I'm not perfect,
I know I'll never be.
I still strive for perfection,
Something I'll never have.

Society wants perfection,
Even when it says it doesn't.
Just look at ads,
Movies,
Even vegetables have to look good,
For stores to sell them.

How can anyone or anything ever be good enough when held up against something unachievable?
Something not even the seemingly perfect people have or are,
Something we all know is impossible,
But we have heard that everything is possible,
So some of us never give up,
It will never make us happy
And it will never happen.

The only way is to accept imperfections,
Accept not being perfect,
Accept being you,
Accept being different
And accept life as it is.

I'm not saying give up on your dreams,
I'm saying don't make yourself something you're not,
this ideal that you have in your head that is unattainable,
this person that's so perfect that moving towards it becomes an obsession and addiction towards unhappiness, low selfesteem, depression and never feeling good enough no matter what you do or how hard you try.

I know it's cliche, but love yourself!

When I was a child,
I was taught poetry wasn't mild,
It was deep as the sea,
And it seemed truly unachievable for me.
I was taught poetry had to rhyme,
Every single line, every single time.
So poetry seemed out of my reach,
Like chasing a seagull down a beach,
Jumping ever so slightly away,
Or soaring into the sunny day.

So I never thrived for what I thought would,
No, Could
Never be.

I guess now I'm fixing the mistakes of past me.

my fingers have become bored with
the quicksand of routine
they prefer to dance erotically over my typewriter
frolicking like naked ballerinas
over an ancient stage
spilling their secret thoughts
onto blank page,
after their day job
threaded together
over my lap,
or bending over to
reveal the contents
of my burlap sack

they have taken instead
to jumping over cracks
in the nothing of night
stifling the sound of silence
with assortments of clicks and clacks
punching in the perfect pitch of keys
to leave Beethoven blind
from this symphony of notes combined

and just like that at last
they have unfolded some rhyme
unachievable with ink and pencil,
without the stencil of time
dictating to work inside the lines

Can you feel all the suffering, can you see it?
Stop embracing the hate of your own humanity, just quit it
Why all the hypocrisy?
Challenge your democracy

Aim for enlightenment
Fight against all ill torment
Oppression, alienation, inequality
The government's manipulative utilities

Explore your human aptitude
Your mind and your magnitude
Because passion is power and
You can make all evil cower

Work to open your third eye
Don't cry or comply, but rather ask "why?"
Empathy and compassion are most important
Without them, moral principles remain impotent

Our world is nothing compared to the entire universe
We are so small, egoistic, and it's getting worse
Focused on all of the wrongs ideals
Creating terrible and false ordeals

Our world is cruel and mean
Too many people die hungry
There's no such thing as equality or true justice
It does not exist in this realm of consciousness

If only we could shift the system and our ways
Then things would continue to fall into place
But change is virtually unachievable
Especially when entities with just intents are inconceivable

Human beings are clueless, trapped in a trance
Don't let yourself fall victim to your ignorance
You need to expand your knowledge and your perspective
Aim to be more pensive and introspective

Challenge absolutely everything you are told
Form your own beliefs, don't let your mind be controlled
Remove yourself from conformity and complacency
And you'll realize a multitude of problems, that I guarantee

You can't trust anything

Hear what I'm saying 

No you cant trust anything

Believing is damaging

Creating is everything, it's promising
Stop adhering to societal norms

Why do you conform

To all that

The government tells us

All that society spells for us
Why don't you realize

Wake up from all the lies

The world is an intricate place, that you can't replace

But you can change your ways and your pace

Create some displacement in the system
Stand up your rights

And what you believe in

Be genuine

Imagine

Not one person, thing, or system

Can tell us, control us, conform us

With enough minds open and motivated
We can help those oppressed and alienated
We can change this race for the better
Let's all work to be that kind of trendsetter
Come on, let's start a movement
So we can see some real improvement
In our world, our ways, and our wisdom
But most importantly in the system

If nothing, She was a statue in the whistling wind
A perfect notion, an ideal image
Her heart no longer beating
for lack of love and not eating

Still
A lonely tear falls down her cold cheek
Falling
Into the unknown
Into the dark, dismal world
Where a beautiful soul was frozen
Where a beating heart was broken

The taunts, the tears, the laughs and stares
feeling as though nobody cares
A life bound to a distorted reflection
Chasing the unachievable dream of perfection

Every goal can be accomplish, with a little self motivation, nothings out of reach, people may steal away hope like an infant hidden away from his mother or an old man's cane assmbled out of reach; never let anybody astray you away from your dream; love one's nor foe's, use the criticism to your adavange and elevate yourself to unachievable possibilities within a broken system.

