How I wish I could see myself
through your soft brown eyes.
See the virtue and constitution
that you love.
If I could see what you see,
dispel my insecurities.
I would have the strength
to carry this pain,
to change the world,
to keep you from all harm,
to love myself,
as much as I love you.

And
he
never
trusted
anyone
ever
again.
The end.



They'd call him paranoid, insecure, and controlling, but he was just drowning, suffocating, and afraid of the pain of losing everything, again and again and again, let down by those he cared for most. Lied to, played. Everytime he let someone in.
He'd always be the "bad guy" if it meant protecting his heart from that old abyss.
I guess people think they are entitled to being trusted. Go earn it.

I knew it
when the hugs felt different,
when the kisses got shorter,
nearly one sided,
when I felt the urge to ask
if everything was still the same,
and I could hear the lie in
every promise you'd make,
the affirmations were fake,
just two-faced,
our love was a noose you tied
for me.

These days are beautiful.
The nights follow suit.
Yet behind these still and silent eyes,
I am burning.
Hopelessly yearning
for rain to come,
to douse me,
to drown me.
Washing away
the violence in my head,
the fires fueled
by words unsaid.

She says she'll love me always
but her feelings don't last forever.
She likes me around on lonely days
till she finds someone better.
She's a user,
I'm a lover,
I'm a loser,
she wants another.
She tells me
I get too attached,
but when I want space
she feels attacked.

Can't speak,
or move my feet,
shift my gaze,
my vision a haze,
with ringing in my ears,
just standing here.
Though I wanted to be near
to you,
now I want to be anywhere
but this venue
Im not like you
I dont wear my darkmess well.

I keep leaving ruby petals
on sleeping eyes.
The delicate pieces of my heart
given away like souvenirs.
Memorabilia, a fragrant lingering memory of me.
I hope they bring you joy.
A reminder of how truly and deeply
one can love another.
It only saddens me
that hesitation now precedes passion.
As Im growing older, colder,
and farther from my roots.
Won't someone hold my rose heart together, thorns and all.

And why should I stay,
in a world where
I will only be given love
when it's bought
with assets and income
or by my ability
to work, protect, and die
for the women and children,
and thus fulfill my purpose,
because I am a man.
Why should I stay
where my life in itself
has no value?
I'd rather leave.

Tonight I missed you
so much I got into bed
as if trying not to disturb you
and stayed on the edge of the mattress because you love to spread out.
I close my eyes
let my heart slow
and rest at ease
I can almost feel the weight of you next to me.
Hear your breathing and
reply when you talk
in your sleep.
All wishful thinking
you're so far away from here
the bed is so empty
and I'm alone with my fears.
I wish you missed me
but you don't
and I hate these tears.

These four walls
will be the death of me.
Squeezing, constricting
til theres no more breath in me.
Overthinking, thoughts rebounding from the corners
like that screensaver.
Im so capable,
yet unable
to leave.
Frozen as the air outside.
Limbs pinned,
tied like Gulliver.
Guilt and sadness and regret
leak
from eyes
fixed open
unblinking in the dark.

I am a ghost
of Xmas past.
From carols and lights
to shouts and fights,
snowmen and gingerbread
to icy winds and a deathbed.
From family
and friends around
to solitude
and not a sound.

This time of year's just not the same.
Theres no more laughter
and no more games.
When loved ones have all moved away,
and I travel a thousand miles
to be alone on holidays.

Im no believer
theres no greater
reason for this day of cheer.
Yet my selfish sorrows can't compare
to my brother's, who is over there,
on the front lines
away from those most dear.

Locked up inside
deep in my mind.
They're out having fun,
I'm here feeling dumb,
Ive been going numb,
plan on dying young,
leaving life behind.
The sun is setting
my chance is gone
my turn is passed
my demons won.

You are all I want
Forever and always yours
Till death do us part

The brightest flames
burn you the worst,
leave you the coldest
when snuffed out.

So I'll go without warmth,
the sun, the moon,
and the stars.
Ill look away from her eyes.
Ill forget her touch.
I dont want to feel this
I dont want to bleed
on such a beautiful person.

And you knew
that it made my insides spill
when you'd do what you do
when you're lonely.
You knew it made me feel
like I was on fire,
mouth sewn shut.
You knew,
but your satisfaction
takes priority
over my security.
But I knew
that no one really cared
all along
anyway.

