Should I care
should I not
look in your eyes
deep in thought

Feel your touch
On my skin
But now you're gone
All I feel is my sin

Of loving


if we never speak again atleast i told you about how i felt,
how much i love you
your mind
your mind
now i'm left behind
leaving the thought
of you touching my skin on my mind

Not a part of your heart anymore
mines sinking from the inside
i'm torn

I'm sore
so sore
how will i love anymore

Love is such a perfect feeling
though it’s brought me to tears
Tore open my heart
   Letting loose to all my fears.

Put me in pain
  But it’s a change from feeling nothing
  Crying, hiding it. By standing in the rain.

It’s raining
The air is damp
I’m waiting for you underneath the lamp
You should see me in a black raincoat
soaking wet hair
Looking down at scattered puddles everywhere
But you didn’t see
Because you didn’t show up
You’re at home drinking hot tea from my cup

It’s not your fault for not being there
It’s mine for thinking you would be

my mind spinning,
anxious, out of body
constant vertigo.
drop of a teaspoon
loss of focus.
i have to apologize and ask to repeat
cause i was reflecting on how right my discernment was.
and i chose to ignore it because i had hope
hope is dangerous.
im happier now,
though my physical self is not doing so well as a result of mistreatment. corrupted mentality.
but ill heal with time everyone does.

He flapped his gums
Spewing sore words
That came not from the heart
But the depths of delusion
We were not kindred souls
I don’t believe you could understand
But our tongues forbid to belong twisted.

if you were to go to the beach,
into the sea,
far out
further, further.
place your head under the water and listen out
for the sounds of chains that seem so close,
that you could grab on and use as support to float
but really they're far far out, your eyes cant even see,
rusty chains grinding off one another, sour.

the sound seems so familiar
perhaps the time you tried to drown
your head slowly sliding under the water in the bathtub
holding your breath
thinking of nothing
but the sound of the pipes remind you of that video game you played, the one that made you curious

that in fact saved your life, the story you wanted to play over and over.
as every time you played you discovered something new.
it's beautiful, the theme song as your lullaby


maybe i was looking for an excuse to live,
the only thing that saved me was that video game.

Life isn’t so scary
When you have nothing left to lose
When you’re alone
When the light is running out from your fuse
You’re collapsing
Shutting down
Where’s the life left in you
It’s roaming around
Looking for someone worthy
To grow into

Being forced through thousands of locked doors
splinters piercing my body
leading to a floating platform
where I look into the sky but see no stars
but everybody else can
they get to see the beauty of the night sky
whereas to me its a blindfold over my vision
look into my eye,
only an abyss of pain.
I step off the platform
to feel something
anything
but I just keep falling,
the gravity shifts
and i'm falling through the doors once again.

hoping that every time I enter back into the world
I can catch a glimpse of a star.
that was taken away from me
a long time ago.

I see an ocean of lost souls
faceless bodies floating
lifting in waves
grey figures leading to no shore
they're stuck
trapped in this, something
it makes me emotional
it makes my want to cry
perhaps this is where we go
if we are to die?

It’s the piece of loose skin on the edge of your thumb

The eyelash that gets stuck in your eye

The rock in your shoe

The sock sliding down your sole

The runny nose that won’t stop running

The first sip of tea that burns your tongue

The hair in your mouth you can’t locate

The piece of apple that won’t come out from the gap between your teeth

Having to get rid of something you wanted to be your first
I have to live with that
My love goes to anyone who’s gone through the same
You’ll be stronger than ever
I don’t even know your name
But I know it feels like you’ll never be the same
Hold my hand
The demons will go back, from where they came

Rusty pipes
Humid nights
Smell of acid rain

Street lights
Laddered tights
Heart hanging off a stalactite

Pain

Everyone has their twisted corner
With secrets and scars
And dying stars.

No one ever understands
Lonely in the mist I am
On my knees, eyes bleed
No one there to take my hand

Every direction I look,
I Can’t see for more than a yard away
The sunset is due
End of the day
I’ll close my eyes
Breathe the pain away

I lost myself for you
There’s nothing I could do
Breathe me in,
like the music you listen to.

I’d give you my love
But even that wouldn’t be enough.  

I’m tired of falling for,
Hearts, that always want more.

I'd like to love again
but you don't understand me
nobody does
but that's okay
i don't expect you to
i'm not mad
perhaps very sad
but only at myself

my love is odd
love is legacy.

My heart is hollow
no more will I mend and maintain

Let it turn to rust
the shards will scatter
forgotten, left smothered in dust

The thick black clouds are expanding
I am no longer able to see the walls of my mind.
A hurricane swirling around my heart
no more love for you to find.

