i wonder how people would react
if i just left.
if nobody ever saw me again.
if i built a new identity
in a new city
where nobody knows who i am.

where nobody knows im trans.
where nobody knows the things ive done
where nobody knows the things ive seen..

just
alone.
that would be nice, wouldnt it.
for everyone.

maybe you all would like me better if you didnt know me
if i wasnt here
if i was a runaway.

i am a sculpture
in a world of paintings.
round
while they are flat.

my voice too high,
my chest too big,
my hips too wide,
my face too round,
my eyes too large.

they all know.
they know what i am.
a **** up.
a mistake.
an actor.
a ***.

i wish nobody knew
i wish everyone thought adrian was my name
i wish i was a boy
i wish i was a boy
i wish i was a boy but wishing does ******* nothing.

so i'll keep being a sculpture
in a world of paintings.

im homesick for arms that never held me.
she asks me what i want.
what i want?
what ive wanted my whole life.
for her to be my mom.
for hugs and comfort
instead of yelling and screaming.

what i want?
i want to be as loved as my brother even though i'm not perfect.
even though im not cis, or straight, or smart, or amazing, or normal.
i want her to not mean it when she says she hates me.

what i want?
i want to be heard.
i want to be heard even if it doesnt interest her
even if its not about her
even if she doesnt care.

what i want?
i want a mom.

my throat is raw
from screaming to a god
that doesn't exist.
begging them
to take me home.
this isnt my home.
this is my house.
this is where i got screamed at.
this is where i tried to die.
this is where i almost lost my only family.
this is where i bled.
this is where i fought.
this is where my sister got attacked by my dad.
this is where i'm not welcome.
my mom hates me
and my dad agrees.
i didnt want to be this way.
why did you ******* make me this way?
i shouldnt have been trans.
i shouldnt have been queer.
i shouldnt have been mentally ill.
i didnt ask for this
so i keep screaming
to the god that doesnt exist
begging them to take me away

screwdriver
pencil sharpener
blade.
how many scars
have i made?
i count them all
why not make another,
my simple minded brother?
its not like they heard you bawl
its not like they picked up your calls
its not like they ******* asked if you were okay when you kept punching the walls.
screwdriver...
pencil sharpener...
blade...
how many scars...
have i made...?

i walked downstairs to my room
and cried the way i had taught myself.
curled up in a ball
tears dripping to the ground
gripping the floor
screaming
crying
yelling
but never heard.
silent.
i would never wake my family!
why, that would be mean.
so i cry.
silently.
and rip my hair out
and try not to cut
and punch the floor
and hug myself
and punch myself
and hate myself and feel so, so sorry for the little boy who had to deal with this.
for myself.
i hate this

if you're gonna leave me
please tell me first
they faked their love
so i guess that's why it hurts

if its all a joke
will you just tell me now?
i dont care why,
i dont care how.

if you're just the same as them
let me know.
i'll be hurt
i won't yell though

i'm sorry i'm too scared to trust you
i know its all my fault
but i would rather for you hate me
than to not care at all

why do i even bother
fighting with someone like you?
no matter what i did,
it was the wrong thing to do.

too often,
we fight and scream and yell.
you hate me?
well i'm glad i put you through hell.

you should've loved me
for who i am instead,
not some silly little image
of a perfect girl in your head.

well i'm not your little girl anymore.
that ship has sailed.
you should've been my mom,
but guess what? you ******* failed.

i'll never forget
the way i screamed
when i woke up and saw her note.

the moment inbetween
where i didnt know
if my only family
the only one who had loved me
was even alive.

i knew from a young age i wasn't right.
i knew my parents didn't like that.
i knew that i couldn't be as perfect as my brother.
i knew that they wouldn't accept me.

but my sister
she loved me anyways
and she tried to die.
what if she had succeeded?
what if she was gone?
what would the last 4 years have been like?
would i still even be alive?

thank god
she's still here.

