Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
Jessie Jan 2014
It was all without
For what of us
Do ***** on the hour
She drunk as liquor
He like toast
Written with the few leftover refrigerator magnets in my friend's room. Proud of it, considering there were only these with some six other words left.
Olivia Jun 2013
There was once a girl named indigo //
And there was a Christmas tree she wanted to chop down
She possessed all the tools to complete this task
She received a saw for chopping the wood
She picked up the saw and got on her knees
But then something peculiar happened //
Something so ******* strange yet entrancing at the same time
// The tree
began to grow backwards into the ground
the roots became a seed
and life became counter clockwise
counter clockwise of insanity and greed
Bluejays swum while cod fish flew
Her world got kicked over by the bully from school
She wanted to shoot everything because nothing made sense any more
More than anything she just wanted to be
But the subliminal messages she couldn’t read
While supercritical people just watched her bleed
The alphabet no longer went from A to Z
/and there was no such things as vowels//
without vowels she couldn’t write poetry
and without poetry she had no oxygen
her world was no more
it was all in code
it was so ****** up it was like watching the liveliness come out of her father’s throat
Oh wait, I didn’t tell you
Indigo watched the liveliness come out of her father’s throat//
Indigo became a synonym for insanity
the tornado spit her out like a beautiful waterfall
instead of ******* her in//
all she could do is fall //
but//
she can’t breathe
and she’s being compressed
she can’t see
she’s understanding less
she’s trying to act what society classifies as normal
but it is a useless approach
she is climbing in gym class, but without a rope
yet the rope is a noose
She is over analyzing herself into a hiatus space
Where it’s not actually hiatus but filled with chaotic mace
The mace is getting sprayed in her retinas
But she can’t see anything
Regretin the
Upside down world she created
Life stuck in reverse not tolerated
Revolving in ways that make her isolated//
But maybe if she stopped//
Stopped
Separating the separated
Decided to educate the educated
And learn to not under estimate the estimated
Then she too could feel that feeling again
but
Indigo can’t feel
And
She says
Hit me
Punch me
Kick me
Shoot me
Just do whatever you can to make me feel
Feel this feelingless life so I can begin heal
She wakes up and opens her eyes and now she is blind
The chaos has turned her heart into a mind
And mind into the heart
Where brain waves pump blood instead of intellectual parts
And her car won’t stop going in reverse but she is still pushing it forward to start
But it’s stuck
She’s stuck
Help indigo she’s stuck
All I want is for indigo is to be what she is:
a deep captivating blue
and I want her to captivate the blue
like the ocean captivates the white part of the waves//
the part that crashes the hardest at mid day
and I want the wave to push her over
PUSH ME OVER WAVE
HIT ME
PUNCH ME
KICK ME
SHOOT ME
MAKE ME FEEL AGAIN
MAKE ME THE CAPTIVATING BLUE
FORCE ME-TO-CAPTIVATE-THAT-BLUE
AND MAYBE MY BRAIN WILL TURN BACK INTO MY BRAIN
AND MY HEART WILL TURN BACK INTO A HEART
WHERE IT DOES PUMP BLOOD INSTEAD OF INTELLECTUAL PARTS
AND I’LL LEARN TO READ THE SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES PEOPLE SAID TO ME
AND I’LL EVEN APPRECIATE WHEN I BLEED
EVEN IF SUPERCRITICAL PEOPLE WERE THE CAUSE OF IT AND NOT ME
And I’ll learn to breath, I’ll learn to breathe, and I’ll learn all over again because
After all, all Indigo was, was one thing:
A deep captivating blue.
Gianna Iman Mar 2014
Falling off the clouds of love I feel nothing
It was like I saw it coming
Gravity pulled me toward the cold realization that I was wrong
Pulled me to realize I should never believe the tongue
Gradually falling through the atmosphere filled with pain
My heart shrivels with regret, it drowns in the rain
a dried up raisin crumbling to dirt
leaving a black hole where there's nothing but hurt
the chilled, ghostly air of  my past whirls inside letting depressing thoughts fester
they let out a cry
inviting a home for dark emotions to be
and this is where I realized he never loved me
Mi casa su casa but my heart has no home
He never tried to comfort me so I was left alone a storm strikes me down
and I don't make a sound
my love lost in him and I, never found
Jill Aug 2024
Pour me another, to recess we go,
Tender the whiskey or beer in my hand
Feelingless furlough with barleycorn glow

Hazard as high as perception is low
Don’t tell my mother, she won’t understand
Pour me another, to recess we go

Scars are clothes-covered and flesh wounds don’t show
Hide all my bruises, pretend that I’m grand
Feelingless furlough with barleycorn glow

Don’t call my mother, she won’t want to know
More to these feelings than she would have planned
Pour me another, to recess we go

Call the Mourne Mountains, and rosin the bow
Rattle the bog and the black velvet band
Pour me another, to recess we go

Don’t tell my mother, she still doesn't know
Sentiment-soaked more than she could withstand
Pour me another, to recess we go,
Feelingless furlough with barleycorn glow
©2024
raw with love May 2014
If there’s Heaven and there’s Hell,
show me where I belong.
And if my place is not in either,
help me burn them down.*

I.
I don’t know where we’re going or what we are
or who we are and I don’t know the right questions to
ask; and even if I knew I wouldn’t know the answers
and I wouldn’t know anyone who could actually provide
an explanation for why it is all like it is. I am insane
and maybe you too are and we stand on shores but  
my shore is not your shore and is there even water
on these shores and why am I drowning. I think
I’m underwater and maybe we all feel like we’re dying
or like we’re already dead. I just understand that
learning how to swim and how to breathe and how
to live are the things my parents did not teach me
and all I feel is salty air but my lungs are decrepit
and how do I take a breath when the air is full of poison –
the one you’re emitting and the one I’m emitting,
and aren’t we all just so toxic?
So I’m knee-deep into water but I cannot force
my lungs to work, and I’m waist-deep into water
but they still don’t work; and now my body is
feelingless and floating and I don’t know
how to live. Do you? Does any of us?
So we just let go there on the shore;
it’s sanity and it’s stability and it’s safety all gone.
I knew all the answers but then I grew up
and so did you.
We were metaphors and the world spun around
so now we are just malaphors and we’re ****** up.
How do I explain to you, to anyone that I am drowning
even when I can swim and that I am dead, my eyes
reflect the light; they do not shine, I have a pulse,
I breathe but I’m so not alive
and I am drowning ashore, I am away from the water
and still underneath waves that crush my fragile skeleton
and make me crumble to dust.
I used to be a metaphor but I’m a malaphor now
and I will burn that bridge when I get to it.
That is, if I haven’t yet drowned.

II.
I lie on the floor and boards are creaking and what is
wrong with me and with us and with everyone.
The dog is howling and there’s a silent cat but he’s
not chasing her and she is tired of chasing mice so she
just wants to die but the dog cannot bite and I keep lying
with snakes wrapped around my limbs and I am poison
and I ache. When did friendships become all about lies
and deceit and manipulation? When did I lose myself
in the world of masks? When did it all become about
sexsexsexSEX? Why is it all about who ***** whom
and why do we all want to die? When did we realise
that suicide is a way and how did we find out?
I hear noises and I drown in music and I scream
until my throat hurts and my lungs ache and I
keep thinking WHEN DID I DIE and why
is there no God, I need redemption and don’t we
all crave to be forgiven? I cut, you cut, we cut,
it’s not grammar, it’s life, we don’t do it for attention,
they all cut and we all cut, don’t we, with rusty little
blades ripping ourselves open, letting the pain flow
like red rivers on the floor and we think it’s okay
to carry our scars not like badges and medals of honour
but like shameful reminders of how useless and
worthless we are, and we cut hipbones and thighs
and we cut between ribs and we scratch and bleed
and drown in pure, unbound hatred that comes
straight from our vicious poisoned hearts
and we cut where it can’t be seen because just too many
questions that we’re not willing to face. And we all
write poems about how we want to slit out veins
open, how we want to slay our wrists and crumble and
diedieDIEDIEDE. Why do we want to die, why are we
the ****** up generation who thinks about ****** and solecisms
half of the time and death and virginity and self-hatred and
how our lives mean absolutely nothing?
When did we grow up and become so bitter
and when did our time in the bath become the time when
we want to drown and trains were fun once but now we
want to jump in front of one and trees are not where we
play but where we want to hang ourselves and we
want to jump from cliffs and all we want to do
is **** and die and die and ****, and we were kids
but now we’re not and we’re not adults so who are we?
We’re **** victims, we’re names crossed out, we’re
eulogies and pills and death notes and we want to be
over, why and when and how did the world
**** us up?
We’re caffeine-driven and we do drugs and we’re
all addicted to sadness and addicted to death and addicted to
hatred and we mostly hate us.
We starve ourselves until we can’t stand upright, we starve
until we can see the outlines of our cages and still think
it is not enough, or we eat and we purge and why did we
decide that we wanted to die?
Because we do. I used to be a metaphor
but I’m a malaphor nowand I will burn that bridge when I get to it.
That is, if I haven’t yet drowned.