I look in the mirror
Times standing still
I notice my eyes, with tears start to fill.

One finger tapping on the counter
I’m biting on my cheek
Suddenly I feel my knees, starting to go weak.

Im breathing in strange patterns
My nostrils flaring
I snap out, and realise that I’m still staring,
Into the eyes of who I wish was never born
Thinking about if I were to leave
Who would be the first to mourn.

I didn’t know I was capable of feeling so numb
But is it a feeling, If I feel nothing
When I say I feel okay
I’m most likely bluffing,

My blood I feel rushing
Filling up my cheeks
I’m ashamed of myself
I haven’t left the house in weeks.

Get a grip
People have it worse
I rather be in their shoes
Than my brain be smothered in this curse.



You say I’m over exaggerating
I say you don’t know me
All I ever wanted was to just feel ******* free.

I’m sorry if I hurt you
but it works both ways
We have to move on
Carry on with our days
Life isn’t simple
Until you look out into the waves

I made food
But I didn’t eat it
Waiting for it to pop out the toaster
Seemed like a lifetime
As I swayed in fatigue
Losing my feet
I hop into bed
Melt into the mattress
As nice as it seems
It’s exhausting

Watch the kids from the pantomine
Lollop in a ring
The one hiding behind the scene
Plans to cut the rope
Chandelier landing in the center
Toes crumbling falling apart
Screams fly like sparks
But they can’t stop skipping
Would you rather not speak or die
Id die if I couldn’t say what’s on my mind.
Though I don’t really talk anyway I write that’s what I do
I’m silly, would you rather not write or die.
Not know a love language or die

Marble floor
Oven on
Shattered plate
Cracked tile
Stick n' poke
Rusty teapot
Poison air
Crooked table
-
you can have one nice thing, one happy smile, and everyone thinks your life is perfect. its beautiful don't get me wrong. when i imagine everything i worded it brings comfort. though the oven on reminds me of Sylvia Plath.

Ferry
No adults to be seen
Toilets perfect
Balloon boy seemed keen
Gentleman moustache
Lost little mouse
You have cake on you darling
Kissing my sweet mouth.

A day goes by
It's an empty home
All you can hear is the buzzing of my phone


Cold bowl of porridge
That saw the whole thing
Saw me step on the bed
Saw my body swing


It saw my brother walk in
To ask if i was crying
Two hours before my body was dying


It saw my mother fall to her knees
Who prayed and pleased
That my body wasn't fully deceased


But so it was
I was gone from the pain
Just like that
It started to rain


My corpse was very much like that bowl of porridge
It went from soft to hard
From hot to cold
My body went from young to old


Now my room is just filled with broken dreams
That could've been
If only they'd seen
How my heart was in pain
And my mind that is,
was, screaming.

Sedentary on the bench in the back garden
for the final hours of the day
the time in the evening when the sun disappears
and daylight fades away
still, looking out into the stark horizon
watching the colours change in the sky
from blue to red and cloudy
just like my eyes.

so silent, deep in thought
the beating of my heart
in sync with my tears as they fall from my cheek,
that turn into razor blades that fall upon my skin
in every drop lies a story
I find the bench starting to float
as the garden is flooded from the tears I shed,
by how much I bled,
the garden turned from green to red.

Please tell me i'm not as forgettable
as your silence is making me feel
listlessness in conversation
The white sky, blank. Sour air.
No emotion, no feeling

The rustling of the music on the radio
voices coming in and out of frequency
almost like the faint voices of myself in my ear
calling, begging for me to get over it.

I thought we were tessellated,
but were both a handful of hexagons
that just don't sit right.

The days are going so slow,
but my heart is beating so fast,
thinking about us.

The truth is,
you could break my heart in two,
but when it heals it beats for you.
Because love defines all,
everyone needs love,
you would let yourself get hurt
go beyond and above
over and over again just to prove to yourself
that they are for you,
just accept it!

...But its not for me to say stop trying,
because if he came back i would most certainly
lay my clothes down for him to walk over.
He is precious.
And he knows it.

Body is weak
Hard to think
Water is deep
Try not sink

I project what we could be
In the depths of my mind
I wish you could see
What you’re able to find

You don’t need me
You want me
All just because you’re lonely

You romanticize my mental state
You think that its cool
To suffer from hate
Chemical imbalance you claim to understand
But when it comes to my pain
You seem so offhand.

Will you call me to tell me you’re alright
I’ll worry about you the whole night
Don’t repeat my mistakes
I won’t sleep till your safe inside
If your home I just hope that you’re sober
Is it time to let go now it’s over
I couldn’t leave you this way
I won’t sleep til you’re safe inside

short fitted slit dress
numb red cheeks
night sky
twitching lights
standing on the edge
of the bricked bridge
arms wide
wind in her hair
biggest smile
tears in her eyes
I LOVE YOU ALL
as cars cross under,
blinding headlights
glints from the mirrors
SONDER!
i love you all!

