I am skilled in the art of the bitter self-slur.
Coward, selfish, ugly, weak,
For now, these are my truths.
I blend them, drink them in,
They make me thin.
I am myself. These are my choices,
I direct rage inwards, flee non-sanctuary,
Take refuge in the trees, and there, a black-eyed dog
bares his teeth and threatens, but I let him,
I pet him. His tongue is rough, and grazes me,
I laugh, and laugh, and laugh.

You have tied me too tightly
And the ropes are chafing,
Let me go
Before I panic
And the blackness overwhelms.
You have bound me
Mercilessly,
Now you pound me,
You won't stop -
Don't stop,
Until you've ground me
Down.

The noon sun blisters the earth,
Beats upon the brain, semi-boiling blood.
I am swimming through the sun, its rays are waves
breaking over me, soaking me with sweat
that pools under my bared *******.
Slick with lotion, I shift upon the searing sand, aroused,
Dreaming of a shaded room, your fingers on my sun-kissed skin,
And there you are; with a frosted glass
of something cold, crusted with icy diamonds.
Smiling, you hold it against my flesh
Relieving that small part of me from heat,
Raising gleeful goosebumps,
Cooling me outside
And stoking a fire within.

My brother is too far away.
Today, that matters,
Sometimes it doesn't.
I have learnt that no contact is easier than a little,
Which works unless I'm feeling broken
and alone.

My brother and I
Were so close, when he was here.
Now I never turn to him,
He knows next to nothing about my life.
It was his choice to leave,
And my choice not to grieve.

My brother is too far away.
Today, that matters,
But the silence has gone too far, too,
There's nothing he, or I, can do.

Yesterday, my psyche took a beating,
Today, I feel like a bruise
That is past its angry, blue-black peak
And throbs with a dull, distracting ache.

Like the aftermath of a storm
When the formerly purple clouds lighten
But still threaten a final, farewell wetting.

That's me, a bruise of many hues
Across a canvas of undetermined mood,
Turbulent, fierce, bleeding still,
Close to the surface, threatening to break.

If I wanted just to disappear,
I'd have to make a plan.
Slowly, slowly, subtly,
I would turn into a man.

And as things bulge, and shrink, and lengthen
Then I'll know I cannot stay
But, having said that, knowing my luck
He would then decide he's gay.

There's a name that I can no longer hear, or say.
So I have hidden my four year old daughters' favourite book (about a bee),
And taken down the postcard of the Houses of Parliament
That sat in my study, for years.
CBeebies is switched off at certain key moments, too,
It's only a cartoon, but...
I can't hear, see, speak or think the name,
Without wanting to *****, or cry.
It means 'son of...'

And that's pretty apt, actually.

I'm convinced that I needed you
To find myself, again
You offered me a doorway
Back into my own head.
It could have been anyone
You are unimportant
In the scheme of things
I'm in love with the drama and the dreaming,
Not the man.
It would hurt you to know this
What happened between us
was exactly what it was, for you.
Not the aftermath
The cleaving to a dream.
I'm sorry.
I used you.
Would it help to know
That I was clueless at the time?
I believed myself helpless
Even as a little part of me stood aside
Detached from every feeling
And rejoiced in what this meant for me
Awakening
Rebirth.

You have no idea
How you have changed me.
You think it just a minor lapse
Easily overcome.
A dalliance, sidelined,
Quickly forgotten.
What if you knew
How I have altered?
That there is someone else
Underneath my skin?
Our kiss unearthed a changeling
And everything I touch
Feels alien and other-worldly
Abstract, and assumed.
My life has been stolen
It belongs to that other person
She’s hidden far below
Whimpering for release
Too quietly to hear.
My blood is screaming
Thundering with new, unwelcome cells
It drowns the old me out
Help me overcome the usurper
Keep away, away
She feeds on you and grows strong
Starve her.
Stay away.

Holding you between my lips,
I would speak in tongues
And remain forever mute.
Although I need to taste you,
There is rapture in anticipation.
I delay the moment that you yield, then burst,
Your perfect, perfumed juices
Trickling slowly down my chin.

