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Emilia B Sep 2019
I hid my feelings so deep
That I can’t find them anymore

My heart is straining with every beat
It feels so sore

I’m giving with all I have left to lose

   I can’t do this anymore.
A year ago today I tried to take my life
Placed rocks on my body
To stop me from floating
Looking up to the surface hoping
I’ll go quick
But each second felt like a minute.
Sunk, fearless.
Listening to the pipes
Underwater I thought I’d hear less
But my thoughts were louder than ever.
They blocked out the sounds of my brother crying to my dad over a broken toy
I couldn’t do this to them,
They need me more than I need myself.  
I guess I’ll live another day.
But my thoughts are so loud.
Emilia B Nov 2018

Is there anything I can do to make you stay
Perhaps a way
Where I don’t need to undress, or impress
Some way, where I don’t have to stress

I can show you my love in other ways but lust
You set my heart on fire, blew the ashes away like dust
Ill give you all the love I have left in my hands
The fragile pieces I picked up, I found across the land

Although my hearts in ashes
The roaring flame burns bright
The match is still alight
It comes to use when it’s cold at night

Love can make you warm
Lust makes you unclean
When you tell me you love me
What do you really mean?
Emilia B Nov 2018
As petals fall from the rose in my room
I lie shiftless not a clue what to do
The pillars of loneliness
I have one for each day,
Slowly the cement crumbles away.

Staring blankly at the corner of my room
When I think of nothing weary eyes
But when I think of you time flies,
I’d love to see you even if it was to say goodbye.

Head out the window incredible view
Though I’d rather see it with you
Clear sky breath of fresh air
But I don’t seem as happy when you’re not there.
Emilia B Jun 2019
call me insane
Im a fool for pain
I deserve it
only a touch of my love remains

my heart paces for you
but id rather be your friend than nothing at all
if it was between you and me,
i'd choose for myself to fall.
Emilia B Nov 2018
Ill go to sleep, close my eyes
Dream of broken fireflies
I cant see in this field of black
Ive gone too far now, I cant go back.

Watching where I stand
I cant be still
Or I sink into the sand
My shoes they start to fill.

My feet become heavy,
Its becoming harder to walk
Id shout and scream if I could even talk.

Long grass im grasping
Lifting up my knee
if only the fireflies weren’t broken
id be able to see

without their fire theyre just flies
they are my guidance and my eyes
without my heart im as useless
as Pinocchio’s nose without his lies

I feel the wind brush again my cheek
The whisper of the banshee feels quite weak
But when she screams
I hope to wake up from this dream
as dreams are more real as they seem.

Though I only see black
I picture in my head
The banshees mouth opening wide
Off my fears she fed.

Her scream was as loud
As a close truck horn
The cry from a baby, as soon as its born

My ear drums thumping
My skin feels torn
I was faced with her violence
There I stand, in the deafening silence.
A nightmare you can’t wake from
Emilia B Aug 2019
I wish to go back
I’ve done many things wrong
Loving you being one

I don’t want to have met you
But I’m glad i did
But it’s tearing me up inside
That you didn’t want me.
Emilia B Nov 2018
I feel so psychotic
It’s a strange feeling
I hate having these episodes
No one finds it appealing.

Im brushing my fingers over ****** scars
Licking my sad blood
Im seeing stars
My eyes are starting to flood

I feel so bruised
My mind im starting to lose
If I wasn’t in your life
Youd have no one left to use

Im behaving as if a battery has fallen, out my works
Im acting half sane
I cant decide if im happy or if im in pain.
Emilia B Apr 2019
Every time I stare into my reflection
Blood starts to surface
I’m not one to be offended by rejection
But the reflection refuses my stance
I’d call myself an infection
The hairs on my neck start to dance.

I feel like an outcast from the world
I'm definitely there
But no one seems to care
Just because you can’t see me
It doesn’t mean i'm not there
I'm like the stars in the daylight
But you can see me clearly In the dark night
Isn’t it ironic the way I express
My mind feels blank but at the same time i'm a mess.
Emilia B Jan 7
Stick knives in your eyes
Fight the evil and horror that lies
Incarnate your words
Into notes that slur
Stick picks in your eyes
Your vision will blur
Your wings will clip when your love roams
You abandoned your eyes
So you will guide yourself with not what you see but with what you hear
Face your fear
To come near and touch the skin of the poor hollow shell you made drown in tears.
She’ll make you sink in the void of sorrow.
Emilia B Jan 10
I keep replaying the same moment in my mind
Your hand stroking my hair
I never felt so much comfort and happiness
And I’m losing you
And I keep, replaying the same moment.
And collapsing, and breaking down,
Nauseous. Because I won’t feel it again.
Emilia B May 2019
I can’t get over you
Though there’s nothing I can do
To make you want me
The same way I want you
I look for you in other boys
I hold their hand
And it feels right
Until I realise it isn’t yours
The left side of my heart wants it to be
The right side thinks it is
But it never will be
Emilia B Jan 14
We were listening to the same songs
I was thinking about you
And you were thinking about her
I’m over you
I know my worth
I deserve more
I’m moving forth
That wasn’t love
That was pain
You’re ******* vain
You’ll never touch my skin again