Thigh gaps, no fat flabs.
Bronzed goddess, half naked bodice,
We all buy into this masquerade
But let me tell you something, pretty fades

Society warps media to show us an unachievable dream,
One we will chase down till the day we run out of steam,
And then what?
They fabricate lies, telling us that if we have a gap between our thighs and pretty blue eyes,
Which will get the attention of guys and that’s the ultimate prize, right?

Diet suppressing pills that make you feel filled but are you fulfilled?
Running till blisters cover your heels,
Skipping those meals,
How did that make you feel?
Are you happy?
No
Because that’s the trick.
You’ll scroll social media and just as quick,
You don’t like what you see anymore,
It’ll make you sick.
You have to be skinny but hey wait we also like em thick,
So which do you pick?

But lets not forget the ones who scream ‘body posi’
And then say ‘oooh she’s too skinny’
‘That cant be healthy’
‘Gain 20 pounds, eat a Big Mac’
‘Guys don’t like girls with a small rack’
Is that a fact?
‘You need some meat on your bones’
Yeah well my body is my home, and I don’t remember inviting you in
You see, body shaming is a two way street,
Don’t go telling her she needs to eat,
Or her bones need some meat,
Stop fighting each other its this ideal were trying to beat

And then there’s those of us in the middle.
You’re not quite skinny but you’re not quite thick so you’re not allowed to complain,
‘You don’t know the pain’.
They call you skinny,
So you say you’re a size 12,
They say ‘that cant be’
They don’t believe me.
Just because I know how to dress my body to look a certain way
Does not mean that I don’t resent what I see at the end of the day.

I am sick of wanting to look like somebody else.

I am sick of crying every night in bed, and wanting to be dead
and to that voice in my head..
*******!
Stop telling me that no one will love me
Because I have a tummy
Because that’s not true.

And when I get a flat stomach then what?
What my hips are too wide? ***** too small?
**** too flat? Do you like anything at all?

No matter what I do there will always be something wrong with me in your eyes.
Ill never be good enough for you,
No matter how hard I try, how much I cry,
That wont change and nether will I.
You’ve made me wish I had the discipline to starve myself so you know what?
Go **** yourself

Comparison is the thief of joy, and I’m a serial burglar.

The Media shows you pretty and what a shame
Because beauty is not the same.
There are no standards or aims.
It’s not about how you look,
It’s about how you took
The gift of life
And you breathe and you blink
And you create and you think.
Beauty is laughing out loud.
It is being proud
Of yourself and everyone else.
Beauty is the smell outside after rain,
Picking yourself up after all that pain,
It’s keeping calm when you feel like you’re going insane.
It’s forgive and forget
No regrets,
Beauty is living.
Beauty is how you feel and breathe
Because you’re alive.
It’s determination, perseverance because you strive,
To be the best, because you expect
Nothing less,
From yourself.

The more you try to adhere to what society wants you to look the more you’ll feel like crap,
It’s a trap,
Now I’m not saying the key to happiness will just fall into your lap,
It’s hard. I know.
It takes time, work and energy,
But for the possibility,
That you like what you see
To be happy?
Isn’t it worth it?
My body is a work of art.
Tattoos and piercings line my skin,
I haven’t loved my body
But I can begin.

Society profits off of your self-hate,
Don’t take the bait,
It’s not too late,
Speak to yourself as you would your best mate.
When I die, my body is not my legacy.
Mourners will not say ‘lovely girl, shame about the belly’
‘Ya I agree,
A smart girl but not that pretty’
Nobody’s going to say
‘I loved her but her flat chest
Was not the best’
As they lay me to rest
The world will not come to a stop
Because of my muffin top
And I refuse to be a prop
In this production.
Killing myself to get a slim waist, big ****,
Big *****, small gut
And for what?
To perpetuate the message that you have to look like this too?
No, I refuse
If not for me, then for you.

I like my body
I don’t love it….. yet anyway
But I will one day
And that’s ok.
Find the charm in every mole, stretch mark and roll,
And don’t lose yourself
To the infinite scroll.
It’s not easy, I don’t have a simple solution,
But
Loving yourself is the greatest revolution

An Open Letter to my Best Friend**

You, dear are the strongest person I know,
And trust me when I say, I know a lot of people.

You stand, rooted as deep as an oak tree in my heart
Your eyes find their way into my dreams, burning with passion and fired belief.
Your sorrow matches the winds of the sea
Constantly badgering you
With the threat of drowning,
I'm so scared you'll take yourself from me.

Your voice is something,
I can only be thankful for
Coming to me in times of need
It has all the power to make my heart soar, suturing the bleed.

Your dreams,
You've been told,
Are far fetched at best
And unachievable at most.

What people don't understand
Is unicorns are shy creatures
Who just don't have the heart
To prove they exist.
Even though they run free,
Jump high
And take great pride
(Their horns are always meticulously shined.)