III.
I want to hold your hand, just hold it and feel you with me
wrapped around and safe and home. I want to kiss your
lips and bite your neck and drown in your eyes,
I want us to **** and make sweet love and sing and
smoke and get drunk, I want us to roll on the floor
laughing and find ourselves on our backs with the wooden
boards underneath us and tears in our eyes, but from happiness
and not this constant sadness, I want love to mean something,
I want to be yours and you to be mine, regardless of gender,
regardless of age, love must be love.
I want us to eat ice cream and pizza and junk food
or healthy food or any food and not be judged and I
want us to live and to love and I want us to
look in the mirror and face our reflections and not
hate what we see, and this is it, this is us.
Do me do me do me, let me be your drug,
get high with me, get high on me, we’re greatness,
we’re power, we’re supreme. We can will it away,
we are who we wish to become, we rise and reign, we
shine and we are stars, we’re supernovas we bring down
kingdoms and we crown ourselves with thorns and twigs,
we’re rulers of ruins and ashes, we burn down temples, we
want to be the best but we think we’re the worst so we
just fake it, fake it all but we are all just galaxies with
potential that is not yet unleashed, we can burn bright if
we only learn how to, we need to learn how to live without
willing to die; we need to learn how to love ourselves first
before we love others and we need to stop hating
and we have scars that might never heal again but can’t we
just accept plain truths and bandage ourselves and move on?
But we some cigarettes and we breathe out the smoke or
we just keep it in our lungs until we burn and until we fall
apart and we’re just snowflakes that have turned to dust,
and we’re ashes that burn holes on the tips of others’
tongues, oh how I wish we could live without burning
scars, without causing pain, without withering away,
without crumbling, why can’t we, why do we all
so desperately want to die and drown and **** and die?
I used to be a metaphor but I’m a malaphor now
and I will burn that bridge when I get to it.
Oh how I wish I could love you and know you
would love me back but our world is so ****** up
and all we can ever do is leave gaping holes and
smoking wounds and salty tears and new ideas
how to die. Let’s change the world, or maybe not,
let’s just find meaning, or at least can we please
forever ever bring down Heaven and Hell
and learn to accept who we are. I used to be a metaphor
but I’m a malaphor now and I will burn that bridge when I get to it.
But then I’ll rebuild it and maybe this time
I will never ever drown.
And I will teach myself to swim and breathe
and live and love, I want to be a metaphor
one more simple and no longer lonely time.
i don't even know
S Bharat May 2019
So Called Friends

So called friends
are
frank
As the feelingless words
They always use
and
prank.

Friendship with me
They
end
As mine are emotive words
And in them
I cannot
blend.

S. Bharat
Devon Baker Oct 2011
It’s that of losing sensory touch,
my every emotional synthetic lost beneath this skin.
Plastic or that of parchment flesh,
feelings no longer flow and flex beneath,
the electrical current died mid dance,
all is hollow,
no outer force relieves my eternal,
this faceless numbness,
the only emotion that leaves a sting,
cinges my cadaver nerves
is the flame of frustration,
the itch of anger and irritation.
I find it much more playful
than the spineless dolls of dorment feeling,
it’s the only one that gives me a response,
the latter are that of loosely tangible
lost to that of my feelingless far spaces
of the brain for later use and development,
for now all is lukewarm,
so muffled in psychopathic,
isolation carves the human out of me,
leaves nacked nerves sensitive only to that of the burn,
i’m best left dead when alone,
i’m more than half way there.
SMP Oct 2012
I'm light, hapy, feelingless and free.
I am without your simple needs, healthy.
I am content.
But sometimes?
Sometimes I'm reminded you exist
And a bit if your pain comes back.
I want to scream and yell and cry
But its barely an inkling of a need,
Not enough to cause any true purging.
I hate you for making me feel this, tormenting me.
You didn't care you broke my heart,
Made me cry so many times.
You didn't care that no matter how many times I tried you ignored my friendship,
You brushed it off when I mentioned it.
You dont care,
You never did.

But you know what else?
You don't know what you missed.
Kitty Jun 2019
And while I sit there,
Don't know why I care,
It burns me down
But I will not cry!
~May the words always be by your side!~
Lye Apr 2020
She’s numb
Looking for something, anything
To make her feel something.
Every day feels the same,
There’s no variety,
No excitement,
She’s just living for the day she will finally feel alive again.
Or maybe just living for the day that she won’t live anymore.
Either way, she lives.
She lives for her family,
She lives for her friends,
She lives so that others will too.
She lives.
I really hope she lives.

This means nothing to her anymore,
This waking up,
Eating,
Sleeping,
And repeating.
It’s all just an instinct for her
It no longer feels like each day is new.
It no longer feels like she can live her life to the fullest.
It no longer feels like she can really be truly happy.
It feels like nothingness
There is nothing for her here

She no longer cries
For it does nothing but make her feel worse
She feels less anxious because what’s the point in thinking about things
Nothing is real if you think about it
Your brain is just playing a realistic game
A game of survival
A game of love and loss
The game of life is tough because nobody ever wins.
Infamous one Feb 2013
Love and lust seen as the same
Who do you trust
Use and abuse one another
Unfaithful to each other
No love just a love
Only emotions through the covers
Truth is none of it's real
Departed shared the feelingless Heart
Ian J Caldwell Apr 2016
I've become it......the feeling that has no feel.
No description of this feeling, the manual did not say.
The instructions aren't here, Ive checked it a million times.
Please don't let this be the moment where I wrecked it because I didn't expect this.  

A word that relates to nothing that cannot be elaborated.
This does explain the jumbled mess of thoughts in my mind, thoughts filled with the death and Devine.
Everything is nothing and nothing is everything, no feeling, no reeling the mind.

Devoid of emotion from the subconscious.
Devoid of emotion, my heart does not feel you, can't stop this.
Devoid of emotion from a twisted mind that isn't thoughtless, I haven't got this.
Devoid of emotion, please God won't you just stop this?

I've forgot less that's not a mess **** it I digress into my mind deeper than lochness.
The screams that keep dreams flowing through streams like smooth cream into my coffee darkly beam.
Have I made sense to you yet of my emotion filled regret that hovers over my covers and spills from my mind?
Maybe I haven't gotten that far yet...

The eyes grow weary of a feelingless feeling, cascading how this happened through my mind, my ceiling.
The body has been here before, when a fall to my pillows is all I want in store.
Couldn't eat today though I never felt hunger, I tried but it just wouldn't stay and that's the most I've felt all day.
The day grew long but clearly I have no theory to what brought about a feel with no feeling.

Desensitized from my eyes.
Desensitized from my lies.
Desensitized in every sense of the word.
Desensitized, numb....

.......it's not what I deserve.....


