I'm allways here for you
I may not be the best
I may not be the easiest to get along with
I may not be your first choice
My love is allways here for you

I'm allways here for you
I mess up a lot
I say the wrong things
I don't allways think
Sometimes I think too much
I might not be the best
My love is allways here for you

I'm allways here for you
Im not the smartest
Im not the hottest
Im not the strongest
Im not the fastest
I'm not the best
My love is allways here for you

I'm allways here for you
I'm not the best
I mess up a lot
But I'm allways here,
And I will allways love you

From a kid who tries

I hate my heart
It keeps tallies of those it's come in contact with
it never forgets
it always lives in every moment of its existence
there is no past present or future in my heart
it is disillusioned
it allways loves
allways hurts
allways trusts
but never knows how to be unforgiving
I hate my heart
it is blind
it allways feels
it controlls my very being
It allways leads
it allways fights
It loves the fleeting
I hate my heart
because it never stops
and when it does
I will find peace in feeling nothing

When I was 12

I cut for the frist time I used this little
sharp thing that came in this manicure set
I don't know why I did it but I can remember
my hand hanging over the bathroom sink little drips of blood falling from me I staired in to space I can still feel that dead feeling
Latter that year I cut in front of my friend I did not think she was looking, she **** my hand and " oh my god, dude did you just make that happen?" I should be I shamed I would be now, but then I think I may have been proud, it got worst I cut everyday
mostly my hands. One day my older brother
asked what happen to my hands I said his cat had scratch me
a really bad lie cuz rocko would never hurt a fly,
and he new cuz he told my mom right there and then
Ma, I think she's cuting herself, I was so panic that I don't even remember what she said, but I did not stop
mouths later I think it was in Jan of 2001
I was at my sisters house and I must have had a scrach or scar showing
I reamber what she said, my hand are shaking tyeping it,
"Why are you cutting you're self little *******!, you know that bring the devil he likes that!, little did I know those would be that last words she ever said to me cuz she died in feb that same year
and know it's crazy but part of me will allways blame me and my cutting,
and i still think of her when I cut, I don't have to tell you that did not stop me,

whene I was 13

I don't think I cut much wich is do odd cuz it was the worst time in my life, insted I dressed like a ****, got drunk, talk back to my famliy and messed aroung with grown up guys,  and started writeing poetry
but I never cut.

Whene I was 14

god that was I really bad bad time I'm pretty shore I was crazy
I was convosed about my sexuality and gender,
i shaved my head started dressing as crazy as possibal maybe get ppl to look at me, maybe to scare them away I don't know.
but I cut, I cut I LOT! I can remember locking myself in the basement with my KORN and SLIPKNOT CDs turned up so load no one can hear my cry, I craved an anarcy symble in my lag, and fell asleep on the liveing room couch, my mom saw it and freaked out, she asked me if I was crazy?, gay?, if it hurt?, all I did was turn over and go back to sleep.

When I was 15

everyone just knew I was crazy, I cut be with the head to toe black
dog colers and books on the cruch of Satan no one really nodest, but I knew, it was takeing over my life, I had so meny cut on my arms that
ther was not a part of my skin that was not scabed red or swollen
but I did not stop.

When I was 16

I lot of things about me chanched at 16
but it was hard to say what they where
i remember one day I staired in the mirror so long
I could not stand mr face and more I was enraged
I was allwas sad, but now it was anger I did not want to see
any part of me or my life any more a hated it all so much
I tryed to blind me self, with narr hair remover, I put in to my eyes
it was the worst pain I ever felth, and when everything started to look gray I was scard and for the frist time sents my sisters death
I prayed to god not elfs or the vampire ruler
but god, and it stop the bruning the grayness stoped
and from that the I never said I did not believe in god, you can call me crazy, but I think I should'ev been blind.
but I never stoped cutting,
just mouths layer in the summer I can remember
being dressed like a latex dominatress, I craved the word nothing in my hand that word ment a lot to me it was my seventh name
I never thoght anyone nodest but when I came home one day
2 of my 3 brothers and my mom where waiting like an intervention
they asked me why?, what does it mean?, my father asked if I " really worship the devil?" I just said I do it cuz I'm crazy and never said anouther word,  but I did not stop cutting.