and just when i thought i was getting better
i fall back down
deeper
deeper
and deeper
until i dont know who i am
anymore

you tried so hard to be a girl, didn't you?
you tried to help them like you.
you tried to get them to stop.
you tried to keep her as your friend.
but did it help?
was it worth it?
did you succeed?
you never asked for anything.
you never asked for help.
you always pretended to be happy, even the morning after you tried to slit your throat.
you always blamed the cuts on your cat.
you stayed with the friends who manipulated you because at least you had someone.
you cried to yourself every night because of how much it hurt.
because nobody cared.
because they weren't seeing you.
you kept telling yourself
that it was almost over.
but it never was.
oh, how i wish i could go back in time and tell you
that it would get better.
that you would find people who loved you.
that you would come out,
you would cut your hair,
and you would be happy for a while.
oh, how i wish i could tell you not to trust her.
she seemed nice but she ****** us up.
oh, how i wish i could tell you
that you should have been yourself
even if they hurt you.
because it was so, so worth it in the end.
oh, how i wish i could tell you that they weren't worth your time.
that you were amazing the way you were.
that you didn't have to change yourself for them.
you had to be yourself.
the right people will come.
oh, dear younger me,
how i wish i could tell you that it gets better.

your sticks and stones
didn't break my bones
but god, did your words hurt me

let's have a court,
the type with guns and swords
and there will be no jury

im sorry im too clingy
im sorry im too touchy
im sorry im too loud
im sorry you always need to help me

im sorry i relapsed
i really did try
i know im annoying
i should just ******* die

youre better off without me
i think we both know that its true
i dont get
why i keep hurting you

my mask has gotten oh so heavy
but i don't want them to see
the person behind the facade
the real me

they barely see me, they see the mask
but it's cracking through
if i took off my mask
would you still love me like i love you?

i wish i could be me
but they would hurt me again
so i'll keep wearing this heavy mask
until i can finally break the chain

you know what?
i want to hold your hand
i want to hug you
i want to text with you late at night
i don't give a **** if it's cliche
i don't give a **** if it's cringe
we can be cringy together

i wish i could go back in time
and see my younger self
and warn him
that it would only get worse

i can tell you want me to be a different person
******* say it
say it one more ******* time

you wish i was a different person?
so do i.
you hate me?
so do i.

i'm so ******* tired of being the problem child.

i don't want to be this way
stop ******* acting like it's my fault

i am a porcelain doll
a presentation, a display
if i crack
they'll see my decay

i am an actor
a phony, a fake
i bind my chest
and hope i don't break

i am a marionette
a puppet, a toy
"look at this ***...
he'll never be a real boy."

sister's a smoker
brother says ****
mommy doesn't listen
and daddy gets mean when he's drunk

but we're the perfect family to them all
because they can't see
the family behind the mask
of who we pretend to be

the yelling, the fighting
it always turns out the same
maybe i'm the ******* problem
because it's always this way

god, i'm so sorry
last time was really close
i'm doing better now
i promise

just don't look under my sleeve
and it'll all be okay

i think you might like me
but i'm scared of what you'll do
if i say something wrong
or if you don't like me too

what if you hate me
after i say it?
i don't want to ruin what we have.
so take my feeling, measure it, weigh it

maybe you're just like this
or maybe its something more
but if i do something wrong
what if things can't go back to the way they were before...?

you noticed that his room was becoming messy.
"lazy."
you noticed that he had stopped showering.
"disgusting."
you noticed that he had started talking less.
"he's just going through a phase."

but you never noticed how his short sleeves turned into baggy hoodies.
you never noticed that he had stopped eating.
you never noticed that the happy little boy you used to have was leaving.

you never noticed it was getting bad
until it was almost too late

i draw with silver
lines, x's and spots
under a sleeve
so i never get caught

my canvas is my skin
and so with the blade i drag
across my peach paper
so they won't be mad

i'm sorry, mom
i'm sorry, dad
i'll never be the son you wanted to have
perfect grades,
happy and smart

i'm so sorry...
i'm sorry i have to tear us apart

thirty three days
since it last happened
since the blood oozed all over my skin
and i danced alone in my room
covered in red
a bitter, ****** up dancer
spinning, deeper
deeper
deeper
even deeper
into the dark
it hurt so much
but i loved it
the way it gushed out
when i leaped
i hate how warm it made me feel

so i keep twirling into this madness
and try to make it never happen again

why do i always have to fall in love with the people who will never love me

I fell for a poet
An expert with his words
By night a whisper,
By day unheard

I fell for a poet
A hazy, giggly dream
A little boy in a teenager's body
A life ripped at the seams

I fell for a poet
Who's writing love poems I'll never read
For someone else in his life,
Anyone but me.