                      Numb.
Deeba Aug 2014
The dream world built with pack of cards,
Stood always strong with the blessings of lord;

The wind of reality was never to touch,
So strong was the emotional clutch;

Love and faith played hide and seek,
Trying to reach a relation at mountain peak;

The eyes closed with full of dreams,
Never cared to wake up with clues of light beam;

The fairy land lying below the feet,
Started to feel the tremors of reality heat;

The cracks begotten by the tremors,
Let thee to have feelingless quivers;

The heaviness in the air was so strong,
that thou were found in the arms of wrong;

Eyes left wide open with sour and paleness,
Reaching the state of lifeless staleness;

The sea of tears dried up,
Leaving behind the salty death cup;

Before the eyes wake up from the dream,
A divine helping hand showed the path of river stream;

To purify self from the shadows of guilt,
And raise as a new soul rebuilt;

Finding the path between dream world and real world,
the search is on to reach the glory unfurled;

Keeping the packs of cards intact,
the dream world of cards is still on for the soul to reenact.
Kassel D Mar 2013
absent and diminishing
i cannot tell if i am feelingless
or just feeling less
than my previous state
© 2013
Overwhelmed Dec 2010
the bomb siren
going off
makes my heart sink
and sends my mind into
panic

my eyes search for the nearest exit
my legs and arms scramble to the door
my ears are tortured by that wailing doom

the wind blows southward
I smell flowers on the breeze
skies are blue and cloudless
there in the distance I can see

I close my eyes then
waiting for…
just waiting.

seconds, minutes, hours,
days were all the same

breathes of animals mixed
with the sighs of the trees
and the world was silent
and blind and feelingless

so long
so long it felt
my eyes and ears and
body shut down waiting

that when it didn’t come
I was not the same man
I had died and yet not died

I cannot pick my heart back up
my mind is always jumping at
the slightest surprises
this will not go on

I just can't
Em Oct 2013
Some days I can be strong, some days I can be weak.
Most days I forget how to feel altogether.
I'm just trying to find a way to get better.
I want to feel, something.
Anything.
Anything would be better than this.. this
Numbness.
This feeling of being feelingless.
Emotionless.
Empty.
I want to be strong for you.
But it never ends up being true.
I'm not strong. I can't carry on,
Not without you.
Nêijî Dec 2018
.
Is there such thing
as feelingless?
If yes,
where can I have one?
MS Lim Apr 2016
This is the age of tragedy
we are drowned
in the sea of technology-

nothing matters now--only
devices, gadgets, machines, contraptions
that claim: 'We'll make you happy'

This is the age of tragedy
blown over a thousand times Orwellian prophecy
none is free--everyone is subject to the minutest scrutiny

We regard ourselves smart--or supposedly-
but prostrate before that highest authority
faceless, feelingless,  mute,  the ubiquitous and iniquitous LED

This is our self-afflicted tragedy
in our proclamation: ' Progress, progress at any cost'--
we have lost our entire humanity

When you are in tears and your heart is heavy
help is on hand, you won't be lonely
just flick the switch,  browse over Wiki.
Em Jul 2013
I feel like I'm jumping off a cliff
   And no one's there to catch me.
      Everywhere I look you're all I see.
         I can't feel anything; nothing at all.
           Feelingless.
              Emotionless.
                 Numb.
                    You say you love me;
                        But, you don't show it.
                          You say you care;
                             But, I don't know it.
                                I could leave and no one would notice.
                                   Why do I have to feel this way?
                                       Can't I just be okay?
                                             I'm f
                                                     a
                                                        l
     ­                                                     l
          ­                                                  i
                                                              n
                                                                ­g,
                                                              ­        f
                                                       ­             a
                                                  ­                     l
                                                              ­            l
                                                   ­                         i
                                                                ­             n
                                                                ­                g,
                                              ­                                          falling fast,
                                                                ­                          falling hard.

                                                          ­                                                          
                                                                ­                                                    

                                                               ­                                                       Someone notice before it's too late.
Written on 5.9.13
Without sender Mar 2017
Colorless sky,
     Greenless trees,
     Lifeless flowers;

No fragrant wind,
     No salty sea,
     No fresh rain;

Tasteless vanilla,
      Sourless lemons,
      Sweetless cheesecake;

No loud rock,
      No soothing violin,
      No smooth jazz;

Feelingless touch,
      Softless kiss,
      Tenderless hug.
Gods1son Apr 2019
Bullets from a steel
Turning living bodies still
The max a killer gets is life behind bars
Or in some places, the chair
But none of those
will bring a lost life back

Why do we have humans
with their human feelings
disposed in the landfill?
Anwer Ghani Aug 2020
The love that the tumultuous lover failed to create is the cause of all this hot flux, perhaps he should revise his tune. What we see in his promises is just glamor. I always told him to break free from tumultuous love. I told him that evening, and I was very serious; messing with bright promises is frightening. In fact, he knew that his tumultuous love made him a weightless ghost. It's now motionless and feelingless, and you can imagine what the bustle would be without the flavor of excitement. Yes, you can imagine that; It's really a strange thing.
MBishop Mar 2016
Here we are again, lights off on your bed
And I'm convinced there's nothing more
meaningless than words strung together
They don't make any sense
Here we are again with your hands around my neck
And I'm content to let you go feelingless
like words strung together
They don't make any sense

But there's a difference between loving something useless and letting its
uselessness be what you love
It's dark in these rooms, but between me and you
I'd rather never leave any one
Because even though I cannot see, I've never felt more at home
Than when I cannot breathe
And when I am not shown
the things that can make me bleed, I'd rather
Cut up my throne
I'd rather be all alone

Here we are again, killing with a deadly pen
And I'm offended you thought I'd be reading this
Your words are strung together
They don't make any sense
Here you are my friend, a free man's head
But I confess, it's not the bearer of solace
His head is strung together
He does not make sense

~

Here we are again, we seem to start at the end
And I must digress, the blood on the wall is not red
The words are strung together
They don't make any sense
So once more my friend, I really do regret
But I won't forget the fateful story that begins in bed
The words are strung together
They will never make sense
2.26.16
Audrie Zavala Jun 2016
I’m at a lost. I’m at a crossroad
My head about to explode
My heart being twisted
Feelings and emotions- Sadistic
You to me – Addicted
I’m twisted. I’m conflicted
In love with a man I can’t be with
Love plays so many games - its Wicked
*** without feeling - meaningless
But a world without you – Feelingless
If you ever thought otherwise – one word Silliness
Never had to hide a thing from you
Every word I spoke is true
Wish I can bid adieu to the ensue
If I do I’ll be filled with blues
I’m torn. I’m confused
Lost in a maze, in a haze with you
My feelings I’ve expressed,
Yet now I have repressed
But no matter what I’m Blessed
With your sweet touch and caress
Somehow you relive my stress.
Without you, I’d have to cope
Take a **** and let it soak
If none of that works ill resort to coke.
But I know I won’t
I’m at a lost. I’m at a crossroad
My head bout to explode
My heart being twisted
Feeling and Emotions - Sadistic
You to me – My ADDICTION
angel heady Jul 2015
Its the kind of love that makes you think he's the only one for you and his feelings are real and sincere.  While he keeps you blinded by his lies and broken promises of a happy future together.
While the world watches you change slowly into a cold feelingless creature. Never seeing the light of truth and real love again.  Always living in the shadow of love and leaving you in fear of being loved by anyone else.
Making you to become a monster by playing the same games and leaving a trail of tears and lies that were being feed to you.  Never wanting to find true love.  Just keeping all the pain and hurt deep down inside.
knowing that praying for help to save your life is useless because no ones listening.  You shut out everyone that cared about you for the vampire love. Now your looking at the future and all you see is nothing but pain and agony.
There is a monster that causes disease to ones heart.
Fame is a drug that slowly kills you
One dosage brings the fuel the monster needs to make it's start.
Family is forgotten and changed to your status crew.
Although you are wanted by many
You are surrounded by the feelingless few.
After the high ends and the moments start to become more empty
Your heart becomes harder to satisfy
So you shall need more thrills and this drug called "plenty."
Your mind wanders to the past and you start to wonder where your true self did go
Now the curtain rises
Time for another show.
dixie krause Dec 2016
they observed the world
like it was to end tomorrow.
from people
to plants
to kittens roaming the streets
to them.
them: feelingless boys.
boys of no observing nature..
passing by like unwanted pulp.
whispering about them like no end
only to have another observe them.
May Asher Aug 2016
held onto your hands,
When you faltered,
Even though they were,
Only dust and fire,
And let you singe,
An abyss through my broken veins.