I start to fall
& he spits on my soul
Heart turns to stone
I’m all on my own.

All on my own
Solitude owns my spirit
I’d hold your hand
But I couldn’t go near it
I’m scared to love you more.
I’m scared of feeling sore.
Though I think I can handle it,
I’m lacking the will to feel anymore.

You didn’t have to take the pills
You don’t have to take the scan
You didn’t have to *****
You didn’t have to be in pain
You didn’t have to be scared
You didn’t have to feel the ******* that traumatises you for weeks with no end
You didn’t have to live with my ***** body
Don’t dare say it was your stress
Because you have nothing else

bricks on my chest as I sleep
I’m not fond of you but I keep,
Caring about what you say
You aren’t me at the end of the day
I’ll be the girl with the broken neck
Standing in your corridor
At the end of your bed
In your head
Stop stop stop
Be real
Listen to her weep
Maybe you then will realise
But probably not

Pathetic romantic
That is me
I want something out of reach
All I’m getting is short & sweet
But it always ends sour.

It’s ******* boring.

my soul, is a void
that will shrink up inside me
I am close to losing myself entirely.

I look into the mirror
just a hollow spirit
with a solitary soul trapped inside me.

Scream
Scream
Mouth so wide
The corners of my mouth
Begin to tear
Fingers tangled in my hair
pulling, no care
Hitting my head
off my tears it fed
i wish I was asleep instead.

How do I explain
In words
My pain
It hurts
To contain
My feelings, In my head
From my eyes I bled
Face in red
I wish I was still,
And dead instead.

Standing here
In the mist
Black tar flowing towards me
Blood and sweat dripping from my lips
Blood and tears from my eyes
Blood and infection from my heart
Venom from my veins,
dripping from my fingernails.
Shaking on the inside, flesh bubbling,
Skin still like stone.

I ****** in the streets
with my eyes
and my smile
it's an instinct if i haven't loved in a while

it's the most amusing
-to me, to tease
over-aged men
because i know they'll never see me again

Their sick minds of lust
they were left
they're alone
drinking lager, jacking off
to **** Hub on their phone

They should know better than to wink at the minor in the street.
Its gut wrenching to see
how many freaks you never really meet.

Frostbitten fingertips,
Buttoning up my coat,
Echoing footsteps through the hollow bus station.
Grey clouds spitting rain,
Distant fog.
Hearing sniffles from people walking by.
Subtle coughs
Overgrown alleyways
Gloomy Sundays.

I don’t want to die
But it’s killing me from the inside
Adding deeper darkness to a night already lacking of stars
My tortured soul causes my body all kinds of sickness
Comfort over passion
My mind won’t stop replaying
The night I lost my dignity
The night I started losing

You don’t see me the same way as you used to,
And it’s all because of me,
I wanted too much too quickly
I wanted you to want me.

It was just such a rare feeling
So I knew it was real
Out of everyone I had met
You made my heart heal

I didn’t know how to feel
I didn’t know why
But I guess... it’s okay
Atleast were under the same sky.

Find someone else
To gaslight into insanity
I have no vitality
Left inside me
Lost myself entirely
As long as I have my family by my side
I’ll find myself
In them I’ll confide

Every time I hear a car outside my window
I think it’s you
My stomach churns.
I wish the whole year was erased
I wish I stayed home with my sister
I wish I was in her arms
I wouldn’t be suffering
I wouldn’t be punching my screen
I wouldn’t be dying inside
You’re killing me.

Don’t tell me you love me
I’m stuck in between
Cause i don't feel a thing.

Will it be too late for you
Will I be happier
Looking down.
As people who looked down on me will look up
Where I gained my broken wings.

Plagued by nightmares
But I can’t give up now
Not now.

You gaslight me into insanity
I’m not flattered by your vanity
Truth from distortion
You can’t deceive me
It takes a shattered mind to see
A white rose bleed.
Don’t you wonder
Don’t you sonder
First step possession
Second step control
Third violence
Don’t manipulate
Don’t guilt
I’ll hurt you more
sink my teeth in deep,
quench out the fluids in your brain
You won’t sleep.

Pain is alive
And it’s eating you up
Struggling to survive

Strolling in the dark
My heart bleeding
lungs hurt
Eyes seeping
Ears red
Off my tears he fed
The wind is cold
Thinking to myself
Secrets untold
Chains around my body
Covered in rust and mould
Unloved just lust
Key to my heart and mind
Smothered in dust.
Want to end the game of life
And start the sequel of death.