you really make me wonder
ALL of the time
how much you really love me
if it's all just an act
for a gain that I have not yet been able to place
but sometimes
i can imagine
usually though I freeze
a strange thing happens
possibly a defense mechanism
to protect me from a wonderful man
who may break me the way i've been broken before

I think the feeling of being truly alone
is what draws me
awake at 3am
no one speaks my name
comfort
a distance from the motion
serene
a certain stillness

Foolish
Really how did I not know
Every feeling I have towards you is a reflection of something within myself

Of course I don't trust you
I have nothing but doubt for myself
My own thoughts contradict one another
I'm afraid to be proud

I can't remember the last time I felt unabashedly proud
I can remember silently rejoicing straight faced after scoring a goal in a soccer game
Brushing off my teammates cheers and shouts

I can remember trying to let my friends know
I'm just a good test taker
That good grades don't equate to intelligence
Subtly depreciating my own source of pride

Too afraid to have ownership
Of any talent or skill
I'd rather halt progress than be granted attention
I'd rather lose all my skills than have superiors with high expectations

So you shouldn't expect me, really
To be capable of loving you
I'll give too much or too little
But I'll never quite be sure you really love me

I just want you
All of you
But not too much of you
Because I'm bad at giving

I'd hate to **** the life out of you
But I love having your energy present
My energy is dim
But brightens when you're around

I can't help but think I'm stealing your light
I can't offer much in return
I'm enjoying you
And you feel yourself emptying

We work well together
While we never scrape too far below the surface
We understand each other
Supportive and spacious

Perfect for someone like me
Who is afraid to get to close
Perfect for someone like you
Who knows he won't be able to stay

I wish I trusted you
We could be something
But I know you whisper lies to satisfy
You value feeling over truth

Everything is scattered
I pick up the pieces and leave you behind
'Keep your space'
A voice tells me

I miss you
I want you
Where are you
But stay the **** away

I am split
Two faced
Neither is true
Constantly pretending

You don't seem like yourself
She tells me
You don't know who I am
I rebut

Doubt lies beneath each word

In a war with myself
A battle in every choice
Who am I to share my thoughts
If I don't know what to think

I am empty
A useless vessel
Consuming precious resources
Taking space but giving nothing in return

Unproductive lazy boring

I could just go
Waste space no longer
It could be quick
Your recovery too

Afterwards the birds would sing
The sun would shine
Busses whir by
Clouds would come and go

Everything would be okay then

I want to lower myself onto you
Onto your tongue

I want to watch while you reach for me

I grab your hair
Feel
Feel
Feel me

I want to move with you
Unit I forget

Rise and fall
I try to stay quiet
But I don't care too much

Look at me
Not in my eyes
Watch when I take you
Watch my eyes roll
Watch my hips move

Kiss me
Kiss me please
Kiss my lips my chin my neck my chest my nips my
Please

I scroll
Mindless
Spineless
Pictures pass as time does

I know more of my own face
Than I do of my words
Who am I?
Is left unanswered
How do I look?
An exhaustive list
Complaints and room for improvement
Although my mind is a stronger tool
I grapple only with the superficial

But I was programmed this way
To judge others
Pictures
Likes
Trained to respond to the outside
Before exploring within

I hate to imagine what is becoming of us

I wish you knew the damage you've done
But you are so ignorant
Bliss
I only wanted to give you
At my expense
Often
I cared for you more than myself
Always
I felt guilty

If only I could explode like you
Is it cathartic?
What purpose does it serve?
You only hurt yourself
And me
And the wall
And the chair
But instead I keep mine
I let it flow
Down my face but far from yours
Never explaining to you
The damage you were doing

You filled a piece of me that was missing for far too long
A piece that was none of your business to touch
But I grazed your fingers over it
And pressed your lips into it
Momentary peace
I traded
For my self respect
For my freedom
For my everything

I sank deeper
It wasn't your fault
How could you have known
You truly wanted the best
I think
For us
But we both knew
It wasn't each other