When I was 17

my life was sleep cutting and poetry and nothing more,
I lived in razor blades and notbooks, I can remember one day I had 2 cuts on my arm my uper arm, but I must have forgot cuz I did not
where a swater to the dinner table, my brother the same brother
that nodest when I was 12 got up in a rage and went in to the ketchen with my mom and was yelling at her " did you see the cuts?, did you see thies ******* cuts, he did not think I heard no one did but that mead my cry so hard, I'm and will allways protective of my mom, I hated that she was getting yelled at for something I did, but than she starting blameing everyone but me, I craved a heart in to my hand and she went if in my neice say "did you see her do this?"
now my cuting was everyone pain
but I did not stop

when I was 18

I did not cut as much but whene I did it was bad
I used broken glass it was my favoret, and I cut placeing
that never showed, when I  was dressed,
and I looked normle just like anyone els
nothing dark of freaky about me but if you saw me
naked I was a masacare
and I did not stop.

When I was 19

I had a hole deffrent feeling like nothing I did
was good enough, I'm not like everyone els my
age, I allwas had this thing where when ever u was outside
and someone laughed I thought it was about me
if they looked at me it was cuz I'm ugly
or just a freak, at this time it was worst
cuz I realize not much has chanched in my life.
I got my shoulder once I was one my computer
and my dad asked what happend I said I got cut when I was
moving things in my room all he said oh I thought
you where doing something weird, talk about being the last to know.

When I was 20

I only cut twice that year, And my mom seemed to think about it more that me but in a defforent way "what are you gunna do with those scars?"
shed allways say, still does no mans gonna wanna marry someone with
unexplainable scars on her body, I allways found that shallow
and cold but I did not completly stop cuting.

When I was 21

I had an inter deffrent soul or at lest a new mask
in lost wight, trund blond, for the longest time replaced
poetry with make up, try to perfect most ppl thought I was
even me, I was bublelie that girl who laughed really loud
with butterflys in my bedroom and boys on my cell phone
mirrors and make up, it kinda the new obession cuz I can feel it taken over, and no one knows it  they will never guess it
but I did not stop cuting

now i'm 22 years olds

sometimes I feel so fake I wanna scream,
I don't reconize me anymore, but I never like me anyway
I can't understand how I can want those feeling back?
I mead so long, how can I just stop?
Cuting is part of me, as much as I want it gone
then why did cry so much, more then the blood
why do I feel so worthless saying
I did not stop cutting...

i feel so alone
i feel like i have no one
i feel like no body really cares about me
i feel like i have no connection to anyone
i feel like no one understands me
i feel like no one really knows me
i feel unloved and unlovable
i feel like i hate myself
im allways the outcast
allways the weird one
allways the ugly one
allways the one who's off
no matter what clothes i wear
no matter how much make up i put on
no matter how many time i staighten my hair
no matter how much i try to be social
no matter how funny i try to be
no matter how much i do of anything
i am allways me and that is never enough
i wish i was someone else
or atleast a better me
i never thought i'd still be feeling like this at 20 years old but i do and it makes me that much more disapointed in myself..

she sat on the rocking horse
wearing the soldiers coat he had thrown to her as
he rode away into the smoke and thunder of battle
she pulled it tight to her
like it was a part of him

she had come down from the
north towns to make a new life
in mysterious places with
romantic sounding names

but she lost her money in the river town
and fell in with some dark men
who tried to make her take up in the
***** house
but just as they lead her down
a fair haired lad looking handsome
in his soldiers uniform heard her cries
and saved her

the intensity of her beauty
and the sweetness of her heart
so enchanted him
he asked her to be his wife
he was so wonderful and handsome
she said yes

but a soldiers life called him
to battle and as he rode off
into the smoke and thunder
our precocious girl
sat on the rocking horse
and sang a sweet song
for he had rescued her
in every way a person can be saved
and she was going to be his wife

so careful young maidens
of these carefree wanderings you take
for it was a bright day for her
it is not allways such
take care is all i ask
for the world dose not allways
favour the fair

