Your smell still lingers
on my ***** thoughts.

Stab me again
but now in my face
so I can see
the terrible mistake
I did
to let you in again
when I was fine
without you.

Falling down
a walking corpse
no sense at all
no sense in life
no sense in death
things should just vanish away
so you won't ask anything
anymore
for nothing
because nothing is real
as i am falling down
this river
of nothingness &
sinking into
the feeling of
despair
of having nothing else
to lose
but my dead flawed
skin
& ******
skinny bones.

Love, i'm wearing your t-shirt tonight
just to remember your smell
on my skin
with the smell
you've forgotten
forever.

The empty space within
you will never disappear while
you sit among the stars
and count every single one of
them.

We're made by stardust but
you can't eat the stars like
candies in the sky.
i thought you knew by then
when i was there
but you didn't.

That kind of people
who brings a storm into
your mind
as if the everlasting rain
wasn't enough already.

I tried to sleep again
this night
but you just couldn’t get away of my mind
my dreams turned into nightmares
and you laughed at me
till there was no more tear
left inside me
to shed
do you know how hard it is for me?
to see you laugh at my crying
to see you face me when I’m not
able to face myself
when i’m not able to face my own fate
my own mistakes
my own life
my own self.

It takes more than self loathing
to live the way i do.

I like to destroy things with
an anger
that only comes up
when the thing i really wish to
destroy is
myself.

The destruction is a struggle
but also a desire
and I long for it
more than I ever longed for
anything
in a lifetime.

I trust your poetry
but it says i'm better than i could ever imagine
and all i can think about it
is that
you are
the biggest
liar
alive.

I wish I was
something more than
what I dare to call
myself
because this body was
never hurt this much
because this mind was
never haunted this much
because those nightmares
once stopped when I
woke up
but since when I can recall
they last longer than
twenty four hours
and this is insane
am I this insane?
that doctor says I don't look that ill
the other says I should
go in the psych ward
the other says I'm in the control
while the other one says
the harm on my body means
I'm not the one in charge
any longer
am I insane yet?
I should call 911
but I'm afraid another doctor
will attempt to say what's
going on
inside myself
instead of asking me
what I'm feeling for real
or why these injuries are for
or why the empty stomach
keeps growling
won't you eat, my dear?
I say no
won't you take your meds, my dear?
I say why
won't you enjoy your life like a normal human being?
I ask why should I
since im in the border of sanity
way more on the side
of those ones
stuck between four walls
white bedsheets
and treated like kids
who forgot to take their medicines
at home
so now they need a special care
am I insane yet?
I wonder
but no one dares
to answer.

If i am about to open up my heart
to let it beat & bump
into my chest
then i'm about to let it flow
let it all flow
let the blood and thoughts and angst
just to set me free
of this excruciating pain
that is
to just let
my heart
alive.

It started like an itch inside my mind, but i couldn’t
just scratch it with my bare hands
so it came in the back of my head
how mad i get sometimes and
how incredibly angry i get sometimes
with myself
with this diseased mind of mine
and these bare limbs
just floating around in the air
stuck in myself
a walking scarred tissue
so i made that first great entrance
to welcome the blood flowing out
and waiting for that time
that never happens
should i stand a little more?
should I enter a bit deeper?
“hello, I’m an old friend, I’m a guest and I’m a host
of yours
so please welcome this person of mine
to be out of these lands forever.”
Maybe i could say that and
something would happen
but i could just make some eleven more openings
and watch myself bleeding
the very welcome
way out
that I think I
deserve.
Do i?
I’m not quite sure
but somehow i’ll discover
hopefully before they open this door
and find me drowned in my
own poisoned blood
just to see the light that
i've been told my whole life
and that never occurred to appear
for decades
and all i could do was wait
but now i'm running out of time.

I've been told I was the one
but I always managed to turn
into the first one
of many others
Am I of any good
or am I just that boring &
extensive chapter of that
one old book
on the dusty shelf on your
basement?
Sometimes I may be hard to read
I understand that,
but I would never leave you waiting
for a nonexistent plot
just to find out that
in the end,
I am still the same
sad & hard cover old book
lost in between many others
in that shelf
inside your mind.

