whenever i go online shopping,
no matter if it's
high end, low end, or in between,
i would always sort the items
from low to high.
not only because it's a safe way to shop
and that it makes me look like
i take budgeting seriously,
but that's the only thing i can afford.

talk about me,
a high middle class kid that tries
DESPERATELY
to not spend so much on
the things he wants
rather than the things he needs
while still unemployed
and in college
as well as getting many allowances from his parents.
you are COMPLETELY allowed to say
that i am spoiled,
i understand and am aware of that.

as i scroll down and observe
the price tags slowly rising up,
$10, $15, $29.99, $49.99, $79.99,
until it hits $3,000,
i not only thought,
"how do you think that
it was a good idea to make that
simple, plain jacket
in such a high price?"
but i also had to admit that
i really did wanted that jacket
since i thought it looked cute.

the problem with that is:
most of the stuff i wish i have
in my wardrobe,
they would all usually be so expensive,
especially since most of the stuff
i want to have is from
high end streetwear brands.

i would see almost every celebrity
wear my future wardrobe,
all looking so confident,
trendy,
iconic,
stylish.

oh, how i wish to be like them, sometimes.
how i wish to be rich.
how i wish to not worry about saving money.
how i wish to just show off iconic outfits
from amazing high end brands.
how i wish to have what i always wanted.

i know i should be content
with what i have.
i mean there always will be
other solutions to wear something
inspired by designer clothes
i've dreamed to have.

but ****, would i look good in that
$3,000 jacket.

I was three years out of high school and finally getting
the chance to grow up. I’d been ready since before
graduation day. Everybody in the world was certain
that I would fail. I couldn’t succeed. Thanks for the vote
of confidence. I am proving them wrong. I’m succeeding,
maybe not thriving, but succeeding right before their very eyes.

Success is living on my own. Being able to do every household
chore on my own. Success is getting myself to and from where
I need to be in my broken down, beat up wheelchair. Success
is budgeting my money each month. Success is not getting killed
and ***** on my walk home from work in the dark. Success is
living up to their standards and way of life. Success is faking a smile.

I’ve learned more about life in the last eight months than ever before.
I’ve made mistakes, just like they said I would. What they didn’t count
on was me learning from those mistakes and picking up the pieces.
They told me I wouldn’t last more than a month, six weeks at the most.
I would ***** up, fail miserably, get hurt and hospitalized. Thank you
for the boost of self-esteem. It’s made me tougher than steel.

I may not be the perfect student, skinny blonde *****, award winning
page designer or most eloquent writer. I may not speak Spanish fluently,
have loads of extra cash lying around or a motorized, state of the art
wheelchair. Stop telling me what I need. I don’t need or want any of them.

Success is living how I want to live. Success is a productive day when I want
nothing but hot tea and soft music. Success is having the confidence to ask
for help when I’ve been told I shouldn’t. Success is making friends who can
read through my masquerade. Success is facing the consequences. Success is
found through red ink marks and piles of papers. Success is not letting those
who don’t believe in me get the best of me. Success is sunshine on a cloudy day

I sit, in my prison of fears, dreams, hopes and consequences thinking,
I am thinking about my life, but most  importantly, what I want and desire. Tonight my thought is of you, as I look back and ask why? Why do I care, why do I feel, and why did I give my true love and honour.

In better times, you were the symbol of fun, new hope, and excitement.
I laughed a bit more, taste the fruits just a bit better, and saw the colours a bit brighter as excitement ran through my veins. I remembers days conversing about everything and nothing, exploring each other's favorite music, dance, style, and humour.

I grown to trust as a friend and romance as a prospect as I seen bits and pieces in you that I have not seen in others. As comfort set, so did fear and anxiety of the next chapter. It hindered, broke, scared, and hurt us. We experience forces that successfully broke us out of envy and jealousy of our closeness. Half the times we were stronger, other times, weaker as other people painted green while we only saw mud brown.

I spent many upbeat nights , dancing in my mind the beauty of the friendship and the words once said, and many nights crying, for the pain and hurt that is inflicted.

I will always not understand everything, especially the small magic that occurred as sometimes I feel insignificant to the only person I feel who is the most significant.

For the first time, I held the hand that shaken, cleaned the tears of confusion and pain, and gave only from my soul and heart, because I  just know it felt right. I watch every time unneeded, I become again void as once again I am imprisoned under negative energy and mirrors.

Always looking to cracked the bad mirror to prove the beauty and love within me, asking for a glare of notice, because as every day unfolds, I have a basic feeling of deep admiration and love solely on the history and fantasy combined we created. And I have no fear as the worst always have happened, leaving deeper in sorrow.

