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Emilia B Sep 2019
I hid my feelings so deep
That I can’t find them anymore

My heart is straining with every beat
It feels so sore

I’m giving with all I have left to lose

   I can’t do this anymore.
Emilia B May 2020
Worrying mannerisms
As she sits in her chair
Talking to herself
Unable to look in the mirror
As she is afraid she’ll maul her own skin off it’s flesh
She just wants to be happy
Feel normal and laugh
But she struggles to express
Even love.
it makes her cry
The wall just won’t budge
Emilia B Feb 2020
A year ago today I tried to take my life
Placed rocks on my body
To stop me from floating
Looking up to the surface hoping
I’ll go quick
But each second felt like a minute.
Sunk, fearless.
Listening to the pipes
Underwater I thought I’d hear less
But my thoughts were louder than ever.
They blocked out the sounds of my brother crying to my dad over a broken toy
I couldn’t do this to them,
They need me more than I need myself.  
I guess I’ll live another day.
But my thoughts are so loud.
Emilia B Jul 2020
if you dance i'll dance,
and if you don't, i'll dance anyway

give peace a chance
let the fear you have fall away

like a barge at sea, in the storm you stay clear.

I've got my eye on you
I've got my mind on you
I'll put my red dress on again.
Emilia B Nov 2018

Is there anything I can do to make you stay
Perhaps a way
Where I don’t need to undress, or impress
Some way, where I don’t have to stress

I can show you my love in other ways but lust
You set my heart on fire, blew the ashes away like dust
Ill give you all the love I have left in my hands
The fragile pieces I picked up, I found across the land

Although my hearts in ashes
The roaring flame burns bright
The match is still alight
It comes to use when it’s cold at night

Love can make you warm
Lust makes you unclean
When you tell me you love me
What do you really mean?
Emilia B Nov 2018
As petals fall from the rose in my room
I lie shiftless not a clue what to do
The pillars of loneliness
I have one for each day,
Slowly the cement crumbles away.

Staring blankly at the corner of my room
When I think of nothing weary eyes
But when I think of you time flies,
I’d love to see you even if it was to say goodbye.

Head out the window incredible view
Though I’d rather see it with you
Clear sky breath of fresh air
But I don’t seem as happy when you’re not there.
Emilia B Jul 2020
My mind is full of beatific light
branches and vines untangle
revealing the path of which i've struggled to get through
i'll follow the wisp
in a shape of a bowling pin
so happy and altruistic.
Emilia B Jun 2019
call me insane
Im a fool for pain
I deserve it
only a touch of my love remains

my heart paces for you
but id rather be your friend than nothing at all
if it was between you and me,
i'd choose for myself to fall.
Emilia B Aug 2022
How long did I love you out of habit
I am the knife and the wound,
As I am the fire and the fuel.

Sunflowers weltering,
Not throwing them away,
Savouring petals
resembling breaking relationships,
But not letting go.
Emilia B Nov 2018
Ill go to sleep, close my eyes
Dream of broken fireflies
I cant see in this field of black
Ive gone too far now, I cant go back.

Watching where I stand
I cant be still
Or I sink into the sand
My shoes they start to fill.

My feet become heavy,
Its becoming harder to walk
Id shout and scream if I could even talk.

Long grass im grasping
Lifting up my knee
if only the fireflies weren’t broken
id be able to see

without their fire theyre just flies
they are my guidance and my eyes
without my heart im as useless
as Pinocchio’s nose without his lies

I feel the wind brush again my cheek
The whisper of the banshee feels quite weak
But when she screams
I hope to wake up from this dream
as dreams are more real as they seem.

Though I only see black
I picture in my head
The banshees mouth opening wide
Off my fears she fed.

Her scream was as loud
As a close truck horn
The cry from a baby, as soon as its born

My ear drums thumping
My skin feels torn
I was faced with her violence
There I stand, in the deafening silence.
A nightmare you can’t wake from
Emilia B Aug 2019
I wish to go back
I’ve done many things wrong
Loving you being one

I don’t want to have met you
But I’m glad i did
But it’s tearing me up inside
That you didn’t want me.
Emilia B Nov 2018
I feel so psychotic
It’s a strange feeling
I hate having these episodes
No one finds it appealing.