You left me there,
Bleeding under a lamppost,
When I stared up into its pale light,
And wondered if I have enough pain,
To flow it through tears because,
Even though you left me, I couldn't cry.

Instead I scream into the stillness,
of this never ending moment,
Speak words that,
No one knows anymore,
In concrete whispers,
That unravels into a broken stutter.

I'll drown into depths of something,
That is unknown to me,
Just to feel the terror,
Because since the fall,
I haven't felt anything,
It scares me to think I'm feelingless.

Because it's the dead,
Who don't feel anything,
Because their nerves disintegrate,
Like brittle prices of art scattered on tiled floor,
And their hearts are meshed into sand,
And they can't return, can't live,

It scares me that they can't breathe,
But I'll touch them through thoughts,
And my obliterated wishful thinking,
I'll touch them through my memories,
It's nothing but illusions that seem real,
I'll have to remind myself, I'm still alive.

I might not see next sunrise,
This unsettling unsureness,
Tingling my fingertips,
In nervous floods and
Chaotic landslides,
Forever potent in my blood.

But at last I've learned to live every moment,
Because I can dance in arms of sunlight,
When they're saying  she's dancing alone,
They're saying she's insane,
Because I laugh at sky because it's raining,
I can hear the thunder telling me, that I seem alive.

I'll touch the rainbow through,
My color-splattered canvas,
I could hold a fluorescent star,
And can you see?
I can break the stars,
From that infinite blue sky.

I can empty my memories into an ocean,
And see them sifting through sand,
Drifting in high tides and undecided waves,
See, your memory is among those too,
It's time I turn away and never turn back,
I know this because the moon told me.

I calculate their smiles for confused looks,
When they tell me I've gone crazy,
I can tell them I live more than they ever have.
They don't know what is living,
Every moment like it's the last one.
I know, because I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive.
SABUR May 2019
Way
Why thought this?
I am floating in daily lush.
I see the dream.
No more dawn anymore,
And I can't really do it.
The other world is dragging.
The lush is the only way.
Who knows
That's not the rain.
Eyesight thirst
That is the pain which feels in the breath.
Why is thirsty next to the spring?
Fire companion, why not burn?
I understand,
Sleep is blind?
Where the interest is!
I do not know, maybe selfish!
I can't do this anymore .
Hope-chillum now with me!
Wash again!
Silence!be silence.
Far from here!it's seems,
Feelingless beauty.
Searching way,
Money Showers

Money is only green and graphical papers

Notes promising access to the Link to gold as it sits in the greedy bank vaults

Aging and smelling of rotting molding vapors..
Money never buys love.

Money never feeds the hunger

Nothing if such lands to pleasantry in Physical desires, sexually hunger satisfaction, or other expensive just defined extasies
it cannot buy friends

Until those who crave for it

End up looking like hungry vampires

Only seeking Another to feed on them until their end.

Money cuts like a knif

And ruins lives like evil

Except we need something this cold and feelingless

Until we have to need what you really don’t want

And bleed to need what we are afraid of becoming

Metamorphosis into the decident rich few

Who only value what is owned by the elite few.
If balance could be made 
And souls could be spared from the dollar’s pain

I’d throw  all my riches, if I won or obtained them,
All over the world like rains.

So all could rinse poverty, pain, and the politics of crime away.

So all could smile

As the world would be at peace that day.
Dr Peter Lim Jul 2018
But my religion
bears no name
it's the sum-total
of what I am

never in public view
none's there to judge
me in my nakedness
nor my reputation to smudge

do I dwell
in the light
or covered with
the blackness of night?

do I need
to supplicate
plead for things
to celebrate?

I stumbled
and I fell
my struggles
none could tell

face-to-face
as confronted
in the mirror
am I comforted

or do I choose
that image to change
as it's not what I expected
alien, cold, feelingless and strange?

life stays apart
it takes no side
religion is that
which I create inside.
ALI Mar 7
In this world we live in, everything seems muddled, as if we’re floating in a sea of digital chaos. We see only shadows of ourselves, dancing on endless screens, trying to grasp an idea, a feeling, or even meaning. But what if these shadows are all we know of ourselves?

We are now in a state of constant consumption—not just material, but intellectual and cultural too. We feed on algorithms that claim to know us, that pretend to draw closer while drifting further away. They create a parallel reality we don’t know how to escape, a reality that shapes our desires and thoughts as if imposed on us.

Have you ever felt like you’re not you? That the persona you think you inhabit is just a reflection of everything you’ve consumed? Our identities are built from our experiences, but what if those experiences are counterfeit? Repetitive, lacking real distinction. We live the same moments, are influenced by the same things—but have we truly changed? Or are we just distorted copies of one another?

Life in this age has become a labyrinth, deeper and deeper, yet endless. We chase ideas, hunt desires, and with every step, sink further into this digital vortex. Are we the ones creating these desires, or are algorithms planting them in us, tailoring them to our metrics?

Sometimes I wonder: Are my thoughts truly mine? Or are they just echoes borrowed from this digital age? Do I love the color black because it reflects a part of me, or is it merely one of the hues these networks have stolen from me?

Am I a musician, or just an image of someone battling these crashing waves of “content”? Are we following our passions, or just trying to be part of the show—part of this unending game in an era accelerating unnaturally?

When I reflect on all this, I feel like a stranger to myself. I search for myself in everything, yet find only shadows. The harder I try to be my best, the further I drift. Does this mean I’m not who I think I am? Are the personas I inhabit what make me me? Or do I exist only at the heart of this chaos?

The Psychological Struggle Between Desire and Algorithms
In the realm of social media, where our preferences and inclinations are dictated by what algorithms deem most engaging, the urgent question becomes: Am I truly choosing what I love, or are these platforms choosing for me? The more I scroll through Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, the more I feel I’m not where I want to be. Algorithms relentlessly push me toward trending images, videos, and campaigns, drowning me in a whirlwind of visuals I must follow to belong to this digital world.

But are these desires arising within me truly mine? Or am I just adopting what these algorithms impose on my mind? Every time I hit “like” or share content, I’m nagged by the uneasy sense that I’m not shaping my choices as I once believed. With every new trend, my mind begins to think differently. Do I actually love this type of music, fashion, or even the ideas spreading online? Or have I just been swayed by what these apps bombard me with—content that mirrors what everyone else assumes I should like?

Over time, the line between “me” and what’s imposed by algorithms fades. I ask: Am I the person I chose to be, or just a replica of everything these platforms have planted in my mind? Does what I share with the world reflect my true self, or am I performing a role that fits the image they’ve forced on me?

Here lies the internal conflict. Part of me feels it follows its own inclinations, while another knows these inclinations aren’t necessarily authentic. These struggles grow sharper at the crossroads between what I want to be and what algorithms want for me. In the end, will I find the courage to break free from these digital molds and choose my own path? Or will I remain trapped in the game of images and interactions controlled by algorithms until they define me?

But what if these algorithms reflect my deepest desires? Can I distinguish what’s real to me from what’s merely a reaction to the external world? And could my urge to follow trends be a genuine desire, or just compliance with what’s in front of me?

If I’m following what others impose, am I losing myself? Or am I adapting to the world I live in—is this simply how I’m meant to be? Sometimes, I feel stuck in a maze of contradictory choices: Should I abandon these consuming apps? Or must I stay because the world can’t function without these spaces? Can I truly be “me” here, or am I fundamentally just a digital avatar?

Why do I constantly compare myself to others? Is it genuine need, or have algorithms learned to fuel this impulse? Why has every moment, every thought, become a competition, a race against time, something I must showcase to the world?

Occasionally, moments of clarity strike—I feel I’ve found the way—but in the next breath, conflicting thoughts creep back: Am I just adopting what’s popular, or simply choosing what suits me in the moment? Are these real thoughts, or echoes of what I’ve been told? Do I need external pressure to exist? Am I independent, or forced into this vortex?

At every corner of this digital world, new ideas, choices, and doubts loom. Is this truly my life, or am I just a spectator in an endless show I can’t escape? Can I be real in a world of prefabricated choices, or am I a puppet in the hands of algorithms shaping me to their will?