I think back on the times
You taught me to be strong
Without even knowing
You were consistently adding words  
To my life's song.

The melody just a little sweeter
While it plays in my head
Added like you do with sugar to your coffee before bed.
Sparingly,
But needed.
Oh so very needed.

You, my darling, have your roots dug deep
Your dreams being dreamed
Your life, I do believe
Is worth so much more than an amount that any bank could offer,
Is worth more than the english language can explore,

And all I need you need to remember,
The alphabet is composed of 26 letters,

Voldemort wasn't always in power,
take each insult
And pull a Tom Marvolo Riddle out
of the sorting hat.

Believe that the positive outweighs the negative,
And yes that means your scale is wrong.
Tumblr's idea of pretty girls,
Doesn't take place in my song.

So this is an open letter,
To my very best friend.
Darling, please know
You can always depend
and lean
and cry on
and hate
and call
and love
and trust

me.

Infinities and unfathomables
Unseeables and unthinkables
They want the unachievable
But all I ask in this transcient state
Is a tiny forever
Just within the confines of possibility
Just outside the realm of reality
Right in the center of your soul.

a false hope,
mindless optimism,
delusion.

an unattainable target,
an unachievable goal,
self pity.

a false hope,
misunderstanding,
regret.

love,
or not,
forget.

remember,
repent,
rejuvenate.

forget,
fall,
repeat.

Don't blame your dreams
For life's sudden twists
Nor condemn them as silly
things you once wished

A dream's reason for being
it's purpose and aim
is to bring you fulfillment
not just money or fame

They gave you hope through depression
they gave you a path through the trees
they were there to remind you
of all you could be

How can you stare down your dreams
How can you stand there and say
that it's the fault of your dreams
that you've ended this way

Your dreams asked you for nothing
They stood by you, steadfast
when the wine overflowed
when you'd broken your glass

Your dreams didn't do this
they made no decisions
they only showed you potential
they showed you a vision

There are few things in this world
as depressing or meager
Than a man with no hope
Than a dream with no dreamer

Family is that  familiar word for the go-getters, the thoroughbreds of the families, those nearest and dearest applaud the strong to thrive, and yet a painful  forgotten word, for the lost generation,  ignored and despised,special and different, terminally unique, were only as strong as our weakest link lost black sheep and shepherds sanity on the brink of exposing the lies, waiting for the train that will never come to the station;
In time...

Forget
About
ME
I
LOVE
You

Screaming "Do I even exist? ******* LOVE ME!"As he tightens his headlock, begging to be loved, from a desperate rage of rejection.

"But why won't you love me the way that you don't? I'm a lovable hopeless drunk loser ,who hasn't washed in months, I'll be the prodigal son  if you want ,coming home and we can sit at the table for lunch ...wishful thinking! If only! you could love me unconditionally ,and not just on a hunch!
If  you want me, Just a touch of acknowledgement will do! I'll give you my soul on my sleeve, just some crumbs from your lofty plinth, to my slum will suffice!
I'm so ******* lost in the dark of the night, I forgot I was looking for love  and soulmates at first sight!"

Screaming to be acknowledged from the four corners of the globe since time began, everybody knows there's a pink elephant in the room being ignored, like the emperors new clothes.  Couples desperate to procreate, using frozen embryos. Those still remembered ,who died ages ago,
Forget me not , everyone wants to be known,Everyone misses someone, and children yearn to be grown. Don't forget all those lost childhoods, Once my heart was my home, a long long; long time ago!The machine advertises  the have's and the have not's ...all those special qualities, some of us just don't got.... were what's  lacking in our family units cost... and immediate vicinities. Thank God for the internet, hounding us  to forget our inherent need to be loved and belong, feeding us with toxic seeds of disconnected, anti-life and discombobulated lifelong wrongs, from  a plethora of sources transmitting The current Perfect archetypal family systems ,propagated  through the myriad of deadman tv shows, and films ,promoting an unblemished, should be family values and traditions, most of us know we will never live to experience. Force feeding us with a yearning of an unachievable contentment in our innocence , hoping in our wildest dreams ,we try to ignore the facts displayed in the constant narrative dictated through the mean instrument of mental emotional and spiritual propaganda...**** your tv licenceS! and smash the ******* thing into public artistic scenes!, smash them into smithereens!don't be ambivalent! No one wants to sit down on the fence as a family and watch on the screen the colour purple riddled with ****** and seriously toxic themes for participants.