Im brushing my fingers over ****** scars
Licking my sad blood
Im seeing stars
My eyes are starting to flood

I feel so bruised
My mind im starting to lose
If I wasn’t in your life
Youd have no one left to use

Im behaving as if a battery has fallen, out my works
Im acting half sane
I cant decide if im happy or if im in pain.
Emilia B Apr 2019
Every time I stare into my reflection
Blood starts to surface
I’m not one to be offended by rejection
But the reflection refuses my stance
I’d call myself an infection
The hairs on my neck start to dance.

I feel like an outcast from the world
I'm definitely there
But no one seems to care
Just because you can’t see me
It doesn’t mean i'm not there
I'm like the stars in the daylight
But you can see me clearly In the dark night
Isn’t it ironic the way I express
My mind feels blank but at the same time i'm a mess.
Emilia B Jan 2020
Stick knives in your eyes
Fight the evil and horror that lies
Incarnate your words
Into notes that slur
Stick picks in your eyes
Your vision will blur
Your wings will clip when your love roams
You abandoned your eyes
So you will guide yourself with not what you see but with what you hear
Face your fear
To come near and touch the skin of the poor hollow shell you made drown in tears.
She’ll make you sink in the void of sorrow.
Emilia B Aug 2022
I still loved you,
But stopped hoping.

Raindrops racing down the windows,
Igniting candles,
Wax dripping onto the sill.
Light growing dim.

Blueberry picking
Fresh smell of pine.
Purple fingers,
I saw you.
But you did not see me.
You never saw me.
Emilia B May 2020
Better to have loved and lost,
Than never to have loved at all.
Emilia B Jun 2020
Pinky promises mean nothing all of a sudden
Oh what a foolish girl I am
For caring for the health of others
If you don’t hurt yourself I won’t hurt myself, I lived by it.
But you don’t care
So neither do I.
I always hated the vulnerable side of myself
I know you so well yet you’re a stranger to me.
I’ll never go back to my own ways
Because I’m better than that
No more scars
I’d never hurt my younger self if she was to stand in front of me
So I won’t do it now.
Would you?
You wouldn’t.
So don’t.
But who am I to care anymore about you.
Emilia B Jun 2020
They wear tissues in their ears
As I speak from my heart
Butchering my feelings
Into useless crumbs
I feel so unimportant
I waste my breath
If it’s not about you
You couldn’t care less
I listen to every detail
To help as much as I can
But why does no one hear me
Do you hear me
Please someone hear me
My skin is turning inside out
Would you be able to see better
Can you see me
You never will.
Their Ignorance will **** me
Emilia B Jan 2020
I keep replaying the same moment in my mind
Your hand stroking my hair
I never felt so much comfort and happiness
And I’m losing you
And I keep, replaying the same moment.
And collapsing, and breaking down,
Nauseous. Because I won’t feel it again.
Emilia B May 2019
I can’t get over you
Though there’s nothing I can do
To make you want me
The same way I want you
I look for you in other boys
I hold their hand
And it feels right
Until I realise it isn’t yours
The left side of my heart wants it to be
The right side thinks it is
But it never will be
Emilia B Jul 2020
gnaw, crunch on glass
bleeding tongue
to create sand
if i swallow
i'll cough it back up
cause shes evil
estrangement from all those before
growing disillusionment with love, *** and people.
or is that they're all doing it wrong.
cause they sure can't keep their hands off
love the right thing, love life.
Shaggy hair
Black liner
Starry smile

as Lana said:
    Money is the anthem of success
                                         so put on your mascara
                                                                ­ & your party dress.
to swallow sand* -to drown out the demons
to crunch on glass* - to suffer
keep going life is beautiful <3 both good and bad
way more than just that.
Emilia B Jan 2020
We were listening to the same songs
I was thinking about you
And you were thinking about her
I’m over you
I know my worth
I deserve more
I’m moving forth
That wasn’t love
That was pain
You’re ******* vain
You’ll never touch my skin again