When I die
I don't care what happens to my body
throw ashes in the air, scatter 'em in East River
bury an urn in Elizabeth New Jersey, B'nai Israel Cemetery
But l want a big funeral
St. Patrick's Cathedral, St. Mark's Church, the largest synagogue in
        Manhattan
First, there's family, brother, nephews, spry aged Edith stepmother
        96, Aunt Honey from old Newark,
Doctor Joel, cousin Mindy, brother Gene one eyed one ear'd, sister-
        in-law blonde Connie, five nephews, stepbrothers & sisters
        their grandchildren,
companion Peter Orlovsky, caretakers Rosenthal & Hale, Bill Morgan--
Next, teacher Trungpa Vajracharya's ghost mind, Gelek Rinpoche,
        there Sakyong Mipham, Dalai Lama alert, chance visiting
        America, Satchitananda Swami
Shivananda, Dehorahava Baba, Karmapa XVI, Dudjom Rinpoche,
        Katagiri & Suzuki Roshi's phantoms
Baker, Whalen, Daido Loorie, Qwong, Frail White-haired Kapleau
        Roshis, Lama Tarchen --
Then, most important, lovers over half-century
Dozens, a hundred, more, older fellows bald & rich
young boys met naked recently in bed, crowds surprised to see each
        other, innumerable, intimate, exchanging memories
"He taught me to meditate, now I'm an old veteran of the thousand
        day retreat --"
"I played music on subway platforms, I'm straight but loved him he
        loved me"
"I felt more love from him at 19 than ever from anyone"
"We'd lie under covers gossip, read my poetry, hug & kiss belly to belly
        arms round each other"
"I'd always get into his bed with underwear on & by morning my
        skivvies would be on the floor"
"Japanese, always wanted take it up my *** with a master"
"We'd talk all night about Kerouac & Cassady sit Buddhalike then
        sleep in his captain's bed."
"He seemed to need so much affection, a shame not to make him happy"
"I was lonely never in bed **** with anyone before, he was so gentle my
        stomach
shuddered when he traced his finger along my abdomen ****** to hips-- "
"All I did was lay back eyes closed, he'd bring me to come with mouth
        & fingers along my waist"
"He gave great head"
So there be gossip from loves of 1948, ghost of Neal Cassady commin-
        gling with flesh and youthful blood of 1997
and surprise -- "You too? But I thought you were straight!"
"I am but Ginsberg an exception, for some reason he pleased me."
"I forgot whether I was straight gay queer or funny, was myself, tender
        and affectionate to be kissed on the top of my head,
my forehead throat heart & solar plexus, mid-belly. on my *****,
        tickled with his tongue my behind"
"I loved the way he'd recite 'But at my back allways hear/ time's winged
        chariot hurrying near,' heads together, eye to eye, on a
        pillow --"
Among lovers one handsome youth straggling the rear
"I studied his poetry class, 17 year-old kid, ran some errands to his
        walk-up flat,
seduced me didn't want to, made me come, went home, never saw him
        again never wanted to... "
"He couldn't get it up but loved me," "A clean old man." "He made
        sure I came first"
This the crowd most surprised proud at ceremonial place of honor--
Then poets & musicians -- college boys' grunge bands -- age-old rock
        star Beatles, faithful guitar accompanists, gay classical con-
        ductors, unknown high Jazz music composers, funky trum-
        peters, bowed bass & french horn black geniuses, folksinger
        fiddlers with dobro tamborine harmonica mandolin auto-
        harp pennywhistles & kazoos
Next, artist Italian romantic realists schooled in mystic 60's India,
        Late fauve Tuscan painter-poets, Classic draftsman *****-
        chusets surreal jackanapes with continental wives, poverty
        sketchbook gesso oil watercolor masters from American
        provinces
Then highschool teachers, lonely Irish librarians, delicate biblio-
        philes, *** liberation troops nay armies, ladies of either ***
"I met him dozens of times he never remembered my name I loved
        him anyway, true artist"
"Nervous breakdown after menopause, his poetry humor saved me
        from suicide hospitals"
"Charmant, genius with modest manners, washed sink, dishes my
        studio guest a week in Budapest"
Thousands of readers, "Howl changed my life in Libertyville Illinois"
"I saw him read Montclair State Teachers College decided be a poet-- "
"He turned me on, I started with garage rock sang my songs in Kansas
        City"
"Kaddish made me weep for myself & father alive in Nevada City"
"Father Death comforted me when my sister died Boston l982"
"I read what he said in a newsmagazine, blew my mind, realized
        others like me out there"
Deaf & Dumb bards with hand signing quick brilliant gestures
Then Journalists, editors's secretaries, agents, portraitists & photo-
        graphy aficionados, rock critics, cultured laborors, cultural
        historians come to witness the historic funeral
Super-fans, poetasters, aging Beatnicks & Deadheads, autograph-
        hunters, distinguished paparazzi, intelligent gawkers
Everyone knew they were part of 'History" except the deceased
who never knew exactly what was happening even when I was alive

                                                February 22, 1997

Multi faceted with a window's view.