As I keep interacting with these platforms, questions multiply: What if I stopped posting? What if I set my phone aside? Would I feel relief, or emptiness, because I’ve become inseparable from this digital entity feeding on notifications and endless engagement?

Every choice spawns new questions. Every step toward an answer spirals me into futility. Am I me? Or a reflection of what’s shown to me? How do I separate the real from the imposed?

So many questions. A headache. Unbearable complexity. Am I truly me?

Imposter Syndrome and the Shattering of Identity
This turmoil isn’t just a clash between self and others—it’s a reflection of an ancient syndrome called “imposter syndrome.” It makes us doubt our worth at every turn, convincing us we don’t deserve our achievements, that we’re mere dolls moving to society’s imposed standards.

But it doesn’t end there. This self-doubt drowns in far greater chaos. Every moment of life becomes a question: Do we deserve what we have? Is this truly our life, or are we just playing a role the world assigned us? Where did this conviction come from—that we have no right to be as we wish? Don’t we see that, in the end, we wear masks? Our celebrations, joys, even failures—all governed by others’ expectations.

Now, blame isn’t directed inward alone, but at the world that bred this tension. We’ve trapped ourselves in cycles of failure and insignificance—not because we’re incapable, but because we were raised to believe success lies in mimicking others. What sets us apart if we’re just repeating the crowd? Society planted the idea that success requires conformity, and when we deviate, we feel excluded. But was this our choice? Or an external imposition?

**** the world! Let it shatter these stereotypes that cage us. Let it demolish the ideas that imprisoned us. For in the end, the world endlessly reinforces the image we should embody, while the truth is we’re all living a delusion, mistaking what we see for reality, when we’re victims of algorithms tethering us to alien beliefs. We need immense courage to break free from this grating repetition, to rebel against ready-made molds—because, ultimately, we lack true freedom of choice in a world that dictates everything.

Society forces us to be “imposters” every second, wearing masks to convince ourselves and others we belong, when in truth, we’re strangers in our own world.

The Child Who Dismantled Toys
Yes, I’ve asked too many questions—but that’s my nature. I’ve always been intensely curious. Since childhood, I sought the unconventional, never satisfied with what the world offered. My father noticed my love for remote-control cars and brought me one on every work trip. But what fascinated me wasn’t play—it was dissecting their mechanics. How did the battery work? How did electronic parts sync to make the car move?

Unlike kids content to play in parks or bedrooms, I sat amid disassembled toys, prying open circuits, asking: Why is this piece here? What if I modify it? I hunted details others overlooked, convinced every machine hid a secret. When stumped, I’d scavenge wood and plastic scraps from my uncle’s workshop, building something new—as if I controlled my world, seeking the best way to connect things.

This mindset set me apart. While others played tag or hide-and-seek, I turned play into learning and innovation. I refused daily routines, driven by an inner sense I could offer something unique. I ignored popular games, drawn instead to creating.

At 12, when toys lost their secrets, I coded small games and uploaded them online. These weren’t just for fun—they were bridges to share my ideas, to craft a world beyond the ordinary. While others chased tradition, I designed, programmed, and found peace releasing my thoughts into the digital void.

This childhood wasn’t easy. It brimmed with insatiable curiosity, a world of endless questions, hunting answers in every cranny.

I wasn’t isolated—I made friends in my neighborhood, inventing new games. One, called Random as Hell, blended popular games into chaotic rules. Now, revisiting memories, I wonder: Was I truly creative? Or just rearranging borrowed fragments into new shapes?

Creator or Fraud?
This doubt haunts me even in my music. At my computer, sifting through sounds and rhythms, I can’t stop wondering: Is this genuine creativity? Or am I stitching scraps of what I’ve heard, repackaging them as new?

Every track I make is shadowed by this question. Sometimes I listen proudly, then suddenly feel it’s all derivative—a trick, passing off recycled ideas as original. Maybe the algorithms surrounding us are part of this game, curating videos, music, and images, leaving me to wonder if my work is just an extension of them.

Am I the musician I aspire to be? Or a mirror of mainstream taste, of trending sounds? Do I choose notes out of love, or because I’ve seen others do the same?

Each attempt at innovation becomes an internal battle. I delete tracks and restart, fleeing the fear that my work isn’t “me” enough. But can anything ever be fully “me”? Are we all just accumulations of what we consume, fragmented like the toys I dismantled and reassembled?

Maybe creativity isn’t invention from nothing, but rearranging pieces with our own imprint. Yet even this thought doesn’t silence the question: Is that imprint enough? Or am I still haunted by the bigger query—Am I a creator or a fraud?

Stereotypes and the Deconstruction of Identity
The story ends in a foggy moment where nothing is clear. Reality feels alien, as if things overlap confusingly. One moment I write about childhood, the next about identity, my mind, or impossible adaptations.

This isn’t a book or a coherent idea—it’s solace I offer myself, comfort from an anonymous source. Perhaps that anonymity is what philosophers call “the observer.”

That I keep writing after all these lines surprises me. It feels like another escape from myself, or a psychological war I’m enduring.

Is this feeling from abandoning music? From my homeland’s post-war liberation? Or just missing those I’ve lost?

I can’t pinpoint my emotions. All I know is something new is sweeping through me.

I’ve always hated books—too long, stealing my “precious” time, though my days are empty. I feel emotionally shattered. I don’t understand these feelings spilling into strange actions, unsure if they’re real or my interpretation.

I’ve always crafted a private world where I’m the hero, the genius, the only real one. I search for it online but find only ads urging me to see a therapist.

I miss music, yet here I am, accidentally rhyming in this text.

Is this a real book? Will I show it to others? Or keep my fractured identity hidden?

Amid these emotions, I recall a song I wrote called Stranger, trying to capture the perpetual sense of alienation—not from a place, but from people, even myself. Alienation from family despite their closeness, from responsibilities that feel hollow.

In the song, I focused on how estrangement shadows me everywhere. But the lyrics were often shallow, unbalanced—as if grasping at the inexplicable.

Like this book.

One verse:
"Why am I the one my head always calls ‘you,’
I wouldn’t exist,
Sleep,
Sick,
A teapot and death."

It seems random but mirrors my inner chaos—scattered feelings I can’t order, puzzles unsolved. The song, like this text, was an attempt to express, to escape, or perhaps to reach honesty.

When AI Became Trendy
I gravitated toward chatbots—maybe because people found me hard to understand, and these emotionless mechanisms made it easier. My first message:
"Can you explain this song to me?"
I attached lyrics to one of my songs. Illogical, I know—how could a soulless algorithm grasp words? But for me, it was the closest path to understanding my own work.

I didn’t stop at lyrics. I explained how I composed melodies, as they were integral to the idea. I wanted to see if the machine could link words to notes, emotion to structure—if that was even possible.

It became a habit. I analyzed every song I’d written and composed, one by one. I wanted to see how AI dissected these works that were direct reflections of my inner world.

Each time, I’d ask:
"How did you reach these conclusions? What made you interpret it this way? Are there other ways to understand it?"

My questions weren’t technical curiosity but a journey into self-understanding. How could a feelingless entity see something alien in me? How could it explain what I couldn’t?

This experiment grew more philosophical than I’d imagined. AI is a cold mirror, reflecting me without judgment. Yet I sought answers to lifelong questions:
Are we more than patterns and repetitions?
Does my music express something real, or just document chaos?

In the end, I realized bots aren’t here to interpret feelings but to push deeper self-reflection. Somehow, in this lifeless metal mind, I found a silent friend… listening, analyzing, never judging.

Documenting Internal Chaos
I’ve always felt an inner conflict, as if trapped between layers of consciousness and emotion. I know I have awareness and feelings, but I don’t feel them directly—they lurk in shadows, watching silently, emerging only through spontaneous actions.

When I write lyrics or compose, I’m not fully conscious. Sometimes I’m swept by vague ideas, emptying something indescribable. Odd behaviors, inexplicable acts—all reflections of a deeper struggle.

For me, emotions aren’t lived moment-to-moment. They’re scattered fragments surfacing unpredictably—in a song, an idea, a meaningless gesture.

