When I was a kid, the thought of growing up
gave me a weird sickening stomach feeling.
I am grown up now.
But often don’t believe it
           (Until I see the fine lines around my eyes).

When you are a kid
You can meet another kid
And just play and have fun.

In theory it should be the same for adults.
But the games we play are often so complicated
That neither party can agree upon or even understand
                 All the rules.

I have been told it is not good to live in the past.
Who are the people who make up these rules?
Everything, including the past, has its place in life.

What I liked about childhood was its simplicity.
Just live and play.
Avoid the rest of the stuff.
Try to win when you can.

The end of an era. ….
If these walls could talk…..  
there are certain places
Places that come alive
just before the moon reflects brightest
And out come the creatures of the night
Until the cranes and wrecking ***** put an end to  the parties full of passion and misery
Fueled by fuel from Mexico and now China and the occasional trailer  which escapes explosion in the Arizona desert
And just like the destruction of the rainforest
A different sort of habitat,
yet one just as natural
is destroyed
Where do these creatures go ?
In a country
Where adapting and social jockeying
has become harder and harder.
At least from the bottom.
Everything is harder from the bottom.
Just ask someone who’s there.
But somehow nature finds a way to survive and a place to go
And Like the barnacles and clams taking over the great lakes
so come to plagues on Massachusetts Avenue.
Development .
Progress.
The incandescent red light bulb just went extinct on US 1

I think we stayed at every good hotel in the West.
Big suites
Hot tubs
Room service
We were really living the good life.
Nothing like a little drug money to help you indulge in
the finer things.
"Easy come Easy go"
Only people who have never sold drugs can say that.
Easy.......Yeah, Right.
Dealing with whackos
Getting robbed at gunpoint
Driving across the country with enough weight to get you
                                            Life in Prison.
Stressful.  Very stressful.
So we'd stay in Fancy Resorts.
Knowing one day it would all end
May as well enjoy it while you can
Because eventually you get caught
And if you make it out alive, all you have are the memories.
Like that time we were staying at the Royal Palms
Next to the former President's family.
Getting up from the pool, smoking crystal behind the cactus
While the former first lady swam laps.
She still looked pretty good in a bathing suit.
Old gal.

Goodbye Bottle Bandit

What a face she had . Shaped like a heart with a heart shaped mouth
with the most beautiful head of hair
you ever saw.
underneath it all a fragile, beautiful soul
She was funny
she was classy.
She was smart
She was the kind of woman who would force homemade cheesecake on you
and things us swamp Yankees had  never heard of - like artichoke gnocchis
She was mine for a while,
or I was hers
you could never really own  a girl like that.
And I know she loved me.
But Jim beam and jack Daniels were the real men in her life
Only now do I understand
Something I could never understand
Something nobody should understand
How a girl Buddy Cianci  once said was the most beautiful girl in Providence
Died alone sitting upright on a couch.
One of her men in her hand.

There were men in the past who are used her and  abused her
I don’t wish them ill
but I don’t wish them well
She once said  that her mother was her only friend
I said “what about me?”
What about you? She said.
I’m your friend .
No, you’re my man .
I was proud to be .
Until those two southern boys edged me out.

Truth is I’ll never understand
Neither does  her mother
I hope nobody understands .
I don’t wanna live in a world where people understand that kind of thing .
Bottle bandit .
My bottle bandit.

Another Night Here
Yelling in the Hallway
Can’t make all the words
Never can when they are drunk
A knife was involved
And a chain of some sort
Cops come
They are pleading their cases
Pleading their sides
Cops patiently listening
He pulled knife on me
She’s a *****
Sir please calm down
He’s a drunk
He stole my chain
Now I get the picture
I’m peeking out
I’m a peeker
Goes on for a bit
Ma’am Did he hit you
He pulled a knife
I was cutting something
Sir did you pull a knife on her
No
He threatened me
Did you threaten her
I threatened to throw her out
It’s his place
When this is figured out things calm down
Cops leave
She stays
She just wanted to be heard
She just wanted to be loved
He just wanted to be left alone
Don’t we all.
Don’t we all.

I used to not understand why people got so upset over breakups.
I mean, there are 6 billion people on earth.
There’s bound to be another one that fits the bill.

Then it happens.
You like someone.
And they chase you.
Get you into something you never planned.
You decide to give it a shot.
You take a gamble.
Then , Boom!  they’re gone.

That stuff hurts.
Often, pain comes from emotions we don’t understand.
Things which don’t make sense.
Our body deals with it somewhere in the stomach.
Gut feelings.

Me, I am a gambler.
You have to take shots in life.
Sometimes they work out.
Other times, they don’t.
But if you never push in all your chips
You don’t have a chance at winning the ***.

Not this time.
Maybe next time.

Friend.
I went by your old place on West 26th Street
Your name was no longer on the buzzer.  I pushed it anyway.
When an Asian woman answered  I knew you were gone.
Nobody coming out of the building seemed to remember you
Just goes to show.

I went by the old diner at which we used to eat
Same handwritten signs, same menus
Same old tables.
But no you.

I found it strange that the waitress remembered me but couldn't remember
The guy who'd been going there for decades.
Maybe I should have brought a photo
To spark her memory
Maybe I should have reached out to you,
Bitten the bullet and swallowed my pride
Because now the fight seems trivial
Its the rest of the stuff that seems important,

All the good stuff we shared.

People used to sew patches on old jeans and put new soles
on favorite shoes.
Modern life has changed.  We throw things out and buy new.
But some things are irreplaceable.
They are worth the effort a repair would require.
Friend.
My friend.