Forgotten and ignored are the origins of the word family... famula-serving woman or famulante-servant or even familiarcus -house hold slave...So it should come as no surprise that the human race has been plagued and fractured with slavery throughout our brief brutal AGE.From a creative perspective I can understand the widespread epidemic curse in the hearts and minds of manhate and mankind,of the feeling that we do not belong to our very own families our communities and the societies structured to evoke the black sheep syndrome .It is this lack of feeling apart of, and that we do not exist , that has inspired an overwhelming need for us to persist and create our own families,tribes,gangs,communities, groups and fellowships. From the tower of babel, its as if  we have  been programmed to automatically divided, segregate and become as alien as possible to each other sides.Separating cultures with borders and religion,class and access all areas for members only. Blood is running through my body just like yours, and I done a big massive **** this morning! Do you identify? Nothing like a good ****!
This has become one of the defining factors of the human experience our evolutionary process and diversity.Not our **** similarities! Yet it is these differences that have caused over a billion to be killed! Thats a lot of hate and anger,pain and suffering ...And I'm adding up everyone whos ever been killed because of there differences...Just imagine?..Its probably a lot more! why can't we just get along? and stop all the wars? Everybody wants to be right, Everybody yearns to be wanted ,needed and loved,to feel they exist and that they belong.But with a record number of divorces,broken families and runaways in a culture spiraling further and further away from the original family structures intention, where do we go from here?What is our inheritance? Why do we always fight over money? Why not just care to dare to share?

I find in this day and age, we the broken human family, searching for all these possibilities of experiencing the human experience in the wrong social utilities . Such as gang warfare,militia, online gaming and the plethora of virtual communities available from facebook and myspace to mental health and suicide forums, social toxic rearing, which mimic a sense of divergence,preference, belonging and being apart of something other than feeling so alone! Which in reality we are!  Deepening our deepest wounds the one thing that we yearn for more than anything on the face of the earth is to feel connected,wanted ,needed and loved, everything a family is supposed to provide, not ruin and despise.

The most horrific emotions, I have ever felt was the rejection and abandonment by my mother, when I was just a special wild child, the terror and dread of not being wanted was horrific, and created a deeply destructive state which infected my core, and has grown into a great toxic spiritual tumor 30 years later. I fear I will never get over it! With my head in the sand, so many relevant individual grains just swept under the carpet like a hidden beach, and so I search for the love I was denied in a thousand ways and a million times I seek. From hunting for my mothers love in another woman or a man. I can't even begin to explain the pain my father inflicted upon me. lest I curl into a ball and die right now! Its as if he hated me more than words ,and yet I loved him so much. Left me seeking comfort in despair in the pit in the belly of the beast, through alcoholism and addiction of every kind! none of these methods was sufficient in filling the void inside,The hole in my soul can't breathe,for all to see, especially me ,can't hide but only these things expanded it , creating a deeper hunger and leaving me more broken and empty. My desperation to remain part of the family was displayed in my familiar slave like demeanour(desperate to please my mother) by cleaning the whole house  from top to bottom with a toothbrush. I would lose myself in the neverending chores, it was never a bore, as long as mother didn't let me go, but it was never enough, and it seems as if I was doomed to be a cast out! on my own, exposed to the harsh reality of being alone my worst nightmare coming true... me dying from loneliness! They say its true! and I can understand now how that could be possible ....

There are so many different types of families, and ways for us to feel as if we are connected to a greater community, to feel as if we fit in. But often children grow without a father figure to balance ,protect and nurture them ,lead them! But what if there father is a drunken ,violent,gambling ,deranged bully? what then? Surely they would be better off without such a toxic head of the family, infecting his sons and daughters with the sins of the father. Who of us is cursed with being the blacksheep of the family ? having to toil for the rest of our days in the vastness of our existence, primarily alone ,we search in vain for surrogate mothers and sisters and fathers and brothers. But we find them not, because substitution will never suffice in order for us to truly count and heal within and feel alive ! We must heal this broken bridge that has crippled us to the core in our very short miserable lives.

Its up to us to give love where we have been denied. Invite the broken souls inside, shelter them from the  bitter cold, Just to see another friendly face can mean so much! why is life so tough?, leave us like Lazarus risen from the grave,or Adam and Eve and able and cain to the prodigal son, we have always suffered when we were on our own and alone, I know you prefer your own company, but we were born to surpass ourselves and continue to co-exist beyond our own morality...Ub3

We are imperfect products
placed in the midst
of an imperfect society,
a vicious cycle of perseverance
and failure:
constructed,
broken,
fixed,
and fixed again.

Airbrushed and painted
to perfection:
pale skin
flushed cheeks
slim legs
and a smooth mindset.
Opinionated only
on the matter of
superficial products –
glamorizing and embellishing.

Deteriorating enamel –
cracks in a varnished frame.
A scratched surface,
damaged to the core,
polished and glazed over.
Skin made paler,
cheeks more flushed,
skin and bones,
and a mind wiped clean.

Unachievable expectations
and inevitable failure
are enough to b r e a k
even the toughest material

d
o
w
n.