I realize I am a failure, not because I fail, but I found a reason to refuse to fail, as my stubborn heart persists and my mind fights. Despite the exposure of love and acceptance, for each positive influence I experience, I cannot fully appreciate as I wait for the perfect connection between what I admire and my self-reflection. When I promise to cross waters without swimming, taking hits without shields, and stopping time to fulfill my integrity, I meant it deeply as I have already executed my words.

Many times that I have drowned, shot by criticism from within and afar, broke past self budgeting, and surpass my expected limitations, I just know would do it all over again just to reflect on my mistakes to give a better story. It is my creed.

I may be a fool in many eyes, but finding a diamond with so many colourful flaws is very rare to me, and cannot be duplicated in effort or by chance. Seeing someone hold your hand as I wrapped in cold quietness is my pain, as I run out of ideas to bring forth the smile I have seen before, and the meaningful tears of love I once heard. If you were  colour, you are that shade of violet. Very loud, misunderstood, never available in most settings, but yet the shade that always sang to me.

Crucify me for being an idiot for loving, as I stand by whom I chose as my twin flames of friendship. I miss you because I have too. Some days I am glad I met someone who taught me that I could love for real, and some days I regret demeaning myself. I am guilty by creed.

As i always say, you given me spontaneous energy , in which gave my life some flavour beyond salty-boring. This here, what I am saying now, is just another random of spice to add to the ***, but in deep honesty, this is farther from the truth of randomization. I have written this starting from months ago, only in heart in mind, only to be transposed as words today.  I plea insanity, I plea the fifth, but I plea for recognition as I am guilty of melting by your presence. I refuse to walk the lines of this magic as a failure.

I offer my heart, eyes, soul, wisdom, fruits and prospects, just to see the smiling thanks and admiration I saw before existence of my deeper prison. Let me drink a cup of java and dance the floor of reality one day, and I promise the music will be more than moderately dismal. Within many days, we could choose to flour that pasta, and dip it into the sauce I prepared slowly. Let's ad-lib some more words into a book, and see what the sunset really looks like. With all of me, Peace.

Thomas~

I never wonder what it would be like for me to not have my disease
But I do wonder what it would be like to be someone without it

What it would be like to not miss school to see a doctor whose specialty my classmates can't even spell
What it would be like not to take a pill every morning
What it would be like to not face the repercussions of not taking my pill one morning
What it would be like not to pay for the Synthroid
What it would be like to not know anything about it

I think it would be quite ordinary
I think I would be weaker for it
not being able to endure the symptoms
I think I would have less initiative
Not having to take my pill for myself at a young age
I think I would be less curious
Not wanting to know more about myself
I think I'm better off for it

I know more about myself
I know more about the world around me
I know more about perseverance
I know more about medicine
I know more about budgeting
I know more about individuality

I would never want for me to not have my disease
I'm a better person for it

What they take from you
to spend on armageddon
will make one end meet

                  Kelly McManus

I have Scratched your name
into my Calendar

Your name sits on the lined of my diary
poised for consistent use

At what point did you become
so natural to me

So that when I said your name,
it tasted like nostalgia and hope

and the Cool Fire of our words
warms me to contentment

It wasn't until you spoke and
I smiled

That I knew I missed you when you
were gone

But how can I miss you
When you're only an hour away

Still
I'm regretting the wasted July Mornings

When my nerves swallowed up the sentiments that said
that I think of you sometime, even when you aren't around

It sounds frivolous to say that I'd hope for events
that would draw your lens near

But now I'm budgeting you into my time
and Just hope that it's not wasted

The effort it takes to write these sentiments down is
Nearly incomparable to that effort which must be taken

to Remind the heart on my Sleeve to stay put
and not seep into that vein that will Surely carry dreams across my body

The word that I could entitle
Perfect

And since that word is unattainable here

I'll only say all the others  

You're that feeling right after a pull
And you feel yourself slip under the friendly drowse

You're that feeling when you feel a set of eyes on your
blushing cheeks

You're the laughter of
a clever retort

You're a Melody thats gives spirit to my word

You're that fire that burns with
a bravery that you cannot see

You're that ticking clock, there to remind me
that Time is Precious

and Soon I hate that circled square on the
Calendar
&
I pray that that circle does not act as a deadline
for when your heart can be
mine

Because I like the sweetness of our fresh beginnings
And I do hope I may call it a beginning

Instead of a short story.

I'm all over the clock,
Yearning for more firsts with you

But even still, hoping for a second or 12.