She reached out
out of the blue
one day.
I was pleasantly surprised.
Much time had passed
passed since the past.
We made small talk
talk of our lives.
Things we had been through
Then she said
I should post more recent
photos.
Photos of how I look now.
She caught me off guard
Most are very recent
recent in terms of how I look.
So, I told her.
She almost seemed mad.
Mad that I didn’t look worse
worse from the wear and tear.
And after a few more digs
digs at me
I remembered
why we stopped
stopped all those years ago.
I used to put up
with more than I will now.
Now I try to do
whats good for me.
When you are hard
on yourself
It shows.
Shows to the world.
Some people can take
more of a beating than
others.
Others are more fragile.
Which type I am I don’t know.
So I erred
Erred on the side of
Caution.
And said my goodbye.
Goodbye to her once more.

We used to play cards on Tuesday nights
in the small office of a used car lot.
I would look at the old beaters as they came in.
Wonder what their stories were.
Who drove them.
Where they had travelled and what they had seen.
“All rust and dust” my friend used to say.
As they age their value goes down.
Which is what some folks think about people.
But really, the opposite is true.
My friend would ask
why I played cards
with those old geezers.
He didn’t get it.
Many people don’t.
I just told him I always win.
It was true.
Not in terms of money.
But in everything else I got from those guys.
Stories
Wisdom
Laughs.
One old guy used to cheat like a *******.
I let him get away with it.
I hope when I get old
somebody cuts me some slack.

She stubbed her toe.
And she did something about it.
Without letting me know.
Ended it.
I wonder what that means.
It was her choice.
I will never argue otherwise.
And my ego may ask
What is it about me
that she would so quickly
make that choice?
Late at night with my head on the pillow
I imagine what it would have been like.
Pushing a carriage
or changing diapers.
But the timing was off.
And sometimes
timing is everything.

So often
Going through the day
Minding my own business
and people feel the need to intrude.

Smoking outside my building
Just want silence
One of the local talkies comes over
Going on and on
Sciatica pain he says
On and on
and on and on

“Probably emotional” I tell him
He did not like that
Most people don’t
When you suggest there is something
more going on
Than they are willing to face.

But I have decided
If they want to intrude
on my solitude
I don’t have to chew it.

We used to fight sometimes
late at night
after too many drinks
too many cigarettes
too many insults
thrown back and forth

First we’d praise each other up
then run each other down
to the lowest notch

There were good times too
But after a while they dried up
The way some things do.

Couple last screams
And I would hear some clanking in my kitchen
Didn’t pay too much attention

She’d go out with her big purse
“Should you be driving?”
“***** you”

I would go to the window
Yell down at her on the street
“Get outta here you bottle bandit!”

I didn’t want her to go
Not really
She may have been a ***** thief
But she had a sort of magic
The way some people do.

I bumped into her years later
In a liquor store
same one we used to go to
I wondered if she remembered all the fun
But the look on her face
underneath the smile
showed the pain.
The way some faces do.

Certain people in life leave strong impressions on us,
By their sayings we agree with or positions we abhor.
When these people are no longer around,
their marks make themselves known  in various ways.

You are in my thoughts often.
You were quite the square peg.
I think back to the odd ways you did things.
A True Rebel.
But not a rebel just for the sake of it
Nor in order to receive the attention society pays to such people
A rebel because you make up your own mind on things.

"Never be afraid to change your mind," you used to say.
That stuck with me.
So although you are not here with me,
You are never truly gone.

For a while you said I was the one for you.
                       But You Took Your Own Advice
                       And Changed Your Mind
And in the now, I am ok with that.

I saw a seagull today with a broken wing.
He was walking down Bleecker Street.
I never saw a bird move so fast on his feet.
He was really haulin’ ***.
I smiled to myself.
And I swear he looked right at me and smiled back.
It made me realize
Sometimes, you just have to make the best
out of what you’ve got.

The Captain once told me
You can have freedom of the mind
But sometimes it costs you “freedom of the body.”

I did not quite get it at first. Then I realized,
When you want true freedom of the mind
And to do all those things you want
Either you trade your health or your liberty.
Or worse yet, you trade your mind in your search for its freedom.

Once in a while you get away with things.
I got away with a lot.
But not all of it.
There were definite costs.
Imposed on me by those who are themselves trapped by
their own stuff
So they resent freedom in others when they see it.

The chains of guilt weigh heaviest of all
On the mind that thinks it’s just a body,
I knew better.
I wouldn’t tap out.

I remember.
Walking with you on West End Avenue.
Laughing and Laughing.
We used to go into the drug stores and try different eye creams Attempting to conceal the fatigue that comes from staying up
for days on end.

Partying
Man, did we party.

And I remember.
The different creatures we would run into
along the way.
Creatures of the night.
Mostly emotionally disturbed characters.
Running from life or running from themselves.
Some real crazies.

You remained my good friend.
A reliable person.  Something rare in life.
We would talk about the mistakes we made
and the good choices as well.
Careful never to beat ourselves up too badly.
Because sometimes, it’s hard to make the right choices.
And it’s better to laugh when you mess up.
It’s better to laugh if you can.

Will Rogers used to say he never met a man he didn’t like.
I admire people like him.
But I’m not one of them.
I meet people I don’t like every day.
It just happens.

Little Grudges, my friend Sal used to say.
“You have a lot of little grudges.”

My neighbor for example,  banging the trash can lids
Outside my window
Two in the morning
Not that it woke me up
But I get up to look
Peek down there
Naturally nosey person that I am
And he’s pushing pushing
What in hell is he pushing at that hour?

So, Will Rogers I am not.
I probably wouldn’t have liked him either.