You’re Heartless
I’m happy to say I really don’t need you at all.
Emilia B Jun 2020
They’re Immature over feelings and words
I’ll never be taken seriously
You could cut the tongue off a crow
And stick it down my throat
No one would take me seriously
But that’s your choice
If you never learn you won’t get far In life so for your sake I hope you will.
Cut my tongue stuck it down my throat
Emilia B Nov 2019
From a living story
Into bones in the ground
A pile of ashes
That don’t make a sound
Your life crashes
Before you know
Your grave is covered by the snow
100 years pass
Your names eroded
Fragile like glass
Covered in grass
You’ll never quite know which word is your last.
Emilia B May 2019
There’s a permanent pounding
In my head
Like a knock on the door
also coming from the floor
Following me everywhere I walk
It only gets louder when I talk
I try to ignore it
The voices everywhere
But when I do they turn into ghosts
And start pulling on my hair
I can’t escape my demons
I guess I’ll learn to live...
Emilia B May 2019
How did chaos arise from such perfection?

The world still spins
But when I look at you
it stops.
Time stands still.
I can hear my heart.
Feel the thrill.
Emilia B Aug 2019
Do you remember
When we used to talk everyday
I thought we were something
But All along, I was the only one who’d stay.

Did I miss something
That you said
Or am I thinking too much
Whilst laying in bed

I wish I never met you
And was all alone like I am right now
but this time
Without you trapped inside of my head.
Emilia B Jan 2020
I’m staring into his eyes
Wishing they were yours
It makes me want to cry
Cause it never will be
You’re so special and I hate it
I hate you so much
And I wish you would let me go
Because I just can’t leave
I can’t bear this
Sleepless nights and never emptying plates
It’s what you and your eyes do to me.
You can’t keep doing this. You either want me or you don’t.
Emilia B Nov 2019
Fill my bag with rocks
Jump off the docks,
By the River bank
My thoughts stayed floating
My body sank
Corroding with time
To god, suicide is a crime
So I’m staying here at the bottom of the river
Food for the fish
Feeding off my flesh
Moulding into grime
My only wish.
It’s all I’ll be good for.
Emilia B Apr 2019
I really hope you’ll understand
That sometimes my words don’t come out as planned
I stutter and lisp as I say what I feel
Why was it my heart
That you had to steal.

I’m sorry that I’m so inconvenient
I’m sorry from the bottom of my heart
A lot of the time I wish, from the world
I was apart

I’m as disappointing as an empty wallet
But people give up so easily
If your name was as long as the universe
I’d still be happy to call it.

But you’ll give up on me
For you it’s too much to even smile
But I hope you know
That for you I’d crawl much more than a mile.
Emilia B May 2020
First I freeze
Raging inside
Anger building
Gory wrists
Ill to the eye
Lost soul
Even you can’t save her
Emilia B Jun 2019
Walking along the dunes
Shells in my hand
Kicking little rocks
Sticking out of the sand.

Wind rippling through my shirt
Sun stroking my cheek
Looking out to the sunset, upon the sea
It's Freedom that I seek.
Emilia B Jul 2020
tesknie za domu.
Chcę być w domu
gdzie czuję zapach drzew
co jest obok domu,
motyle zaplątały się w moje włosy
ciocia gotuje kotlet schabowy z mizeria,
i ciasto
do wielotowie szlismy pieszo, na lody ze swiezymi owocami
takie fajnie mm
gdzie osy latały i zjadły wszystko, co plamiło drewniany stół. :)
when times were better. i lived in poverty. but it was when i was happiest. life was and could be so much simpler :) im going to move back to Poland.
Emilia B Jun 2020
Lost your point
Lost your dignity
and my trust
Time to build the dam again
It’ll take time
But I’ll be happier
I’m my own world
Emilia B Nov 2019
It’s becoming hard to breathe at night
        When all my demons come to life
My worries weighing down my heart
         Tearing my whole world apart
Emilia B Nov 2018
Why were you so obsessive
Why did you control
You used my body, broke my heart,
And washed away my soul.

How will I ever trust,
Another man again
If they’re messing with my feelings
How can I call them men

Tell me what I want to hear
Tell me that youll stay
Even though I know youll be gone
by the end of the day.

You cant just leave
Then a month later walk back in
Im trying to move on
From the pain you put me in.