Your emotions held deep beneath the reflective panes.
Your eyes light bright in their hollow essence
- and childlike grins chase this wonder.

Your love is the Moonlight.

Pushing and pulling your passion speaks waves against my insecurities,
breaking them down into something beautiful.
I met you in my dreams before your eyes aligned with mine.
Intertwined.

All that matters is that im trying?
As long as im giving effort?
As long as it's on my mind?!
Trying is pointless!
If you never achieve anything
You will allways be stuck trying.

I tried to speak up
I tried to tell you
I tried to hold your hand
I tried to hug you
I tried to make you happy
I tried to say i love you
I tried to write a poem
I tried to kiss you
I tried to try harder.....
I tried....
And the worst is that you will never know how much iv tried
Because trying is all iv ever done.

why , why cant you just realize that i love you? ,
why cant you just realize you could be the one for me ?
why cant you see that we belong together
with out wanted you i dont know what i will do?
but most of all just remember that i will allways love you!

Fear is on my mind
Thinking about whats on in life
Never stop thinking about the reaper
Who he gonna ****** next
My life is a mix of depts
Plus im never really up to something
Ima go help the world thats exciting
My momma told me show no fear
Wait till I tell her what i make a year
No wonder my brothers choose the savage life
I cant even pay my fines
Starting to feel like theres no love
My only wish is to make it rico
Allways regret the things I do
Never really stoped feeling like a tool
I'll never make myself happy
My minds like a wheel of fortune
Allways lands on depressed
Ive been feeling like a fool
Maybe I cant make it here
Someone said stop that youll regret it
Made me feel like a hundred bentlys
Want to stop the gates and shut the doors but the things are allready on the floor
All my friends just turned away
This all made me raise the stakes
Shut the door
Im alone
Thats what I allways hate

When i was a kid they told me i was not so normal
I couldnt understand why so many people looked at me so funny
Like as if I werent even formal
Growing up they gave me the nick name bunny
I was as smart as i was quick
Allways did things like a dart
But as people began to know me they ran saying I was sick
Some said I was mental
So I began to be real slick
Started robbing when i was nine
Because my dad left me at the age of five
Momma allways told me look at the world and tell it everytime you can
Im a fine man
And i cant be knocked about
So I steped up and made every dream come true
Even though many told me to kick the can
I said look at me now I drew the plan
But even though I was a success
I knew throughout the years i was still so so sick
Then one night after 2 or 3 shots
I came down felling I was blessed
But the anger that was in me would never really rest
I made bullet holes through the walls that went chick chick chick
I will allways be crazy inside

We never hang out anymore
your allways with her
has she replaced me
as your true bestie
apparantly because when
she calls you run

We never talk anymore
We used to share everything
we used to share secrets
we used to  share jokes
but when she's here you go

We used to be like sisters
We used to stay up all night
We knew each other so well
we started off so beutiful
but when she says sister your gone with no words*

we arnt best friends anymore
like the wind she swept you away
that best friend stealer she made you go away
like a river she drowned you in lies
like the flu she spread rumors of me
and you listend
I miss MY EX-BEST FRIEND

my spine is bruised
with lonelyness
time and company will heal it

part of it will never go
it will allways be my sensitive spot
i will allways remember
who caused my pain

This poem is for my friend.......
When I see your eyes you can't hide it there's no surprise, theres an emptiness like when you realize you missed your last sunrise
the way you look at life with many y's, and the way you bleed your crys like sky's of rain,
I know where it comes from, it comes from the fears of the tears thru the years of a broken heart with pain.
from the birth of a flower to the moment it dies all the highs and lows,
You say no one knows but I do know how life goes
one look at my life and it shows,
I wrote this because it's more then words it's from the heart, something 15 years over due from the start,
And the truth is there's no verse that can express how I feel for you in this rhyme!
And what's worse is the older we get the less time!!
So Before I say thank you to you I'm gonna say sorry, sorry for not being there when you needed it!
And for the man who thought it would be better to give up and forfit,
Maybe run away cause he dont deserve it, losed many friends I'd like to say jus being your friend was worth it, To me whatever you are is perfect