Love, you have liberated me
In every way.
Don't ask me to describe that dungeon,
For I no longer fester;
I am free.

Love, you have liberated me
In every way.
I don't just fly in my dreams,
I soar through my life
I am free.

Love, you have liberated me
In every way.
I am chained to you,
I choose to be,
I am free.

Cold rain cleanses
A polluted soul.
Fragility crumbles
In the face of such relentless
Pounding downpours.
This is character building,
Strengthening weather.
It's everything I need.
I bathe,
I bask,
I bring my weakness out to play,
And watch the rainfall
Wash it all away.

I cannot be curbed, I cannot be tamed,
I cannot adopt moderation, or restraint.
My appetites are rampant,
And my passions wreak havoc like a violent summer storm.
Do not try to temper my lusts, or divert my inclinations,
For you will fail.
I will not have it said, that I merely existed.
Life is delicious, love is everything,
Why would you seek, therefore, to dampen your desires?
There is much to adore, there is much to abhor,
And I would not have it any other way.

I have been in an almost sleep all day,
Perpetual semi-twilight.
Each time I surfaced
I popped another pill (on an empty, aching stomach)
And returned to not quite dreams
It was almost fun.

The moment when the little pill kicks in
Is all the relief you've ever felt.
Pain, the master of your world
Recedes
And febrile fantasies erupt
Spilling from your head, to your bed.

I don't think I want to get well.
I thought the most fantastic poem,
But I couldn't break the surface
For long enough to capture it.
It eludes me now, while lucid,
But the pain is creeping back...
So, time for a little white saviour,
Perhaps I will rediscover
My lost masterpiece.,
Buried in the desert of disease.

I have been in an almost sleep all day,
Perpetual semi-twilight.
Each time I surfaced,
I popped another pill (on an empty, aching stomach)
And returned to not quite dreams,
It was almost fun.

The moment when the little pill kicks in
Is all the relief you've ever felt.
Pain, the master of your world, recedes,
And febrile fantasies erupt,
Spilling from your head, to your bed.

There was...This...Most fantastic poem,
But I couldn't break the surface
For long enough to capture it.
It eludes me now, while lucid,
But the pain is creeping back...
So, time for some little white saviours,
Perhaps I will rediscover my lost masterpiece,
Buried in the desert of disease.

It is snowing in my soul
Swirls of icy air swoop about me
And my only refuge
Is a cold, crumbling church
Guarded by a grinning gargoyle
With his claws embedded in my feebly beating heart.
It’s colder still inside
The pews are crusted with ice like slate
And the stained glass windows show
Drooping tortured souls
In Christlike agony
All forsaken.
Penitent, I huddle at the altar
But there’s no reviving wine
To gently wash away my sin

I cannot sleep until you're home. The second that you slip under the sheets beside me I will allow sleep to take me, almost brutally. Having you beside me is enough, there need be no communication.

No-one is closer to me than you and yet, I lead a secret inner life that I just can't explain to you. I have no idea how you would respond if I were to communicate these truths. Some of these thoughts make little sense, even to me. It is enough just to have you by my side. No-one can, or should, know everything about another. You know, without knowing.

But you will be home soon. I lie here, so far from sleep, yet exhausted, and trace the contours of your face in my mind, over and over again. Your face is like granite, you are bearlike, fierce; safety, protection and sleep. You will be home, and I will lose myself in dreams that I cannot fall into while you are absent. In those dreams, there are things I cannot face alone in this bed.

You will be home, to free me from exhaustion, you will come home.

Hurry home.

Enter me, now know the mind inside.
And as you do, so I, in turn, know you.

Reality will never touch us,
Those thoughts are swords for me to swallow,
I will never sharpen them again.

Come into my heart.
There is no-one there,
I saved that space for you.

Live within my dreams, make them yours, ours,
Make a world, build it and then enter,

Live within me, love the mind inside.

We'll stroll one day
Down a country lane,
Palms together, flesh to flesh,
Stopping to kiss
In sunshine-dappled glades.
My hawthorne hero, holding me
against you as we gaze,
Stopping to laze
Upon each other,
Drunk on heat and sweat and summer ***,
The scents of oh, everything, including us
And we are all.
Giddily, we'll fall
Together. I will know
What it is to lie with you and laugh,
******* happiness in warm spurts
As you take me in your arms,
Fondling your possession
Finding me forever willing
Following me, fascinated, into the hot, hot
Summer of our lives.

