where I went wrong.
2 AND A HALF YEARS
it took me to notice your sick, twisted, wicked, vile mind go to work on your greatest specimen, me.
I. Will be. The greatest thing. You ever did conceive.