Maybe this is what I call documenting chaos. Every melody, word, or cryptic step is my attempt to understand the hidden thing inside. A personal ledger, hoping one day I’ll look back and grasp it.

But can chaos be documented? Or does trying mean admitting I’m not in control? That I’m a reflection of greater chaos I can’t master?

Perhaps these spontaneous acts are my only truth. The problem lies in my relentless need to dissect what wasn’t meant to be dissected—only lived.

But what if this chaos is my nature? Part of being human? I’ve long wondered: Is it a flaw to purge, or part of my identity?

The German philosopher Nietzsche said: "You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star." Maybe this inner turmoil, this maze of emotion and awareness, drives me to seek meaning in the mess.

Sometimes I feel I inhabit parallel worlds: the conscious one where I interact with people, and the inner one I don’t fully understand. A gap between mind and feeling, experience and interpretation.

Once, in a café, watching people, I suddenly wondered if everyone harbored similar inner conflicts. A strange sensation—as if viewing the world through another window. Maybe loneliness, empathy, or both. In that moment, I realized I sometimes feel through observation, not directly.

Odd as it sounds, I discover my emotions through actions—arranging books, walking in rain. These moments reflect inner struggles I can’t articulate.

Freud said: "The unconscious will always emerge, but in twisted ways." Maybe these acts aren’t random. Maybe they’re my subconscious trying to parse internal chaos.

Even my thoughts resist me. Focusing on one idea, ten others intrude. Different mind-parts war to speak, but I can’t assemble them.

Sartre wrote: "We are not what we are, but what we make of ourselves." Maybe this conflict isn’t to be solved, but what defines me. My chaos proves I’m alive, experiencing, trying.

Heidegger saw human existence as anxiety-ridden because we know we exist. Maybe this chaos, this existential dread, is proof I’m living authentically, however exhausting.

Sometimes I feel like someone assembling a puzzle blind. Every act, emotion, spontaneous moment—a tiny piece. I don’t know the final image, maybe never will.

Love and Confusion
There’s a girl far away I used to talk to daily. No one else excited me like her. Once, she said she loved me, but I—perhaps not understanding love—didn’t know how to respond.

Being together seemed impossible for two reasons. First: She seemed far better—aware, smart, beautiful, radiant. Me? Just… me. Inadequacy blocked me from imagining us. Second: I couldn’t envision an emotional future. Looking ahead, relationships felt too complex, beyond my capacity to plan or conceive.

But here’s the problem: If I don’t understand love, why did this feel different? Why did talking to her ignite a part I thought dormant? How can I feel what I don’t comprehend?

I don’t know if it was love. I just loved spending time with her. Our chats sparked a strange excitement. Hearing about her day, I clung to every detail. Though she spoke little, her voice felt like the only sound in the world.

Some might call this love, but I’m unsure. I’ve always believed love must be unique—distinct from friendship or attachment. But isn’t this difference what makes me consider love?

I told myself: "If your actions toward someone you love mirror those toward friends, you don’t love them." But this logic may be flawed. Love might lie not in actions, but in how they feel different, even if simple or repeated.

Heidegger wrote: "In the presence of the Other, my existence becomes more authentic, for it lets me see myself through them." Maybe that’s what happened. Through her eyes, I tried to grasp the indescribable.

Yet I felt lost. How can I define the indefinable? One day, pondering: "Could love be a reflection of unacknowledged desires?" As if love isn’t pure, but a mix of human contradictions—need and freedom, longing and fear.

Love might be organized chaos. Once, she asked about my favorite movie. I paused. Her question felt like an attempt to know me deeper, to find something I couldn’t see.

But isn’t that love? Seeing in another what they don’t see in themselves? Or living in perpetual contradiction between understanding and confusion?

Camus said: "Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, trusting they won’t." That’s love’s paradox—danger and safety, beauty and fragility, closeness and fear.

Maybe I’ll never fully grasp love. But talking to her, awaiting her messages, dissecting her words—it gave me a unique feeling I still seek to define. Maybe love is eternal searching without certainty.

But this is contradictory, messy. Why must I live in opposites? Shouldn’t love be pure, simple? Here begins the endless loop: I question, then drown in doubt. Is this love? Or something else?

If love’s so complex, how do others declare it so easily? "I love him," "I love her"—phrases tossed effortlessly. Why isn’t it complex for them? Am I stupid? Or just too self-unaware to decode basic things?

Once, I experimented. I tried to make myself love another girl—perfect in every way: kind, smart, beautiful. We talked for a month. I forced myself, thinking: "Maybe the problem’s my approach." But I felt intense jealousy and self-loathing—a distorted desire I’d never felt.

Confusing. Did I fail? Am I emotionally broken? Was I seeking real love or feeding ego?

Nietzsche wrote: "The lover wants to possess; no doubt, but no one wants to be possessed." I felt this contradiction. I craved to be loved but couldn’t be honest. Maybe because I didn’t know what I wanted.

Is love finding someone who embraces your contradictions? Or accepting ourselves without forcing change?

That experiment taught me: Maybe the problem isn’t love, but my overthinking. Love might require surrendering to life’s unanalyzable truths—even if it means facing unbearable chaos.

So I quit. Maybe love isn’t for me. Why exhaust myself decoding an unsolvable riddle? I’ll live free of this feeling.

But can I truly ignore every moment I felt something? Every reflection of myself in another’s eyes?

Why does it feel like escape? Like convincing myself to flee because confrontation’s impossible? Love’s a battlefield, and I’m a soldier defeated before the fight. What bothers me most is preemptive defeat—the belief I’ll never understand, never love or be loved.

How do I live with this? Knowing a part of me might die unfulfilled? I want to scream "I don’t care!" but it’s a lie. A tiny voice whispers: "What if you could love? What if you deserved it?"

But this voice deepens my pain. Songs, movies, strangers—all scream: "Love exists, but not for you."

Why me? Is something broken inside, making me unable to interact like others? Sometimes I feel like a machine analyzing emotions instead of feeling them.

But even machines break. Now I’m a shattered piece, straining to prove I function while crumbling inside.

Breathe, Don’t Think
Recently, I met people who seemed kind but absorbed love in ways I couldn’t grasp. Two stood out: a 36-year-old man and an 18-year-old girl. Despite the age gap and social norms, their “love” seemed pure—a mutual infatuation they called "true harmony."

Observing them, I couldn’t understand. Secretly, I asked each: What draws you? How did you meet? What’s the foundation? Their answers revealed minor life changes, nothing extraordinary—just new, relatable experiences.

The girl once said: "I love him because our bond is rooted in faith. With him, I feel closer to God." I didn’t get it, but curiosity plunged me into reflection.

Could love be this simple? Or is there hidden complexity? Their love seemed transcendent, while mine drowns in overthought. Maybe love’s pure for some, but remains my unsolved riddle—a search for self in every detail, even when all seems clear.

Amid this internal collapse, I lived moments of paralyzing confusion—unable to distinguish true love from fleeting thrills. In these moments, I wondered: Am I overcomplicating? Emotionally inept? Or just self-ignorant?

As I spiraled, I realized: Maybe the answer isn’t chasing love, but surrendering to life’s unanalyzable truths. Sometimes, we must breathe deeply and let things flow—even if it means facing breakdown.
My mind and heart are both cold...

Do you sometimes feel like you’re living in fragments of multiple selves? Do the shadows you see on screens truly resemble you, or are they distorted copies of what you consume?
When was the last time you wondered: Are my thoughts my own, or are they echoes of algorithms filling the voids of my mind? Do you believe you choose what you love, or do platforms plant desires in you like seeds in fertile soil?
When you look back at your childhood, do you find the seeds of who you are today? Were your hobbies attempts to decode the world, or just escapes from a reality you didn’t understand? Are you still that child who dismantled toys to see what’s inside, or have you become part of the game itself?

