Caitlin: Poems

Caitlin Mar 2019

One day I’ll stop pausing my life for you.
I’ll let it play out the way it was meant to.
No longer a main character,
you’ll become an extra in my tale.

I’m obsessed with movies

#movingon #selfcare #remake

Asphyxiation

Caitlin May 2019

Asphyxiation

I put all my faith in the good I thought I saw in you
I ignored those who truly loved me
Those who knew you would destroy the best in me
I foolishly gave you my trust
I defended you until I was blue in the face
I killed myself wasting my last breath on you

Aura

Caitlin Jan 2019

Aura

Surroundings become foggy, unfocused
Thudding as loud as thunder
Pain a crack of lightning
Aftermath of broken, scattered thoughts

#pain #storms

Cold as ice

Caitlin Mar 2019

Cold as ice

I become frost bitten responding to your words.
My limbs grow numb at the same time as my mind.
My hands grow cold at the same time as my heart.
My fingers turn black at the same time as my soul.

Colourblind

Caitlin Feb 2019

Colourblind

I'm told I don't see your true colors, I see you through rose coloured glasses.
I try to convince them that they don’t know the person I have grown to love.
The only person I’m fooling is myself.

#blind #good #bad #damaging #sides

Dam(n)

Caitlin Jan 2019

Dam(n)

To family, friends and strangers-
I’ve bottle everything up inside.
Suppressed my true thoughts and feelings.
Quashed any emotion.

I couldn’t speak the words,
but I sure as hell can write them.
Maybe this will heal me.
Instead of hiding, let me rip myself open for all to see.

#emotions #burst #bottled #reacting #help

Fantasies and Nightmares

Caitlin Jan 2019

Fantasies and Nightmares

I cannot escape you,
even in my dreams.
Sometimes they are fantasies,
showing how I wish we were.
Sometimes they are nightmares,
reminding me what we really are.
Both torment me.

I realize my last two have both started with I cannot, but to be honest I do feel helpless when it comes to this “muse”

#stuck #dreams #nightmares #wishes #fantasies #torment

Games

Caitlin Feb 2019

Games

I waited for you to say those words, to finally admit you cared.
By the time you said them out loud, I was already ensnared.
To someone new, just as broken as you.

Do I truly yearn to hear that phrase,
Or are you all just a game I play?
An intricate way to feel desired,once I have you I’m no longer inspired.

#relationships #games #broken #giveup

Golden Flecks

Caitlin Jan 2019

Golden Flecks

Green
Like envy
Stare straight back
They break me apart
Again

#green

I can’t see

Caitlin Jan 2019

I can’t see

I can’t see beyond the fog,
I wait for your eyes to clear
For your storm to pass.

I Wonder- Do you know?

Caitlin Jan 2019

I Wonder- Do you know?

Do you know that every time you speak of them you drive a knife into my heart?
At least have the decency to sharpen the blade first, give me a quick clean cut.
Instead your knife is dull and it rips me open slowly, excruciatingly.

I will never learn

Lyrics

Caitlin Feb 2019

Lyrics

Every song brings an image of you into my thoughts.
Good and bad, even some missing memories.
A foggy feeling knowing that you were there.
Knowing I was safe I let myself go.
But now I hear those songs and I yearn for those absent moments.

Masochist

Caitlin Jan 2019

*******

I told you I was a *******,
that I love a little pain.
I thought the sadist in you would make me a fun game.

I was not prepared for the way you chose to harm.
Mentally and emotionally instead of tying up my arm.

I see now that you’re a lesson learned too late.
Nothing good can come from you, you live to humiliate.

#relationships #love #pain

Mirage

Caitlin Feb 2019

Mirage

You are so close

I can see you on the horizon

You are my salvation

The closer I get

The more I realize

When I touch you

You’ll disappear

You were never really there

#mirage #imagination #reliance #ghost

Mum

Caitlin Jan 2019

Mum

When I was young I heard someone say,
“I laugh in the face of danger then run and hide until it goes away”
I’ve adopted this defence mechanism.
News I can’t handle becomes a comedy rather than a tragedy.
Maybe if I make light of my pain it won’t be so bad.
Maybe if I don’t take it serious or will disappear.

Ever since I was young my family and I have have dealt with bad situations by joking. We are the type to laugh at a funeral and like to avoid the tough stuff for as long as we can.

#scared #family #defence

Nothing left

Caitlin Mar 2019

Nothing left

All your fears come true,
  you were just there in lieu.
A body to warm his bed,
  a soundboard to ease his head.
You always were a placeholder,
  again forced to grow colder.
Soon there will be nothing there,
  no words or love to show you care

I actually can’t do this anymore. Sorry it was you I had to cut out but I can’t do this again.

#worthless #pain #used #abused #manipulated

Protect me

Caitlin Jan 2019

Protect me

I protect you
Your thoughts
Your secrets
Your pain

You hurt me
You are my thoughts
My secrets
My pain

#secrets #pain #protection #loyalty

Sands of Time

Caitlin Mar 2019

Sands of Time

Everyday at three fifteen you appear in my thoughts.
Routine urges me to reach out to you.
But by three sixteen I remember why I won’t,
you aren’t worth my time.

Letting go of some of the toxic things in my life.

#time #friendship #give #up #worth #fights

Sensory wounds

Caitlin Mar 2019

Sensory wounds

This song mixed with that scent,
the final blow.
What was already cracked,
is now destroyed.

#songs #smells #cracked

Silent

Caitlin Feb 2019

Silent

You dismissed me immediately.
You didn’t even bother to look me in the eye.
I stood there wondering how you decided so fast.

You had looked so kind,
I thought maybe this one is different.
I decided to be brave, to cross that line.
Within seconds you made me regret it.

I wasn’t ready.
Now it will take even longer.
I fill my mind with reasons to make up for your silent rejection.

Untitled

Caitlin Jan 2019

Untitled

I know its cliché,
your eyes see right through me.
I spill all my secrets and desires to spend another moment with you.
I betray myself in your heartbeat.
I can's stop myself when I'm caught in your gaze.
Your eyes are an illusion of home.
I should have known better, for now I'm trapped.
My walls have crumbled only to be surrounded by yours.

#home #relationships #friendship #walls #secrets

Untitled

Caitlin Jan 2019

Untitled

I cannot leave you
You are already broken
I will give up pieces of me
To try and make you whole

— The End —