stargazer: Favorites

Jul 2018 stargazer

Emmanuella

Me and my Imagination,
We have this relationship where it feeds my mind with delicacies so sweet,
So tender,
Unlike anything my eyes have seen, my ears heard,
My nose smelt, my tongue tasted,
My fingers felt.

It dishes out and dishes out and yet I turn its fruits away.
—No, I say to it. I will taste of you later. I have a million and one things to do.

"Like what?" It bellows.
"What else have you to do but set eyes on these things foreign and curious I show you?"
"What else have you to do but meet these characters,
the vulpine elegant, the kind troubled,
the frenzied queen, the servant king?"

"What else have you to do than trod through melting clouds,
Traipse through deep marshes,
Trek through a city as quiet and solemn as a graveyard
and rove through a spring that collapses into a vast, vast transparent sea?"

But I—

"But what!?"
"Are you afraid of me?
Do you not like these travels?
These adventures?
These strange and peculiar wonders!?"

I do but—

"Why do you forsake me?
You trap me!"

Please! Calm dow—

"No! You deprive me!
A thousand stories I have fixed,
A thousand you have thrashed.
If not you, my genius I want the world to know.
My worlds, the world to see!
My characters, man to meet!"

I cannot—

"Enough of you!
Bile, and tar,
and poison and weeds I add to the cauldron!
Mix, mix and steer!
To sicken your thoughts and dreams, day and night, I shall!
'til cold sweat breaks upon your forehead,
and fright amaze your mind 'til pen to paper you put!"

Because my Imagination has had quite enough of me.

#imagination #dialogue #procrastination #anger

Jul 2018 stargazer

Perfect's Noose.

Jul 2018 stargazer

Emmanuella

Perfect's Noose.

Gloom rocks back and forth in that old rickety chair,
Weaving a noose in her lap when Perfection draws near
Singing a song of cheer.

"Hello, Gloom!" he greets.
"Hello, Perfection." Gloom greets.
"What may I do for you today?"
"No, Gloom." Says Perfection,
"What may I do for you today?"

Gloom sighs. "Well,
Your fingers will do well to weave this noose for me,
Won't they?"

"Aye! They will!
They will knot a noose so fine and well
It will be the finest noose ever woven!"

"Well, yes,
I suppose so.
Here, the noose.
Have a seat,
While I go to snooze."

And upon getting the noose,
Perfection weaved...
And weaved...
And weaved...

"Curse it! No good!"
I must unravel this!"
And unravel this, he did.
And his fingers went to work a while.

"Ahhh...look! A piece of fiber!
If not perfect, I will be seen a fibber!
I'll weave this again!"

"And again!"

"And again!"

"Oh, no!
Not quite yet.
Argh! my brow has broken a sweat!"
Time and time I have spent!
Why will this noose not be perfect?"

"Oh, Gloom...
Her work imperfect be
And now mine alike.
Oh no...
I cry. I cry.
I'll tie this noose and die!"

#perfection #gloom #dialogue

Jul 2018 stargazer

Happy?

Jul 2018 stargazer

Emily

Happy?

I feel okay.
Happy even :)
And yet...
Sadness infests my mind like ants invading a house,
Small yet unwanted.

I just feel like right now I have everything I could ask for and yet I feel like something is missing.

#happy #sad #happiness #sadness

Jul 2018 stargazer

It's Nothing

Jul 2018 stargazer

Emily

It's Nothing

It was Monday when it happened, I had no ink in my pen.
I had just sat down and I had to get up again.
I guess I looked upset, someone asked, “Are you okay?”
I said, “I’m fine, it’s nothing,” and went about my day…

It was Tuesday when it happened, my microwave broke.
My food came out mushy and my kitchen filled with smoke.
I guess I looked upset, someone asked, “Are you okay?”
I said, “I’m fine, it’s nothing,” and went about my day…

It was Wednesday when it happened, the sky breathed snow.
I headed outside to shovel as the mounds began to grow.
I guess I looked upset, someone asked, “Are you okay?”
I said, “I’m fine, it’s nothing,” and went about my day…

It was Thursday when it happened, I had too much to drink.
I woke up sore and dizzy, my head too cloudy to think.
I guess I looked upset, someone asked, “Are you okay?”
I said, “I’m fine, it’s nothing,” and went about my day…

It was Friday when it happened, the day I crashed my car.
The air bag crushed my bones; the shattered glass gave me a scar.
I guess I looked upset, someone asked, “Are you okay?”
I said, “I’m fine, it’s nothing,” and went about my day…

It was Saturday when it happened, cancer befriended my aunt.
I visited her in the hospital, bringing balloons and a plant.
I guess I looked upset, someone asked, “Are you okay?”
I said, “I’m fine, it’s nothing,” and went about my day…

It was Sunday when it happened, I had the sweats and chills.
In attempt to fix my temperature, I took too many pills.
I guess I looked upset, someone asked, “Are you okay?”
I said, “I’m fine, it’s nothing,” and that was my last day.

#fine #nothing #okay #pain #sadness #pretending

Jul 2018 stargazer

Lunatic

Jul 2018 stargazer

Mahati

Lunatic

Pointlessly lying on the ground
as if it would help ease the pain
Pointlessly exercising in my room
thinking maybe i haven't moved enough today
Pointlessly trying to get more sleep
pointlessly doing pointless things
hoping to get rid of the pain
The pain that i know will **** me one day
The pain no-one knows where and why
so they pretend as if it was normal
And yet again i fall to be helpless
when comes the day
where i
cry on my knees begging
something or someone to stop the misery
Crying holding onto my legs
hiding my head and also
trying not to rip it off
because i would
just to stop the agony
that is "normal"
When the pain comes
I look like a lunatic
It's not my fault
It's the society

#uncomfortable #pain #lunatic

Jul 2018 stargazer

What if....