And some first that could count
in a way that didn't get chalked up to

Naive Sentiments

Meaning I want you too much
And My head is rushing

Hours into this Instant.

Fast Forwarding to our Next Kiss

Sending me on a Clockwise Whirlwind
to times that may not even exist

But I still hope and Gamble
for More hours to play

Procrastinating the Seconds into convincing us all

That It's Casual

It is not Casual, to me.

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iBank (IGG Software package -- $60)

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Moneywell can be a private offer by using a powerful focus cost management. There is lead link up checking, bag having a budget, plus exchange and your money circulation control in a very organised, single eye-port user interface. It may possibly scan data delivered electronically from your traditional bank in QIF, CSV, OFX, and also QFX forms. It features a "Smart Fix" get back together aspect that endeavors to understand the most frequent blunders which take place when repairing your account, in addition to a operating balance function that allows exhaust and also drop trades in order to reorder these folks inside of a particular date in order to suit your financial institution sign-up. You'll find it has got iphone 4 incorporation.

There is certainly some other financial software package available for a Macintosh personal computer directed at people that present companies and wish for to carry out invoicing plus occasion keeping track of. iBiz 4 Enables you to control assignments, observe a person's billable hours, that will create invoices. ProfitTrain is definitely an invoicing program that allows you to cope with a number of businesses, keep track of a number of clientele who definitely have distinctive per hour costs, continue to keep steadiness bed sheets and also post quotes. Lewis means that you can keep track of time and expenses, accomplish invoicing, record delayed clientele as well as ship invoices.

On-line and also "cloud-based" providers include Buxfer along with Great.org (currently owned by Intuit). These kinds of possess the good thing about becoming totally free, at the least currently, though improve strategies are obtainable. They let you normally to help acquire dealings by debit card along with banking accounts, adding along with categorizing the orders, chart and stock chart to provide you with facts about your financial situation, plus an i phone slot that enables you to login and look at the dealings on the run.

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You deserve that new leopard print dress
you bought to straighten your figure.
You’re tired of A-line dresses that hide your broad hips.
Your new dress has no form, but it clings to you
Like an ex-boyfriend whom you deserve better than.
Your new life is doesn’t replace the old one; they are co-dominant traits.
The fact that it feels new has nothing to do with
The new threads hanging on your shoulders, weightless but slightly burdensome.
Your face is older but it looks better to you.
You sweat less in these drafty spaghetti straps, and when you do
The beads don’t reach the edge of the armholes;
They just keep sliding down to your hips.
This is natural for you and if you would just let your hips dance
You would find the sweat cools their pink-hot heat.
You may be sore afterward, but your mind is usually sore anyway
From recalculating and budgeting your love.

At thought speed what's an instance cost
- adjusting thirst too much salt,
- take sweat stores, make spit,
- later, after recent thirst through
re examine the examined life,
worth it thirsty, worthit intuitively
quenched, no lucit licet vide
Gotta expand the penetralium,
gotta deal with spherical infinite points,
examining a lived life investment in others…

On the surface, just below the mountain tops,
certainty in time passing, here it was, today,
passing faster as I notice, half a day runaway
- it is 19:15, same day, that half later
whiling with a will to feel as fine as can be,
a one in nearer nine billion than eight, all being
the potential reader, the potential knower more
or less essential to the task at hand,
last straw,
Zippo all fueled, flicked in the wind,

telling who ever happens to hear,
listen, living with enough is enough for anyone,

living with less than a full **** sapien ration,
is a matter of mind and enviro-mental genetics,

breathe along the curve, think around the effort,
what knowing is called for to function animated,
become alive
in an active atmosphere of anxious thoughts, all
remenants of familiar spirits, the domain of we
the ones once called wise, for ways we know,

how we grow from suckling to sage stage,
wishing to know, both why and how, right now.

Wait,
we're here, we think
wait and see if we can think a way beyond,
same old reasons for defense spending,
same old reasons for earning a living,
same old reasons for holy terror and grace,
best breaths bet last,  you know,
confess, say you know the secret reasons
for war and hate of the others who speak

as dogs, barking, and smell, of smoked fish.

Starlink, think, everywhere we put a solar
water purifier invented by Dean Kamen,
we could make life possible, comfortable
and all the Earthlings could use Google translate,
to read centuries worth of discoveries since,
Gobekli Tepi was hidden until we could
make sense of logotherapy, personally.