These days I feel every breath
and wonder at the thin red line
that keeps me alive.
Seperating this world
and the void.
And I'm in awe of the joy and the life
that surrounds me whilst inside
I'm fading.
This yearning to embrace
eternal sleep, is in my bones,
my very foundations.
Since I was very little,
Ive been waiting.

I rush my days
for moments with you,
for the feeling of peace,
of a dream,
where I have
all I'll ever need.

Im neglecting myself
for my time with you Love,
and I fear
that this is too good to be true
that you are mine
and I am yours too,
that if I look away
you'll dissapear.
So Im neglecting myself
for my time
with you Love.

The hollow and empty
"I love you's"
are poison,
are killing me
slowly.
Burning my empathy
and hope
to the ground
behind my eyes
without a sound
just ashes and ice
in my soul.

These days, I think
all I want,
all I am looking for is
someone who will sit with me
and listen to the songs
that perfectly voice
my every heartache,
struggle, failure, worry, and sorrow.
Read into the soundtrack
of my darkest moments;
look in my eyes,
see what's there,
and tell me
everything will be alright.

Some people are in pieces,
thats just the way they are now.
And sometimes,
each of those pieces
holds the love of a lifetime.
It is beautiful,
unfair, and heartbreaking
at times,
when the pieces are not held
by just one person.

So I carved your name on a candle,
mine upon another.
Tied twine betwixt our wicks
and set us alight.
Watched as all contact, connection,
link, and bond
was destroyed.
And the noose around our necks
broke.
And every trace of us burned from mind and memory.
Back to ash and dust.

These days
there isn't much I care about.
My mind is plagued
by constant doubt.
And all I want is to be found,
to be seen,
be heard
without making a sound.
She has been keeping me
on the ground
rather than beneath it.
Chasing peace,
passion,
zen,
balance, and stability.

As long as the conditions are met
she'll love only him.
While he can give
what she needs
he can stay.
He won't be
replaced.
But good men are a dime a dozen
and easy to attain.
Show an ounce of kindness
and we'll die for you.
And we die for you,
to be replaced
everyday.

And suddenly we weren't strangers
in a crowd.
Disregarding distance,
the miles mean nothing
if shes there
at the end of the road.
With kind eyes of hazel
even warmer than her name
and a voice that buckles my knees
she has a heart of gold.
And she doesnt need me.
Yet chooses to be
here.
No words
can do this feeling justice.
But shes a sunset on the beach,
A cold night sitting by the fire.
The light shining through the trees.
She's everything that inspires
me to be.

He took up arms
to protect those he loved.
He was poisoned by words,
and was never enough.
The loved ones cried
as they sold the mans grave
for likes online.
His suffering always paid.
While he was alive
they called him an animal
chained him with claims
to paint him a demon.
When they needed him
he was a credit to men.
When they were done
he was there to condemn.

He moved on
fast
faster
than he could have imagined
He only needed enough time
to mourn
the lost year,
effort, and
emotion.
To kick himself
for being in fear,
for being used.
Such a fool.
Betrayal was the end
of everything real.
When she's gone
she's gone.
When he's done
he's done.
No time to feel.

And now I keep my distance.
Unable to trust,
to believe I'm worthy of love,
that I am anyones only one.
All  faith in good intentions
was torn out
when you left.
I cant share my heart anymore,
with anyone.
It's ******
and scarred.

So congratulations
you broke something
deep inside me,
punched through flesh and bone
to pull the plug
on my world.
Left me drowning
in insecurity.
And now
I flinch at the kindest touch,
and laugh at sincerity.

Lately,
I keep having moments of mourning
the passing of the life I lived
of the boy full of masochism,
self-destructive determination,
ruled by pain
and fear.
In instances of stillness,
I close my eyes
and I'm back
on the bathroom floor
fading out once more.
I see the pain in her eyes
as I walk away,
again and again,
as I turn to stone.
Nostalgia fills my senses
but he is dead and gone
and I buried him deep.

And suddenly
this life had meaning,
there was reason
to suffer on,
to try and heal,
to be present
for the moments
of wholeness
when she is there.
My fingers
tangled in her hair.