I have nothing left for this dreadful world
but an empty shell
that wishes for its self-destruction to come
as soon as it's possible
like someone to step over them &
crack it up in tiny little pieces that could never be put together again.
There's nothing left of me to give & give in
to someone else,
but this overwhelming emptiness
that destroy all my inner voices &
that shuts them up for all eternity.
I'm sorry you could never hear them again,
but i'm also pleased that
you'll never have to listen to
these destructive thoughts
any minute longer.

It burdens me
i guess it's life
but then i think
it's only
myself
and every now & then
i have to get rid
of what's inside me
which means getting rid
of all the other selves
that insists on trying
to control my mind.

Being myself and
living this life
is just another version
of nothingness
of emptiness
of a void
where you're lost in
and can't see any future
but a dark path to follow,
hanging on a blind hope
that maybe you'll find yourself
that maybe you'll find someone
that maybe will be able to help you
but haven't you understood it yet?
you're the one who's got
the burden
to save your own
miserable life
inside or outside this void
life will be the same
darkness will rise
and will follow every step of yours
and maybe one day you'll realize
you don't even remember
how old you are
or how many years
you've been trapped inside
your little wicked & distorted mind
haven't you realized it yet?
is it my fault?
I don't think so
but it doesn't matter
a single bit
this void has made me
what I am today
after all, this is where
I've been in
a lifetime
with only a chance to escape
but I failed on life
and I've failed on death as well
is it my fault?
wait and you'll see.

I am what i am
I stay in my position until i can not
I am full of words inside me &
although you might think you have
you haven't seen anything like them before
I am full of stars & galaxies
and i'm here to tell you
you haven't been with anyone like me before
I live & i die many times a day
just to shine bright the next day
just to remind you
that i'm the one
who own myself
now & ever.

My tears are
reflecting in the
warmest pool of blood
ever poured out of my
veins.

I tried to be nice
i swear i did
but things
such like you
silently screams down my ear
to *******
as hard as i can.

Under the moon
i was waiting for you
under the moon
i was craving for you
under the moon
i was falling for you
under the moon
i was dying for you
but once
right under the moon
i died for you
and then, under the moon
i wished it was just you.

a pretty long time of nothingness

Yesterday was a failure
I couldn’t manage to cast our demons away
at once
You still think of me like a judge would?
I do not think it’s fair but it’s not unfair
at all
You could have been mine without a single gasp
You could just be the star that illuminates my
ego at night, while I try to bury
deep within myself
all those dreadful things
you’ve yelled at me once
but with the tranquility of a black wave
breaking upon my head
and spinning my thoughts around
and around and around
and I have chills only by thinking that
I could never get enough of
you at
all.

And then
you look at yourself in the mirror
for the third time
and say:
it smells like ***** still.

Silent as a wall
i hear you crying past 2am
silent as a wall
i keep on being your pillow
even when the one weeping
is me.

I'm sorry that
all that's left of
me
is this what
you point & call
waste of space and breath
i'm sorry
that i couldn't
agree more
with you.

I loved you in a way that
all my medicines would like me to
love them too
but your words have more
impact on me than all the
possible
overdoses
i could ever have.

Where to run
when the only door open
is the one that will destroy me
faster than i ever could
oh i wish it was possible,
i truly do.

The fire spreads while you touch me
gently
I know your lies, and i've known
all of them
for years
six years
i can see your odd blinking &
i can hear your trembling voice
when you say
you have to go back home
or to go back to your
stuff
with has nothing to do with me
and it's okay to try to protect
someone who's been hurting for
more than two decades
but it's not fair
to treat this person
as someone who's as weak & innocent
as a kid
that wouldn't know how to handle
the truth
i can be hurt & i know how to hurt people
and it can be dangerous
because i know where to put the
sharp words & leave no traces behind
but you're not me
and your lies have been as sharp
as my own words when used as a weapon
but i don't know if these
wounds will heal anytime soon
unlike when i am the one
who inflicts them myself
because i don't care if they will heal
because i wanted the pain
because i longed for the wound
to be open & reopened
as time passed by
but your lies are like a razorblade
slipping back & forth
through the same wound
you've inflicted on me
many years ago.