You’re Heartless
I’m happy to say I really don’t need you at all.
Emilia B May 2019
There’s a permanent pounding
In my head
Like a knock on the door
also coming from the floor
Following me everywhere I walk
It only gets louder when I talk
I try to ignore it
The voices everywhere
But when I do they turn into ghosts
And start pulling on my hair
I can’t escape my demons
I guess I’ll learn to live...
Emilia B May 2019
How did chaos arise from such perfection?

The world still spins
But when I look at you
it stops.
Time stands still.
I can hear my heart.
Feel the thrill.
Emilia B Aug 2019
Do you remember
When we used to talk everyday
I thought we were something
But All along, I was the only one who’d stay.

Did I miss something
That you said
Or am I thinking too much
Whilst laying in bed

I wish I never met you
And was all alone like I am right now
but this time
Without you trapped inside of my head.
Emilia B Jan 9
I’m staring into his eyes
Wishing they were yours
It makes me want to cry
Cause it never will be
You’re so special and I hate it
I hate you so much
And I wish you would let me go
Because I just can’t leave
I can’t bear this
Sleepless nights and never emptying plates
It’s what you and your eyes do to me.
You can’t keep doing this. You either want me or you don’t.
Emilia B Nov 2019
Fill my bag with rocks
Jump off the docks,
By the River bank
My thoughts stayed floating
My body sank
Corroding with time
To god, suicide is a crime
So I’m staying here at the bottom of the river
Food for the fish
Feeding off my flesh
Moulding into grime
My only wish.
It’s all I’ll be good for.
Emilia B Apr 2019
I really hope you’ll understand
That sometimes my words don’t come out as planned
I stutter and lisp as I say what I feel
Why was it my heart
That you had to steal.

I’m sorry that I’m so inconvenient
I’m sorry from the bottom of my heart
A lot of the time I wish, from the world
I was apart

I’m as disappointing as an empty wallet
But people give up so easily
If your name was as long as the universe
I’d still be happy to call it.

But you’ll give up on me
For you it’s too much to even smile
But I hope you know
That for you I’d crawl much more than a mile.
Emilia B Jun 2019
Walking along the dunes
Shells in my hand
Kicking little rocks
Sticking out of the sand.

Wind rippling through my shirt
Sun stroking my cheek
Looking out to the sunset, upon the sea
It's Freedom that I seek.
Emilia B Nov 2019
It’s becoming hard to breathe at night
        When all my demons come to life
My worries weighing down my heart
         Tearing my whole world apart
Emilia B Nov 2018
Why were you so obsessive
Why did you control
You used my body, broke my heart,
And washed away my soul.

How will I ever trust,
Another man again
If they’re messing with my feelings
How can I call them men

Tell me what I want to hear
Tell me that youll stay
Even though I know youll be gone
by the end of the day.

You cant just leave
Then a month later walk back in
Im trying to move on
From the pain you put me in.

You know I’ll be here waiting
You don’t know that’s what you think
You asked me to come over and stay
And that you’ll buy me a drink

So you can take advantage
Knowing I’m not sober
I wish you never messaged me a month later in October

I refuse your ‘offer’
You can’t walk over me
Just a pretty face, ugly personality.
I wrote this about a guy. It’s a sequel to a short story I wrote about him.
Emilia B May 2019
No one will ever care like I do
I’ve given up.
No one will ever care like I did
You can’t hurt me now.
Does your heart ache when someone you care about so much couldn’t care less. Or at all.
Emilia B Jun 2019
Let me under your skin
Let’s share our sins

Why won’t you look into my eyes
Are you scared to fall
I’m tired of trying to keep the water warm
Trying to stop my heart from overflowing

But when I think of you
I always spill
Balancing a cup full of tears
I can’t let you know
How much you hurt me so
I can’t do this forever
I’ll always spill
You don’t want to push someone away with your thoughts and emotions
Emilia B May 2019
Inhaling my sorrows and secrets
My lack of will to live
To love and cry

Falling apart
I feel it in my heart

When do I get to exhale
Emilia B May 2019
Some days
You just aren’t ready for the sun to blaze
Lazy days
Close the curtain go back to sleep
Falling into abyss
Counting sheep
Emilia B May 2019
my life was built brittle,
as if wooden.
A simple toy, without a full set.
What remains, will fragment

But if I left this earth
my mum would be a mother to a ghost.