I fell for a poet
So I'll wait, quiet as the sea
For this feeling to fade
Or for him to fall for me

i have three categories of people
alive
dead
and dead to me

you, sir,
can get the **** out of my life

I Miss when we were friends
When we would sit and laugh
I didn't savor those moments
And so they left in a flash

We used to be so close
i shared with you my heart
And I know this is normal,
Growing apart.

Summer went to fall
And fall ended too fast
The frost and snow fell
Because nothing good lasts

But the flowers thaw through
And new things start
So I think I'm okay
with us growing apart.

Tw: blood, ******, violence

A cold blade presses Against my neck.
My breath fast and quick,
My heart is racing.
I squint my eyes,
But i force them open
Knowing this might be the last i see,
So I look at the sky,
The knife still at my throat.

“Go ahead. Do it. I know what you want.”

A familiar voice responds.
The warm breath tickles my ears as he responds.

“Try again.”

He loosens the grip.
I turn around.
His dark hood leaves a shadow,
Blocking his face.
My hands shake.
i watch as his steady hands pull the hood down.
I look at a perfect replica of someone I know.
Someone i know too well.

“Surprised?”
He whispers smugly.

my eyes close
And I laugh
Because I felt it
I knew,
I knew the whole time.
He pulls me back again,
gripping the blade even tighter than before.
I laugh once more,
Not from fear
But because I knew the whole time
I'm The one doing this to myself.
I'm the one holding the blade.
I'm the monster.
I'm the murderer
So I let myself slash the knife.

goodbye, old me
You never did anything for me anyway

we
          are
not
         the
same


        and i hope
we never are.

       you
worthless
     hopeless
undeserving
      awful
monster.

we
          are
not
         the
same.

you left me
feeling sorrow
telling them
"he'll forget about it tommorow."

your hugs were empty
no love, or care
and then i knew
my feelings you couldn't spare.

because you don't love me
you never did
why would you do this
we're just kids

you saw it as fun
while you dragged the knife
painfully across my skin
and slowly took my life

but somehow i still miss you
so much about you
i miss your empty hugs
you weightless compliments
i miss the way
i cared so much about you
even though i knew
you never cared at all.

Came back
Survived the ride
Plunged into dark
Saw the light

I'm back!!!
I will now be posting
Regularly
I missed you all

I kissed someone last night
But something was off
Her lips pressed against mine
We made it clear that it was platonic
But the whole time
I was thinking of him
The sound of his voice
When he talks about something he loves
The way he curses when he drops his trombone
His laugh
His sigh
I don't think I've ever liked a girl
I kissed someone last night
And it was so, so wrong.

i let him read my poetry
as he flipped through the pages,
i hoped
he wouldn't recognize
the ones i wrote about him

i don't like myself
at all
i hate my body

i hate the was my stomach sticks out
when i sit
i hate the way my feminine structure looks
while wearing normal ****
i hate the way the skin
on my thighs sag
i hate the way i cover my body
with everything
anything i can find
because i'm not okay
i hate my body

there was a boy
who was nothing but ink
he would speak
and words would

f
            a
l
            l

out from his mouth
words that nobody wanted to hear
because he said too much
people don't want to know him
anymore

i'm breathing fast
i'm seeing the past
things i don't want to remember
hit me like a blast

anxiety rising
breath denying
i'm hearing their words
i feel like i'm dying

their words hit me like a stab
i crunch like a crab
that they stepped on
i feel a jab

words bleed out of my chest
as i remember what i don't want to
i'm not ready
wait... just let me

try
to
forget

tubes in my veins
taking my blood
surrounded by doctors
asking me questions

no privacy
every door is open
nothing to support
my addictions

eyes everywhere
watching my every move
telling me
what i can & can't do

being forced to eat
when i can't.
"if you gain any more weight, they will just start bullying you again,",
the voices in my head say.

i want to get out
i'm scratching at the walls
slamming doors
screaming

this isn't helping
it's making me feel worse
i can't ******* eat
why can't they ******* understand?!

i just want to go home
i want to see my friends
i want to be in the school play again
i just want to go home

let me go home
this isn't helping
they make me feel ******* insane
...
what if i am?

hey everyone!! i would like to make it stated that i am not supposed to be writing this, yet here i am. i am currently in residential treatment. i am not going to go into details because there are some things i would rather to keep private. i have my school computer so i am able to write this, but i am technically breaking the rules because they haven't approved this website yet. that is why i havent been posting. i am still writing poetry though, so when i get out (which might be in a month, 2 or 3) i will post them all  :) thank you all for your support so far and i will be back :D