Being in gymnastics
Is like being in an abusive relationship
Everything just tells you "NO"
But you still stay

From the bars,
And how it releases the grips of your hands
To the beam,
Which only aims to make you wobble and fall off
To the vault,
Running full speed to it only to make you miss the vault
To the floor,
Wherein you try to flip and twist only to be defeated by Newton's law of gravity

With the stupid scoring system
Pointing out every flaw
With a deduction
Just cause your bra strap is showing
jeez!

And how we are trained to achieve the unachievable —
How every move is supposed to be precise
Every muscle squeezed and tight —
Perfection

And the fact that
You'll never actually be the best
There's always a harder skill
After you've achieved what you may think
Is your "hardest"

It pushes you
To your breaking point
Forcing you to be
This perfect formed strong gymnast
Which pays so much costs
Literally blood, sweat and tears

It tells you that
Every ******* time you fall
You just gotta get back up
And try again
That no matter how much sore you are
You gotta **** it up
And do it again
And again and again and again
Until you finally get it

But there are these magical moments
those little moments of pure happiness
When you get a skill you've been working on
When coach praises you for your improvement
When you get over your fear
And when you stand on top of that platform
Knowing you gave it your all

These moments
Are what keep us going
These moments
Are what we come back for
Time after time after leaving the gym saying
"I hate training!"
There's just something about
These moments so special
That keeps us wanting more

And I will never
ever
Stop loving gymnastics
No matter how many times it hurts me

My uncle slit a man's throat with a box cutter in my childhood home and didn't apologize.
Sitting in a circle filled with crack smoke and stale beer breath.
This is a shining example of what I've lived with
and the lengths I've had to go to escape the thing people call "destiny".

Thievery, lies, pressure, and violence
has been calling my name for the longest.
But I know the voice too well to be taunted.  

Words are my freedom and words are my piece of mind.
There is not a single substitute.
Whether poem, prose, or paragraph,
This is the only calling I've ever had.

I've lived with a hoarder, addicts, senility, and ignorance
in a variety of different combinations and forms.
At times, power, water, freedom, money, necessities, have all been an unachievable thing to me.
Lost to the vile goals of those folk I love.
I am the only one who sees the beauty in the fragile and odd.
The others see only a mess on a paper, and move their eyes to the nearest glowing box.

My father drowned when I was six.
My grandfather followed soon after.
My mother felt the stab of this and caved so many times.
I witnessed and shared the burden of her pain and grief.
My grandmother forgot everything she ever loved or knew, and short after passed as well.
Pets and possessions,
friends and followers.
All gone with a drastic breeze.
I am the one with the vision, but I am trapped in a shell of a city,
covered with that wretched stink of refined soy.

Will I be able to unburden the world from myself?
You all give me such great courage and allow me to share the beauty as I see it.
You all have such great skill with symbols and it makes me feel like home isn't far.
I want this. I want this.

If I keep breathing like the rest of the world
I feel I may miss the sound of the world's heartbeat.
But my death would not bring a solution for the ones I love.
Only a warrant for more death.
I need this. I need this.

With my words, I conjure up hell.
And hell brings with it the familiar.
Run little kitties, run.
The Doubling House and The Sequential Church will not hold forever.
My havens are temporary, but the craters are forever.
I will struggle till the pain becomes all I am
and I buckle under the weight of what I shouldn't have taken
from the mighty Atlas.

I do this for me.
I do this for you.

Before the thaw, my feet will be rooted
Into this nation’s primordial freeze
My muscles and bones will be acquainted with malaise
The sun’s altruism will be refuted

Before the thaw, I will struggle to find consciousness
The frost will leak through the bedroom window
And don the facade of a blanket
The door will prove to be bottomless

Possibilities will seem unachievable
The brain will itch for what it can not have
Buses will limp through congestion
And the blizzards may feast on the feeble

You may want to write of your misery
But your automation will halt in cataclysm
Because someone held a door open
For the gust that billows bitterly

Gastric emissions will become tangible
As smouldering wastes contrast against the sky with rancour
The wispy whites, marginalized into *****
And the world remains infallible

I will lack the tools of incision
To enact my life’s revisions
I will weep for my unguided millions
While I saunter into oblivion

After the thaw, I will smile
My expatriate soul will run in the whimsical wind
Of the morning dayspring that will march unto me
I will stand over a kingdom of honey-filled tiles

After the thaw, the arks will converge
Into the straits of the Bermudian Sea and the
Elusive Caspian Forest, where I will learn to love again
While bidding farewell to winter’s dirge

In the waking world, I will ***** a limestone castle
Where entropy will rule and the mind’s domain
Is left susceptible to perennial reverence
The sea, coloured true, nesting a fairgrounds vessel

In this Great Revision, gargantuan skyways
Will show the world how exiguous we are
That we must not wait for exodus to come
Should we fear to waste away
Into icebergs

Addiction to alcohol,
took its ugly toll.
Everything was
grey and black,
while sipping
pint after pint
dead of night,                                  
nothing would go right.