I'm looking at this blank paper
for at least half an hour
trying to put out
words
that i still haven't swallowed
but that won't come out
easily
as when i tried to speak with him
a few hours ago
and couldn't help
but yell at his
confused words
like an angry mother
who yells at her child
when they make mistakes
but you didn't
and now i'm staring at
this blank piece of
paper
trying to
apologize
for being stupid
and childish
like a kid
that makes mistakes over and over
and never stops
until they are left alone
in a room
grounded
lonely
mad
so they will think about
what they've done
and this blank piece of paper
feels like the corner
of a white room
and i'm locked up
and i can't speak
with you
because you're not here
to listen
to watch
to see me
crawling upon my own sharp words
and hurting myself
so i won't let them out again
so easily
anytime soon.

Destruction looks like a statue
and i'm here
staring at it
with the eyes of a child
when they see a brand new toy
even when they own it already.

I deserve the ****
but then i think i don't &
then the **** becomes worse &
now there's nothing you can do
to believe you didn't
deserve it.

I want to remember
what it feels like
to see my bones
reaching the sky
while i'm stuck in
this rotten pit bottom.

I haven't always been like this
once i was a girl
that didn't believe
in the possibility of love & all that comes with it
all the feelings & anxiety
all the smiles & cuddles
all the great moments shared
with someone
you truly care about &
would die for them to be happy
if you could,
although i know that most of the times
things aren't always marvelous
and to be honest, they seem to be
quite tough,
because sharing a life & yourself as a whole
with someone
isn't as easy as it seems
because people are not easy to deal with
because i'm not easy to deal with
and because you're also not easy to deal with
but for me, that's the trick of it all
if we were easy to deal with,
it wouldn't be so beautiful
all those times after a fight
when we try to be mad at each other
but we just can't
because the desire to see the other smiling again
is always bigger than any reason worth a fight
but even the reasons that aren't worth it,
brings a good yet so confusing feeling
about the need to fight
to confront each other
because then again
you're sharing some part of you
and it's a part that matters so much
that you just can't help keep it only to yourself
and that's why i love you
because you're difficult to deal with
and because you're the best person
i have ever got into a fight with,
and the pleasure of being this someone
is all mine.

I swear i saw you there
awaiting for something to happen
in the corner of my room
in the dark
alone
I could swear i saw you from the other side
I was near the window
the wind was blowing ******* the trees that night
I wasn’t afraid,
were you?
I could swear i saw claws moving underneath
your dark long cloak
i couldn’t see its color in the dark but
i’m pretty sure it was nothing
but black
like the sky in that cold night
like my mind, while sitting in the corner of the room
awaiting for you to come to me
and take me home.
i wasn’t afraid
and so weren’t you
for i was you – the night, the dark, the death
and death has no fear
but it can still feel the wind blowing from outside
the window
and it can hear words never spoken
so as you hear when you think
someone whispers
your name
at night.

You say hospital beds are
your home so
you can never leave them
without leaving a
part of you in there
but when i'm
with you, i miss that part
with all my heart
because it's about your heart
as well and i
can't be with you
when you're without
your heart
because i feel you're
not really there with me
like when you are around
hospital beds
but there's no such
thing inside me & i
feel you're
better off without
me as your medication but
i don't want to be anyone's medication
i wish i could be your
home but
i'm as cold as dark rainy streets
and not as warm as holspitals' white
bedsheets.

22/11/13

I write my poetry
for you
with the blood
shedding
from your throat.
Is this love
good enough
now?

All this angst & gloom
hollowing & hazing up my soul
i will never get free
still, i look
for some non existent
exit
from this living hell.

If only I knew
how to swim back
to the shore
I know
I would be dead anyway
because I don't belong here
nor there
or anywhere in this
wicked world.