EKOCENTERs wherever useful cost less, by far
than the war in Ukraine, as of 8/26/2024,
many problems are locally mini
we were thinking you were saying,
go exxon- no, share this think
The USA budgeting and borrowing servants
toiling away in oligarchical lobster stacking orders,
selected by committees with donor profit share
maximization on constant priority, ever spending,
ever raising awareness for the payoff on investment.

Round figures, $300 Billion, on a war
for profit, bottom line perennial expenditure,
Industrial Base Support, {nee Subsidy, to La. Distr. 4.
good middle class incomes, and devine exec perquisites. }

Where did who invest whose time invested
in a musing adventure past last edge we spoke of,

this is new, day for with chocolate in my some time ago
coffee, plus the diet Dr Pepper, half eaten Carl's Jr.
get home in time to feed the recluse, useless,
laughing to himself, type, archetype tuned
in to the many mirrored experience enchantment

mental attach mentenough for a burp alert
remenants, remind me later, ding, soccer practice
active bombshell grandma in anybody's seventies,

yes, nuffsthoughtoughtasaid
you seem to think along these lines, where
from my vape charging chair, staring past
a half-eaten carls junior burger reaching out to me
- thirsty and the Dr Pepper's gone, swallow
could we be shared madness therapy,
past certainty, we make chaos spin
phi final analysis, if we must agree
this is it, this is the same river,
one ready reader finds it worth it.
we were rating for trading with whom
they must have wondered, at Bonelli's landing,

spell it like it is, we say bewondered, blundering
on,
expecting edit rights, extend throo wow, how long
today is our anniversary and for this guy, I never
learned, as in when it may have done a lot
of good
to think you imagined I kept breathing, remembering
to breathe, and truly trusting sleep in peace,
what's conceivably real,
old guy's serving what purpose, if not thinking

mere, what ifery, mind you we form, inform
just enough turbulence to take a breath a while
to suggest// a [aipause. yes

Question life. Who owns you?
Open your mind like a box,
Pandora’s box of secrets
And lies, and midnight thoughts.

Like you actually care.
Gardens without water thrive wild.
Walled gardens in their
Own world,
They worship a god of silence.

And you look like you want to be something.
Sitting in coffee shops
Staring at the rain gets you nowhere.
Do you like your lukewarm smiles and drinks?
Triathlons through wet cement?

Why do you do this to yourself?
Feelings stuck in snow globes,
Show your love to Mother Nature
Because you are locked out
Of your house.
Notebooks filled with numbers,
Budgeting time like you pretend to budget money.
Act like every second counts and spend
Fifty dollars behind your own back.

Tap your nails on something because
You’re nervous.
One day your nails will drill through this table,
Holes the size and shape of your regret.

Bathe in gold glitter and rose petals to mask
Your shame, replacing insecurities with
New clothes only works in movies.
Set your lock screen to a default picture
So no one really knows who you are.
Paint your nails a color
That doesn’t remind you to care,
Like everything else does.

Take a deep breath and tell the truth.
It’s buried under stacks of papers,
Impossible to find,
But the truth is the most important lie
You’ll ever will into existence.

Every year I can’t comprehend another quarter
I anxiously await and loftily avoid the thought of-
Pounce on every forgetful ray to-
Release hot air in defiance of-
The sterile spray of the other side of the coin

The ashes born of Ares’ antithesis clings to my arm as if to slow me
Calm me-
Yawn me-
As if the earth longs to all together toss probability
Budgeting all the uncertainties of life

Finding stability in the isolation of population is what it seeks to do
And I am sure of it
I am one with it
And in my hatred all I view is the sky filled with static

Particles and the ever-certain participles scattering on my lawn
But it’s lonesome-
And how it is cold-
Without the midsummer clammer I find myself in scrutable control

I can’t rid my head of the pervasive interference
Is it no more than I can avoid that the-
I can’t absolve blame if the-
Equinox persuasion is the fray and rein of my of control?

Maintaining to maintain stability while slightly overwhelmed, over thinking, and over budgeting, but these burdens aren't the end of the world, right??  Confidence, it seems, has been dwindling as of late.
Even in my dreams there is need for me to Buck the f#ck up.
Must Be a perfect Buttercup..
I cannot allow this superficial madness to weaken an already compromised state of health.
Some Vitamin C if you please?
Some more Tea? Perhaps Pass me the Honey.
Haven't thou time to sit and mend any more wound of these wounDs?
Gaping flesh has been cauteriized and it seems no lingering infection remains.
However, Hindsight only clears up the front facing views!
Both eyes open.
Pay attention to the Signs.
Objects and objectives may be closer than then they appear in the reflective inner scope of the mind.
I'm Getting back my 20/20.
Working More, must have money.
I just need to get through this Two thousand folded Eight teen.
Some days feel like Sparta, deep within the Lions den of ones soul. The Swords are drawn, a large crowd circles near and I have nothing left to fear. For I have Faith and much strength within this mind!
I am Ring Master Renegade, undefeated through this life's twisted charade.
The dust finally settles, the silent crowd grows still, And I live to fight another day.. .. .