It's hard to see you hurting because I'm your friend and I feel it!
Even when we first met we know it was real ****!
And sometimes it takes a friend to remind a friend,
that to some friends and a little girl  he's still a king and he's not alone! I'll always be beside you till you get that throne
Im not the best at writing poetry but this is for David Johnson my friend and in the end you'll win
There's allways angels willing to help because it's allways a life of sin  

They come in many forms and sizes from a past mother or father
To a beuatifull little daughter that loves and adores you like no other,
from a long life friend who's more proud to call you a brother

And even tho I have no place to say on behave of everybody sitting in the clouds above
You will allways have my respect and   Considerd my brother much love

I allways try to care, at the wrong time
I'm trying to be there, but you're stopping me

I'm just trying to help

I will offer you hugs to make you feel a little bit better, but you don't pay attention

I'm just trying to help

Why should I even bother anymore
All you do is push me down
All you do is push me aside

I'm just trying to help

Hand in hand
Two star's fell from the sky's,
I know they did
Because i see them in your eyes,
Twinkling brightly
Together as one,
They stayed together
As they past the sun,
It was not long
Before they past the moon,
Shine whispered to sparkle
We will both be there soon,
Remember when we land
What ever you do,
Don't forget about me
For I will never forget about you,
I want to keep on falling
I don't want to Land,
Don't you worry sparkle
For we will be hand in hand,
I will always be near
I'll never let go,
I love you sparkle
And this I hope you know,
And to his word
Shine stayed true,
I will hold on tight sparkle
This I will always
and for ever do,
We are there my love
We fell up on the Sand,
I know said she
For I held on to your hand,
I know this story to be true,
Because my love
you Will allways Have me
And i will allways have you,
               DAVID LLOYD. O.W.

All the years Ive invested in our relationship
Now its just a sinking ship.
Everything Ive given, tried as hard as I know how.
All weve done and we still cant work it out.
She calls on the phone, Hear the steady drone.
Havent heard from her in weeks.
Where are you?
Are you sleeping with some other woman?
I told her if she acused me again then were done.
I cant do this anymore, its not fair to eather of us.
Its not fair to her.
All I gotta do is get a job and a place,
then everything will be back to normal.
But Ive had the job, the place to live, Ive given all I know to give.
There must be something more I can do, I cant hit the floor, I cant loose you.
I am, I have, its to late.
My mistake of the past of come to haunt me here, this is all a lie, I cant hold on, its all gone.
Cant loose you, cant loose me. If I loose me dont know what I will become in here.
Let me show you whats in here.
Let you know my fear, let you see my pain.
Though I tried in vain, tears fall loike rain.
Cant stop this love in my heart for this dove for whom I fall apart.
Though the years Ive come to know her fears.
Through the time Ive come to do the crime.
No matter what I say its the same everyday.
No matter what I do its all the same to you.
Through hers fears Ive come to taste her salty tears.
Through my life Ive come to cause her strife.
No matter what I know I cant ever go.
No matter what her gain I still cause her pain.
Even though I cant hide I still have to face my pride.
Even though I cant run still gotta stick to my gun.
I said the vow now I gotta figure how to make it work feel like such a ****.
Who am I trying to fool, who am I trying to school.
Cant tell me a **** thing Im allways rite.
My whole life is just a lie and Im allways wrong.
I know that now yet somehow Ive got to rite the wrongs Ive caused to those I love.
Knowing Im wrong doesnt make what Ive done rite and it dont make it none the easier for her.