Waking up to morning migraines,
bruises on my swollen legs,  
pains in my chest;
shaky hands and sweats,
with no money left
except for a few penny's
memories of the night before a knew the score! some were good...some were very bad... but usually not that many I can remember.

Being the servent to devil's brew,
can lead to the darkest of avenues,
when you can no longer pay,
for the lifestyle,
you drink in the street,
sell yourself cheap,  
relationships are abusive,
opportunities are missed.  
You argue and alienate yourself
with the ones you love,
being the loner;
you feel no one cares
no one listens to you
no one is home.



My personal hygiene was the first to thing go,
my hair was greasy.  
over weight
I was constantly sweating  
got tooth decay                                 
ashamed to bare a grin
in case people mocked
and laugh at me.   

And mentally I felt drained;
nothing was ever worth the fight,
I felt nothing inside
wanted to go bed and hide.
Unable to turn off the mental abuse,
I couldn't write or think logic
threats, voices and paranoia  
consumed my head,
jump to conclusions
before anything was said.

To conquer a dangerous cycle of
emotional toxic drinking
is to start thinking smart,
To forgive not forget, 
Bare no grudges,                                                  
self awareness
meditation,                                        
write your triggers.

Drinking for me
was a way of socializing
with friends,
dealing with anxiety,
to help me forget the bad,
in the end all drinking did to me
if anything made me sad,
live my life in regret,   
live my life in shame,  
live my life in fear.
I didn't need alcohol to fit in
with friends in the end,
I lost interest in all my passions in life. Music, Dancing, poetry  and Open Mic.  Nothing I tried excited me no more; I felt numb.
I no longer able to write
or recite anything,
words and thoughts became jumbled
and abstract in my mind.  
I lost the way, I lost my identity
I lost my self respect,
pint after pint;
every day suffering from amnesia,
more confusion not knowing
who I am?  where I am?
I became angry and irritable
at even the slightest thing,
emotionally hurting people
that got in the way
only mission for the day
was to survive and                            
chase the next fix.

Was it really worth it in the end,
chasing that unachievable high
when in reality you felt like you were really going around in circles
over an cliff.  

I believe the hugest high in life fulfilling the ultimate purpose,
An real dream,
being the mother to my
beautiful daughter Sophie,
having people in my life that loves
and respects me and of course being able to communicate and write again.

Unborn and already
A path has been chosen
By those that are not them -
To become another cog
In the inescapable machine that is society.

Born - early, half dead.
A step toward failure in
The eyes of their creator
For what they cannot control -
To be fixed and set right
On the path that they will learn to detest.

Developing - on time
To the doctors’ surprise.
The creator gives praise,
But the approval never lasts -
The environment is unsteady and
Unfit for angels to properly grow.

Learning - to please
Instead of exist as one’s own,
Matured in the wrong ways
For an angel of that age -
Molded to never cause concern
No matter the magnitude of circumstance.

An inconvenience to their maker
Unless they could be shown off
For the benefit of the creator -
In private often belittled
And ignored for so much as being a child.

In public a model,
A display of perfection -
Quiet, reserved. Listens well.
A miniature of their puppetmaster
(As what the creator allowed to be seen).

Yearning - to deviate
To become their own
Without the wrath that
Has always followed a stray
From the carefully chosen path
That their master has made so
Impossibly unachievable.

Desperate - attempting to remove
Their wings, Trying everything to
Fall from grace -
To be cast aside and never acknowledged
Or cared for again.
An attempt to be free
Executed in the worst ways -
Broken and bleeding they
Almost always return to
The way it was before as
Their creator sees nothing but
A way to start over and
Mold them once again
Into something unattainable.

For the rest of eternity
All the angels who taste individuality
Pursue endlessly that
Momentary tinge of
Identity; willing to
Try anything and
Everything to become
Angels of their own
Once again, well
If you could call them that.

Lost Soul, Not Searching
Looking for immediate relief
To cure you for the moment
Of your inner grief

Quick high, no time to cry
numb, false happiness takes over
Everything looks good
When you're climbing the white cliffs of Dover

Sadness hidden, mask protecting
Could be anyone inside
True identities gone for the moment
White blanket does so well to hide

Talk about the impossible
Everything seems so clear
no sign of darkness
only the light is near

Everything is achievable today
But what about tomorrow?
Start descending, blanket lifted
here comes the sorrow

The mask of reality hits
Starkness is a dampener
Mood sets in
Lost feeling returned, positivity is hampered

The possible now seems unachievable
This day now unmanageable
Light dims, darkness returns
Nothing seems obtainable

Not coping,
Once again choosing the direction of oblivion
Where all seems well
No one can tell
That internally you are struggling

I have nothing to say because you've made me realise how stupid I've been and nothing can make it better now.
It can't be fixed. It's broken. Shattered.