I'm a burden, a parasite held in embrace
my heart, mind and soul are all derelict.
Poor, abandoned, neglected...
but all at the same time as being used.
Emilia B Jul 2019
Ease the suffering
Just hold my hand
But you’ve already left
And I understand
Why you chose to love another
Luck was never on my side
When will it end
From loneliness I hide
Emilia B Jan 8
I wish I was good enough for you
I wish you wanted me like I want you
I’d do anything for you & I don’t know why but it’s destroying me from the inside.
you don’t know how I could be, I could make you so happy. But do you even want that.
I want to be the most beautiful girl in the world
Cause maybe then.
Emilia B May 2019
Don’t talk to me
I’ll only break your heart
As mine only beats for one
But I’ll still lead you on
As the thought of someone loving me is a crave
Though I only crave it from one
Emilia B Jan 9
I’m a hostage to the abyss
Of torrent seas
I can’t find my feet
I can’t touch the ground
I’m struggling to breathe
Give me your hand
Or look me in the eye
Save me from this,
Ignite my fire.
You’ll hear the chime my eyes glow hollow
The black waves shallowing
The ink from your tail I’ll follow.
Emilia B May 2019
why is death portrayed as a negative
to be still is to be peaceful
how I wish for silence from my mind
to be static

I am an unfortunate without an escape
I don't belong here
I am not in the right place
I am errant

but then you think of the burden youd bring upon your family
im a burden both dead and alive.
Emilia B Apr 2019
Should I care
should I not
look in your eyes
deep in thought

Feel your touch
On my skin
But now you're gone
All I feel is my sin

Of loving

if we never speak again atleast i told you about how i felt,
how much i love you
your mind
your mind
now i'm left behind
leaving the thought
of you touching my skin on my mind

Not a part of your heart anymore
mines sinking from the inside
i'm torn

I'm sore
so sore
how will i love anymore
Emilia B Oct 2019
Love is such a perfect feeling
though it’s brought me to tears
Tore open my heart
   Letting loose to all my fears.

Put me in pain
  But it’s a change from feeling nothing
  Crying, hiding it. By standing in the rain.
Emilia B May 2019
It’s raining
The air is damp
I’m waiting for you underneath the lamp
You should see me in a black raincoat
soaking wet hair
Looking down at scattered puddles everywhere
But you didn’t see
Because you didn’t show up
You’re at home drinking hot tea from my cup

It’s not your fault for not being there
It’s mine for thinking you would be
They don’t care because they know you will wait forever
Emilia B Apr 2019
if you were to go to the beach,
into the sea,
far out
further, further.
place your head under the water and listen out
for the sounds of chains that seem so close,
that you could grab on and use as support to float
but really they're far far out, your eyes cant even see,
rusty chains grinding off one another, sour.

the sound seems so familiar
perhaps the time you tried to drown
your head slowly sliding under the water in the bathtub
holding your breath
thinking of nothing
but the sound of the pipes remind you of that video game you played, the one that made you curious

that in fact saved your life, the story you wanted to play over and over.
as every time you played you discovered something new.
it's beautiful, the theme song as your lullaby

maybe i was looking for an excuse to live,
the only thing that saved me was that video game.
Emilia B May 2019
Life isn’t so scary
When you have nothing left to lose
When you’re alone
When the light is running out from your fuse
You’re collapsing
Shutting down
Where’s the life left in you
It’s roaming around
Looking for someone worthy
To grow into
When you’ve lost just about everything
Emilia B Jun 2019
I see an ocean of lost souls
faceless bodies floating
lifting in waves
grey figures leading to no shore
they're stuck
trapped in this, something
it makes me emotional
it makes my want to cry
perhaps this is where we go
if we are to die?
Emilia B Nov 2019
Everyone has their twisted corner
With secrets and scars
And dying stars.

No one ever understands
Lonely in the mist I am
On my knees, eyes bleed
No one there to take my hand

Every direction I look,
I Can’t see for more than a yard away
The sunset is due
End of the day
I’ll close my eyes
Breathe the pain away
Emilia B Sep 2019
I lost myself for you
There’s nothing I could do
Breathe me in,
like the music you listen to.