Broken highways in the night

have allways been the benchmark of my travels

the count of the hordes of empty eyes

climbs as the tally of things iv abandon on the way is forrgotten



Once i a while it will come to me suddenly

of some small thing

some trinklet that

i prized so much

that some crawling thief made away with

If nice guys finish last, then call me an *******. Im done being the nice guy, im done playing that role. Because society doesnt care if you can save the human race. All they seem to care about is stuffing their own face. With fast food, and expensive gifts, with cool gadgets and lavish trips. This world is selfish and does not care for you, so you might as well loose the nice guy attitude. Your friends may say they like your nice guy ways. But lets be honest, love and affection cant get you recognition and fame. Life is cold, life is bleak. Like having no paddles going up a muddy creak. Love is blind, so you will never find, that special someone, that someone to call mine. So why be nice, when no one cares. Why be nice, when life isnt fair. Why be nice, when no one sees you. Why be nice, when no one cares what you do. So call me and *******, call me a ****, call me a huge, monsterous *****. But dont call me the nice guy, you'll only make me sick. So here's some advice, if you want to get ahead in life. Forget about fairytale endings, forget about the lavish white weddings, forget about being nice and allways doing right. Cuz life ***** and blows, like a five dollar *****. So get use to those sores, cuz thats what lifes for. ******* you from behind, when you've been nothing but kind. Giving someone your heart, and getting nothing from start. Working your *** off for that spot, only to loose what you got. So **** it all, and **** my life. Get use to these phrases and get use your strifes. And get use to never being right. Cuz when life kicks in, you've already lost the fight!

playing every little game getting your hoodie pulled up. messing around. playing ***** pranks tourching me. when i try running she is allways in  the corner following you day and night. im lossing my mind i cant escape her claws that dig slowly deeper as she poles me down to the empty grave.im losing my mind i might be going insaine to the biggest part of the deepest hell. what is left there aint no where to run or hid cause she always knows where my next location is. this psych ***** has taken my life in to her own paranoya game she smuthered me till i can scream no more. every road i cant take cause shell drag with my claws dragging behind. this ****** ***** is making me go insaine with lossing control tearing up the floor. theres no escape from her grasp i think this is the day i know she will end my life

im going to snap from the claw marks that left ripps down my back!!


how many times have i ran idk cause this ******* crap has no road to meaning. i am running from a ****** ***** who cant get her little crush off me.


no place ti hide no place to speak

**** **** **** i cant escap from my ****** ex girl
but there is allways light at the end of the tunnel with a chance to survive




her mom told me her wall is covered in pictures of me in her closet more and more pictures she took with her phone. i dont know how to escape to the next town cause she is a shadow with a messed up twist she has t shirts and pants and every thing with my picture and name on it.

when she is at school she hands out patitions to get us back to gather.

im gone mad less every thing is she cant let go of me cause she is only attrakted to the freaky **** of me  theres no escape AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

shallow water reflections
light pouring over wood floor
seeping slowly over the clock
crisp notes of music cleanly flow
like whisps of firelight in the
cool close comfort of star filled night
the hearts gravity recalls the scent of a lover
the hearts child wanders the memory
simple lines spoken are the most complicated thoughts
and here in this unchanged room
the waiting is allways filled with faces
allways slow
the light that shines is cool white bulbs
has none of the depth of sunlight scattering slowly

daydream drift
the golden hue of her face
each thought peeled slowly from the grasp
each emotional tide moving in the moonlight mind
rushes out to a deep sea
a lost man adrift in the currents
of these strange days


shallow water reflections
each salt water kiss
each warm to the souls touch sandy beach
where stray grains catch in her unkempt hair
the clouds above horizon to horizon grey
swift breeze stirs a moment
then fades into the rustling fabric of leaves in the trees
a bird in its winged gait stumbles across the lawn
its shadow follows
cutting across the grass