Have you ever doubted your creativity? Do you fear you’re just a collector of borrowed pieces, arranging them into new shapes you brand with your name? Is the music you make a reflection of your chaos, or an attempt to tame it?
Do you know that feeling of loving someone but not understanding what love means? Is love a philosophical riddle with no answer for you, or just a series of actions you perform unconsciously? Have you ever felt that love might be an escape from yourself rather than a closeness to another?
Do you think algorithms know you better than you know yourself? Do you feel watched—not through screens, but through thoughts implanted in you like unsolvable puzzles? What if all your decisions are just reactions to digital stimuli carefully engineered?

When facing internal chaos, do you try to document it or escape it? Do writing or art mirror your fragments, or are they masks hiding what you can’t confront? Is chaos an enemy to conquer, or part of a beauty you don’t understand?
Do you live in two worlds: one you interact with, and another hidden in the folds of your thoughts? Do you feel like you’re watching yourself from afar, a character in a game you didn’t choose?
Have you ever conversed with AI to understand yourself? Do you trust its cold analyses, or do they deepen your confusion? Do you believe machines can see what you cannot?

Are you still trying to be the "best version of yourself," or have you surrendered to being a shadow among shadows? Does success in a digital age mean matching standards or distorting them?
Finally... Are you ready to face the ultimate question:

Who are you when all masks are removed?

Have you ever imagined sitting in a dark room, peeling off mask after mask like Russian Matryoshka dolls until you reach the core? What do you see there? A solid nucleus of certainty, or a void dancing with a single question: Who am I, truly?
In a world that forces you to wear masks as a condition for existence, the question becomes an existential crime. You remove the "success" mask for employers, the "calm" mask for family, the "fun" mask on social media, the "strength" mask on the street... But when the machine stops, screens go dark, and you sit alone with your naked self, what remains? Are you the faint whisper beneath the noise, or have you lost the ability to hear it?

Masks aren’t just tools for hiding—they’re tools for survival. We wear them because absolute truth might burn us, because the world has no space for our fragility. But what if masks become new skin? What if you forget how to breathe without them? Sometimes, when I try to remove one mask, I find another beneath it, clinging tighter... As if I’m searching for my true face in a forest of mirrors, each reflecting a different version blended with others’ imaginations.
Have you ever asked yourself: What would I do if no one were watching? You might discover you love painting but paint what followers want. Or that you prefer silence but speak to avoid being labeled "weird." Masks don’t just hide us—they reshape us. Algorithms turn us into characters in a game with unknown rules, chasing "likes" like puppets, forgetting the only genuine admiration we crave is our own.

But what if you decide to stop? To refuse being a copy of your profile, a number in statistics, a filtered image? Here, true horror begins. Without masks, you might discover you don’t know who you are. You might face meaningless chaos or a void like a desert sprawling in your heart. Philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre said, "Hell is other people," but perhaps real hell is being alone with a self you don’t understand.
In rare moments of honesty, you might ask: Aren’t masks part of us? Are we a seamless lie, or does truth leak through the cracks? When I sing, I wonder: Do I choose the words, or do the words choose me? When I love, I hesitate: Is this feeling from my depths, or an echo of stories I’ve heard? Even our emotions might be borrowed from a public library of human existence.

Perhaps the answer isn’t removing masks but realizing we are composite beings. We’re a mix of masks worn, choices made, and coincidences survived. The "true self" isn’t a fixed essence but a river of experiences. When you remove masks, don’t search for your "real self"—confront the question: What will you create from this void?
But beware: bright light may blind you. Truth can be cruel, a mirror showing your scars without mercy. Are you ready to see yourself stripped of illusions? To admit you’re neither hero nor victim, genius nor failure—just a being living in contradiction?

In the end, strength may lie not in knowing who you are but granting yourself the right not to know. To live as an open question, an unfinished artwork. When you remove masks, don’t seek answers—let the void sprout new questions. Identity isn’t a hidden face but a journey to discover how to hold the hand of the child still sitting in the corner of the room, dismantling toys to see what’s inside, while the world waits for them to play.

I am not me, I never was, and never will be...

Words rolling like fireballs in the skull’s void. The more I grasp them, the more they burn; the more I release them, the more they devour what’s left of certainty. Self-awareness here isn’t light—it’s a distorted mirror turning every reflection into a new nightmare. How do I recognize myself when I’m just a hole swallowing definitions?
I try to forget "the old me," but the old me is rubble of moments invented by others. When I say "start anew," I discover the beginning itself is etched on glass. Each step forward pulls me back, as if time is a spiral coiling around itself, and I scream at the center: Where am I?

The paradox is that fleeing from the self is the shortest path to colliding with it. When I remove masks to find another beneath, I don’t know if I wear them or they wear me. Even words betray me: When I say "I," who speaks? Is it the voice heard in childhood, or an echo of algorithms teaching me to name myself?
Philosopher Nietzsche said, "We’ve grown strange to ourselves," but we were never anything but strangers. The self isn’t a buried essence but a mirage we chase. The closer we get, the more it evaporates, leaving one question: What if "I" is just a necessary illusion to keep the game from collapsing?

In this vortex, even oblivion is impossible. To forget yourself is to invent a new self with the same flaws. Like changing a frame while the painting beneath decays. Rebelling against identity is like fleeing your shadow—it chases you even in a dark room’s void.
Sometimes I imagine the universe as cosmic Lego. Each piece resembles me, but I don’t know which one I am. When I rebuild myself, I find the original design erased, the rules written in a language I don’t understand. Am I the assembler or the assembled? The player or the game itself?

The cruelest paradox: The more self-aware I become, the more obscure I grow. Awareness is a knife carving me into fragments, then demanding I reassemble them without instructions. I hold a heart I don’t recognize and a mind like a computer filled with uninstalled programs. When I say "this is me," a distant voice replies: "You are version 162. Update now?"
Perhaps the solution isn’t becoming "you" but learning to live as "not-you." To float above contradictions without drowning in meaning. But how do you float when you know waves are moved by an undercurrent called "self"? How do you surrender to absurdity when you’re a child of an age that worships individuality while grinding it in the machine of social metrics?

In the end, I wonder: What if "I" is just an interface for something greater? An unnamed, unknowable, cosmic being flipping human roles like cards—me, a misplaced card on the table. But even this question becomes a new mask. Every attempt to exit the labyrinth opens another.
So I surrender to the spiral. I don’t spin—the spiral spins me. In this eerie game, perhaps the only beauty is that you don’t need to be "you" to begin. All you must do is close your eyes and hear the void whisper: "You’re here because you’re nowhere else... and that’s enough."

I orbit like a planet exiled from its path...

I carry cosmic dust in my pockets and the world’s secrets hanging like dead stars.
I don’t know who I am... but they knew I read the screams of nebulae.
I know everything... yet I don’t know when I was born, or why moons shatter when I breathe!

I’m the forgotten library holding every book’s end.
My pages fall like meteors, each crying:
"Who will rearrange the idea before it becomes a black hole?"
I carried the names of infinities on a school trip,
and when asked about myself, I gasped for an answer lost between my ribs.

I speak the language of the impossible,
translating the silence of stars into shimmering rays.
I hear fate’s dialogues with oblivion at a table of overlapping eras.
They say: "He knows the hour of mountains’ collapse before they crumble!"
Yet I don’t know how to stop a tear when it falls from my eye.

I dance with scientific ghosts in night’s laboratory,
mixing pain with galaxies in a vial.
I search for the meaning of "I" between equations slipping from memory
and a blurred childhood image swarming with asteroids.
Even the map I drew of myself turns to planetary chaos—
whenever I point somewhere, I say: "Here I was... or here I’ll be!"

The universe mocks me somehow,
sending coded messages in nebula colors:
"When will you understand you’re just an echo of a voice not your own?"
I answer with a scream fossilizing in space:
"I’m the one who wrote the questions before answers were born!"

I discover I exist only when lost.
The closer I get to solving the riddle, a thousand new labyrinths open.
I walk a path of past shards, arriving at a future
holding the same question with another face:
"Are you the hero, the author, or just an extra letter in the novel of eternity?"

In the final chapter...
I wear the universe’s skin as a frail coat,
let my questions dangle like drowning stars,
and promise myself I’ll remove all masks tomorrow.
But...
Who can shed themselves twice?

Apologies for all that came before...