How stupid I was to believe what we had was ever strong enough to withhold everything you made me feel, the weight of the pain, the duality of our emotions
how naïve I was to believe in the unachievable, that I could reach the unreachable

I've realised how much I have been used, just something on the side that's always there for convenience, for the experience, but never for the love that I deserved

And how stupidly naïve I've been to keep playing your twisted game, to keep convincing myself that your lies were the truth - even through doubt and accusations I believed in you, to keep allowing myself to fall deeper and deeper into the quicksand that was consuming me, the water that was drowning me, the light that was blinding me that was

stupid, stupid, stupid

I've realised how much one tiny thing can affect you and make you feel so much that you don't know what to feel, so you just feel nothing, empty, worthless

I've realised how quickly you can go from being everything to someone, their whole world, then the next moment you're everything you never thought you'd be  - a broken music string, a shard of broken glass, something that was once part of something beautiful, but that they no longer need, easily replaceable yet imperfectly replicable

How someone transforms from a caring companion to a silent stranger without you noticing or believing, and you waste your days and nights stupidly, relentlessly torturing yourself with thoughts about the exact moment that this transformation may have occurred, torturing yourself about all the things you should have done, should have said, but you didn't, suddenly carry the weight of all the sadness and heartache in your life

But of course this weight is still yours. And the carrier is still you.
Or rather the shadow of what you should have been.

I still have nothing to say. A million thoughts but no words. I will not let words betray me - my thoughts keep me safe. I will not let emotions consume me - small hope keeps me sane. it is

stupid, stupid, stupid

to believe that I don't deserve to carry this weight all the way out of the broken path of pain and regret, to release it in the light of new possibilities and new ideas and new behaviour because I am now free
- I can be who I want to be and think what I want to think and say what I want to say -
I will no longer be broken glass but a mosaic, no longer a broken string but an instrument, because no one is obstructing the construction of my goals and no one is disrupting the formation of my dreams and no one is making me believe I don't deserve what I want, that I don't deserve more than what you gave me.

I've realised how stupid I was to believe in you.

Foolish men.
You trust all that is around you,
you rely on the deceit, the deception,
like it is worth dying for.
You foolish men.
You’ve gotten so good at lying
that you can’t even tell the difference,
between your truths,
from your hollow lies.

I once believed that I can live happily ever after,
just as I’d watched in the movies.
I thought that I can have powers, cast spells,
and travel to a time before my own existence.

I once believed that,
I can fly on broomsticks, that I can make objects move with my mind.
I believed that I should just leave my cares behind,
that I should run away,
instead of facing the problems of life.
That even if words would afflict me,
or if the world persecutes me,
I should do nothing.

But we shouldn’t believe everything
that passes through our ears,
for we invest too much in these.
We should remember,
that we pour over worlds that have been imagined,
and that we watch scenes that look all
too good to be true.

Do not let these falsehoods keep you restrained.
But instead, let them make you better.
Let them make you bolder, fiercer,
and let them make you achieve.
Achieve in what was thought to be impossible,
what was thought to be unobtainable,
what was thought to be unachievable.
Don't let these lies keep you down,
because it is "I once believed" for a reason.
And that reason is,
that you didn't let the lies succeed.

For once I'm seeing facts, no idealistic thoughts
The dreams continue
Staying awake is the only way to stay safe
I know I want her
Need her
But I can't show her
It's not what she needs
So it's not what I want

Risking upsetting her
Something I rarely want to do
Rarely can do
And it tears me apart as I want an unachievable status
Happiness with her

But that's a contradiction
Her being happy
And her being with me
They can't happen at the same time
And her coming happy comes before me being happy