Josue was a young boy growing up in a really ghetto part of town
When he was born his dad left his mom and he grew up without a father
At a young age while his brothers where all joining gangs and selling drugs he was getting academic awards at school
Even though his mom never really cared about any of his achievements or was never really there for him at all his aunt persuaded him to continue doing good
So it was from there on that he started getting good grades in every subject throughout elementary school
Josue gratuated the 5th grade with the highest honors
He promised his aunt he would grow up to be a good boy and not turn out like his brothers
But that didnt last long
His aunt died during his sixth grade year and he started living with his mother and his new step dad
Pretty soon he felt like he was a stranger in his own home
His step father started putting him down and threatening him meanwhile his mother didnt care
Teachers started to grade his assignments harshly because they didnt like him
At school he started hooking up with the wrong crowds
The lack of love and the accumulationo hatred made Josue take up bad habbits
Josue started ditching often and stealing occasionally
Soon he forgot all about his grades and achievements and started to drink and do drugs
After a while his mom kicked him out of the house
Soon later josue joined a gang and started dealing drugs
His life got bad after that
He started getting arrested often
Soon no one even came to visit him in prison then one day while he was serving a 5 year scentence a package arrived
It was a package from his aunt that would have been delivered approximatly 10 years after her death
Inside where old letters and achievements
Many of the things inside brought back memories of Josues youth
Soon he started crying and remembering everything
Then he found an important letter
An old letter it said " ill allways be good ill never do harm ill allways be yours aunty"
Josue swelled up with emotion
He started yelling and crying
He started punching the walls of his cell
He knew what he had done
He had become the man he never wanted to become
The guards took him to his cell
That afternoon Josue prayed for 2 hours
After he finished praying at midnight he hung himself
The next morning when the guards came in they picked up his suicide note
It said "I no longer wish to live. I broke a promise a promise that would have shaped my life a diffrent way. Now I have nothing to look forward too but death, so i decided to speed time up and go at midnight. The only one to blame foot suicide is the lack of love. Maybe if I just head mom there out would be diffrent. Maybe if there was something or someone to look after me out would have all been diffrent. I will soon be with the only person who brought joy love and passion into my life. Pray i make it to heaven amen"



This tragedy could have all been avoided with love. Give love not hate. Make this world a better place

What no ears have heard nor eyes have seen

Peppermills and pancakes
Love
like no other poetry
to perceive
the beauty
in life
in pain
in darkness
in sin

What no mind can see nor hearts can hear

The secret 
byways and highways 

Untold
Unkept
In allways 



I've not met you
I've not known

Yet,
in noways and nothing is everything in you.

The moon was just an illusion of a beautifull little girl, relaxing with wine and sigarettes, letting her mind go

Today is the day i finally fell in love, she was so beautiful, she was just enough

Its hard to save your heart. Its all gone now, youve torn myne apart. To save you was easier said than done

I shouldve known this feeling was well too kind. I allways knew this was coming but i had hope. In the back of my mind i had feelings to Elope.

This was our happy ever after, everthing you had is gone now, you were the star of the show, take a bow!

Eternity can fady away by the light if you know where to hide.
Little knowledge hides from the hall of pride.

This hall walking reaching for eternity

Goin on
to what
to who
to where
to you?

Just as my heart with love.
Nothingness with the heart,
but the mind.
Perception of your mind and brain connecting love with the heart

Kid me to the roundabout in thoughless manners.
Love making with eternity
seeking the mindless souls conjoined as one

Making sense breaking eternity
Time making to nothingness
Just as you thought
Your mind is the fumes of your tar black heart

Everyones going somewhere to be in eternity,
Are we in eternity not defining infinity
Justified with religiousness
Living in modernity

Be quiet
Be still
Open your eyes
See the people
Touch their souls
Crush it
Stepp on it
Smoke it
Live it

In the end of eternity
It will allways just be me
Touching the mind
Of where to be.

I have alot of things to remember
One of them was with you
You allways made me happy
I loved it when we went to the fair in september
And when we swam in the pool
I remember when we though obout you as a granny
There where times we would fight but it was allways cool
I loved the way you looked in those black tights
I miss being with you
I love these memorys of you
But I need to forget them soon

tiger, he was,
could not honestly,
tell you the breed...
he was a mispent afternoon's produce....
but by the stock of his body
and the smile on his face
some one's prize corgi,
was now in disgrace...

allways a smile and a little
yip-yap...
he was my childhood,
of running and jumping,
just because, we could.
the picking of blackberries,
the finding of mushrooms,
wandering along creeks
and afternoon naps,
with his soft furriness,
under my palm....

mottled through, ginger
and blue,
with an under-carriage,
supposedly white,
but more often muddy or dustily brown....

a co-conspirator of the highest degree....
would  sit under the table
and eat pumpkin for me.
but not the beans....
they made him smell...

his tongue so long and pink,
his ears ***** and mobile, tail was docked,
but his *** it did wag,
with such a unique style.

he was my childhood,
but then,
he was gone...
off to chase rabbits up
on the farm...

good boy tiger....good boy
you where my protector
with you i came to no harm...

life is not easy,
for me.................
and for you?? well...
its not allways gonna be crystal stairs
some times you will have to face some hard problems
and you will have hard stairs,
stair where you will get hurt a lot,
stairs with nails,
you will be cold,
and will need some one to get you warm
you will suffer in life!!!
but dont turn back,
allways look to the front,
and you will be proud of your self!!