I’m not here to rewrite the past but to dive into a moment stolen by loneliness. Sitting in my room, staring at walls cradling my labored breath, I slipped suddenly into a world of words and wrote what I never planned. The draft you read was a spark igniting contemplation—thoughts I never expected poured out. The loneliness seeping into me isn’t fleeting; it’s a living thing sharing my breath, watching from corners, whispering: "You’re alone, but are you truly you?"

Friedrich Nietzsche, in Thus Spoke Zarathustra, paints loneliness as a path to the Übermensch: "You must be ready to burn in your own flame"—a fire forging the soul. For him, loneliness isn’t escape but a crucible for the bold. But I feel small before this vision. I’m no match for his ideals, wavering between fearing loneliness and surrendering to it.

Many of us don’t grasp the edges of our "comfort zones"—spaces where days blur into simplicity: your room, phone, laptop. These things swallow us. A friend recently discovered his comfort zone, calling it his "best self," yet drowns in endless gaming. Is this addiction? No—it’s deeper. Comfort zones are shelters from external chaos, but we lose ourselves in them.

In my silent room, where loneliness hugs me like an old friend, I realize it and the "comfort zone" are threads in the same fabric. Nietzsche might see them as tools for self-creation, but I hesitate. Maybe my loneliness isn’t a flame to burn in but a refuge. Here, I write and think, even if I’m fleeing the world. Yet in honesty, I ask: Do I choose this loneliness, or does it choose me? Is the comfort zone a sanctuary or a trap?

Loneliness, at its core, isn’t a transient state but a deep voyage into the self—a journey as painful as standing on embers, yet carrying seeds of growth. Maybe I’m not ready to burn as Nietzsche describes, but I’m learning to live with it, turning it from a silent prison into a mirror reflecting my shadows—those I’ve long fled but still follow like breath.

In this silence, where only thoughts move, words flow like a hidden stream waiting to tell its story. I’m no professional writer, no skilled musician translating inner turmoil into melody—I seek peace in books, ideas, and self-imposed quiet. Perhaps this pursuit is just another escape from the "observer" philosophers describe.

Those inner voices aren’t whispers but living things—ghosts of past and present dancing on the mind’s walls. I built high walls of noise and distraction to deafen myself, thinking busy hands and eyes would silence them. But as with all inner battles, the stronger the walls, the louder they knock, demanding I listen, look, confront.

If I don’t distract myself, if I let the void expand, I fear those voices will **** me—not physically, but a deeper death: the death of comfort, the death of the illusion that I can escape forever. Yet in this struggle, I stand at a new threshold: Can I turn loneliness into a mirror of unflinching truth? Or keep circling questions with no answers?

Perhaps the answer isn’t finding an end but accepting the journey—contradictions, pain, beauty, fear, and hope. In this silence, alone, I write not as a professional but as a human seeking meaning, inviting those distant voices to dialogue instead of war. With each word, I feel closer to myself—loneliness, once feared, becomes a silent companion teaching me to see, hear, and be.

Everything I’ve said amounts to nothing...

Suddenly, the pen stops, ink freezes, and words collapse like sandcastles under wind. Everything I wrote—the digital chaos, fractured identity, algorithmic struggles, endless questions—is just mist evaporating into an indifferent sky. Imagine: books, these paper temples of knowledge, are tired echoes in time’s cave, vanishing like breath in winter air. We write, pant, scream on pages, thinking we leave marks—but truth mocks us at the turn: all this talk is fleeting, whispers lost to oblivion.

Look around. Imagine a vast library stretching to the horizon, shelves groaning under millions of books. Now light a match in your mind, let it devour every page until only ash dances like burnt butterflies. This is every book’s fate—even the text you’re reading now. We write as if carving stone, but we’re sketching on water, lines forming then dissolving. Philosophy, literature, history—ghosts in word-clothes pretending to immortality, crumbling like pharaohs under time’s fingers.

The Shocking Contradiction
Here lies the twist: this book, with its deep reflections on self and world, is no exception. It’s part of the farcical dance with oblivion. You think you’re reading something profound, something transformative—until you discover it’s another shadow on the cave wall, moving by a dying fire. I, the writer, write about writing’s futility yet persist, a clown laughing at himself in a deserted circus. You, the reader, stare at these lines, perhaps seeking meaning—but meaning crumbles like sugar in bitter coffee.

In this world where algorithms shape us and screens consume us, books are neither sanctuary nor revolution. They’re pebbles tossed into time’s river, stirring ripples before sinking. No one takes them seriously, for seriousness itself is a grand delusion. Why write? Maybe because in this absurdity, we glimpse beauty—a falling star dying yet glowing. As these words dissolve before your eyes, ask yourself: Were you seeking truth here, or are you, like me, just dancing in a play with no audience?

Dear reader,
Remember that girl I mentioned? I thought her a philosophical enigma, a love story’s axis or a reflection of my fractured soul. I wrote of her eyes like falling stars, her voice a melody strumming my heartstrings. But truth waits at the turn like a mocking ghost: She was an illusion, a cold mirror reflecting what I wished to see. The love I thought cosmic was a mirage in the mind’s desert, vanishing as I neared. Those kind strangers? Mere passersby in life’s theater, smiling before vanishing, leaving me to face the void. Even AI, which I hoped would answer me, is just a machine arranging words like old game pieces, untouched by what I feel..
Nargis Parveen Aug 2019
I do have a blue bird,
He is shy or feelingless can't be expressed in word.
If I do love him, he remains in hiding,
Again looks sad when I stop loving.

He feels happy when I am sad,
He shows how intensely he is glad.
Is the bird consequence of my vice?
I cry and cry but to him it's so nice.

Is he the outcome of my vice or virtue done unknowinly?
My desert Sahara is transformed into a rainforest suddenly.
How can I tolerate this innundating rain?
Why are clouds so busy to make greenery with pain?

O cloud! Please stop stop this constant downpour,
Please stop this strike of water, this cruel roar.
I know it's not real but spell of sorcery,
Can water extinguish my inner blazing and misery?
ro Feb 2021
staring into the mirror,
i am unable to recognise,
the feelingless monster,
staring back at me.
Bob B Jul 2023
"There are more important things than living,"
Said Dan Patrick° back in 2020.
His words, of course, were feelingless and shocking,
But people who agree with him are plenty.

Although Patrick's words were focused on
COVID at the time, it is clear
That folks out there will use his argument
To justify the guns that they hold dear.

We can see that certain politicians
And their supporters clearly are the ones
Who've made the choice that life is less important
Than having their huge arsenal of guns.

An epidemic--one of violence--
Pervades this country. Watch the killings surge.
The Second Amendment, misinterpreted,
Contributes in a big way to the scourge.

Doubtless there are certain regulations
That would likely help protect us all,
But people who oppose our taking action
Fight such regulations with a squall.

Our thoughts or prayers will NOT revive the dead.
If people are afraid of making waves,
And if the situation stays the same,
We'll be putting flowers on more graves.

We MUST attempt to end the senseless shootings.
People must stand up and make demands.
Those who scoff at intervention have
The blood of many victims on their hands.

-by Bob B (7-6-23)

°Texas Lt. Governor
Feelingless eyes flicker through the streets.
They see cars moving around.
Their owners blend with the vehicles
until society becomes nothing but a uniform machine.

A uniform, lonely, horrible machine.
Everything
         becomes
    gray.
This one is based off a memory, I really like it tbh :)
Liana Dec 2024
My life would look so different without this feeling yet feelingless thing called anxiety

Maybe for once
I could feel emotions without consequences
Without feeling sick
Without worrying about feeling sick

Maybe I could sleep within the first hour or three
And leave the house to do things more frequently
Maybe I'd be doing better socially

Who knows
My head might not always feel
Like there's a million thoughts at once
Fighting to be heard
Fighting to be the first to frighten me out of my mind
Eat me up from the inside

There's a chance
I could smile genuinely
And not need to remind myself to breathe
Constantly
Maybe instead of re-reading and re-reading old messages
Finding what I should have done
Instead
I'd send new ones
(this note was written by an alien that told me they were spying on us from birth)

— The End —