I’d give you my love
But even that wouldn’t be enough.  

I’m tired of falling for,
Hearts, that always want more.
Emilia B Apr 2019
I'd like to love again
but you don't understand me
nobody does
but that's okay
i don't expect you to
i'm not mad
perhaps very sad
but only at myself

my love is odd
love is legacy.
Emilia B May 2019
My heart is hollow
no more will I mend and maintain

Let it turn to rust
the shards will scatter
forgotten, left smothered in dust

The thick black clouds are expanding
I am no longer able to see the walls of my mind.
A hurricane swirling around my heart
no more love for you to find.
Emilia B Apr 2019
I look in the mirror
Times standing still
I notice my eyes, with tears start to fill.

One finger tapping on the counter
I’m biting on my cheek
Suddenly I feel my knees, starting to go weak.

Im breathing in strange patterns
My nostrils flaring
I snap out, and realise that I’m still staring,
Into the eyes of who I wish was never born
Thinking about if I were to leave
Who would be the first to mourn.

I didn’t know I was capable of feeling so numb
But is it a feeling, If I feel nothing
When I say I feel okay
I’m most likely bluffing,

My blood I feel rushing
Filling up my cheeks
I’m ashamed of myself
I haven’t left the house in weeks.

Get a grip
People have it worse
I rather be in their shoes
Than my brain be smothered in this curse.

You say I’m over exaggerating
I say you don’t know me
All I ever wanted was to just feel ******* free.
Emilia B Apr 2019
A day goes by
It's an empty home
All you can hear is the buzzing of my phone

Cold bowl of porridge
That saw the whole thing
Saw me step on the bed
Saw my body swing

It saw my brother walk in
To ask if i was crying
Two hours before my body was dying

It saw my mother fall to her knees
Who prayed and pleased
That my body wasn't fully deceased

But so it was
I was gone from the pain
Just like that
It started to rain

My corpse was very much like that bowl of porridge
It went from soft to hard
From hot to cold
My body went from young to old

Now my room is just filled with broken dreams
That could've been
If only they'd seen
How my heart was in pain
And my mind that is,
was, screaming.
Emilia B Apr 2019
Sedentary on the bench in the back garden
for the final hours of the day
the time in the evening when the sun disappears
and daylight fades away
still, looking out into the stark horizon
watching the colours change in the sky
from blue to red and cloudy
just like my eyes.

so silent, deep in thought
the beating of my heart
in sync with my tears as they fall from my cheek,
that turn into razor blades that fall upon my skin
in every drop lies a story
I find the bench starting to float
as the garden is flooded from the tears I shed,
by how much I bled,
the garden turned from green to red.
Emilia B Apr 2019
Please tell me i'm not as forgettable
as your silence is making me feel
listlessness in conversation
The white sky, blank. Sour air.
No emotion, no feeling

The rustling of the music on the radio
voices coming in and out of frequency
almost like the faint voices of myself in my ear
calling, begging for me to get over it.

I thought we were tessellated,
but were both a handful of hexagons
that just don't sit right.

The days are going so slow,
but my heart is beating so fast,
thinking about us.

The truth is,
you could break my heart in two,
but when it heals it beats for you.
Because love defines all,
everyone needs love,
you would let yourself get hurt
go beyond and above
over and over again just to prove to yourself
that they are for you,
just accept it!

...But its not for me to say stop trying,
because if he came back i would most certainly
lay my clothes down for him to walk over.
He is precious.
And he knows it.
Emilia B Apr 2019
Body is weak
Hard to think
Water is deep
Try not sink

I project what we could be
In the depths of my mind
I wish you could see
What you’re able to find

You don’t need me
You want me
All just because you’re lonely

You romanticize my mental state
You think that its cool
To suffer from hate
Chemical imbalance you claim to understand
But when it comes to my pain
You seem so offhand.
Emilia B Jan 6
I start to fall
& he spits on my soul
Heart turns to stone
I’m all on my own.

All on my own
Solitude owns my spirit
I’d hold your hand
But I couldn’t go near it
I’m scared to love you more.
I’m scared of feeling sore.
Though I think I can handle it,
I’m lacking the will to feel anymore.
Emilia B Sep 2019
Pathetic romantic
That is me
I want something out of reach
All I’m getting is short & sweet
But it always ends sour.

It’s ******* boring.
Emilia B Apr 2019
my soul, is a void
that will shrink up inside me
I am close to losing myself entirely.

I look into the mirror
just a hollow spirit
with a solitary soul trapped inside me.
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