Jul 2018 stargazer

Mateah

What if....

What if every little thought
That lives inside your head
Instead of hiding away in there
Was spoken out, was said?

Would you be embarrassed?
Would you hate your mouth?
Would you rather be mute
Than let the truth come out?

What if every little thing
That people thought of you
Instead of being tucked away
Was heard, was listened to?

Would you be ashamed?
Would you cover your ears?
Would you rather be deaf
Than let the truth come near?

And what if every image
That passes through your thoughts
Was freed from its prison
To roam until it rots?

Would you be disgusted?
Would you look away?
Would you rather be blind
Than see your thoughts at play?

#wow #think #whatif #mindblown

Jul 2018 stargazer

Why didn't you tell me?

Jul 2018 stargazer

Lily

Why didn't you tell me?

“Why didn't you tell me you were hurting?”
She asked, with tears in her eyes.
“I didn't want to burden you,”
He answered quietly,
His eyes boring a hole in the ground.
What he really wanted to say was,
“I wanted to see how long it took you to notice.”

#hurt #tears #love #burden #depression #selfharm #suicide #suicidal #relationship #why

Jul 2018 stargazer

Social Balance

Jul 2018 stargazer

Blake

Social Balance

I walk on a path of throats,
Winces of pain is the sound of gaining in the world.

To rise you have to make others fall.

#life #capitalism #throats #society #gaining #falling #people #community #happiness

Jul 2018 stargazer

Paper Cuts

Jul 2018 stargazer

Fritzi Melendez

Paper Cuts

Accidental paper cuts is where it starts.
You swiftly open your pink diary to write about the boy you fell in love with at recess.
It stings. Blood slowly drips. It stings. It’s so sudden and unwarranted.
You **** the blood and put a bandage on your finger and you write about your elementary school lover.

Drawn hearts around their names, or putting your first name in front of their last, it’s all your secrets.

They will never know.

You grow fast into middle school, where you encounter your first real heartbreak.
You once again swiftly open your pink diary out of heart broken tears falling from your eyes.
It stings. Blood slowly drips. It stings. It’s so sudden and unwarranted.
You **** the blood from your finger and put a bandage over your heart.

Scribble out the hearts, rip out his last name, cry silently into your pillow so no one can hear. Put on a mask in the morning until you are better. It’s all your secrets.

They will never know.

Fast forward to high school. Everyone is divided and different. People you once knew are once again memories. Lonesome days roaming hall ways. You tell yourself you’re used to it, but your mind thinks otherwise.
Once again, you swiftly open your pink diary to write about your boring day.
It stings. Blood slowly drips. It stings. It’s so sudden and unwarranted.
You **** the blood and put...
and p-...
and...
...
Put a razor against your skin.

Swiftly gliding it from left to right.
It stings. Blood slowly drips. It stings. It’s...

Amazing and exhilarating.

More. More. More.

Watch as I tear my arms into woven red spiderwebs.
Watch as I unravel this old bandage on my heart.
Watch as I show my vulnerability for just a moment.
I cant stop. I cant st op. The bleeding is n t stop ping.
I  c a n ' t  s t o-...
You put the razor down and look at the drips. you wash it off, throw away the bandages, put a sweater on and fall asleep. It's all your secrets.

They will never know.

It becomes a routine. Your pink diary begins to turn gray from dust. It doesn't help anymore. They put you on medications and therapy appointments, but you only get satisfaction opening your paper thin skin and watch as the lines well into pools of blood.

Drip.
                 Drip.
   Drip.

The sting in your arms is the only thing you can feel now. No one sees, it's all your secrets.

They will never know.

Never know...
What it's like to have this destructive addiction.
You see, I lied.
I knew the difference between paper cuts and razor blades when I was still learning long division.
It stopped being accidental after the first paper cut.
It began to be about glass shards on pale scrawny arms.
It began to be about long sleeves and pants instead of dresses.
It began to be about making excuses after excuses.

It's all my secrets.
They will never know.

... Never know until I cut one too many times.
Never know until my sleeves slide down my arms.
Never know until I puncture a vein.
Never know until I'm clinging onto lifeless pain.

It was all my secrets.
But eventually they knew.

They knew when pill bottles began to quickly empty.
They knew sweater weather was 6 months ago.
They knew the light in my eyes began to dim.
They knew I was suffering.

But I pushed them out.
Slammed the door and pulled down the sleeves.
Put on smiles and laugh like they do on TV.

Like an innocent child hiding paper cuts under bandages.
Growing into a ******* who finds solace in a razor.
Laughing at each tear that falls from my mother's face.
Door slams that just echo in my chest.
Digging more into my skin so I can just be put to rest.
This sweet, silent suffering is covered by a facade made of smiles.
But I still wince once in awhile.
It's just the cuts that rub against my inner side of my sleeves.

Reminding me of my dark thoughts.
Reminding myself of my weaknesses.
Reminding me of feeling something other than this numb orb,
that gnaws into every cell, ever nerve.
Up and down my arm until I feel the stinging static feeling.

Then I know it's time,
to start once again.
...
and...
It was all my secrets.
They weren't supposed to know.

I recently relapsed because I wanted to feel something. Can't say I regretted it.

#selfharm #depression #anxiety #suicide #cut #blood #razor #relapse #secrets #numb