I'm not that girl who always fits in,
the girl who always seems to belong.

I'm not that girl who people look up too,
the girl that everyone loves.                

I'm not that girl who is pretty,
the girl who got all the luck.

I'm not that girl who boys want to date,
The girl with so much charm.

I'm not that girl and I never will be...

I can't
          Explain it
                           But I'm just not happy...
                                                                       Ever

I can't help you if you don't want to help yourself.
                                                              
No matter how many times I wipe your tears away
Or tell you how beautiful you are.
                                                                
You have to want to hear it and stop crying.

No matter how much I try make you smile
Or hug you close.

You have to want to smile and embrace me back.

No matter how much I wish I could save you.

The only person that can do that is you...

I love you,and I'm so tired of being alone.

Today I woke up and all I wanted with my entire being was for someone to be there next to me to tickle my back.

That's all just someone to tickle my back.

Most days I'm totally okay with being alone but it's moments like this when I crave the company of another.

To be able to call them in the morning and ask them to come over for the day.
                                                                    
And lay in bed all day watching Disney movies wrapped up in each other, exchanging light kisses and inside jokes.

Because there is nothing better than having your back tickled and nothing worse than there being no one to do it.

When I hear someone say to someone
"You are what I live for" I don't find it cute. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone and how can your life be consumed by a single person.
Do you know what I live for...
Sunrises.
Ocean water running over my feet.
Laughter.
The morning dew.
The light in someone's eyes when you complement them.                                  
Hugs.
Sunsets.
I could go on forever and to be honest you're on my list.
But you don't need you to carry the burden of keeping me alive.
I live because I think life is beautiful and you are just one small fraction of its many wonders.

If I could go back in time and have a conversation with myself from 4 years ago I would in a heartbeat.

Not to warn her about anything or to tell her to do things differently but just to simply tell her that she is going to be ok.

Most of the things she is or will worry about work themselves out one way or another and that I am so proud of her

That its ok that she is different to the people she knows because she is going to meet people that like that about her people that make her laugh and smile instead of break her down

I just want to tell her everything is going to be alright because I know that's what she needs to hear

I don’t want to plaster on a ton  of make up to be told I'm beautiful
                                        
I want someone to look at me when im 100% me and say that they still love me

I want to be comfortable enough to get out the shower put on your hoodie and to have you still want me

The reason I have the make up, straight hair and tight clothing is because without all that fakeness someone would finally decide if they like me for me          

And I'm to scared to hear the answer

My bad dreams won't leave me alone these thoughts keep circling my sub conscious.

They wait till I'm most vulnerable to attack I can't relax not for a second.

If I do they are there screaming at me over and over again taunting me till I'm awoken in a cold sweat with tear stained cheeks.

I can't go back its too frightening so I sit huddled trying my hardest to  disappear.

Until the light shines through my widow and the screams soften slightly and I am forced to carry on till the next time I'm back in bed and the voices take over once again...

Please be happy.  
Your smile is beautiful            

Please dont cry.  
Just dry your eyes

Please dont leave me.
Because I wont survive without you
                                                              
P­lease dont lie.          
Because I want to trust you

Please look at me how you look at her.
Because it seems as if shes the only  ******* earth

Please hold me in your arms.
Because I want to fall alseep happy for once

Please never say good bye.
I cant take that pain

Please stay with me.
Forever and ever

Please be mine
Because I'm already your's

Please love me.
just please...love me

When I close my eyes all I see is you...

As I lie in bed I imagine you there with me, holding me while you slowly tickle my back with your heart beat and our shallow breaths the only sound I can hear.

I feel warm...safe
        
I just wish it wasn't a fantasy and you were really here with me ♡

I could look into your eyes for an eternity
    
Your deep blue eyes are the best part of my day

Those eyes make me believe that life is worth living

And that everything will be ok as long as they are directed at me

So please don't look at another, because I desperately want those eyes
To be set on mine...forever

So I have decided to be my own hero

Not because I'm a good role model
or someone to look up too

But because it will just be so much easier

My decisions won't shock me
nor will my actions

When we worship people like
John Lennon
Or
Kurt Cobain

The drug use seems so tragic
and the gunshots leave us terrified

But if its just me I won't be taken aback
By how much I have changed

And no one will care about what I do

Cuts on my wrists wouldn't be front page news and my failures will be forgotten and ignored

But most of all I think that if its me

I won't find the drug use that tragic

And the gun shots won't be that terrifying

We could do it you know

We could run away together and leave all of it behind

All the second thoughts all the outside opinions would vanish

We could just be together

We could spend everyday doing things that make us happy

There would be no expectations no moral obligations

Just us and what we want to do

We really could do it you know

But the question is...
Would you want to?

I knew it was wrong from the very start

I should have never let myself indulge
In this pathetic idea of us

But there I was, hoping to see you around the corner and when you were there my day suddenly had a purpose

I started to need you around and couldn't help but smile when you looked at me

I thought I had picked up on little hints from you.

That maybe you liked being around me as much as I liked being around you

That maybe you waited around the corner until I was there so you could "bump" into me

God I was such an idiot!

Of course none of it was true there were no hints, no waiting behind corners  

To be honest I'm embarrassed, you probably hated every second you were around me

This is why I don't let these sought of things happen to me but somehow you snuck  through the cracks in my armor

And I couldn't get you out

I really don't know why I expected any different

Especially from you...

I see you nearly every day and every times a curse
  
I see you with your judgmental smile and your eyes that cause people to flinch in pain

You walk around like your a giant in a world full of ants  

You trough people under the bus to get what you want, you dance in front of people so that you get every last drop of attention    

I guess its my fault for letting you get to me but I can't help it when I dance and you look at me I feel myself physically shrink

But what's sad is that once you've got that attention and you forced everyone into a black hole of insecurity

You have nothing left because all your so called "friends" hate you they speak to you out of pity.

And the sick thing is I end up feeling sorry for you and it makes me angry because you don't deserve that you deserve exactly what you've got.

And yet I find my self feeling sorry for you once again because your an empty shell and that's all you'll ever be

Mean... I hear this term a lot and I must say I'm getting pretty sick and tired of being told I'm mean.

So what if I'm sarcastic its a joke its never malicious

Yes I pull your leg sometimes but do you realize you do the same to me

What about the time I listened to you and your problems. Without mentioning anything about myself for hours

What about the time I dropped everything to help you. I didn't care about me or my plans you needed me and I was there.

But you have conveniently forgotten all of that.

Must be nice to have such a selective memory, I would love to have one but sadly I remember everything

I remember the time you were to busy to help me.

I remember how your problems are always greater than mine and that you can't listen to me for more than five minutes

Or the time you called me mean...
  
But its fine I don't mind being the bad guy because I know who I am and I won't change for anything

Because honestly dear your opinion is worthless to me now

And now you have full permission to call me mean

Because I'm defiantly not going to waist my time being nice to you ever again.

Today I told someone I hated my self...they laughed and said

"Your joking right, how could Jamie hate herself?"

And I had to bite my tongue because there was just so many answers that I could have given her

So many things I could point out to her but no one wants hear that so I laughed and walked away

Because she didn't really care no one does they just ask out of curtsy nothing else

They do not need my imperfections pointed out to them they can see them clearly when they look at me

So I smiled because that's what your suppose to do...

Right?