And it always will

I wanna moonwalk upside down on a cloud. Do The impossible. Things that aren't physically allowed...
The unthinkable. The unachievable. Everything unbelievable.
Saturn stride on an asteroid belt.
Swim on the suns surface as long as I wouldn't melt & live to tell how good it felt.
Run a moon marathon.
Ride on top a mastodon.
Float on an angels wings & pluck on her harp strings.
Slay a dragon wearing chain male with a long sword & as the rain fell scoot away on a long board.
Walk on water & rise on sand.
Crumble to pieces & return to solid on command.
Perform all my own stunts.
Be a double dog dare devil.
Be everywhere at once.
Always be next level.
Quadruple backflips always landing upright. Catlike. I wonder what that's like?
Perfect.
Supreme.
Living in a dream.
Surfing on shooting stars.
Canoeing in Milky Way bars as we all snicker. Keep going. Rowing as the chocolate stream grows thicker. Graham ******* life jacket. Icing filled lifesaver ring marshmallow packet. Candy cane Twizzler string racket. Lemon, where's my head at?
Drop the ball. Been there done that.
Rabbit in a hat magician.
Endless scarf transition.
Habit forming tradition.
Senseless. Don't know where the end is. Nowhere. Everywhere.
We're all right here. Left of where you're standing. We're all falling. A different act of landing. Stalling. Waiting... Weightless. Comfortably relaxed. Anticipating the parallax. A soul eclipse. A solar wisp of her lips. Kissing. Puckered. What you've been missing. Feeling a bit like you've been suckered. Willingly overwhelmed. Reminiscing.
A play on words. Play on. Hug tight on the curves. The days gone. The night is forever. Sunshine's for the birds. Maybe it's twisted. Take the road not taken. The unvisited. The one not listed. Take advice. Take it again. Take it twice. Around the bend. Bound to press send. Copy & paste it. Don't waste it. Even if it's sloppy give a chance to taste it. It could be sweet. Sugar it soft. Repeat. It's worthy. No need to worry... What's the hurry? There is none. Visions blurry but it's still fun. Super funzies. Adulthood in onesies. Toddlers in slacks. Giant bottles of milk with twist off caps. Baby sized six packs. Reversed living. Invert your reality. Introvert personality.

The pain
My pain
The pain you cause
The tears you force down my cheek
You can’t
You don’t
You choose not to try to understand me
No effort
It feels as though you laugh at my pain
My suffering
My loss
You are sick
What you are
It is not normal
You stress
You anger
You frighten
You intimidate everyone around you
You belittle everyone else’s problems
How dare you
How dare you yell at me?
How dare you look me in the eyes?
After you yell at everyone I love
After you make my loves feel unimportant
After you make my future seem unachievable
After you treat me like crap
What did I do to deserve you?
You monster
You demon
You deserve to go to the lowest level of hell
My dream is to escape from your deadly grasp
I so wish that I were able to fly away from your dungeon
I am embarrassed to live in the same house as you
To live on the same street
The same town
The same state
The same country
To call you my father
That is why I refuse to let anyone see my last name online
I would never keep my maiden name
You disgust me
Your face is the face of my nightmares
I flinch when you come my way while angry
I feel as though you will slap me
You laugh at all my fears
You make me feel as though I am a microscopic speck of dust floating in the atmosphere
How come you feel superior to everyone else?
That no one has had it as tough as you
What a load of crap
You have it easy
So easy
Too easy
You have no idea how hard others have it
You are privileged
You have so much
You don’t deserve half of it
Even though you may try to defeat me
You wont win
I will not give up so easily
I will overcome this suffering and hell that you have put me through for all these years
But I will thank you for one thing
Thank you for showing me exactly what I don’t want to do with my life
So congratulations
You have failed to create the monster that was expected to come from you
Instead, you have made me
Someone who will finally stand up to you
I will not be brainwashed to think that what you are is okay
Because I am too smart to think that anything that you do is okay
It is cruel and I will no longer be your prisoner
So thank you for being the role model I never needed
I would have been much better off if I hadn’t had to take your crap
No human being deserves this
And I definitely don’t deserve you

Alienated from this world,
It's as though I'm invisible.
Its like... I'm a ghost.

Perhaps I'm dead – or more like an undead.
Consciously breathing,
Yet unconsciously living.

Unachievable demands too plentiful
For bare shoulders (to bear).
Words carelessly strewn
Cuts into the soul
leaving a void.

Countless wanderings,
Trying to find a home.
Yet left stranded alone;
Always on the toe, ready to go.

I need a complimentary ticket
to depart from the mundane
to the destination – into the moment.

A face silhouetted by a computer screen
Electronic radiant light
Cast color ‘cross his face lean
Smiles in surrender’s might
Dismissing where the moral compass points
Wandering eyes see
Accompanying the computer is three joints
And a hidden key
Burning cherry, burning soul
Water starts to boil
Set another unachievable goal
Return to the soil
All the children committing fast food suicide
They love to eat sweets because it makes teeth cry

Deep within all of us lies an impeccable source of strength...a strength of which we are unaware and sometimes it takes an adverse and hopeless circumstance to draw it out....and once we discover it...we will realize that no goal is too big and no path is impossible...if we have the stomach for a fight and the will to learn and improve then virtually nothing is unachievable....Roger Federer winning his 18th slam at the age of 35 and Rafael Nadal winning his tenth French Open at age 31 is an inspiration to me...the fact that these legends did not give up and were ready to keep working and fight it out..has taught me one valuable lesson...even when you're going through a prolonged phase of failures never ever feel demotivated...keep your hopes up and believe in yourself...you will taste success again.