These days, all my pieces
are being given away.
Making difficult decisions
obvious
just trying to stay
positive.
Change puts me on edge
anxiety and insecurities spread
engulfing me
I dont want to get out of bed.

An Oak growing without a sound,
loudly crashes, body broken,
roots rotten,
to the ground.

Let it all in.

Let it all out.

Let it all crash
as waves against the rocky shore.
Revel in the swash.
Exhale, as the surf slips back
to the sea.

This is life.
The breath.
This is suffering.
The ebb and flow.

And everything felt so fragile.
This glass house we built.
Like any change in circumstance
would shake the ground,
would bring everything
crashing down.
And I know
we all have a past,
but I wish I was in those photographs.
And Ive been betting it all
that we would last,
but I hear the darkness calling.

When I'm with her
I am who I love.
We are two sides of a coin,
dancing through the air,
twirling together.
A quirksome confidence and joy
in her smile.
Shy and genuine intrigue in mine.
Her laughter is sweeter than honey,
and I could listen to it forever.
Her eyes are kind,
knowing,
mischievous,
sparkling.
Shes a work of art
a masterpiece.
I hope she knows.

Ive been trying to talk to you
but you sleep deep
so I'm alone tonight
with my restlessness
and anxiety
ridden brain
that has me scared to wake you
though youre pressed to my frame.
I'm so so afraid of the weight
of these thoughts on my mind
it feels as though time is just
slipping by.
I feel as if
control of my life isn't mine.
I wish that we could just
leave this whole world behind
and live wonder by wonder
not trapped by the vices we're under
not walking on eggshells,
stepping quietly,
while the world around
is all thunder.

Because the day will come
where they come for you
and all you love.
They better pray to their god,
and beseech their idols of control,
that they are as dangerous as I.

I have come to find
when I deviate
from my muse of melancholy
I revile my work
more and more.
Perhaps because, inside,
the darkness and emptiness
is a part of every part of me.
And pretending,
is not in my nature.

And even after everything
he confessed,
his story told,
his weakness laid bare,
salt was poured in the wounds
again and again.
The gasoline on his heart
was set to a match.
Stones dropped
in the pit of his stomach.
His mouth sewn shut.
His anxiety
an iron maiden.

I hope your delusions
help you
to sleep at night.

It feels
like it did then.
Like they're
tired of me again.
Done with dealing
with the ghosts
that haunt me.
The moments
that left me just a little
too broken
on the inside
to ever be how I was.
Tired of a man
expressing his emotions
like they want
but not how they like.
Tired of my
flaws.
Im not perfect,
and they deserve
perfect.

So Ill take my eighty proof medicine
shot after shot
until the pain inside stops,
until the memories all fade,
until my ears cease ringing
with the silence
of this empty room.
Until this heart halts.

Stay.
I want you with me always,
on every breath I count.
Your touch
never leaves, like the tattoos
on my skin.
Everything you are
lingers in my mind
in my very self.
Leaving your side
is losing a limb, a part of me,
the heart of me.
I know
I'm too cliche,
but all I want in this frigid world is to stay
with you.

These days, being an old soul
just means I hate being sober.
Bottles full of  tears  numb the pain and I'm colder
than ever.
Memories only seem to get heavier
as the nights grow longer
I wish I was strong
enough.

To my best friend,
To my idol,
To my mentor,
To my brother,
I forgive you.
Our adolescent cruelty
is in the past.
Your remorse oozes from you,
The room is almost still
but for you
quaking shoulders and tears like mine
sliding down.
And I want you to know,
from the depths of my heart,
that you broke me down
and pushed me
over a ledge.
But the pain and despair I drowned in,
taught me to swim.
An unintended gauntlet,
that was my childhood.
What you did
taught me how not to treat my family
taught me determination
integrity,
honor, and
showed me how hard I was to ****.
So dont cry,
cause I forgive you,
big brother.

My circumstance destroys everything.
I build,
and I build knowing
that all will be left
unfinished, deserted, ruined,
a ghost, a photograph.
And all that is assured is the anguish
of what could have been,
what was,
and what cant be.
Each time Im reminded
of all my faults, my mistakes,
the choice that I made,
to be here,
and not there,
not with her,
and it hurts.
Leaves me empty
and questioning
why I even try
to build happiness
anymore.