Goodmorning death, I know you watch me as I sleep creeping ever closer from faults of my own. For most people you're scary but you just dont scare me anymore, maybe that's because you've never allowed me to be hurt, you've just taken away the ones who couldnt bear the pain anymore...

I woke up this morning and daydreamed about you, but in my dreams you're nothing like everyone pictures you, beautiful and glowing with calming yellow light surrounding, something told me I would never see your face until the day I do not wake but something else keeps telling me that day is not too far now...

You see: yesterday night I downed some pills and went for a run just to see what would happen, nothing, while my love was high as a kite I felt nothing and was craving the cold metal against my skin again, I talked with my best friend who I love like a sister and in the beginning I'd planned that to be the last time and it didnt hurt anymore, I told her more of my story and more of my dreams, and had to walk back to my steps to see my him fast asleep and had to put my love in the house because even as a grown man hes not strong enough to control himself half as well as me, so I told my sister (best friend) I'd be back, at this point I couldnt lie to her, shed allready woken up her parent and told me to come over when I hadn't been over in months because of this **** virus, I muted her and in the silence of the dark early morning I carved my thighs, wrist, and stomach and watched as the blood trickled down until the voice that echoes in my head told me that it was enough and I felt a wave of calm... after I got back yesterday, away from my sister and her family I just slept, I'd wake up and movement was too painful so I slept... I wake up this morning next to the man I call love and saw his sleeping face and he'll never know how I stroked his beard as I cried, because now, I'm sitting on the edge of a tub, with tears streaming my face because I dont wanna die but death seems so inviting, and i dont wanna live because life seems so terrifying.

I'm wrighting this because I'm not sure if it'll be the last thing I Wright, I doubt it,  I mean, even when people notice when I'm messed up all I can say is "dont worry, I'll get through it, I allways do right?" But after watching people you love die, losing countless homes, being ***** by an unbelievable number of men, going through years of physical and then mental abuse,and knowing I drive everyone I love away because of my illnesses...  I'm scared that I'll have to leave everyone I love behind, because that's the only reason I try anymore, I keep hearing people telling me to live for me but no one seems to understand how hard that can be when the only person/thing you dont care about is yourself...




I doubt anyone will read all of this, but just know that if you do, and this is my last wrighting, I want you to do this for me: LIVE.
To those being touched against your will, even if you aren't PHSYCALLY fighting back: That man/woman who touches you that terrifys you, **** telling family, **** telling friend, call 911 and tell them you're scared, I guarantee they'll protect you.
To those stuck in abusive family's: I know you love them sweetie but sometimes loving someone isnt allways enough to make them change, talk to another relative youd be comfortable staying with or take it directly to the police, it's not worth it to stay until you're 18 just to make them happy .

To those going through dealing with a friend/family member dying: I know it hurts baby but you're strong and you can do this, live for them and strive to keep their memory alive, and for those of you who feel as if they should feel something but dont (in relation to close people to you dying) dont feel guilty, everyone copes with things differently, but when you eventually have that moment of grief, dont hold onto it, breathe through it, scream, cry, just let it out, let it move through you and move on with your life.

To those of you with mental illness effecting your life in drastic ways or that just need someone to talk to: you can do it. I usually dont do this but theres going to be a user name for an Instagram account in the notes of this poem, that will be set up today, you're never alone, I promise. This will be a safe place for everyone who needs it, and it wont just be me replying, all the time, if youd rather talk to a female say so, if youd rather talk to a Male, say so, no matter what we will be here to help in any way we can, even if that is just being a ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on.

No matter what happens to me, this page will remain up. There will allways be SOMEONE here for you, were not therapists, were not doctors, were just people like you who at some point wished we had someone who would listen and lift our spirits.


I know I dont know you, but I'm here for you. Now and forever, all you have to do is reach out.

Love you guys! Till we meet in this world or the next, or connect through wrighting.