A careful kind of coward,
we pretend to be calm,
budgeting our secrets
like money or time,
waiting for some weather
or high holy eyes,
to take down the china,
to feast on each other.

It has been a whole decade since 2012
the year that I will always remember;
not for the mad claims that the world would end,
for me it near enough did well in my head
and rather fill me with dread and fear,  
I stopped sleeping so well at night,
I would get horrible frights.
This was the year things went wrong;
I was so young at the time only 21 and I had just suffered ****** abuse for the first time; I was in denial, angry and confused for such a long time;
I started being a heavy alcohol drinker,
to help me to forget the horror and sleep at night;
it never really helped and the dreams
were too vivid and real to erase.  
I was running away from my problems,
at the same time felt trapped and no where else to go.
I almost failed my degree that year I was given
another chance to redeem myself
and graduated with a decent 2.2 in 2013
the damage had already begun.

However other than graduating Uni there
was some positivity in 2012.  
I met some great creative people who really opened my heart
to new experiences started doing poetry open mic
I met my now soul mate for the first time
we didn't connect romantically to begin with
we did both exchanged smiles
and have now been together for 4 years
with a 3 year old child;
we didn't connect for a good while after 2012:
we did find each other again  on social media
and the love from there has really grown:
before this could all happen
someone else came into my life first,
the guy was a troubled soul and we weren't
the best for each other pushing each other
often on the wrong path
we were better as good friends
and that's what me and him should have been
we were always having a laugh;
he loved to play drums,
I love to write but I loved listening to music too
I wanted his band to do well and play gigs
taking an active interest and filming their band practices.  
Things got in the way and took an u turn for the worst
and didn't go always go as planned,
with not knowing what to do next  
he just took the destructive path
same as me as I didn't know where I was
going with my life  anymore too.

I was struggling to find a job;
no one would give me that chance;
in an job interview I was socially awkward
and different to a lot of other people;
I was confused where I
would fit in the workplace.
I had some identity and trauma issues
which had clouded my judgement
and were affecting my logical thinking
at the time; now in the last 10 years
my thinking has been much more clear
down to quitting alcohol, finding my soul mate
and being a mum to Sophie and I'm now on the ADHD meds
which I wished I had been on sooner as they really
help to improve my life every day for the better
things have equally been a lot harder.  

I have finally sorted out my ****** trauma
and no longer running away in denial
instead confronted the man that did it to me
and removed him out of my life forever
the bad memories no longer controls my life.
I can now sleep a bit better at night.  
Sleep is something I am having to work on
but I am getting a bit better at it every day  

I worked out some of my identity issues in my head too
and accepting as difficult as things can be
that things are what they are  but I have
the moral support I need.

I have no idea of any career path yet,
just working towards my life calling and goal of
being the best mummy I can be and
learning my life skills, budgeting, cooking poetry, coloring  
and singing for the time being.

I'm sure there would be work out there foe me  
with the right support and encouragement in place
when I can finally figure it all out in my head
for now I'm really happy the way things are.


I've given up alcohol, sugary drinks and coffee  
and now eating and drinking more healthily too.  
Dispite having health issues over the last 2 years,
with my cyst and having to go
for a op for pre cancer treatment.  
I told everyone it was never anyone's fault
even those partially that felt guilty and responsible
a lot of these were just my bad choices in life.  
I have to accept some responsibility
and live with some of the consequences.

I can say now I am recovering and will get better again
the main thing is I can tell everyone that
I'm a survivor and doing the best I can.

I still have lots of passion in me
I can tell my tale and want to help people
that have gone through this kind of hell.

I  am me and now free from
the curse which was 2012.

Lawrence Hall, HSG
Mhall46184@aol.com

                             The Bond Girls are Grannies Now

James Bond’s girlfriends are mostly grannies now
Sweatpants and sneaks instead of bikinis
The school run with the grandchildren, the grocery store
Volunteering at the public library

If one of them mentions that she once kissed Roger Moore
No one knows who he was – the Lone Ranger, maybe?
Adolescent hippie-color fantasies
Budgeting for the little kids’ new shoes

Didn’t you used to be somebody?
Well, yes - and you?