Yes, freaky man on bus
Those are my *******, I'm sure
You must have seen a pair before?
I can tolerate a quick glance,
But is there any chance
You could take your stare elsewhere
For at least some of this journey?
I saw you pay in cash
At least you're getting your money's worth, at my expense.
I'd crotch-watch, pointedly,
Except there isn't much to see.

I want to *******
And **** you
And kiss you
I miss you
Will you
Please   Please          Please
PLEASE
Just
      *******
Come back?

How I laughed
When she said, “You’ve been corrupted by him,”
It’s so true
But not in the way that any of them think
I’ve allowed you to make me all about
***, all body parts and fluids and ***** words;
Come, ****, *****, ****
You have tuned me into your turn-ons.
Don’t get me wrong
It turns me on too
But – silly little girl -
All the romance
has only been in my head.
How you would laugh if you knew
How I have listened to these yearning songs
And dreamed of you
When all you really want
Is moist, willing flesh
And a warm, wet tongue.
I have been your *****.
No more.

There's something stuck in my throat.
I think it's my heart,
Trying to escape.
It cannot cope with any more pain.

It could be ***** though,
*****, or my heart?
Let's play Russian roulette.

If I cough it up
Will it be a magical cure
Or the death that I deserve?

Crossing Tower Bridge
I time travel, past many
Thames borne broken hearts

My sadness
Is a late summer storm.

A few days of sun,
But I knew it was brewing.
Anticipation, trepidation,
Gathering resolve.

It thunders over me
When I least expect it.
There's a sudden build up
Then release.

Afterwards
I feel renewed
for a while.

Only for a while.

I can still hear the thunder, in the distance
And I know it will return,
Heavier, and darker than before.

I am a little bit
Scared
I am perhaps
Scarred.

I think you might have
damaged me.

My heart has
shrunk

My head pulsates with
Pain.

You've planted
something
poisonous

And future carnage
lurks within.

I imagine your lips at the curve of my neck
Where soft white skin stretches like satin,
Inviting you to bite my shoulder.
Oh, feel free, I would love to feel your teeth there,
Bite until I breathe in sharply, and shiver.
I may try to pull away, but don't let me go,
It is all an act, I want to be here,
Firmly held by you, I don't want to escape.
Bite a little harder, a warning, with the aim to subdue,
My struggles will subside, see? I like it,
Love it, everything you do to me sets me on fire.
Taste me, bite me there again,
Pleasure will outweigh delicious pain.

My mind is a                ghost house,
Haunted by souls still trying t
   still here
o be found.
Some live
  still
Others,
       mere vapours
still here
Exhale, then die, and resurrect in technicolour,
Only to expire

again

Like candles in an unexpected breeze.
The windows were left open

In the dark, the spectres
still.

Give me a word
And I will find a way to make it mean you.
You are so present, in everything,
That the word ‘reminder’ is redundant.

Other words that no longer make any sense;
Perspective
Laughter
Happiness
and trust.

I have no use for ‘music’ now
I think I understand the concept, but
it’s alien, and makes me shudder.
Why would I allow it to enter my ears
And encourage tears?

Kiss.
That’s another one to re-examine.
I can’t recall your kiss,
I try, and my mouth quivers, and implodes
My insides twist
And I’m engulfed in misery.

There are some words I can’t deny, though
I can’t bear to list them here.

I thought it would stop happening
With distance,
But it doesn't.

I am ashamed.

I feel that every time I write
It is a new betrayal,
But I can't help it.

I keep thinking of the movie
Where the girl wipes all memories of her ex-lover from her brain.
Would I do that, if I could?
You aren't my ex-lover,
But I love you,
And I wish I didn't.

I am ashamed.

Confusion is more than a mental state
For me right now,
It's a mindset.
I embrace it.

There are multiple worlds in my head.
I'm living them all.

I am ashamed.