You know I’ll be here waiting
You don’t know that’s what you think
You asked me to come over and stay
And that you’ll buy me a drink

So you can take advantage
Knowing I’m not sober
I wish you never messaged me a month later in October

I refuse your ‘offer’
You can’t walk over me
Just a pretty face, ugly personality.
I wrote this about a guy. It’s a sequel to a short story I wrote about him.
Emilia B Aug 2022
You felt like home
But home to me
Was staying up all night

You felt like home because you hurt me.
You sometimes made me feel safe,
Loved, cared for.
But I knew,
It always comes with a price.
Emilia B May 2019
No one will ever care like I do
I’ve given up.
No one will ever care like I did
You can’t hurt me now.
Does your heart ache when someone you care about so much couldn’t care less. Or at all.
Emilia B Jun 2019
Let me under your skin
Let’s share our sins

Why won’t you look into my eyes
Are you scared to fall
I’m tired of trying to keep the water warm
Trying to stop my heart from overflowing

But when I think of you
I always spill
Balancing a cup full of tears
I can’t let you know
How much you hurt me so
I can’t do this forever
I’ll always spill
You don’t want to push someone away with your thoughts and emotions
Emilia B May 2019
Inhaling my sorrows and secrets
My lack of will to live
To love and cry

Falling apart
I feel it in my heart

When do I get to exhale
Emilia B May 2019
Some days
You just aren’t ready for the sun to blaze
Lazy days
Close the curtain go back to sleep
Falling into abyss
Counting sheep
Emilia B May 2019
my life was built brittle,
as if wooden.
A simple toy, without a full set.
What remains, will fragment

But if I left this earth
my mum would be a mother to a ghost.

I'm a burden, a parasite held in embrace
my heart, mind and soul are all derelict.
Poor, abandoned, neglected...
but all at the same time as being used.
Emilia B Jul 2019
Ease the suffering
Just hold my hand
But you’ve already left
And I understand
Why you chose to love another
Luck was never on my side
When will it end
From loneliness I hide
Emilia B Jan 2020
I wish I was good enough for you
I wish you wanted me like I want you
I’d do anything for you & I don’t know why but it’s destroying me from the inside.
you don’t know how I could be, I could make you so happy. But do you even want that.
I want to be the most beautiful girl in the world
Cause maybe then.
Emilia B Jul 2020
People appreciate you until they don’t get their way
No matter what you do right
A constant fight
I’m living for my self love now
not yours.
Emilia B May 2019
Don’t talk to me
I’ll only break your heart
As mine only beats for one
But I’ll still lead you on
As the thought of someone loving me is a crave
Though I only crave it from one
Emilia B Jun 2020
I was happy 7:00
9:00 A gush of death swept over me
I couldn’t move
I couldn’t speak
I couldn’t lift a finger
I cried till I passed out
I begged my mum
Not to leave my side
“Somethings not right”
I felt like I was dying
In and out of consciousness
***** on my face
Fear and panic are trying to **** me
The stress nearly killed me
My heart was rapid
I wish I didn’t feel things so strongly
Why do I think so much
I’m so weak my mind is so strong
I was given another chance
The morning never felt so long
The worst panic attack I ever had. I thought I was dying. I was praying to the natives. I didn’t think I deserved this. I don’t want to die. I’m so sorry to anyone who goes through this. I know I’m not alone
Emilia B Jan 2020
I’m a hostage to the abyss
Of torrent seas
I can’t find my feet
I can’t touch the ground
I’m struggling to breathe
Give me your hand
Or look me in the eye
Save me from this,
Ignite my fire.
You’ll hear the chime my eyes glow hollow
The black waves shallowing
The ink from your tail I’ll follow.
Emilia B Apr 2020
The tree sees everything
Kiss my knees before you go
You should do that
Look for me in every petal or leaf
In every wing of every creature
In her eyes, every feature
Emilia B May 2019
why is death portrayed as a negative
to be still is to be peaceful
how I wish for silence from my mind
to be static

I am an unfortunate without an escape
I don't belong here
I am not in the right place
I am errant

but then you think of the burden youd bring upon your family
im a burden both dead and alive.
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